Decided to change my life

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Nwmat1138, Oct 22, 2018.

  1. Nwmat1138

    Nwmat1138 Fapstronaut

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    Hi everyone! I've found this place after accepting I have a problem and really would like to change it. I'm 37 and have been using porn since a teenager and probably like many my viewing habits have escalated beyond belief tbh. Starting with straight porn led to lesbian to trans to gay then to sissy and hypno videos which have quite literally changed my life! Cross dressing and other activities came next. It's like I have no control over even choosing to watch it anymore and the hypno stuff is just ridiculously suggestive and powerful I really think i've done some serious damage. I've been a relationship for 18 years and it has pretty much ended today on her birthday of all days due to so many reasons...many of which I can attribute to my addiction. I just hope it's not too late to get a normal life back...so this is me on day 0 trying to quit. Thanks for listening
     
  2. Hello and welcome! That stuff is pure poison and will destroy your mental well being. You’ve made a excellent decision to come here. The good news is that it is NEVER too late to turn this around! Stop now.

    May I suggest giving @Roady s journal a read. He has gone through the dark side and has come back to tell about it. It’s a very encouraging read. Also @Foxhole has started a group specifically for this category of porn. I would also suggest maybe contacting him and others in the group for further support.

    I wish you the best of luck on your journey, my friend. It’s a bumpy road but never give in! Claim your life back today! Stay strong.
     
  3. Nwmat1138

    Nwmat1138 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for such a reply it really is pure evil and I just hope I can come back from it! I'll check out those links also...thanks again
     
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  4. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    Hi welcome here!
    I was pulled to this thread by Tiger Uppercut calling my name :)
    I really hope my story will encourage you to break free from your addiction.
    I know it's possible. No it ain't easy, but you will get there if you are determined.
    Have a good day, and I wish you lots of wisdom and insights in all the stuff that seduced you to give in.
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2018
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  5. Nwmat1138

    Nwmat1138 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you @Roady i've already been reading a lot in your journal and just firstly acknowledging I have a problem then finding out others have too has been a big help. Right now I'm not sure what my triggers are or circumstances that lead to the event but I'm trying to stay strong and motivated...I guess time will tell. Thanks for your support guys I appreciate it
     
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  6. Foxhole

    Foxhole Fapstronaut

    Hi, welcome here. Im really glad you decided to quit this vicious addiction. I know its really the hardest part to admit it is a problem. I used to convince myself that its just an innocent kink. Later when i realised its not innocent at all i convinced myself its part of me and i cant change it. Etc, etc. The point is that when you realised you have a problem and want to deal with it you already made a biggest step towards your recovery.
    Next important thing i want to say is that even if you might cause some serious damages it is reversible. I am sure everyone can recover and go back to normal life (and when you leave prison of this addiction after so many years, "normal" life is really beatiful place to be). It may take some time, but you can surely get rid off it if you really want.
    Im really sorry to hear about your break up. It happened to me several times. I really thought its her fault, or that we just are not meant to each other. Now i realised that was all caused by my addiction. Im so lucky we always came back together. So as im not going to give you some relationship advices, maybe there is a way to fix it...
    The group @Tiger uppercut! mentioned is https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?groups/recovering-from-sissy-porn.47/
    And to be honest i didn't start it - @Maninsearchofasoul did, but recently he has less time to contribute to it. But thanks for a credit Tiger ;) Anyway feel free to join it, everybody there will be happy to help.
    So, i wish you all the best at your journey and feel free to contact me anytime. I'll be happy to help.
     
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  7. Nwmat1138

    Nwmat1138 Fapstronaut

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    Wow thank you @Foxhole that really resonates with me. You're right in that acceptance of the problem was the biggest. I've battle drugs and drink before and tbh this has been worse! I've just done day 2 and i've started to recognise the habitual triggers and circumstances which have always led to the inevitable and so far with the help of the panic button mostly i've resisted. I've also moved out of my home with my gf of 22 years and am on my own for the first time in my life. This choice has been mine with a view to try and battle my demons and get back to who I was many moons ago. I figure I can't even begin to attempt to rebuild my relationship with her until i've dealt with myself...time as they say will tell
     
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  8. Nwmat1138

    Nwmat1138 Fapstronaut

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    Well i've made it to day 5 without pmo and i've recognised where and why I use porn. I'm so low right now tho with my situation that I also have no sex drive whatsoever and i'm worried that nothing is working at all down there...and I really don't want to check that it does with porn! Any advice?
     
