Despite i kept posting the same topic... maybe it is time for me to accept being gay?

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by saddist_adult, Mar 8, 2023.

  1. saddist_adult

    saddist_adult Fapstronaut

    I remembered flashbacks of when i was a kid... discovered my first porn, my brother's friends brought sex taps to the house and played it, i was surprised of a guy's's dick was long... and i was like 13 years old maybe, it was my first experience with pornography... then later on i started vanilla porn earliest... at the time i had crushes on girls... there was no homosexual behaviors at all during childhood.... it happens before i even discovered the internet and smartphone... as i got bored with vanilla porn, i dont get much excited anymore... i started to explore for more bizarre contents to get dopamine released... i jumped into gay cartoon... then i got bored after watched like 3 to 4 videos, i didn't like it... it was all muscular nothing impressed me, then I look for the small feminine guy getting dominated... and then i finally discovered transwoman porn... it was highly rewarding i could not get enough of it, at once point of time i masturbated so hard, i could not get normal erect, plus during the time i was dealing with depression and social anxiety, i seriously can not socialize or have healthy habits like any other kids... also i have huge family issues, dad and mom fight all the times, verbally abused me etc... since i suffered ED, i started to anal masturbation and mimic the transwoman hypnosis... the most regretful and shameful thing i did was... putting an object in my ass... like cucumber and banana, I was sucking like a cock... after done it, i felt regretted, depressed and shameful... not long for anal masturbation i did not get the excited feelings... i stick with penis masturbating again, after long periods of watching transwoman pornography... i jumped into hentai manga... the fucked up part is i watched the yaoi once and hentai trap where a guy looks feminine... i was so heavily addicted to it, i felt like porn is controlling my entire existence, I lose the ability to socialize, i lose the experience during adulthood... my social anxiety is out of control... despite all the disgusting porn, weird is my attraction towards women still the same.... i still love and fantasize about being together but the transwoman fetish is still crumbling my brain... every time i meet a hot chick, my brain will automatically imagine the girl with a dick.... whatever I watched will have an impact on the near future... After i decided to change my life and cut off porn... about 4 years without porn and masturbating, life has been completely flipped... the recovering period was hideous and traumatized plus the inexperienced outside world, i was struggling to be the best version of myself... i even set a goal in my mind once i'm done with nofap, i will get me a girlfriend and have sex for the first time... it's going to be my final destination of nofap... unfortunately.... everything turned into a complete false.... from all the porn i used to be addicted.... i had doubts about my sexuality because women's attraction is fading... sex drive gone... the weird part is i still have genuine feelings but... i have no attraction at all... after the incident about staring at my coworker, i questioned my sexuality and then I discovered HOCD from those who suffered porn addiction... for over a year, it was hell of living... i couldn't imagine the anxiety, and doubts was almost drived me completely insane... life was hell during sexual doubts... i finally went to therapy about my doubt about sexuality and past PMO addiction... the answer i received from my therapy isn't for all HOCD suffered wanted to hear.... she said i have no OCD instead I might have general anxiety disorder.... she told me to accept uncertainty, some realized earlier, some realized later... that was the most shocking moment of my life... i went back home in full despair and hopelessness, cause my goal has been destroyed completely... i think i might be really gay but in deeply denied it... i feed the urges and compulsion but i do not check gay stuffs... i almost slipped back to transwoman porn, i don't want porn to ruin my current life... instead, i just watched them twerking on instagram... but when i watching it, i was focused on the dick.... if a pretty chick, i look down has a dick, i got rock hard.... perhaps I did not like transgendered person... i like dick instead... i felt really hopeless about losing women's attraction also i'm 22 have no friends, am extremely introverted, never date before... to endure my loneliness, i got a job, to forget about being alone... it almost makes me feel like, i have no logical reasons to fight with the doubts of liking dicks... every time it was mentioned i felt something in my stomach... instead of excited, it felt like a pulled... i never have homosexual fantasy earlier life, also i was always in love with girls... the transwoman fetish, and penis making no choice but to maybe accept being a gay? to find peace within my mind? despite i have no interest in dating the same gender at all even fantasizing... fucking disgusting to me... transwoman fetish still going strong these days... even though i recovered from PMO addiction for 4 years... and recently the dick stuff kind of in my head whenever i looked at transwoman model, my brain thinks I like dick instead... i'm so done with my life... my therapy said i have no OCD... i think about suicide a week ago... now the thoughts of suicide coming back again... this is not what i planned after recovering from PMO addiction... i thought about having friends, a girlfriend, and having healthy sexual intimacy... but imagine if i told my girlfriends about my PMO addiction, I'm pretty sure, she will think i might be gay and bisexual....
  2. Peacelooker

    Peacelooker Fapstronaut

    Don’t know answere for you, but getting it off your mind is right direction Definetly stay away from porn ! You’ll figure it out, keep searching , and never give up
    silex_jedi likes this.
  3. penisman1984

    penisman1984 Fapstronaut

    I ain't reading all that but that wall of text tells me you probably have H-OCD.

    Get a therapist accquainted with OCD.
  4. Generic_Username_123

    Generic_Username_123 Fapstronaut

    You just have porn-brain. Stop watching porn.
    Meshuga likes this.
  5. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

    The fever pitch if addiction is the worst possible time to make a decision about who or what you really are. You can’t know. Your mind is sick. Get better, then figure your stuff out.

    Please either edit your post to communicate the same ideas but in less graphic language, or hide it behind a trigger warning. That’s not even my thing and it got too heavy to read.

    Back onto your fetish and who you are, you have to get some distance between yourself and your addiction before you can decide what you are. Your addiction distorts your perception. I know you’re thinking, “But this is what I’m drawn to. This is where I end up, this makes me get off the hardest. It must be my identity.” It’s not. A cancer patient is not defined by cancer. They are a complete person who would rather be doing something else, but has a health issue that needs to be dealt with. In the same way, you are a normal(ish) person with a problem. You are not your addiction.
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2023
  6. Hm ... more likely she might just think you have or had a porn addiction. Being gay or bisexual has got nothing to do with porn nor dicks only. Or do you define heterosexuality with vagina? I hope not. It is the person you love, the person you feel attracted to. The human being you have a crush on.
  7. g2stop

    g2stop Fapstronaut

    You need to stop porn
    Generic_Username_123 likes this.

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