Depression and Suicide

cardinal biggles

cardinal biggles

Fapstronaut
Today I was informed about somebody who I knew, albeit briefly, made the decision to take his own life last weekend, I knew he was missing but only today have the police and his family confirmed.

I keep looking at a recent photograph of him when I first saw the photo I thought he looked comfortable, he's smirking at the camera you would had thought he hadn't a care in the world.

Some might say that at the time of the photo he was a peace, I disagree I don't believe you can be at peace while contemplating such a decision.

I'm posting this because I come across a lot of emotions on these forums, sad, lonely, angry and I'm sure I'm not the only one on here who was thought of just ending it, seeing it as a form of release. If so I want you to know that you're not alone, it will pass and it's okay not to be okay.

I keep thinking of the last time I saw him, now in hindsight I said to him what I've just written to you.
Another young man has left us too soon.
:emoji_v:&:emoji_hearts:
 
I'm heartbroken reading this story :( it's horrific when people see no other escape but to end their lives.
I would like to wish the best of luck to all his family and friends in the tough period ahead.

Stay strong.
 
Tough to hear your story I hope things get better for you, things like this never seem to make sense and the effects of it hurt family and friends for years. All i can say is to stay strong, do stuff you enjoy and dont overthink what you could have done or not picked up on with that person
take care of yourself
 
cardinal biggles said:
I don't believe you can be at peace while contemplating such a decision.
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It is easy to generalise with this topic. But I can tell you that when I decided to kill myself, I was serene. I shopped for the weapon, went to work for three days etc and nobody noticed anything. There was no distress to discern. I was in joy. It is the most dangerous emotional state to be in when your death is imminent.
 
Most of my friends don't know that I have been diagnosed with severe depression and have had active suicidal ideation in the past (thanks to therapy its now more of a passive ideation). My public mask is the outgoing sociable type since most expect "healthy" people to be that way. The few friends that know what's truly going on are the ones I trust and have had a heart to heart with regarding the matter.

The point is you're never going to know what people need if they don't ask or reach out for help. Even when they do, what you say may or may not make an impact. For me one of my best friends was able to help me just by saying they would be there and that they cared. He never said "it gets better" or "its a permanent solution to a temporary problem". Those sayings, while I understand them, sound more like stupid platitudes.
 
Thank you for sharing this story and for encouraging others that they are not alone and that they don’t have to make such a decision. Last year I knew someone from church who took his own life in October. But a few weeks prior to that incident, I had seen him playing the organ in the corner of the sanctuary of the church, as he always had. He was incredibly talented. I smiled and waved while he was playing along with the song that the choir and band were playing, and I remember he caught my eye and smiled and nodded a gesture of hello back. And then I turned and took my seat and that was the very last time I saw him. It’s a snapshot etched in my memory and I am so blessed to have known him. I just want everyone who’s reading this to know that you never know how much of a positive influence and blessing you may be to someone else and you might not know it and that you matter.
 
Lazybones said:
"its a permanent solution to a temporary problem".
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I agree with calling this an empty cliché. This phrase ought to be banned from the language, it is that fucking stupid! There are loads of problems that are not temporary.
 
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IGY said:
It is easy to generalise with this topic. But I can tell you that when I decided to kill myself, I was serene. I shopped for the weapon, went to work for three days etc and nobody noticed anything. There was no distress to discern. I was in joy. It is the most dangerous emotional state to be in when your death is imminent.
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I disagree that I'm generalising, it is something I genuinely believe in, but I don't want this thread to turn into a debate, I want people to have a chance to open up about their history with depression whether it was themselves or somebody they know or knew.

Do you mind if I ask if you could share to us what made you not carry out your decision to take your life?

If you don't feel comfortable sharing and going back to such a difficult period I understand but I'm curious as you write as if you were at peace but you are still here sharing your story with us, what made you change your mind?
 
Lazybones said:
The few friends that know what's truly going on are the ones I trust and have had a heart to heart with regarding the matter.
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I'm really glad to read that you are comfortable sharing your experiences with friends. I imagine it was very difficult to do at first, god knows I've failed to open up to those who I regard as close.
 
KailianuOf831 said:
I am so blessed to have known him. I just want everyone who’s reading this to know that you never know how much of a positive influence and blessing you may be to someone else and you might not know it and that you matter.
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Thank you for sharing your story too, it really moved me. I empathise a lot with what you have gone/going through. It's still taking me time to process what happened but when I read how you feel "blessed to have known him" really encourages me to remember everybody for their best attributes and value what they give to you.
 
cardinal biggles said:
I don't want this thread to turn into a debate
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I am not seeking a debate. I simply offered a different perspective based on my personal experience.
cardinal biggles said:
Do you mind if I ask if you could share to us what made you not carry out your decision to take your life?

If you don't feel comfortable sharing and going back to such a difficult period I understand but I'm curious as you write as if you were at peace but you are still here sharing your story with us, what made you change your mind?
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I don't mind at all. I actively seek to break down stigma about serious mental illness (such as I have).

I didn't change my mind. I carried out my decision to end my life. I planned it meticulously. I closed my bank account, terminated all my business contracts and made all other arrangements necessary. I proceeded and very nearly died. In fact, police officers told my mum in the early hours of the morning I was dead. They had to return later to apologise and tell her I had survived. A surgeon was airlifted by helicopter as it was thought an emergency operation in situ was needed, but he assessed I could be moved. I spent the rest of the week in a general hospital to treat me physically. Then I was taken to a locked psychiatric hospital for 7 months until I was well enough to leave. That is as abridged as I can make it. o_O
 
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IGY said:
I don't mind at all. I actively seek to break down stigma about serious mental illness (such as I have).

