Dealing with the shame.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Deleted Account, Dec 1, 2022.

  1. Hi everyone nice to meet you guys this is my first post here. I've recognized I've had a problem for some time now, and I have had my ups and downs, and for the first time I wanted speak out and get advice on something.

    I feel one of the hardest parts at least for my journey is the guilt and shame I carry. I can't explain it to friends or family because the embarrassment and shame would be too much for me. I feel I have no choice but to shove it down, and beat this solo. This is my secret, the one I will take to the grave.

    I feel I couldn't even tell my shrink, we've built a long relationship for years now, and I know she would help me and not judge me, but I still feel it's such a sin this problem is, and I'm not religious. It feels so gross.

    The shame, of all problems a man can have, cocaine, alcohol, whatever,

    my vice, my crutch
    is porn and masturbation.

    I've had thoughts of if people really knew the shit I was up to, I would contemplate suicide because of the shame I felt. Of course, no I wouldn't, but you feel as if you don't deserve anything. That your moral integrity is forever gone, you are a sick filthy human being who cant beat his lust.

    I beat myself up to the point of where I feel nothing but that I'm a weirdo lonely masturabator loser.

    and I know I'm not, I'm a young man in his prime, I work hard, I'm pursuing my education, but again if I think about what I have done,

    I feel as if I don't deserve anything and that whatever happens to me I deserve.

    This might be a lot, but I just want advice and how people, deal with these thoughts and how to love yourself again. How do you accept yourself, with this strange, strange vice that you had but you're not that same person anymore.
     
  2. OLLIE_100

    OLLIE_100 Fapstronaut

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    The shame what you are feeling is making you feel worse which ends up in a downwards spiral as when you are depressed and feel shame you conpensate and deal with it by watching porn. Instead of this try mediation and mindfulness in order to embrace what you are feeling. Then start to take action and start to treat yourself better in life workout, look after your health, get out in nature, spend time
    with friends and loved ones, eventually over time these negatives thoughts and emotions will disappear and you will feel happier than you ever have resulting in a peace of mind and less porn use. Wish you well man.
     
    Andrew-B and humility123 like this.
  3. Robindale

    Robindale Fapstronaut

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    Shame just keeps you bogged down in your sexual compulsion/addiction and keeps those negative thoughts and self-talk swirling in your brain. It is not your friend. Guilt, on the other hand, can be a motivating feeling and factor if it makes you work on making changes to be the person you want to be. My own personal experience and opinion, is that you cannot overcome this and do this alone. PMO was born in secrecy, isolation and dishonesty, and needs honesty and connection to be able to overcome it. We are wired for connection and you need others to help you. Shoving this down and keeping it to yourself just makes it manifest in some other way - it will get out and continue to hurt you and cause pain. You mentioned you see a therapist. Any therapist worth their salt will be able to help you and not judge you. You just need to take the first courageous step and be vulnerable and let them in. If this therapist doesn't have a lot of experience with sex addiction/compulsion, find one that does. I can't tell you just how powerful it is to voice this issue out loud to another human being. It helps it lose its hold on you. For me, working with a therapist has been extremely helpful, as well as a couple of support groups; one a weekly NoFap group, and the other an SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) group. There you can hear others who have been on the same journey you are, which makes you feel not so alone in this, but also learn from their journey in a supportive, non-judgmental environment. Working with an accountability partner(s) can also be helpful if it is a supportive, consistent partner(s).

    You are a good person, one who is loved and worthy of love. You are not some freak or weirdo - you are like so many of us who for a myriad of reasons, has turned to porn and masturbation as their solution. Digging deeper with some help, will help you understand what you were trying to assuage by going to porn; e.g. feeling inadequate, feeling lonely, not feeling affirmed, not fitting in, dealing with some childhood trauma, whatever your personal reason and story is, and then work to heal from it. You can do this, and most everyone in here wants to be supportive and help each other out. Best wishes.
     
    Hexagram20, Andrew-B and humility123 like this.
  4. Thank you both for these words, it really means a lot. I've been feeling a lot better since when I posted this. The negative talk is infectious and spreads until you beat yourself into dust, but I also have learned the beauty of life is the ability to change.

    What you people do on here is incredible and gives people a safe space. On a long road to being happy and "normal" again, and every time a relapse or I back pedal I just think what if I kept going and how many days would it be already if I had stayed disciplined. I want to be a winner.

    Thank you both again, safe journeys, and happy holidays.
     
  5. DarkPassenger17

    DarkPassenger17 Fapstronaut

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    The mind is our most powerful tool. If you believe you are a piece of shit and don't deserve anything good then you will act accordingly. What you put into or allow to consume your mind is what your actions will reflect.
    My avatar says "your mind is a battlefield, be it's commander, not it's Soldier." It's easier said then done, but you have to fight and not let self depreciating thoughts take over. Focus on what's good about yourself.
    I have gone the last 16 years plus feeling the same about myself and you know what I got out of it? Still addicted to porn. They say this addiction is caused by so.ething we are trying to escape. I thought that was stupid for a while after hearing that because I couldn't pin point anything. I realize, my self hatred, guilt and shame were that thing. While I partake in PMO, I don't feel any of that. It's not till that post nut clarity that it settles in again. So, try to find a way past all of that and believe that you deserve better because you do.
     
  6. Fullyawake

    Fullyawake Fapstronaut

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    The way to deal with the shame is to put distance from it. Accumulate days one after another with your new habits and you will 100% start to feel better about yourself.
     

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