Defensiveness and PMO addicts

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by GG2002, Jul 9, 2017.

  1. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    Today is not a good day. Ever since I discovered his PMO use my partner has been extremely defensive and unwilling to apologize about anything. He apologized about the PMO but for whatever reason since he quit he is unwilling to ever see things from my view and unwilling to apologize for anything he does not think he did wrong except he never thinks he does anything wrong and he can never see that others may feel differently. So today we are talking on skype and he's talking about Tom Cruise and how great he looks for his age and it was because it was his job to look good it was easier. He then said to me"if you were paid to look good you would look like Jessica Alba and have a great body." This really hurt me. What I heard was your body is not great. The old me would likely brush this off. But the me who is insecure due to his PMO use got stung by it. I also do have a pretty good body close to hers but of course not perfect so for him to say that reads as your body is still not that which I desire. Now I understand that men don't always get certain things that hurt women. In the past he asked me to explain to him why I was hurt and so I did very calmly and not accusatory. I explained that I did not think his intention was to hurt me but before I could even get it all out he started yelling at me and got very defensive and said I was twisting his words and I was in the wrong. He yelled at me several times you are wrong. I remained calm and asked him if the fact that I saw things different than him and was hurt made me wrong? He said yes it does. I asked him if he can understand that not everyone sees the world like he does (as I've asked many times) and his response was that I was trying to change what he said and lawyering him. He then shouted at me that he was sorry and he was not discussing this anymore he would just not say anything and here I go with this again. I'm not sure what this is. I informed him that I no longer wanted to speak to him and hung up. I am not calling back.

    Guys this happens anytime I try to bring something up that hurt me. He gets so defensive and as a result won't listen to my feelings or even allow me to explain why what he did hurt. All I needed was for him to listen to me and understand. It was not that big of a deal but now it is a big deal because of him flipping out about it.

    I constantly feel like he's keeping score. Being wrong about anything is a loss for him and so he refuses to concede or even hear me. I have tried so hard. I am kind I don't nit pick about dumb things, I discuss it calmly but nothing works. The only thing would be for me to never again bring up anything he did that hurt me. And guys he's so angry at me and I don't know why. I have done nothing but be supportive to him. It's more important to him to be right than it is to stop and say maybe she is hurt let me listen to why so I don't do it again.

    What to do? Why won't he listen to me? Why is he so angry at me? I just think that either he can't or won't change this behavior. This time I am not reaching out to him. Every time I do and he never does. So if he does not reach out we will never speak again. I'm at a loss I don't understand this behavior!
    Deleted Account likes this.
  2. IMG_4501.JPG
    I'm so sorry. I know you've struggled with this for some time. I just want to send you hugs. It's hard to feel like you're not heard but even worse to be silenced, especially by someone who's supposed to love you. I hope he wakes up and gets it sooner than later.
  3. *That was my calm sad reaction. The other one is angry and contains expletives. Lots of them. More hugs
    Deleted Account likes this.
  4. I don't write too often on here anymore, just read once in a while. I left my fiance when I realized that he wasn't actually trying to change. He was just getting better at hiding things and I was ignoring he signs because I desperately wanted to believe that he wanted to change for us and our life together. I spent 3 months working on things with him and initially, he was starting to open up a bit (although not nearly enough), but I kept saying to myself that he was trying. But slowly his defensiveness was coming back and I finally listened to myself and checked up on him (something I was not doing throughout because I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt). What I found was that he never actually gave anything up, but was better at hiding it and probably doing it less than before that he was benefitting physically a bit...but never actually gave it up completely like he claimed he did.

    Although I don't know your situation, or your relationship, him being so defensive and deflecting all blame onto you shows guilt. The more defensive (shouting at you) makes me think he is not actually clean. He is deflecting attention from what he is doing. That comment about your body was something that my ex was doing in different ways, slowly bringing up little insults like that because he was slipping further back into his addiction and his brain was getting more messed up again and he wasn't able to hide his distorted thinking as well.

    I am not telling you to leave him, that is your decision to make. But what I am cautioning is that maybe you want to believe that he is clean more than he actually is. Someone who is being honest does not react the way he did with you. Someone who is trying to work through an addiction is not defensive, but is humble and wants to make you feel better, to fix things.

    I hope that you really think about your own feelings about this, what your inner talk is when he says or does things that don't add up. I believe that us SOs all have a commonality in that we don't listen to ourselves because we are too busy trying to hold onto something fake (our ideal relationship). Listen to yourself. And do what you need to for yourself. Maybe that means checking up on him (although that puts us SOs in a horrible emotional and physical state). Maybe he isn't doing anything, but he also may not be interested in trying to change things either.

    I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope things get to a place where you will feel comfortable for you, whatever place that is...
    Kenzi and TooMuchTooSoon like this.
  5. Like I said previously, I don't write on here often and don't even sign in when I read on here. I just got a notification about something I posted to you back in April about the exact same issue. It's July now. You must be exhausted. hugs
    Kenzi likes this.
  6. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    Thank you and that quote is spot on. After all if we only feel the need to apologize when we think we did something wrong no one would ever apologize.
    It is also correct that he has not changed. I can never have any conversation with him about anything he perceives as negative so basically him throwing a temper tantrum everytime I do is an attempt to manipulate me to not. We are going on a week long vacation and if after that I don't see things resolved or feel any better at all then I am going to end things. But I don't think it will resolve . He just can't or won't change . I do not know if he's using again I suppose he could be . You are correct that he was not defensive like this prior to me discovering the pmo. Based on what he says I think that what happened there was that he feels like I always have the upper hand and so anytime he gets what he considers a loss in his corner (something he did to hurt me) it reminds him again that he can't win. No matter what way I try to explain to him that relationships are a team effort and you should listen to understand not listen to defend he won't change.
    There is no way for me to know 100 percent if he is using pmo but the interesting thing is this defensive behavior is more concerning to me overall than the pmo use because a relationship with someone that has these type of communication skills will never work and I'm not so sure that fixing the pmo will fix this. I can't be with someone who is not on my team. And I read a lot about the big things that bring marriages down and defensiveness criticism and stonewalling are all three.
    It's funny when I ask what caused his divorce 8 years ago he said one day she just up and left. I don't know why she said she did not love me anymore and was not happy. She never told me what was wrong. But looking now I suspect she told him exactly what was wrong over and over and he just chose not to hear it. Thanks so much ladies for your input and counsel. He does have some really good qualities but unfortunately the bad ones make him in my opinion incompatible for intimate relationships.
  7. Sry it's been this difficult. Relationships are hard but definitely do not need to be this hard. If he doesn't "get it" you can't make him unfortunately. And he's obviously not willing to work with you as a team so you are the only one fighting this battle. Take care of yourself. You deserve more don't settle!
  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    And if it gets bad next time, don't wait this long to leave.
    Don't waste Your time.
    You deserve to enjoy many moments.

Share This Page