Declarations of a man Saved by Grace!

***NOTE: Extensive read, but worth, please commit to read the whole thing.***

If everyone else is sane, then I must have lost my mind. Because I survived 365 days of being P free! (to be specific, MO'ing while watching P). When I started watching P I was a single, overweight and video game addicted 12 year old adolescent. Daily I would spend time in front of a screen yelling at myself whilst doing what I told myself I shouldn't be. Eventually I sold myself that this is natural, normal and everyone else was doing it, which allowed me to stop demeaning myself. I was lonely, a virgin and I didn't have the best people skills in the world. I'm also pretty sure all the girls in high school were pinning me as a pervert. I reiterate, a virgin. Despite my addiction, I was still a morally good person (at least I like to think so). I had 1 major goal in my life, don't sleep with a woman until she is my wife. My best efforts succeeded.

But the addiction also persisted, even after getting married and having a sex life with my wife, I still found myself craving and returning to it. The self-hatred returned. Every time I got pulled into temptation, I failed...multiple times a day, every day, for years. I felt like a cesspit, yet somehow I kept the stench from wafting out, kept those important to me from finding out. This made the situation even worse. Deep down, I feel like part of me wanted to be found out. So, she would finally know what kind of sick, disgusting, decrepit man she married.

*POSSIBLE TRIGGERS*
My daughter (#1) was born. I was a changed man. I would do everything to protect her...from men like me. While watching P, I would now tell myself that it was men like me that my daughter would NEVER be with. I didn't realize then that it was men "...like me" till much later. My wife was noticing a change in me too. I was angry a lot...and seemingly to her, I wanted nothing to do with my family. I was alone a lot, and I started getting mad at her, because at that point, she wanted nothing to do with me either. It was around this time that she "caught" me. I had P open on my laptop in the living room AND I was watching a sexually appealing anime on the TV. I was covered with a blanket, and the laptop was turned away from my bedroom, so if she came out, she wouldn't see anything. She called me to the bedroom, stating she missed me. I said I would be in soon, and finished business.

After this...I became a shell of myself. My wife felt like she had lost the man she married, and decided she wanted him back. So, she started coming onto me for sex...*deciding to be honest, I'm crying at the moment, this thought tears me up inside.* ...and I decided not to. I was at my lowest. My wife said her husband returned for a short while, during her pregnancy, I came out of my shell to help her. She knew he was there. But, if having a child is what drew him out, sobeit. She told me she wanted another child. ANOTHER CHILD!?!? IT SERIOUSLY CAME TO THIS! Despite my internal struggle, I was outwardly excited. We slept together for the first time...and I lost it. When we finished, I balled, like a baby. Heh, she asked me what was wrong, I told her I love her SOOO much! What a load of crock. I had to tell her, I had to be free. At work the following day I wrote a song, yes, an entire song essentially coming out of my P closet.
*/END POSSIBLE TRIGGERS*

It is entitled "I Need You"...

VERSE 1:
These are my thoughts, drowning in doubts
I love you, but I find myself denying the reality
That's afflicting me
I can't let go, I can't free me, from this absurdity
It's like a ball and chain, weighing me down
Won't I finally let go?
Where's the key? Obviously hiding from me
Open my eyes, see the prize, and know I'll be all alright?
I feel like I am drowning in a raging inferno
Like taking a bath in a boiling pot
My emotions are on fire, and they seem to never tire
I feel so dumb, wish I was numb
How do I let go of something I held so dear?

CHORUS:
Flee to work, ain't that a quirk?
It chases me there
Hide at home, I feel so alone
Can't even tell my wife
The sin that easily besets me
Has me in a vice, even the cock has crowed thrice
And yet I still breathe, even though all the air has been sucked from my lungs
I need You, I have failed, trailed by the sin that so easily besets me
I need air, breathe into me Your grace
I need water, drown me in Your presence
I NEED YOU!

VERSE 2:
Love, I can't tell you how sorry I am
I'm not even a man
I am pathetic, I am weak
My bleak outlook on life is shrouded in failure
You are my everything, you give me hope for tomorrow
But for today, cradle me in your arms
Know that I have a sickness, and you are the cure
Help free me from this pain, this shame, this embarrassment
I lied to cover my shame, NO MORE!
I hide where I should be exposed, NO MORE!
Know my faults, know my weaknesses, expose it in the LIGHT!
I'm a shod of man, made right by Redemption
But, Love, through this war, I need your participation

...This work was published on 1/22/2015, Day 0 of my recovery. 1/21/15 was the last time I MO'ed while watching P.

