Hi! I really need some input what you guys think about my story so if you have the time it is much appreciated. Gone through the normal porn escalation which eventuelly led to transexual porn. I have even acted out at 4 different occasions with transexual women. I see a lot of posts here about how it is solely an issue of escalation which i partly believe to be true although in my case i am not sure. I remember elementary school around grade six ( age 12 in my Country ) a friend showed us a video that looked like normal porn at first glance, then the woman lifted her leg up and you could see she had a Dick, everyone laughed in disgust about it but i remember so vividly how i, already back then, did not really feel as it was disgusting. Didnt think much about it untill the next time i saw ”transsexual porn” It was in the movies while watching Hangover 2, the scene where they enter the strip club and you see a shemale pornstars full nude body. At that time i even got an erection and remember feeling ashamed for it. Thou it was nothing i thought more of. At that time i was 15. fastforward to age 19 and my first time pmo:ing to trans porn. Never felt too bad about it since i have never in my life been attacted to males and still am not. So hocd is not really an Issue for me. During this time i was also starting my habit of smoking weed Which lasted daily for about 3 years. During those 3 years i slept with 3 different transexuals, even a pornstar but i Will leave out the name for trigger risk. I did it knowing people would judge me but i never judged Myself ( i was also having ”regular” sex with cis females during all these years) Then one summer one year after my last acting out i did it Again, now aged 22. This last encounter was the one in ” earliest stage out of the 4” in terms of transitioning. Also something that might be important is the fact i had not smoked weed for about 6 months due to legal issues. Anyways immediately after that last encounter i just fell into a deep depression that lasted 5 Months. Got over it by meds and therapy and now i have relapsed in the depression about a year since i recovered from the last bout. Sorry for rambling on i guess my question is why has it left me feeling this way, if it did not the first 3 times. It has really been hard since i get super anxious when around people and i feel this heavy burden of guilt, shame and all that comes with depression. I am now Trying for 30 days pmo free but my fear is that, even if i would lose the ”fetish, attraction” or whatever it might be, the memory of me really acting it out Will only haunt me more when/if i ever fully loose the attraction for trans porn / real life trans sex.