Desensitization to porn but not to your SO?

It’s been 2 years now since I (27) created my account on NoFap because I was seeking advice for my boyfriend’s (23) behavior. Back then I was convinced that he had a porn addiction but there were always a few discrepancies that caused me to have doubts. Now for one thing that I would still like to make sense of, is it possible to be desensitized from too much porn but at the same time get a normal reaction when confronted with real stimuli? For example, when he still used to browse porn (he never really had a problem with excessive masturbation but rather just looking at porn), he did it so casually as if he was browsing the news, adding pictures of porn/breasts/asses/naked women to his phone’s “fap folder” and then just continue to play his video game or go to sleep with me or cook food with me, as if nothing happened. He could apparently look at arousing images without feeling physically and mentally triggered enough to act on them. But in all of that time he was doing that (behind my back) he never had an issue to easily get aroused from just looking at me or flirting with me or getting intimate with me. How does that make sense? Also another thing I could never make sense of and already posted about some time ago but without satisfying answers: he seems to be able to control the moment of climaxing. Especially when I perform oral sex on him, he seems to reach the point of "going over the edge" without any physical stimulation from me, whenever I'm about to get tired for example and he feels like now he should orgasm. It's like he can choose mentally when to make himself orgasm whenever he has already reached that point physically. I don't know if that makes sense. Could it be that watching porn trains the brain to control the moment of release, in order to look for more exciting videos/pictures to get more dopamine release without actually wanting the high to end by climaxing?

 

Thank you for your reply, Nick, that was really helpful. This sounds very much like my boyfriend treating sex in the same way. And even though he has stopped watching porn (I think) it still feels emotioneless and mechanical. I think he has a problem with sexual intimacy and making himself vulnerable that way. I have talked about these things with him in the past, but it usually ended in a conflict and with him getting defensive.

 

Thank you for your reply. I am thinking that maybe in the past porn wasn't as available and extreme as it is today, so maybe it just took longer time to get desensitized to it and start escalating. But if I understand correctly, his problem with attraction and desensitization to porn happened at the same time?

 

You are right, this is the biggest argument I have that he does/did have an addiction. The only reason we ever really had conflicts was because I had to find out over and over again that he was still looking at porn behind my back, even though I had asked him not to. And every time he was acting suspicious and I confronted him, he denied everything and even guilttripped me for not trusting him. And I can think of no other reason to treat a loved one this way other than addiction.