Dealing with hateful emotions?

So there's a girl I've been into for about a year. She was a major part of why I went on nofap. I was a pmo addict and she came up to me and introduced herself to me and it blew me away that she took interest in me. Fast forward to a few months ago when she became single we started hanging out regularly. One night we went to a show with a few people and wound up back at my house and I was too drunk to drive home so they spent the night. A different girl followed me to bed and we didn't do anything but I believe out of spite she hooked up with my best friend that night. The next day she started texting me though. She didn't know that I knew what happened but I blew her off because I was upset about it. I wanted to distance myself from her because I had feelings for her and didn't want them to grow. Fast forward about a month and she invites me to a show and we hookup. Then she claimed not to remember it after she got the impression that I wasn't into her. We were texting for months and the whole time I was holding back out of fear of rejection or being hurt by her. After talking for about 4 months and knowing each other for 2 years I finally told her I loved her and kissed her and held her hand and she responded well. She texted me as soon as she got home and same thing the next day. Then we don't talk for a few days and I get a message about how my personal hygiene is horrible and her friends complained to her and that she was "trying to be a good friend". I did not take it well but to her I handled it well it turns out that the girl I grew up with said the same thing behind my back and never told me and a few other girls I talked to after that said the same thing. It led me to a major drug relapse and I wound up throwing up in my sleep and am still in a pretty deep depression. It really bothers me that I tried to keep my distance from her for so long over fears of being rejected and I finally did and this happened. I have a lot of anger towards her now because she continuously approached me and now I have strong feelings for her that I was trying not to develop. It led me to a drug relapse and a minor porn and MO relapse after 9 months free of it. How do I deal with these hateful and angry feelings towards her?

 

I'm not a Christian my friend but I appreciate the response nonetheless. The thing that makes it so hard is that everyone involved are my closest friends. They actually do have good intentions I just can't handle it well. They don't know how this has all affected me. This is something that has bothered me for weeks now and I can tell it will continue to bother me for a long time.

 

The reason I am so into her is because I play in a band and she also plays music. We are both multi instrumentalists and she is highly intelligent and funny. She's 5 years older than me and attractive and approached me, she has always encouraged me and admired my music more than anyone else. She is totally unique and I've never met anybody like her. It's a toxic mix, I've never met a woman so talented in the same craft as me. The fact that she approached me at my lowest point of pmo addiction and kinda inspired me to stop is another reason why I have feelings for her. I just wish that I didn't have feelings for her. Wish I could just turn them off. We now play music together and have shows coming up so I have to somehow get past this but the more time that goes on the worse I feel and the farther apart we get and the worse this new drug addiction gets. I don't see these hateful feelings going anywhere anytime soon and I also don't see my feelings for her going anywhere. I kinda wish she never approached me or that I was able to keep my distance when I felt like that was the best move before catching feelings.

 

Thanks, these kinda things stick with me for years. I never really get over them and that's why I'm feeling hateful, because one simple text someone sends me can stick with me forever and have a negative impact on me.

 

I'm stuck in this downward spiral now and don't even know if I want to forgive her. She doesn't even know I'm mad at her or how it affected me but it's really Fucking ruined my life and I know that's over dramatic but it's true. One text ruined my past month, I haven't been happy at all. I tried to keep my distance from her and she wouldn't let me. Now I regret everything I do, I can't fucking win. I try to stay away from catching feelings but she kept reeling me in until I finally showed interest and she winds up saying that she thought I smelled bad for like 6 months. I'm just thinking, then why the fuck have you been coming onto me for 4 months? Why! I didn't want it, I was doing so good on nofap and going to the gym. Now I have stronger feelings than I've ever had and yet again I'm afraid to open up to girls because it always goes terrible. I knew this shit would happen it's my fault really. Now because of that I relapsed on nofap after 9 months and have been on a month long drug binge that I thought I would never do again. Now I feel addicted angry and in love with someone I fucking hate now. I don't know what to do. I know this is dramatic but it's a month later and I'm only getting more upset as time goes on. I think about it and I just want to self destruct. I can't escape it.

 

Well we have gigs coming up in front of hundreds of people that I can't back out of. It wasn't about me blurting my feelings out. She started texting me more than ever after that. And even after her negative text she continued texting me. I've just been keeping my distance because I have these hateful emotions towards her now because it led to relapses that I thought would never happen, I don't know how to deal with the negative feelings. As I said before she was the one who was always approaching me so it definitely was time to do something about it.

 

Also the reason I've been taking so long to "get to the point" is because I'm recovering from pied.

 

Yeah we're also going to have to rehearse for them too. It's also being professionally recorded so there's no fucking around. I'm not convinced she was trying to friendzone me but I have been keeping my distance as I said before. Not sure what more to do. Still wondering how to change my perspective and the hateful feelings I have now.

 

So why exactly do you say avoid any unnecessary communication? Genuinely curious.. when we talked about the personal hygiene thing that she confronted me about she said she wanted to show me a way to fold and organize my clothes and sent me info on where to get a mattress and the best vacuum and that she would give me cleaning supplies. That's why I'm not convinced she was friendzoning me. I'm confused and think she may genuinely be into me and wants me to be more "presentable" idk

 

Also I didn't say "I love you" I said love ya as I was getting out of the car playfully. Me telling her how I feel was more the fact that this song I wrote that she said she loved the lyrics to a few months ago was about her. And she seemed excited about it idk

 

I'm going to watch that video and definitely appreciate what you are saying. I actually spent the night at another girls house the night before she sent the hygiene message. I met this random girl at a store by my work and she told me to wait til she got off work and then asked who's house we were going to. At the end of the night.. actually about 5 a.m before I walked home she asked me to be her boyfriend and I turned her down. All hope is not lost because after years of zero intimacy with women I've had 3 women grab my face and hook up with me since going on nofap. Every one of them was a friend for at least a year that never showed interest in me prior to nofap. I'm not into soccer players or actresses though. I play and write music and it's just what I do. I've been playing shows for years in different states, a lot of festivals. Met many talented women but none like her. I know it's rare and she just happens to live 10 minutes away from me.