Dealing with someone’s history

Hey, I am in a relationship with someone who came into the relationship a lot more experienced than me. At first this really made me insecure. I didn't deal with it well, I worried that because of this discrepancy, there will be problems, plus she'd get bored of vanilla sex, will seek adventure, etc. None of this happened. I quickly realised she's super serious about this relationship, as I am, and we're both happy with a classical one-to-one relationship. Still together. It's beautiful. So, try not to let this affect you too much in the beginning (though it will to some extent bother you anyway, no matter what you do). Hopefully you'll focus on the relationship and then just forget about the sexual history.

“Where the devil cannot go He will send a women”: This is a pseudo-religious deeply sexist statement. It's bullshit. Please delete this. Put any religious quote you like - just not a deeply misogynist one, please.

 

She was in your shoes years ago. Every person started been virgin and had sex with more experienced people than them.
Enjoy her, let her "teach" you and have fun with the experience.

 

Would you be comfortable putting a racist statement in your signature, like "Where the devil cannot go He will send a black man" ?

If you would not be comfortable with that racist quote, you shouldn't be comfortable with your current signature "Where the devil cannot go He will send a women" either.

Because even if you had an anecdotal negative experience with someone belonging to a racial group, you understand not to generalise, you understand there are systemic issues, centuries of repression and domination, a certain power play that benefits one group and suppresses the other. And this is bad and should not be supported.

The exact same thing is true for misogy.

I am not here to pick a fight and won't push this any further. I just wanted to say it's not cool and makes me uncomfortable.

 

Deal with it by not dealing with it. Be there for the relationship as it is. A relationship is a dynamic thing, every day it changes. Humans are a dynamic entity. Just focus on her as she is now. Is she subject to her past tendencies? Yes, of course. Are you? Yes, of course. But, if you focus on her history you are going to miss the present opportunity. Similarly, if you are focused on some hypothetical future you are going to miss the vibrancy of what is happening between you and her now. So, just breathe and be completely with the life that she is.

 

It depends on you really, if you tolerate her past and you are ok with it, continue with this relationship.
But past is very important - some people like to say past is past it is only present which is important, if smb considers his own life yes it is, but considering a partner (or even a friend/business partner) it is very important, by this you can predict what will happen during your relationship with this girl.

 

Ofc it is not necessarily will be the same, but the thing is (especially for men) we tend to think that for me she will change and it will be different (exagerated analogy - you start a relationship with a prostitute thinking that she will leave her job and change because now she is with you, super-savior), no, it won't, most probably she will repeat the same pattern.
That's why it is very important.

 

You can either take it as an insecurity that brings out fear - or an opportunity.

I'm sure she knows your history and she's fine with it. Otherwise she wouldn't be with you.

 

I am well aware.
My point of view is - don't ignore smb's past (especially if you a considering serious relationship), 99% she/he will repeat the same pattern (plus her/his parents relationship can be a strong indicator also).

Neither insecurity (no need for fear), nor opportunity - just a valuable info based on which you can predict what will happen during your relationship (ofc with all other info and her actions etc.) and choose what to do with her.

That's another question and he wasn't asking it, if you want a woman with no previous "relationship" for example, you need to correspond to what you want.

 

That's crazy that nowadays 'being experienced' in sleeping around considered as an advantage

 

Either you are going to learn the easy way (breaking up with her, based on your/others experience/red flags etc. if all that is below your standards, and find another one) or the hard way (pursue the relationship and see for yourself) (ofc I only made this conclusion based on what you told us about her, like 'sleeping around, cheating and be ok with it').
Ofc it is not easy if she looks nice and you just want some 'dopamine' ha-ha, so our brain will find a lot of excuses for her behavior.

And as I said it is up to you and your standards really. Someone would 'run' from her, someone would date her, someone would beg her to marry him.
Good luck anyway