Devastated...can this be saved?

So sorry to hear you're going through this. Its very similar to my situation with my husband. Porn warps their thinking into being disatisfied with real women. This is not a reflection on you. Don't even think about changing yourself to please him. You're right. It will never be enough, because his brain has been conditioned through porn to only be turned on by porn stars.

If he loves you and wants to be with you, then he should be supporting you. Not running you down and making you feel bad about yourself. As for the escort, you'll never know if he's being honest about it.

You need to decide where to go from here. If you want to stick with him, he needs to commit to giving up pmo. If he isn't willing to do that, tough choices may lie ahead for you.

Just know that you're not alone. There are many of us partners on here, who are all ready to support you. Have a look at some of our journals if you want some insight. Xx

 

Wow........that's a rough ride you're on. I know those feelings so well.... It really has nothing to do with you personally. I wanted to punch my hubby when he first told me that but I get it now! I really hope that your other half decides he wants to stop. Have you shown him this website? It truly is what saved my marriage as it made my husband face the fact that he was addicted. Our stories are in my signature at the bottom.
Until he faces his addiction head on and decides to stop, there's not a lot you can do but if he's got that far, he has to mean it and work flippin hard to rebuild that trust as best he can. If he can't do that, then you have to decide if you want to feel like this for the foreseeable future.

 

My bf is recovering and he has never blamed me only himself.
He never was attracted to you? He wants you to change? F HIM IMO.

 

A couple of times my hubby, kind of jokingly said 'I think I might even have a problem' but that's as far as that went. I 'found out' on three separate occasions and each time, I thought he had stopped emailing women from the time before and each time I found out, I felt worse - your description fits us all. My hubby visited an escort twice, only months after we were married. I only found that little nugget out coz I managed to log in to one of his porn sites and I found messages. I cannot describe how that made me feel. When I tried to explain how it made me feel with him emailing the women, he used to get angry with me, tell me to stop 'going on' and they're only 'friends' he's chatting to. When I showed him this website, I've said in other threads, it took a few days of me keep talking about it but then, after storming off, he had what I call his 'frying pan round the head' moment. From then on, it's been totally different and he's now 95 days clean. I got my son to block hubby's favourite sites directly through the router (I guess I'm lucky in that he didn't go randomly looking for porn; he went on the webcam sites, so it was easy to block specifics) and then he also agreed to having Accountable2You on our devices, which he said has helped immensely.
I hope some of the others on here can give you more helpful advice. You can only put up with so much until you see real effort being put in to fix this.

 

See, for us, it's worked the opposite! Hubby had already been blocked by our router but I was still feeling really uneasy every time I heard him typing away - wondering who he was chatting to. I mentioned the A2Y and he agreed - as by then he wasn't doing anything anyway but just to give me peace of mind. I love it. I don't really feel the need to monitor his activity. If he does go on anything dodgy (we've tested with Ann Summers and even this website, depending on which thread he looks at), I get a text or email to let me know. Every morning when I wake up, there is the 24 hr report too, which always has zero on it. It makes me feel so much more relaxed.
Hubby also told his son and daughter about his problem, so they now ask how he's doing too.
I guess if you don't like the accountability, you'll have to go with blockers. I can't remember if Covenant Eyes is a blocker or not but that's another one that's mentioned on here.

 

OMG.

You girl will need to think about taking care of yourself. No boyfriend/husband, lover, etc CAN tell the lady that she is not attractive to him. This is cruel. He's not worth your love.
I know, easier said than done. My wife was like a wounded animal when I started dating her...she was brought down like that by previous dick husband. Lots of damage. I always loved her and her body. Ok I've been a PMO addict myself..so I'm not all rosy..but the goal in the relationship is to take care of your SO...

Take care. Take a deep breath, but don't let anyone on this planet bringing you down. Not only its not cool, its also freakin brutal. He's NOT marriage material...

 

A porn addiction is one thing. I for one was lonely before I met my wife. I turned to porn as a band aid temporary solution. Problem was I could not stop viewing even after meeting my wife and having real sex. Although my wife has no idea, I believe that I am still a good person. I am going to stop using porn once and for all for me and my family.

But I am attracted to my wife. I have never cheated on her. Your partner tried to pay somebody to have sex with him. He prefers to pay a prostitute rather than to have sex with you and he actually told you that. This is a horrible insult to you.

You cannot marry this person. Marriage is forever. You deserve to be loved and you deserve to enjoy sexual intimacy with a nice guy. Your man should make you feel sexy, kiss you, hold you and make feel like a sexy woman. This guy fails on all cylinders. Do you really want to raise a family with this selfish clod? What will your children think of you and how will they gain a sense of self confidence when they watch their mother in a relationship totally lacking in any sense of intimacy?

There is somebody out there who is going to treat you as you deserve to be treated, both emotionally and physically. If you keep waiting around with this guy, somebody else will find your ideal man before you find him.

I wish you well.

