Dealing With Regret

Deleted Account · Jul 22, 2018

I have been PMO-free for almost two weeks now, which is heading in to uncharted territory for me. I am 35 years old, been engaging in PMO almost daily for the last 20 years or so. Also struggled with depression off and on during that time.

I really feel like this attempt at cutting out PMO is different than any other time I have tried to. I feel changed. I feel confident. I feel like I am in this for the long haul. All good things. It feels like I have "woken up", and now I am in the "real world". I used PMO as an escape from the real world. I used it to enter a fantasy world of sex, that was preferable to the real world. The fantasy world expanded over the years. However unbearable the real world was, it was OK because I could enter the fantasy world of sex. Not anymore. Now I have decided to live in the real world, without the possibility of escape. I have been working on finding ways to enjoy the real world, and have been doing positive thinking, and all of this has helped. However, I look back at the time that I neglected the real world. All of that time, those 20 years or so, I could have attended to the real world, working on things like social life, dating, career, etc. I preferred the fantasy world of sex to those things. I put more time in to that fantasy world than I put in to those other things. All that time is gone forever. Now I am behind on those other things. Now I am starting from scratch. And don't get me wrong, I am ready to start from scratch, because that's what I have to do.

How do other people deal with regret and lost time? I'm interested in trying to reframe past experiences as having some kind of positive benefit or value

Thanks.

derivative · Jul 22, 2018

When you talk about lost time, I get what you mean. Because of frequent PMO, I literally never hung out with any friends outside of school until my senior year of high school (after getting into a pretty long NoFap streak).

Just like how it is important to study the devastating effects of World War II, it is important to remeber your shortcomings with PMO and what it did to you. In other words, you need to know your history to know how to not screw up in the future.

Take your guilt, chew on it, but then use it as a motivation to continue your streak. 2 weeks is awesome, by the way .

.

Ender Atreides · Jul 22, 2018

Excuse the brevity, no time today

-focus on the solution, not the problem ("Switch" Dan Heath, Chip Heath)
- in accordance with the above, the past has already happened - the longer you dwell on it, the more it controls you. ACT therapy or other behavioral therapy, even self instituted, may be helpful
- what you focus on determines what you see (Jordan Peterson)
-turning everything into an opportunity (like what you said in your own post)
-using my existing triggers to train new habits i.e. when I get an urge immediately studying, training, etc. ("The Power of Habit" Charles Duhigg)
-providing myself with ample things to excel in and spend time at instead to build my confidence (if you haven't tried Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, maybe consider giving it a go)
-I'm also partial to lists. It's helpful for me every once in a while to deconstruct all my negative behaviors and thought patterns, try to determine why I have them (check out Early Maladaptive Schemas) and how they affect my life and then "script" (thanks again to "Switch") out new, positive behaviors, usually things that I've always known deep down I should be doing if I'd just listen to myself
-Don't knock the conscience. Socrates said right before he died that he owed almost all of his positive decision making to listening to his gut instinct. I usually find all too often that I know that what I'm doing is wrong, my head just makes up stories to tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. That has to be noticed

Best of luck and thanks for the thread, it's useful for me to outline something like this for myself as well

Deleted Account · Jul 22, 2018

derivative said: ↑

When you talk about lost time, I get what you mean. Because of frequent PMO, I literally never hung out with any friends outside of school until my senior year of high school (after getting into a pretty long NoFap streak).

Just like how it is important to study the devastating effects of World War II, it is important to remeber your shortcomings with PMO and what it did to you. In other words, you need to know your history to know how to not screw up in the future.

Take your guilt, chew on it, but then use it as a motivation to continue your streak. 2 weeks is awesome, by the way .

.
Click to expand...

Well, I don't want to make it sound like what I've done in my life is as bad as World War II! But yeah I get your point, thanks for the reply and support!

Health is key · Jul 22, 2018

SuperFurryThing said: ↑

I have been PMO-free for almost two weeks now, which is heading in to uncharted territory for me. I am 35 years old, been engaging in PMO almost daily for the last 20 years or so. Also struggled with depression off and on during that time.

I really feel like this attempt at cutting out PMO is different than any other time I have tried to. I feel changed. I feel confident. I feel like I am in this for the long haul. All good things. It feels like I have "woken up", and now I am in the "real world". I used PMO as an escape from the real world. I used it to enter a fantasy world of sex, that was preferable to the real world. The fantasy world expanded over the years. However unbearable the real world was, it was OK because I could enter the fantasy world of sex. Not anymore. Now I have decided to live in the real world, without the possibility of escape. I have been working on finding ways to enjoy the real world, and have been doing positive thinking, and all of this has helped. However, I look back at the time that I neglected the real world. All of that time, those 20 years or so, I could have attended to the real world, working on things like social life, dating, career, etc. I preferred the fantasy world of sex to those things. I put more time in to that fantasy world than I put in to those other things. All that time is gone forever. Now I am behind on those other things. Now I am starting from scratch. And don't get me wrong, I am ready to start from scratch, because that's what I have to do.

How do other people deal with regret and lost time? I'm interested in trying to reframe past experiences as having some kind of positive benefit or value

Thanks.
Click to expand...