I didn't change my mind. I carried out my decision to end my life. I planned it meticulously. I closed my bank account, terminated all my business contracts and made all other arrangements necessary. I proceeded and very nearly died. In fact, police officers told my mum in the early hours of the morning I was dead. They had to return later to apologise and tell her I had survived. A surgeon was airlifted by helicopter as it was thought an emergency operation in situ was needed, but he assessed I could be moved. I spent the rest of the week in a general hospital to treat me physically. Then I was taken to a locked psychiatric hospital for 7 months until I was well enough to leave. That is as abridged as I can make it. o_O
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Thanks for sharing this, it is good to see you sharing your story breaking the stigma.

I can only imagine the experience you and your family went through but I want to know how do you feel about it now in hindsight? Are you regretful or maybe grateful?

Again I can only imagine as I have never been at the stage where I would go beyond contemplating suicide and I really hope you are in a better place mentally.
 
IGY said:
I agree with calling this an empty cliché. This phrase ought to be banned from the language, it is that fucking stupid! There are loads of problems that are not temporary.
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It might be more accurate to say, a (possibly) permanent solution to an intermittent problem.

But yeah it is stupid. Plenty of stupidity going round in this world my friends..
 
cardinal biggles, thanks for initiating this thread. My encounters with possible suicide were brief and I can't remember how many, 2 or 3 maybe.

I have a strong commitment to follow Jesus combined with a pmo addiction. It's been an emotional battle for decades, but I no longer have any thoughts about checking out of this world early. The times when I contemplated early retirement from life were brought about from shame and discouragement over not being able to kick pmo out of my life. I felt like a big hypocrite proclaiming the good news of salvation all the while not being holy like I really wanted to be.
The Lord basically freed me from the depression although I still take meds. (I tried to get off them and slipped a couple of times down into the ditch of not being able to get out of bed, not eating enough, only what was required to avoid hunger pains. Changing clothes, brushing teeth, shaving and taking a shower were not on my radar.

The Lord healed me from thinking this life is not worth living. He helped me see that He was more concerned with me having productive relationships where I was a blessing to others than having self control over my addiction. As I took that to heart and began focusing my efforts on others I no longer felt there was nothing in my life worth my being here.

Taking my own life was never really something I could do. I knew I would be hurting my friends and family and I never thought about it until just now, but I guess I already had the seed of focusing on others in mind because I didn't want to hurt them grievously by committing suicide. Be that as it may, I often writhed in bed begging God to take me out. Because taking my own life was off the table I felt helplessly dependent on God's mercy to end it.

Coming to nofap after 60 years of pmo has been a shot of adrenaline in my spirit. In all those years I never felt the certainty I was finished with the scourge until now. I only have 17 days of freedom accumulated, but I have a confident spirit animating me now, a certainty this is the end of my scourging.

So why did God wait so long to free me? I'm sure I don't know the full spectrum of reasons, but there are some good things that have developed within me. Having this addiction for so long has given me a sympathetic heart for others. It's difficult for me to judge anyone's motivations and intentions. I've broken out of my self-centered preoccupations to the degree that I have an interest in serving other people's needs and though I haven't reach the pinnacle of generosity there is substantial growth in that regard.
 
cardinal biggles said:
how do you feel about it now in hindsight? Are you regretful or maybe grateful?
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In the aftermath I was traumatised by what I had done to myself. :o What I regret most is the impact on my dear mum. We were and still are very close. Even I can only imagine the anguish she went through. I can never forgive myself for the distress she experienced. I have mixed feelings about it now. I have suffered greatly in the intervening years. So, part of me wishes I had completed suicide. On the other hand, it would have destroyed my mum and I am grateful I didn't do that.
cardinal biggles said:
Again I can only imagine as I have never been at the stage where I would go beyond contemplating suicide and I really hope you are in a better place mentally.
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I am not in a good place mentally, but better than I was at the time of these events. I have found a way to manage the three disorders I have. I have not made any further attempts to kill myself in the last eight years. Some progress I guess.
 
IGY said:
I am not in a good place mentally, but better than I was at the time of these events. I have found a way to manage the three disorders I have. I have not made any further attempts to kill myself in the last eight years. Some progress I guess.
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I think it is progress, everyday can be a struggle. I'm glad to read that you and your mum are still close. I really wish you all the best on your next steps, I've been thinking of your story all day and again I can only imagine what it must had been like but I don't believe it's an experience anyone can truly move on from and I'm relieved that you say you are in a better place and I think it's encouraging that you are sharing it with us, thanks again for doing this.

Take care of yourself brother. :emoji_punch:
 
cardinal biggles said:
I think it is progress, everyday can be a struggle. I'm glad to read that you and your mum are still close. I really wish you all the best on your next steps, I've been thinking of your story all day and again I can only imagine what it must had been like but I don't believe it's an experience anyone can truly move on from and I'm relieved that you say you are in a better place and I think it's encouraging that you are sharing it with us, thanks again for doing this.

Take care of yourself brother. :emoji_punch:
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Thank you Biggles. :)

I appreciate your empathy for those of us that are doing our best to manage our mental health issues from day to day (or hour to hour sometimes). Yes, mum and I are very close. She turned 90 last month and is still an inspiration to me. <3 :)
 
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