Decided to masterbate without fantasy after 24 days PMO

Hey guys,

Just thought I'd share my latest experiment which is to masterbate once every 2 weeks (after just having done 24 days PMO), but this time without fantasy or porn. So today was the first time I masterbated without fantasy, and even though the release was obviously satisfying, I feel kinda nauseous and ashamed at the moment, but I do believe that this is to do with guilt and the depiction of masterbation as bad on this forum.

Personal context

Ever since I was a young teen I have chronically masterbated to porn, and as is very common, my porn tastes escalated dramatically into rather extreme genres. When it comes to my sexuality, I have always believed I was straight. I never found anything other than girls to be attractive apart from this one time when I had a very short term attraction (not romantically, just found him to be very handsome) to a boy in my class. I brushed that aside as just a phase which most men will prob go through early on. Apart from that, never have found a man to be attractive physically. It is important to note that I grew up in a very social-conservative household (my mums doing, not my Dad as he is very laid back) which viewed homosexuality as wrong and not natural. Suffice to say, this has become a taboo theme for me since an early age.

Anyhow, given how I was attracted to girls, I had a few girlfriends, and the sex with my first ever proper girlfriend (when I was 18) was absolutely amazing for the most part. I did have performance anxiety with her every now and then, but only occasionally, but to this day I still remember the sex with her being amazing. I really really miss it. But what did start with her, and carried on with other girls, was my urger to have kinky sex. The more I had sex with women, the more I wanted to try my kinky stuff, and one thing which has never changed was my obsessive lust for blowjobs. As far as I can remember, blowjobs (primarily deepthroat) were by far my fav sexual act to partake in (receiving), and it would come to dominate my sex like (even up until now). So whilst this didn't cause me any issues to begin with (or so I thought at the time), I started to prioritise this over vaginal sex, and would later become very into anal sex (giving) as it was another genre I loved. Something about a girl being submissive by offering her anus to me was a real turn on, and I absolutely love the look of a female ass. The problem was when I started to find vaginal sex not only boring, but not that arousing compared to the aformentioned sex acts. Ever since then, I have experienced multiple instances where I either couldn't get hard, or my erection would go limp shorty after entering a vagina. This has naturally caused me a lot of frustration, anxiety and also guilt given how the girls who I tried to have sex with would also feel bad, or be quite horrible with me.

It's also important to note that alongside my escalation into kinkier sex, I also started to become very curious into gay sex. I can't exactly pinpoint how old I was when these thoughts started to emerge, but I still remember they started off as arousing due the the 'taboo' element, and difference. This would go on and off for a few years, but even when it did, I never found men attractive in real life. This did however escalate to me going on gay chatrooms, and partaking in online role play and fantasies, which did give me a lot of arousal, but its interestng to note that I have very rarely (if ever) gotten a hard natural erection to the thought of a man/gay sex. What I instead get is this strange yet arousing/naughty tingling sensation which can be felt in my testes and stomach, and my mouth salivates a lot, especially at the thought of giving a much older stocky man a blowjob (the only type of man I can get off to). It's hard to describe, but it's exhilarating. In terms of real world gay experiences, I experimented with a much older stocky man last year (I gave him a blowjob in a submissive manner), and the experience didn't match the anticipation, however I did find it somewhat pleasurable, but only if I played a submissive role. Thinking about it is still very arousing to this day.

Back to the present.

I have been strongly in love with two girls throughout my life, and the the most recent (2016) was basically a girl I still obsessively think about to this day, even though she was totally wrong for me and didn't treat me great. But she was honestly the most beautiful thing in the whole wide world for me. It's interesting to note that we had very kinky sex together, and I also couldn't have vaginal sex with her at times. But one thing I do know - I could look at her all day. She was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, and she was so so sexy to me.

Since then, I have had a few casual hookups, and sex with a few escorts. In terms of the casual hookups, I have been impotent when it came to vaginal sex with every single one I think, and also with some hookers too, although last year I slept with a mixed race hooker who got me hard easily, and I managed to have great vaginal sex with her (even with a condom on). But very recently (before my 24 days PMO), I met up with a woman who was quite curvaceous (not normally my type, but I found her attractive), and I was aroused with her for pretty much most of the meet (at hers), and was semi hard just by being naked with her. Kissing her was amazing, her blowjob was outstanding (facefucking too), and I managed to successfully ejaculate in her after a couple of mins of vaginal sex from doggy. But after that, it's almost like my urge to have vaginal sex just died, and I couldn't get aroused by vaginal sex after. I did easily manage to facefuck her again, and cum from her blowjob, so this confused me.

Another recent thing was that I also started to have the urge to kiss some guys I know, and this has really freaked me out as it feels so weird to me, it's really not what I want, and I never really had these urges before either. An interesting point to make is that I have been obsessing over my sexuality for a long time now, and if any guy is kind, nice and fun to be around, anytime they look at me, I sometimes weirdly feel that they might be into me. This then triggers a weird urge to kiss them. I couldn't imagine sex with them though, or a romantic relationship, and they really aren't that attractive to me if at all.

Takeaway thoughts

I've recently come to the conclusion that I'm probably bisexual, and maybe even gay, but the hard thing about this is I really don't think I was like this at all throughout most of my life. If I knew I was gay early on in my life, then it wouldn't be so bad as that is what I would have grown up with, but right now, given how I have found women (and still very much do) attractive and want to be with them, the thought that I am maybe gay is so so so heartbreaking to me, and really makes me want to give up on everything.

But one thing I have decided is to start masterbating without fantasy and porn, and only sporadically. The reason I'm doing this is because I have heard that some men have gotten back their erection and libido doing this after a short break from PMO, and rather than seeing masterbation and sex as a bad thing, I see it as a good thing which is really important to me. I just want to have normal sex again.

So I guess I have a few questions for the more experienced and wise (and please, no religiously motivated inputs please) men on this forum:

1) Am I gay or bisexual? Bear in mind I struggle with vaginal sex, and do find the thought of gay sex arousing, but also want to be with women and find them really attractive (much more than men).

2) Why do I get aroused by gay sex and my fantasies, but don't get the same hard erections that I used to get thinking of women or partaking in foreplay with them (I only get this tingling sensation in my testes and stomach).

3) Will I ever be able to perform normally again, and get my arousal back for vaginal sex? I really fear that it's gone for good, and that it is my body telling me I need to have sex with men instead.

4) If there is indeed hope to regain functionality again with a woman, will my bisexuality interfere with that at all?

5) Last but not least, will performance enhancing drugs be able to help get me back my confidence? There is a possibility that my ED can be totally psychological, and that I have lost my confidence (although I doubt it, especially since I can get rock hard facefucking a girl), and some added help will bring it back to me?

My desires

1) To be able to perform normally again with a woman who I find attractive and who I like, and a woman who likes me too

2) To be ok with the fact that I'm most likely bisexual, and not let this impinge upon the rest of my life

3) To stop obsessing about this once and for all.

4) To not be gay, although I know there isn't anything I can do about this if I was. Just really want to be with a woman instead, and not even out of societal expectations.