Such a great post because I am also struggling with a lot of resent and regret in my life. More resent than regret though as I've had a lot of things happen to me that were out of my control. I think a place to start is acknowledging that we have been thrust into this great porn experiment where we have been provided endless access to our strongest and most rewarding desire. Porn is such a strong reward which is why so many people are struggling with it. We did not know better/it was just too enticing. For many of us we were raised with such easy access to all our wildest fantasies that escaping the worlds problems was just too easy and rewarding. Additionally, the world has normalised the behaviours involved so what were we supposed to think. Tough pill to swallow when you realise it has done so much damage to us but you got to bear the burden and keep trooping forward. People get all sorts of challenges thrown their way in life.

Deleted Account · Jul 22, 2018

Ender Atreides said: ↑

Excuse the brevity, no time today

-focus on the solution, not the problem ("Switch" Dan Heath, Chip Heath)
- in accordance with the above, the past has already happened - the longer you dwell on it, the more it controls you. ACT therapy or other behavioral therapy, even self instituted, may be helpful
- what you focus on determines what you see (Jordan Peterson)
-turning everything into an opportunity (like what you said in your own post)
-using my existing triggers to train new habits i.e. when I get an urge immediately studying, training, etc. ("The Power of Habit" Charles Duhigg)
-providing myself with ample things to excel in and spend time at instead to build my confidence (if you haven't tried Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, maybe consider giving it a go)
-I'm also partial to lists. It's helpful for me every once in a while to deconstruct all my negative behaviors and thought patterns, try to determine why I have them (check out Early Maladaptive Schemas) and how they affect my life and then "script" (thanks again to "Switch") out new, positive behaviors, usually things that I've always known deep down I should be doing if I'd just listen to myself
-Don't knock the conscience. Socrates said right before he died that he owed almost all of his positive decision making to listening to his gut instinct. I usually find all too often that I know that what I'm doing is wrong, my head just makes up stories to tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. That has to be noticed

Best of luck and thanks for the thread, it's useful for me to outline something like this for myself as well
Click to expand...

Thanks Ender, this is an interesting list, thanks for the references, I should check them out! Great food for thought! Jiu Jitsu, eh?

Ender Atreides · Jul 24, 2018

SuperFurryThing said: ↑

Thanks Ender, this is an interesting list, thanks for the references, I should check them out! Great food for thought! Jiu Jitsu, eh?
Click to expand...

Hope it helps. Yes, a good place to start is checking out the Gracie brothers' vids on youtube.

Deleted Account · Jul 24, 2018

Health is key said: ↑

Such a great post because I am also struggling with a lot of resent and regret in my life. More resent than regret though as I've had a lot of things happen to me that were out of my control. I think a place to start is acknowledging that we have been thrust into this great porn experiment where we have been provided endless access to our strongest and most rewarding desire. Porn is such a strong reward which is why so many people are struggling with it. We did not know better/it was just too enticing. For many of us we were raised with such easy access to all our wildest fantasies that escaping the worlds problems was just too easy and rewarding. Additionally, the world has normalised the behaviours involved so what were we supposed to think. Tough pill to swallow when you realise it has done so much damage to us but you got to bear the burden and keep trooping forward. People get all sorts of challenges thrown their way in life.
Click to expand...

You've said it very well. It does feel like a "great porn experiment" doesn't it? Internet porn was a relatively new thing in the world when I started getting in to it, just a teenager who had no idea how to deal with it. The world didn't know how to deal with it then, and still doesn't.

Deleted Account · Nov 12, 2018

I may be coming to terms with just how detrimental porn has been to my life. I've previously had thoughts of deep regret, feeling like I've wasted so much time, wasted my potential. I've cried about it. Thinking about what could have been. That's the biggest consequence I see. I accept that yes this all is really true, it is bad, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change the past, I have to live with that. It is what it is, I guess. Might as well admit it. Been difficult to accept

Deleted Account · Nov 13, 2018

SuperFurryThing said: ↑

I may be coming to terms with just how detrimental porn has been to my life. I've previously had thoughts of deep regret, feeling like I've wasted so much time, wasted my potential. I've cried about it. Thinking about what could have been. That's the biggest consequence I see. I accept that yes this all is really true, it is bad, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change the past, I have to live with that. It is what it is, I guess. Might as well admit it. Been difficult to accept
Click to expand...

I've read a few of your posts from other threads and it sounds like you're putting quite a bit of effort into self improvement. Now you're acknowledging the past and accepting that it happened, which is another step in the right direction. Never too late. Well done and good luck!

Deleted Account · Nov 13, 2018

Righthandman76 said: ↑

I've read a few of your posts from other threads and it sounds like you're putting quite a bit of effort into self improvement. Now you're acknowledging the past and accepting that it happened, which is another step in the right direction. Never too late. Well done and good luck!
Click to expand...

Thanks, yeah I think there's been a tendency in me to just want to wish all that bad stuff away, to have it all "be over", be cured, have a different life. But the reality is that the past happened, and like it or not, my brain is changed and it is going to take time to heal and for my behavior to change. So recovery is going to be a long process, that's just the way it is, no sense in feeling bad about it anymore

Deleted Account · Nov 13, 2018

I know what you mean and I have to admit that I'm still stuck in this "should've-would've-could've" state of mind. Unfortunately there's no shortcut to being the person you "should've-would've-could've" been...so we start from scratch, and I know at least at my age that it's frustrating when you see how far behind you are compared to everyone else and that you won't catch up overnight. But like you said, it's just the way it is. I guess you have to start somewhere.

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