Depression(my story) ~ I'm now at a crossroads

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by itsrob, Aug 26, 2018.

  1. itsrob

    itsrob Fapstronaut

    In all honesty, I just need to write this down somewhere. I figured that I'd post it here and see what others would make of it. This is just a rant, 100% honest evaluation of my life.

    So, this weekend hasn't been kind to me at all. I've fallen off on my goals, returned to my old habits, and just feel like shit all over again. But now, I want to take a look at why I am this way.

    To clarify, I'm 15. And I'm an outcast; I just don't fit in with the crowd. I'm awkward and quiet, and drown my sorrows away in video games and porn. Man, it f***ing sucks when people tell me "your fine, your just smart," as if that's any recollection for being isolated. Who gives a shit how smart I am, man. I can't see how it helps me do anything. "Smart people are quiet," they say. Man, SHUT UP! That's basically telling me that I'm inadequate (I hope that you guys catch my drift with that, if not I'll clarify).

    Now look, I love my parents, but they didn't do much to help me out here. My mom is overprotective of me. She constantly tells me that if I go out, I'd be at serious risk of death by a plethora of sources. It convinced young me not to like going out very much, and I never formed those social connections a normal kid was supposed to. And my dad? He's got a huge superiority complex, and basically reprimanded me away from hanging out with the guys until recently. Because I was "above them". Doesn't fucking feel that way now, huh dad.

    I guess I can't say I'm at rock bottom quite yet. I have a few friends. I don't go out often though. Everyone's always busy. But seeing everyone else out having fun, getting laid, and enjoying life while I'm here typing this. It f***ing hurts. It's something I need, but something I can't get, ya know? Something just out of my grasp.

    And yeah, I get teased and bullied a bit as well. It's funny, I always mind my own business and stay to myself, and yet I'm a target. Seems like I'm an easy target I guess. It all hurts like hell man. Feels like I've been battered and bruised emotionally and psychologically.

    I won't ever be with the in-crowd at my school. I'm fine with that, honestly. But being a lone wolf is tough; humans are meant to search for validation and look to fit in. We're social animals. But I'm not very social, I guess.

    And now I'm here, writing this. I'm at a crossroads. I could try once more to pick myself up through self-improvement. But I've been crashing and burning for years. All that failure mounts up, and I'm close to giving up man. I don't know what I'll do to be honest. That's my rant. If any of you actually read through the whole thing, I want to say thanks. For spending your time on someone like me. It means more then you know. Take care.

    Oh, and just to clarify: I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I wouldn't hurt others or myself because of stuff like this, that I already came to the conclusion of. Pain is pain though, and I feel like garbage right now, that's real..
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2018
  2. Neveragain27

    Neveragain27 Fapstronaut

    Sorry to hear bro:(
    But you are young im sure things will get easier with time:)
    itsrob likes this.
  3. Mankrik

    Mankrik Fapstronaut

    I can relate to this. I was in a similar situation in high school and that was a low and depressing time in my life. It is a basic human need to have interactions and feel accepted by others. My advice would be to not think too much about it. I know that's hard because it is an overwhelming force that is causing you dissatisfaction in life but it will pass. I go to college now and still struggle with finding friends and a girlfriend but things have gotten a lot better now that I have freedom and am on my own. There are brighter days ahead but you have to find passion in the wake of all the unfairness and misfortune. It's not easy but if your going through hell keep on going.
    itsrob likes this.
  4. itsrob

    itsrob Fapstronaut

    I hope so man, I really do.

    Yeah, I guess that's what I'm hoping for as well. When I'm an adult, I'll have more opportunity to meet people just off of the fact that I have personal freedom. Still, I won't let my current situation stop me from improving, if I can.
  5. Clean Plate

    Clean Plate Fapstronaut

    Damn now youre making me feel the same way. LOL. Jokes aside, who cares what the next guy or girl is doing. Focus on what you need to do (stop PMO and maybe even video games). I used to love playing video games A LOT. After a couple of years ignoring my problems via playing video games or PMOing. I got fed up with it. You might be close to that point. I no longer play video games. I cant even stand playing for about 10 minutes. Same with porn. I felt it was time to go out and try to find meaningful interactions with not just women but all people regardless of gender. You are in a depression (withdrawl) probably due to your PMO.
    Now I have Major depression and I went to CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy classes) and the thought pattern that stood out to me the most with those statements (above) was "Labeling(either yourself or others.)"
    Heres straight from the book...
    Labeling: Attaching a negative label, instead of seeing an error or problem.
    Labels can become self-fulfilling prophecies.
    Stupid vs. not good at math.
    Clumsy vs. drops things occasionally.
    The Antidote: (Ask yourself)What is it specifically that I cant do or that I am upset about?
    What did I do vs. who am I?
    Hope this helps.
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  6. Swagnation

    Swagnation Fapstronaut

    I think i'm kind of in the same situation as you. I'm not officially depressed, but i feel extremely bad when i'm alone, and even with friends i can feel bad because i feel a kind of disconnection between me and them. I don't know if i even am good friend with those people, even though i've known them for so long. I am really looking forward to go to college, because i will need a lot of new people there. But surviving high school is very hard for me, because i'm alone so much because my friends are busy most of the time. I do things with my family to keep myself busy, but for some reason i feel really lonely then. Even though i'm just a few months ahead of finishing high school (i' done in april), it still feels like an eternity ahead. Don't know if you relate to all of this but i wanted to share my story
    itsrob likes this.
  7. Dear bro, I know how you are feeling, I have been there. My real trigger is when I feel depressed, or a like a loser. I quietly withdraw into my room and my fap my life into more depression and losership.

