Destroyed Marriage

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by RTE, Jan 13, 2021.

  1. RTE

    RTE Fapstronaut

    I am cross posting this from the 30-39 forums, I hope its allowed. I just think this section is better suited to my situation.


    I'm a soon to be 33 year old male that has finally been forced to come to terms with my porn addiction. I discovered porn at 13 years old, and have been fascinated with it ever since. All throughout my teen years and 20's, I just thought my porn use was what normal men did. Reading about the effects that porn has on the brain, and reflecting on my own life, I realize now that I have never given myself a chance to develop a healthy view of sex, and that this addiction has influenced all of my relationships and my life.

    It all came crashing down when my wife, who is post partum after giving birth to our first child, discovered I had cheated on her online. I went to an adult chat room and found a girl, who is the exact opposite of my wife, and had cybersex while she watched me on camera.

    I have understandably been kicked out of the house, and am facing a divorce. I am allowed to see my child for a few hours each day, but my presence in the house becomes too much for my wife, and I want to respect her space at this time.

    I am 6 days porn free as of today. I have been on the Recovery Nation site as well, and I am currently committed to bettering myself as a person, and to never watch porn again. I understand my addiction is a symptom of other issues in myself, and I am going to work on improving myself. Porn addiction has taken everything from me. My house, my wife, my new family.

    I already exercise semi-regularly, that will become regularly. I will do yoga every morning. I will commit to a better diet, and I will use my spare time on doing productive activities to better myself.

    I want to know the person I can be without porn, because I feel like I have only ever met that person in brief lengths of time. I want to be a better person, because if I don't, I will never be able to maintain healthy relationships, romantic or otherwise. I have to be a better person, so that when my child grows up, I can be a success story, a proper role model, and guide them through those formative teenage years. So they don't make the same mistakes I did.

    My therapist told me I should join some sort of group to help with my recovery, so here I am. I am going to post about my progress, and hopefully one day someone will find my journal here and use it as inspiration for a better life.

    The rest of my entries are here:

    I will be updating this thread with updates from now on
  2. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    Sa/saa groups are free and can be helpful.
    Chefb87 and Trobone like this.
  3. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

    It's great that you are working on healing your porn issues.
    Something that I think is good to point out is that porn didn't make you cheat.. you wanted to cheat and you are blaming porn for it. Maybe it's a self defense to avoid taking full responsability of your acts an avoid to feel too much guilty, that's something you need to figure out by yourself. Think about why you cheated on her.. leaving porn behind is not going to fix that.
    I've never cheated on my girlfiriends despite watching porn daily, and all of my friends cheated on their girlfriends without the use of porn. Now they are all no cheaters.. for me cheating has nothing to do with porn but been not satisfied with your wife.
  4. RTE

    RTE Fapstronaut

    From my last entry in my other thread:

    Was told to read a great book called "Out of the Doghouse" in regards to infidelity, and so far its helped paint a clearer picture about the gravity of my actions. I absolutely did commit infidelity and I absolutely crushed my wife by doing so. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong - which has been sort of the issue. Most of my family wants to sweep this issue under the rug as if it was just a mistake. It was not. It was a series of bad choices that I willingly made, with no regard for my wife's feelings.

    That's the problem with a porn addiction isn't it? At least for me. I was always so focused on myself. Porn is just a symptom of that though. Maybe it caused those self-involved and selfish tendencies to amplify, because my mind was always craving that high that porn gives, that nothing else can every compare too.

    I do know it definitely plagued my relationship for a long time. Simple things - wife wants to have a date night at home with some drinks, and I don't want to drink because I read before how alcohol effects protein synthesis and recovery. Sure, I work out regularly, but I'm not an athlete or professional bodybuilder, I can just have a nice evening of drinks with my wife. There's so many small things I can think of where I put myself or my desires first, rather than just thinking about what she needs. Most of the time, what she needed was quality time with her husband. That's it.

    I know porn didn't make me cheat. My selfish tendencies, my focus on my own personal pleasure with complete disregard of the consequences, and disregard of my wife's feelings, is what made me cheat. That is something that I have to fix, because its an issue that would exist, porn or not.

    I do believe that porn use did feed into that though, creating a cycle. There were extended periods of my relationship where I was not using porn at all, and I can say that I was a much more attentive, empathic husband during those periods
    eagle rising likes this.
  5. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

    Seconded - this website is nice and all - but it's not what your therapist meant
    Chefb87 and Psalm27:1my light like this.
  6. Peter.Parker10

    Peter.Parker10 Fapstronaut

    That's a hard episode you're facing in life, man. However, if you take advantage of it and grow from that, You'll become a better person.

    These are the consequences of your own actions, and facing them, and being willing to pay for what you've done and try to fix the problem is something really good for you.

    If you keep going through the bad times, I'm sure you and your family will see better times coming.

    My best wishes for you and your family.
    Cleanhead8020 likes this.
  7. Cleanhead8020

    Cleanhead8020 Fapstronaut

    Stay strong brother, not only for you, but for your kid and for the possibility of reconciliation.

    You can do this!

    Building on what Spiderman (@Peter.Parker10 , I revealed your secret!) said above;

    I have a young baby as well and keep telling myself: I am becoming the best version of myself so I can teach him to be his.

    Kids learn by example, if they see a father that's always low energy, irritable, selfish, confused (mental fog), sex crazed, half there, they will tend to emulate that. Let's give our kids a great father that's sharp, strong (mentality and physically), loving, empathic, energetic, funny and who masters himself. Giving this example to our kid helping them to reach their best self will truly help making the world a better place.

    Last but not least, no matter how hard it is for you right now, whether you stay with your wife or not, if you keep working on yourself, it's just a matter of time before you will be living a happy and fulfilled life, even better than what you had before.

    Sending you some positive energy
    eagle rising likes this.

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