  9. It’s normal. You just have to ride it out, man. I know it’s tough but the reward is worth it. Read up on flatline. It will probably mention everything you’re going through.
     
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  10. Nwmat1138

    Nwmat1138 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you mate I shall
     
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  11. Foxhole

    Foxhole Fapstronaut

    Hi. Im glad you made such a great, healthy and mature decision - as to deal with your addiction or move vith your gf. It may be hard, but try to have the situation under control. Im sure you'll do great. Wish you best luck.
     
  12. Nwmat1138

    Nwmat1138 Fapstronaut

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    I just want to say that it was my birthday today and it was the first I have spent alone since splitting with my gf...and like a total fucking loser I relapsed. I knew the depression of the day would eventually win and i've never hated myself more than I do now. I feel so far from what I want to be...what I used to be it's heartbreaking. I wish I could turn the clock back so bad
     
  13. Relapses happen. You were not going to be the only recorded person in the world to drop this addiction on the first try. You are still making progress. It’s a slow process, my man. Don’t even dwell on it. Enjoy your birthday. Things will turn around :) Happy birthday, brother.

    “Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.” -Babe Ruth
     
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  14. Nwmat1138

    Nwmat1138 Fapstronaut

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    I can't begin to tell you how much that means right now. Thank you for your kind and reassuring words i'll make sure this makes me stronger going forward. I'm so glad I found this community :)
     
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  15. Foxhole

    Foxhole Fapstronaut

    Hi. It's okay dude. It's never too late to start again. It can be so fucking hard to be alone and the addiction is still around the corner waiting for our weak moments. Don't blame yourself for it. It was your b-day and you was in a terrible situation.
    Just learn from it and be better next time.
    You failed, right. All you have to do now is to stand up again and be the person you want to be. You can do it, dude.
     
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  16. Nwmat1138

    Nwmat1138 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @Foxhole you're right. I already feel different today...almost as if I needed that to happen to reinforce how I feel about it. It disgusts me and for the first time in my life I can see how much of my life i've wasted thru porn and I truly regret it. After the relapse I felt something i've never felt and it hit me so hard so in a way I'm ok with it now. Rome wasn't built in a day and so i'll keep fighting
     
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  17. Nwmat1138

    Nwmat1138 Fapstronaut

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    Well I managed a week and things were going well. The mornings were beginning to feel healthier with some movement down there but then I can't even explain what happened. I've recognised that I can't wake up and look at my phone and yet I did today. Last night I spent 3 hours talking to my gf about where we've gone wrong and I woke up thoroughly depressed and I think that is when I can control the urge the least. Somehow I saw something on instagram and then the next thing I know I was talking to guys on an app I downloaded! It's like I was on auto pilot and I couldn't even begin to break away it's so weird. I spent the whole day edging to what at first was the biggest erection i've seen for years and then it was back to a useless tool that has no purpose and yet still I fapped uncontrollably. The culmination of which was cumming thru the use of a toy anally which i've had little to no urge to do since accepting this problem. The orgasm was like nothing i've seen amount wise and then it hit me....back to fucking square one again! The shame washed over me and I instantly regretted my actions. It truly scares me how I have no control over these actions and how it literally feels like I'm possessed in a way. It also makes me question my sexuality as i've been struggling to get an erection over girls but this morning as soon as I chatted to a guy I was hard. I'm not sure if that is due to the sexual nature of the conversation or a preference...
     
  18. It’s because of porn escalation. Other guys are taboo to you...it doesn’t identify with you, so it produces anxiety along with turning you on. Don’t beat yourself up. We all stumble. Don’t binge. Get right back up and punch this thing right in the mouth. Onwards!!!
     
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  19. Nwmat1138

    Nwmat1138 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you @Tiger uppercut! I'm just so worried that the years of hypno and training to be attracted to guys is so deeply rooted in my subconscious I can't get rid of it.
     
  20. It’s our nature to be attracted to women. Nobody can brainwash us to like the other sex. Unfortunately we wanted to believe we were being brainwashed...ya see, that’s all part of the fetish. At this point it’s all just intrusive thinking. We have to think nothing of the thoughts we get until they fade. ;)
     
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