In all honesty, I just need to write this down somewhere. I figured that I'd post it here and see what others would make of it. This is just a rant, 100% honest evaluation of my life. So, this weekend hasn't been kind to me at all. I've fallen off on my goals, returned to my old habits, and just feel like shit all over again. But now, I want to take a look at why I am this way. To clarify, I'm 15. And I'm an outcast; I just don't fit in with the crowd. I'm awkward and quiet, and drown my sorrows away in video games and porn. Man, it f***ing sucks when people tell me "your fine, your just smart," as if that's any recollection for being isolated. Who gives a shit how smart I am, man. I can't see how it helps me do anything. "Smart people are quiet," they say. Man, SHUT UP! That's basically telling me that I'm inadequate (I hope that you guys catch my drift with that, if not I'll clarify). Now look, I love my parents, but they didn't do much to help me out here. My mom is overprotective of me. She constantly tells me that if I go out, I'd be at serious risk of death by a plethora of sources. It convinced young me not to like going out very much, and I never formed those social connections a normal kid was supposed to. And my dad? He's got a huge superiority complex, and basically reprimanded me away from hanging out with the guys until recently. Because I was "above them". Doesn't fucking feel that way now, huh dad. I guess I can't say I'm at rock bottom quite yet. I have a few friends. I don't go out often though. Everyone's always busy. But seeing everyone else out having fun, getting laid, and enjoying life while I'm here typing this. It f***ing hurts. It's something I need, but something I can't get, ya know? Something just out of my grasp. And yeah, I get teased and bullied a bit as well. It's funny, I always mind my own business and stay to myself, and yet I'm a target. Seems like I'm an easy target I guess. It all hurts like hell man. Feels like I've been battered and bruised emotionally and psychologically. I won't ever be with the in-crowd at my school. I'm fine with that, honestly. But being a lone wolf is tough; humans are meant to search for validation and look to fit in. We're social animals. But I'm not very social, I guess. And now I'm here, writing this. I'm at a crossroads. I could try once more to pick myself up through self-improvement. But I've been crashing and burning for years. All that failure mounts up, and I'm close to giving up man. I don't know what I'll do to be honest. That's my rant. If any of you actually read through the whole thing, I want to say thanks. For spending your time on someone like me. It means more then you know. Take care. Oh, and just to clarify: I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I wouldn't hurt others or myself because of stuff like this, that I already came to the conclusion of. Pain is pain though, and I feel like garbage right now, that's real..