    I have been there bro, and what I can say is, you have a great chance not to end up like me who is currently battling a heart problem because of fapping (not joking)

    I can guarantee that your life will be much better if you quit now.

    I know it will be hard to ask for help from anyone but that would be better.

    I don't know if you confide in mum and let her know.

    You are only a boy. I'm 31 years and started this shit when I was 13 or 14. You can do this lil bro.
    Your life will be much better than it is now.
    It won't be easy now looking at how you could easily do some few clicks and you are watching porn again

    Take my advice you can stop now.
    Your life will be better.
    You won't have any erectile disfunction and other blood vessel and heart diseases like I'm fighting now.

    I encourage you to turn around.
    You are not addicted.

    Bullying is part of life, most of your bullyers will be the guys selling at the grocery store in your adulthood and they will smile and say hi when they see you. Even as adults we face bullying at work and everywhere it part of life. Don't let it make you destroy yourself more. But stop PMO and have a chance to develop into a real man, into a real Alpha male and you will be happy you did.

    Much love
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 27, 2018
    ShowY and itsrob like this.
  8. Brings back memories when I was in highschool, It does get better Don't let losers in your school bring you down I saw some of my ex classmates that are women I used to think were hot back when I was in high school i saw them again awhile back. I can tell you this I would be ashamed if I had slept with them back then they looked like hell now . You can get threw this your a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.
    im_broken and itsrob like this.
  9. itsrob

    itsrob Fapstronaut

    Hey, thats some great advice, maybe I'll have to look into the way I label things in the future like you said.

    That's exactly how I feel bro. It's like when I'm out with the friends I have, I don't feel like I know how to connect with em or their problems, ya know? I'm excited for college too, though thats years off for me; I think I'll be able to take a better grasp of my life once I move out.

    I'm so sorry about your health problems caused by PMO. It's truly an evil vice that's done nothing good for us. I hope that by quitting and going on this self-improvement odyssey, I'll feel better about myself in the end. And yeah, I don't let what bullies say get to me that much, but it's still hurtful, ya know? In the end, I just wanna be happy. Good luck to you too!

    Thanks, I kinda needed that. It's hard for me to look forward when goin through this, but I'll manage. Good luck yourself
    Survivor Wars likes this.
  10. Matt21994

    Matt21994 Fapstronaut

    Hey bro i can totally relate to you im 16 and went through the same thing last year in 9-10 grade. Basically you look at everyone how they have friends and your just the one who walks by them. And then while everyone is out partying you are in your room alone. I know how you feel but once i quit porn i felt so much better about myself you feel more confident to socialize and make friends. I currently sm going on my 6 month of nofap and im still experiencing mood swings like one week is great the next is terrible but the bad weeks are much shorter. Honestly bro i think you should quick porn man its horrible for you and will only make your life worse. Its like a drug dont let it take over your life quit it now.
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  11. itsrob

    itsrob Fapstronaut

    6 months huh? That's damn impressive dude, be proud of yourself. I agree; porn doesn't make my problems better, and in some ways make it worse. I will indeed quit.
    Survivor Wars likes this.
  12. Liked for Leslie Nielsen
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  13. HA HA HA LOL
    "Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts." The Naked Gun 2 ½: The Smell of Fear (1991)
    im_broken likes this.
  14. Haha xD

    Perhaps this is inappropriate here but nofap sometimes reminds me of this scene from the 3rd movie, warning potential triggers in the video

  15. That movie series is one of my all time favorites the writing was pure genius
  16. Man, I damn relate. I feel left out yet when I walk, I see girls turn. Am a slim guy who has had a disturbing adolescence. Sometimes I feel social but it's all hollow. I can't get the girls I want. I can't fit in the 'crews'. When I comment on something like in a group, everyone ignores the topic. I feel like am ostracised and hated. Dad is having rough financial times n life is all on the low. I don't have a solution but I jus wanna say that you ain't alone.
    im_broken likes this.
  17. I have been down this road a lot breaking out of it for me was realizing I was not responsible there moods or likeing or dislikeing me and I was not fucked up but I used to accept peoples judgment as truth now I realize that I am not responsible for there negivity or gloomy views. there responsible for there own shit
    Deleted Account likes this.
  18. itsrob

    itsrob Fapstronaut

    thanks fam
  19. MovingOnFromThePast

    MovingOnFromThePast Fapstronaut

    1. Focus on school
    2. Workout get in shape
    3. Find a part time job if you can

    Brains + Body + Money = girls will come to you
  20. I have totally on the same situation man. And I am lookin for a better future. Beating ourselves too much won't do anything in our situation. I think what I have missed is that learning how to live a life. How to live a life that I really love. Stay strong man.

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