Dealing with partners porn addiction

Right? I would not date anyone with an addiction or a history of addiction. ANY addiction! But an addiction where they're addicted to cheating on me? And I'm supposed to be grateful that they realize that cheating on me is a problem? I just don't get it.

 

Being an addict I’ve come to appreciate both sides of the argument. I get the need for full transparency to ensure fairness and trust. If you’re going to be making a lifetime commitment to someone then it’s important to know everything about them, past, present, and future. Time is the most important resource we have since we only have one life on this planet; It’s not mean or vindictive to set standards to better help mitigate the risks of you wasting it. Don’t rob someone of the ability to make a free and informed choice.

On the other hand I can’t help but understand the frustration of a porn/sex addict. Most of us from our youth have grown up in broken homes and have been groomed by a society and education system that promotes licentiousness as an enlightened way of life. A system which says our only responsibility is to practice “safe” sex and ensure we use birth control —which neither promotes birth or control. On top of that we’ve drank the sexual compatibility kool-aid and were only given porn as a resource material/guide to “help” us be better “lovers” so we don’t wind up alone —even though that’s exactly what that type of advice would ensure would happen to us.

Now, after experiencing the absolute soul crushing aftermath of such a life, and while still dealing with a society which promotes it —heck they’re even going further and introducing pornographic material into some schools libraries —it’s understandable for some men to be angry that some women will judge their suitability based on their current/past sex/porn addiction—especially while living in a society which to this day likes to deny it’s even a problem in the first place.

The issue is we now have two sets a victims here with one set saying “Can’t you understand our pain? We’ve had to overcome so much and against all odds!” and then there is the other side who’s saying “Can’t you understand our pain, we’ve endured so much and have persevered against all odds!”

At the end of the day we’ve all been given a shitty hand of cards and now we have to work to pickup the pieces of this mess so future generations don’t have to experience it and we do so against all odds.

 

...without context as i don't have the rest, i suppose someone was calling you names for where you stand on relationships with porn addicts right?

well as eye opening as it is to have people regularly state that in this forum, it might be offending... i am offended that i would be a bad partner for a girl... lust made me make bad decisions as far as friendships and and relationships are concerned.
that is offensive! doesn't mean it shouldn't be said, (a) how long am i suppose to be clean before (bad relapse this weekend by the way), before i can date someone... before i'm worthy/good/clean enough? (b) this is part of my life how can i not be honest about my porn addiction? of course i won't say that to my partner on a first date...
of course i want to be someone good for someone that i like. i want to be decent at least.

i feel like i'm blind regarding understanding someones need right now, so obviously i'm not there yet... but (c) how far... i just have to do the work.

so yes it can sound offensive if you say to porn addicts you don't want them... i am grateful that no one settled for the person i have been though.

 

There is no absolute goal line. You are already worthy. But different women will have different tolerances and also deserve to choose for themselves. The important thing is to be honest and open before major commitments. Before you meet your families, before you have sex, before you decide to be exclusive with each other, etc.
I emphasize how much I am not personally interested in addicts because it feels like there is a lack of understanding that radical honesty is needed because they might be trying to date a similar person. The one guy talked about not disclosing at all, which will absolutely rob some women of their entire lives and their chance to have a happy relationship.
Just radical honesty. That's it. The rest is negotiable depending on your partner.

 

Everyone has standards. I highly doubt very many men on here would take long enough to know one of my daughters. The She is absolutely beautiful. They would instantly be attracted. But the minute she told them that she had no interest in sex of any kind, that even the thought of it is like squishing a bug ( her words to me lol) they would be gone( or cheating). Now imagine dating her, she leads u to believe she’s just waiting/saving sex for marriage, then after you get married she is repulsed by sex with you. She wants nothing to do with it. Would that be fair? She likes men , but has no interest in sex. The men she dates have a right to know her feeling on sex. She is very high functioning autistic so I don’t think she will change her stance because it’s a sensory thing.

 

I totally get that and she, like us, would/should have to disclose this to her potential spouse. I don’t disagree at all with that requirement and I encourage it. Women who want to tell me exactly what they want and don’t want save me and themselves from wasting precious time. It makes no sense to hide this stuff, especially if I’m trying to find someone who will love me for me —talents and flaws and all.

I think a big problem, here in the west, is we live in a society that promotes the protection and expression of the ego. We’re told that to not care about the ego means we have an inferiority complex, which we’re also told is a form of social leprosy. In a way were taught skills on how to entrap each other into a relationship but not in how to sustain a loving relationship. Once we find out, the hard way, that a loving and lasting relationship cannot survive until there is a death/sacrifice of the ego, we feel pretty much hopeless and defeated. The task now of navigating the foreign territory of selfless love becomes even more daunting when you realize you still live within a society that’s hostile to it.