 

I have to agree with @Veritech

It is hard for me to believe that this man really cares about you. If he does somehow deep inside care for you, he has some major fear of intimacy/trust issues that are causing him to hurt you. He will not change as long as you let him do this to you. I think you need to move on for yourself and for him.
All the best.

 

Anything is possible girl. If he commits to stop and stays clean he could totally change.
My boyfriend and I are doing amazing and our sex life now is freaking awesome.
Dec 7th 2015 I found pictures of him cross dressed, a video of him with a dildo, countless messages of him talking to men about hooking up, pictures of girls sending him texts... It was fucking nuts and if you told me before everything I found out about PMO if I would have stayed with him I'd say SHIT NO WAY.
But love is strong. He has changed. But he hit rock bottom and hated himself and only knew he loved me more than anyone he had ever been with.
So, who knows what can happen. He has to commit.

 

You're welcome. It is hard and you feel like you're losing your mind. We're here if you need us.

 

@Trying4love
Good for you. I think what I was really trying to convey is that you are not "stuck" in this relationship. The fact that you have accepted that you can move on if needed and have let him know that you will if things do not change will only help you both.
I think you both have to be honest about needs, wants, and feelings for it to work, even if it is hard to share.

All the best.

 

I read your long post. Although you feel bad for Snazzy, what about your needs and desires?

I don't buy your medication analogy. Medication is just opening your mouth and swallowing. Recovering from addiction is hard work and effort.

I also don't understand why you are settling for Snazzy. You also use the phrase that you hope that Snazzy will be attracted to you or attracted enough. You want a guy who is proud to have you on his arm, not somebody who alleges that you are mediocre at best.

Based on your earlier post, I also don't buy that the crying was sincere. Crying is likely a ploy to guilt you. I don't want to imply anything, but the worst domestic abusers are crying men. After they have punched their girlfriend, they feel guilty, cry, say it won't happen again and buy flowers. After being forgiven, the guy punches his girlfriend again. He cries again until forgiven. He abuses again.

"He was so sincere after he grabbed my hair and threw my face into the wall".
"He was so nice to me after berating me in front of my friends".

I don't think you should "settle" for any guy. You deserve a guy who is attracted to you without preconditions. I don't think that Snazzy loves or values you the same way you love and value him.

Again, if it was just a porn addiction that would be one thing.

You deserve love. You deserve intimacy. Snazzy has his own issues he needs to deal with. His problems should not cost you your own health and well-being.

If you do choose to stay with Snazzy for the time being:
1) You both need intensive couples counselling; and
2) Do not intermingle any money - no joint credit cards, bank accounts and never loan him any money.

 

There certainly has been some very strong opinions on the subject. While Snazzy has shown himself to be a (fill-in-the-blank)... were any of us any less of a (fill-in-the-blank) when we started our recovery? Far be it for any of us to make a decision for you. But some of the most horrible things he's done is recent and also involves potential infidelity. That's scary.

Snazzy needs to commit himself to the recovery process 100%. He can't do this halfway. Often we have to hit rock-bottom in order to change. Has he hit rock bottom? Are you protecting him from hitting rock bottom? If he knows you are committed to staying no matter what then he will take the inch you give him and turn it into a mile. Perhaps a middle ground is to put him in a 'probation period.' If he feels that you might walk out the door if he relapses then he can use that as one of his many motivators to get well. And it will give you a safer emotional space to be. You cannot stay with him long term and expect happiness if he refuses to change. And he may not come out of this process the kind of person you imagine him to be. Place conditions and tell him your expectations.

This process he has to go through will change many fundamental parts of himself. It's much more than abstaining from porn. It's learning how to act, think, interact, cope, and live like a human being. It's a long journey. Part of that process must involve making amends for hurting those around them. He must make this up to you. I'm not sure if he can because he said some very hurtful things that you may never get out of your head. But it is HIS responsibility to try. It's his responsibility to be trustworthy. It's his responsibility to WANT to get better. It's his responsibility to make you feel loved and appreciated.

Putting him into a probationary state will also give you back some of the power in the relationship. Right now, he controls what he does and how you feel. You have become a subordinate in this relationship. You are receiving the emotional crumbs. You are chained to the good qualities that he possesses, but you cannot ignore all the bad stuff he's doing. It amounts to emotional abuse and if you let it continue then you are allowing it to happen. Take back some of the power and make him afraid that you might leave.

If you believe there's a chance for him to get better and you're willing to risk giving him another chance then we can support you. You can pour out your frustrations here. Even when an addict is doing well the SO can still have emotionally bad days. But don't be naive and allow him to take advantage of your forgiveness. Don't allow him to deceive you. Addicts become very good at manipulating people around them.

One last thing... don't let him connect his recovery to you working on yourself. He must get better because it's the right thing to do. It's not a negotiation. He may justify his behavior and blame you for not making progress on your issues.

There are success stories, but only those who commit their whole self to the process actually get better. Don't let him destroy your life if he can't get his life in order.