Destroying my progress because Im alone

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Equal_exchange, Dec 10, 2019.

  1. Equal_exchange

    Equal_exchange Fapstronaut

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    Hello. I came here because idk what to do anymore. I will share my entire story so you understand.
    I was addiced to porn from early age like 11. I was heavily bullied on elementary school so it kinda helped to it. I hated every second there. On high school in sertain way it sucks to but I will get to it later.
    I suffered from PIED, ED and HOCD so my nofap journey began at start of this year when I realized what the hell Im doing with my life. (Even until now I would not call it living but that besided the point) At that time I was so disgusted by porn that It was kinda easy to stop PMO and MO. My first streak was 180days. I went through all stages I would say, If it comes to benefits I would say I finaly started to feel more benefits after 90days until that it was only more energy and no brain fog. Than I MOed once idk know why. Until now my streaks are small. Biggest one from 180day streak is 2 months but I still at that time didnt have any carvings or anything but now its bad. Im back to porn carvings and mo carvings. Im going to gym all of that but one of the reasons why I think I do this is because I still have no friends at all. All people (my age) around my totally different I mean they drink a lot and because I have epilepsy I can not drink at all and go to parties because I would not be able to stay long awake + I kinda dont want to because I have nothing to say to them. People are social beings and I have no friends at all I tried so many times to have them and I was nice to them everything but everytime when we were walking somewhere there was such a quietness and I was the only one who tried to have some conversation I mean I have few good frineds but all of them are to far to just go outside (150km+ away) after school. I have only friend but when It comes to social interaction he is even worse then me and I mean a lot. I tried to help him to get better at this but he is like that. Thing that is not helping is having tons off school things to do. Now because Im not even having time for anything Im again going for dopamine. I was a long time thinking about going to therapist because there are more things I need to adress In my life. Sometimes I wake up in night from really bad nightmare last time I had so bad nightmare than I couldnt sleep for nother 20min. Depression come after even one time I had panic attack when I was coming at morning to school. (thx to Bojack I knew what to do ;) ). Im actually more afraid to go on date than having a relationship with girl. I think I would be amazing boyfrined. I really want someone to share my life with. Maybe the reason why Im also sliping so easy is because of lack of experience because that first 180days were "easy" dont take me wrong Its always hard but I had it "easy" because my motivation and how much I was disgusted by porn was so strong. So i bassicly didnt go through what everyone else go through. If you read this until the end congrats you didnt die from boredom.
     
  2. well, Im almost like you in terms of being social, but does nofap help with hocd, cuz I have been suffering it since August 2019 and its a huge burden. I think of what if I am gay constantly throughout the day and it never stops...
     
  3. I had HOCD but really if i was gay then i would have been bi anyways but i still freaked out everyday so i had to try to find out if i was really gay or not, so i could stop obsessing so i watched gay porn found out very quickly i wasn't gay because it was hard to watch but i wasn't hard and i didn't want to touch myself. but then with just girls like lesbian porn complete opposite effect on me.

    Im not saying ruin your streak that's just the way it went down with me but maybe there other ways of finding out for sure if you are so you can stop obsessing. but you have to find out or else you will obsess.

    also worth to note, HOCD can cause you to have ED to normal porn i.e.(a dude and a girl) because there a dude in it and that causing you anxiety because of the uncertainty and that will put your mind in the wrong places and you will have psychological ED
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 10, 2019
  4. Well, I know that Im straight for several reasons, but my mind cannot comprehend this(
     
  5. i think to obsessing comes from the fear of it being true so you run from it because your afraid because you dont want to accept the fact you might be gay the anxiety around it makes it replay all the time, maybe you need be open and accept that you could be gay in order to find out your not gay deep down.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 10, 2019
  6. lol I have done this recently and it just doesn't work, I mean it kinda works cuz it shows how irrational the fear is, but it doesn't make me free from the gay thoughts
     
  7. each thought you get dont knock it straight away be open to it being true just ask yourself
    • is there any evidence this is true ?
    • does this really mean i am attracted to men?
    you should do this every time you get a gay thought. until you've got the feedback so much consistently that your know deep down on a subconscious level your not.

    instead of the feedback loop your in right now that keeps telling you that your afraid that your gay. you will have a feedback loop that keeps reminding you & reconfirming the facts and most likely the fact is you were never gay you only feared being it and that's why you had the thoughts reoccurring because its fear/axiety
     
  8. This sounds compulsive and this is some sort of analysing, so it wont ease the ocd
     
  9. Equal_exchange

    Equal_exchange Fapstronaut

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    I know that Im not gay for 10000%. I have even evidence to support that. My main point is how I get from being stuck. I know I acomplished a lot but I stopped moving when I reached 180days. Im not actually afraid extremly like my friend I mentioned he doesnt even want to do basic things as is going to a teacher who is on hallway between other students. I was in this stage also but like 2 years ago. Maybe the nother reason why I dont get along with people my age is because I think Im more mature than them. I was at family meeting and my cousin had there his gf (21 and I saw her like 3 times) and we ended up talking together for 2 hours.
     
  10. Equal_exchange

    Equal_exchange Fapstronaut

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    Btw Just look at people who wrote their detailed experience of having HOCD. There you will find a lot things simular
     
  11. well dude thats what I have been doing since the august reading articles about hocd/ gay in denials and shit. I just get these gay thoughts 24/7 non-stop no matter what I do, it never was like this before
     
  12. Equal_exchange

    Equal_exchange Fapstronaut

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    Lets summon this up. Does your gay thoughts are about dicks of other man and thats bassicly only thing you want?
     
  13. what u mean lol?
     
  14. Equal_exchange

    Equal_exchange Fapstronaut

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    So clarify what does your gay thoughts involve.
     
  15. An.Az

    An.Az New Fapstronaut

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    Stay anti dopamine that thing doesn't allow you to leave
     
  16. Nah I am not attracted to men sexually and romantically, I just notice dudes and it makes me think that Im gay
     
  17. what do u mean by that?
     
  18. Equal_exchange

    Equal_exchange Fapstronaut

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    So Its there is solution. Try to have girl friend. Some man realize that they gay after relationship with girl.
     
  19. lol dude are u f*cking serious rn?
     
  20. Y not to go to a gay strip club?
     

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