Final Thoughts:

So, since then, 369 days have passed. My wife and I struggled, but like the song said, I needed her participation. She has been a miracle to me. God knew before time began, that I needed her to get me through this. Before this began, my relationship with God was all but gone. He was still there, telling me to cut it out. But, instead of listening I decided to beat the donkey down the path of destruction - (Gleaned from NUMBERS 22 (NIV Version)).

I would like to leave you with a few thoughts on this insane man's journey through his first of many years to come being P free.

1.) P is a lonely man's addiction. It wasn't until I came out of the closet that I realized I couldn't handle this alone. To those reading this who just joined NoFap, you've already made the correct first step. But also consider telling someone close to you, a close friend, a spouse, a family member, and ask for their help, it will make a huge difference. I actually told my wife, my best friends (Jason and Josh), and my Pastor. Telling my best friend (Josh) caused him to tell me that he used to be addicted, he told his fiance on the same night they got engaged, and she said yes if he would quit. He has been clean for coming on 3 years. Telling my best friend (Jason) actually got him to come out of his addiction too actually, coming out when did saved his marriage, and he and his wife are expecting a little boy now!

2.) Lockdown! My wife actually locked down all the devices in our home, the laptop, tablets, desktop and cell phones...inhibiting me from using them for that purpose. Only she knows the password. That saved me a lot during my recovery.
(Note: For this to work, YOU CANNOT DO IT! Someone else has to, so you do not know the password. Otherwise, in a moment of weakness, you can just disable. Remember, get help through this. You can't do it alone.)

2.) Fear. Fear isn't always a bad thing. I feared losing my wife, my kids, my friends, and being left to my own cesspit of filth. Fear of loss is a powerful thing.

3.) Jesus Christ. If not for Him, I never would've known I had an addiction. That still small voice saves my life on a daily basis, and praise be to Him who set me free.

I love and respect you all, if you need help with anything feel free to let me know, and I will there for you.

I am strong, you are strong, together we are strong!

Romans 8:37 (NIV) No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

 

Really a great inspiring story man! Its nice to see how much, telling our problems to our loved ones will help us. Nice song lyrics by the way. I had goosebumps reading that. Lovely. Keep up the good work brother.

 

Final Check in...

Good morning, this will be my final entry to you all, and I hope you find this day successful. I have learned A LOT since joining this site just under a month ago, but find myself struggling with the feeling that all this site is now doing for me is forcing me to dwell on a old wound that has already since healed. I would like to leave you all with a few things I have learned in this journey, and then I would like to encourage you on your own.

1.) Day One. I have learned the struggle is a daily battle, one that we should always be prepared for. It is during the moments when complacency set in that we start to relax and THAT is when the enemy invades and we relapse. Opps.

2.) "Why am I so weak?" I find the same typical complaints on every relapse, why am I so weak...why can't I do this...I am trying really hard...STOP!!! Asking these questions only affirms them. Rhetorical much? "Why am I so weak?" is an addicts way of saying I have accepted my weakness. Kudos @ropie for shining that light on me.

3.) Victory. You already have it. It is time to live in it. We struggle moment by moment when we question our victory. Take point 2 and use it to your advantage, "Why am I so victorious?!" Try saying that without a smile on your face. DECLARE IT, "I AM VICTORIOUS!" Tell it to everyone you meet, and notice how at that moment, you brighten their day. Become someone attractive, by first accepting and loving yourself.

4.) Jesus Christ. He is the Way, He is the Truth, He is the Life! Without him you are doomed to fail not only this life, but the next to come. I urge each and every one of you, to find salvation through Him. He is the strength I needed to overcome this demon, this sin that so easily besets me. Humanity has lost its way, but He is right their waiting to call you back on the Forgotten Way, and lead you into a need world that He has created for you. I am sorry if this sounds desperate, but it is in desperation that I write this to you, you have all changed my life and I truly hope to do the same for you. If you are a Christian, I pray that you get back on the horse and ride where He is leading you. You have the victory but He gave it to you through His dying on the sacred cross.

I love you all, and I hope and pray you have the moment to realize these truths I am showing you, do NOT let your humanity get in the way of a long and fruitful life. God bless you all in the name of Jesus Christ, Our Banner, Jehovah-Nissi. Be not ashamed to proclaim His glory from the rooftops, the time is nigh and I hope you will join me in the glory to come. God bless you all.

Jesus Christ - My Rock and my Redeemer - Adonai Tsuri v'gi'ali