 

There is a spectrum of what women are ok with. Some find porn abhorrent from the beginning, some don't care, others care if it becomes a problem. A lot of us on here were not okay with it to begin with and then our husbands became addicted and hid it from us. We now have deep trauma so of course, for us, it is just simply a no now. We can't do that pain again. You can read the things that we share so you can understand how this damages relationships. You can have the benefit of hearing us talk about how our husbands treated us horribly. They thought they had their addictions in neat little boxes and that we were just crappy wives. The reality was that the addiction created so many personality changes and lies that it's not just about the betrayals but all the abuse that comes with it. My husband once left me 8 months pregnant plus other kids during a severe weather event because he had a wedding he had to go to. I had to tend outdoor animals or they would have died. It was horrible. He didn't care at all, even left earlier than planned so he would not be driving in the bad weather. All he did was make sure the generator had gas, never mind I was too pregnant to move it and would have had to call someone. He even brought back cake thinking it was so nice of him. That's the kind of mean things addicts do to their wives and have zero clue. So you can have the option now to set boundaries for yourself starting a relationship - e.g. I won't date until I'm 6 months clean, I won't be intimate until I'm one year clean, If I continue to relapse I will stop dating until I am sober again, etc. You now have the knowledge of what you don't want to do to someone. You don't want to be the person who creates betrayal trauma in someone else. You don't want the addiction you have. So now you fight like hell to stop it. You get into therapy with a csat and address all the crap that got you here. You learn about real intimacy in relationships and how connection helps protect you from relapsing. You take it all seriously and have plans in place to prevent more problems. You have boundaries in place tied to your recovery. And then one day, when you've found the right person, you'll be able to share your past and show that you are living in integrity moving forward.

 

What’s wild is that we’re trying to help you understand how unrealistic it is, and you can’t seem to comprehend it. Just say that you will never involve yourself with men again. That’s what you really mean. You’ve even gone as far as suggesting that you become a lesbian. You are severely damaged.

first of all this website is not only about porn. The very name “nofap” is about not masturbating. Do you masturbate without porn?

well according to the other chick, if every woman decided to not date or marry someone who looks or HAS LOOKED at porn, then the human population would cease to exist. For the record I agree that it would be a better world. But the fact is, everyone does it or has done it.

Yes most of you are sexually suppressed. Whether it’s a health condition or a response to the emotional pain of your husbands porn addiction, is up for debate. But it’s clear to me that most of you don’t have a healthy sex drive, or are simply hiding how you really behave or have behaved behind closed doors. I asked you to prove me wrong on that, but simply avoided the questions.

Won’t marry, yes.

 

The fact that you think you’ve never had any kind or addiction in your life is hilarious to me. Do you know how many things people can be addicted to without even knowing it? You must be a saint.
How many of you women drink coffee? This should be good..

 

I believe I already acknowledged the probability of that happening. Of course it was ignored by @SanctuaryWife . She seems to think there are no risks in life if you just try to account for every variable.

 

I was already bisexual, so my possibility of dating a woman is not me becoming a lesbian or being damaged. I'm fine with my expectations being hard to meet.
I have a very healthy sex drive. I am generally a once-a-day or 8-9.times/week person. I do not drink coffee. Closest thing I could be addicted to is the gym.

 

Yes, they won’t marry and they will be better off than if they married an addict. You know absolutely nothing about my sex drive. I would say I had a sex drive that was very high, and very healthy. It was my husband who had unhealthy sex beliefs. You can look back on some of my previous posts to fact check that I’m not just saying so now. I would have loved sex every day, but many porn addicts have depleted themselves to the point that they just can’t keep up with their wife’s libido. I didn’t believe in masturbating once I was married because to me that was taking away from my husband. I’m certainly not going to want sex nearly as much if I just masturbated 10 minutes before he got home. I can count on one hand the number of times I masturbated in 31 years of marriage. For some porn addicts their desire for pmo is much higher than sex with a person. Again, go to the married mens journals and see for yourself. You seem to ignore that their are married men who prefer pmo, married men who pmo right after sex, married men who’s wives initiate more than they do, married men who’s wives have completely shut them down for sex.

 

Me too! Love my gym

 

So your are a sex addict. Thanks for proving @JustinX right for calling you out.

Oh the irony...

 

Imagine saying you’re a once a day or 8-9 times a week person in terms of a sex, and then in the next sentence claiming that the closest thing you could be addicted to is the gym.
Comedy gold. The lack of self awareness between you ladies is incredible. You really think you have some moral high ground because you don’t use porn to satisfy your sex addiction. Hilarious. I think my work here is done.. you’ve exposed yourselves enough.

 

That’s great. But you also forget that many men on here are single and only trying to stop pmo. Yet you have the nerve to put them in the sameness group as your husband, and belittle their achievements, when you never accomplished anything close to what they have when you were single. I don’t care if you used porn or not. Masturbation is masturbation. Hopefully you’ve learned here how to behave more humbly when conversing with men on here.

 

Do you even understand addiction? Just because you like a beer every day doesn’t mean you’re an addict.just because you have a high sex drive doesn’t make you a sex addict. Hilarious that you don’t understand the difference between what an addiction is, what a drive is, what a dependency is. No, not everyone is an addict. There really is a vast difference in living with someone who’s an addict and someone who isn’t.

 

I did not belittle anyones achievements I pointed out he is not in long term recovery. Period. Learn the difference. You also have no idea what I have or have not accomplished in life.

 

Do you? Apparently not.

 

Yes, I do.