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Devastated...can this be saved?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Trying4love, Mar 1, 2016.

  1. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

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    I think what did make us react the most was Snazzy's statement that he didn't find Tryin4Love attractive. You DON'T say that. Especially when you know the lady has outstanding self-esteem issues. It is destructive. Settling for Snazzy not, what is it? Is Snazzy the last man on the planet?
    I agree with Veritech...maybe is crying is fake and empty. Maybe its not. We're not therapists.
    I just wish Trying4Love the best. A good, honest and safe relationship with a man, that will make her feel supported and desired. Whether that will come from Snazzy or not is unknown to me.

    And yes i_wanna_get_better1 us PMO'ers have been jerks too.
     
  2. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    TheWife, Mj1064, DireMerl and 2 others like this.
  3. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

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    13 years ago, when I first found out about my husbands PMO issues, he felt so bad that he cried about it. He had never cried before, despite the fact that we'd been married for several years at that point. The moment was so raw and the pain he was showing really shook me to my core. Seeing his pain made me really trust his resolve to change his ways.

    However, he wasn't in fact READY to change at that point.
    He wanted to. I really believe he did. He wasn't lying. But in truth, he hadn't yet hit rock bottom. He resented having to change. And his resolve, as I found out only recently, lasted only a couple of weeks. Then he went right back to his old ways.

    The crying was real. The pain was real. He wasn't trying to be manipulative. But because he hadn't yet hit rock bottom, he wasn't really ready and desperate to change. So in the end, he didn't.
     
  4. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    Bf hit rock bottom here too. I said you have to stop or it's over. He was flabbergasted I even gave him the chance to stop and get better.
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2016
    Mj1064 and WifeInTheDark like this.
  5. Trying4love

    Trying4love Fapstronaut

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    Wow- there has been a lot said here since my last post...and I appreciate every bit of it! Honestly, I'm not sure what to write at the moment as I am still processing the past few days and all of the ideas shared here. However, I will post a few "facts" since those I don't have to have thought about to put onto paper...
    ---
    1) I can assure this is NOT abuse and Snazzy is NOT abusive. I am a trained mental health professional who works with victims and perpetrators of abuse, I'm aware of the cycle. This isn't it. Some may choose to see it as possibly borderline emotionally abusive...but characterizing it as anything beyond that would be an overreaction. That said- I am very appreciative that people on this forum understand the abuse cycle and keep their eyes open for it on here :)

    2) Your words and stories have really helped me in trying to formulate my own during conversations with Snazzy, friends, and myself. I am now confident that this is HIS issue. I have a self-esteem issue...that one is mine. I need to work on that. For me. It sucks that his issue triggers my issue...but it is STILL his issue. Thanks for reminding me of that and helping me be more resolved in standing by that belief.

    3) I don't know if Snazzy has hit rock bottom OR 100% committed...but he is taking steps beyond just crying. Last night he blocked porn/internet access on anything he could think of and made me the admin/password/pin holder. We're talking full parental control/internet shutdown on everything from his gaming system to his smart tv to his tablets and computers. He offered to give me his email password so that could be monitored also (I declined). He even surrendered his DVDs that I didn't know he had. I asked him if he wanted me to keep them or throw them away...he wanted them trashed. He asked me to block several troublesome apps on his phone that I know he used for non-porn things, but I guess he prioritized the need to remove porn access over using the apps at all.

    4) We are stuck about trying to find an accountability partner to help with monitoring the porn-blocker data (sites, messages, calls). I can't do it...it's making me obsessional and anxious all day every day. I don't like the idea of his female friend doing it because it seems like a burden and very personal. The fact that whoever takes on this role can read ALL his messages...including the ones between us...is a big barrier. Letting someone into our relationship that way feels far too intimate. He has a brother whom I suggested, but he doesn't think he will actually help and honestly, I don't know if I trust him to tell me if Snazzy screws up. So....we're at a stalemate :-/
    ---
    To be continued...
     
  6. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

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    That sounds like a great talk......... a bit of break through. Now stick with the courage of your convictions and make him show you how much he wants this. Most of all.............keep talking.
     
    Rav70 and Trying4love like this.
  7. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    That is great news @Trying4love.

    It sounds like he has accepted this is a problem and is making step to start his recovery.

    With regards to an accountability partner, have you considered finding one here? Alternatively, you could try a monitoring software like accountable2you which will send you a report on any questionable activity so you don't need to monitor his every move.

    I wish you both the best.
     
    Gamerwife85, Rav70 and Mj1064 like this.
  8. Veritech

    Veritech Fapstronaut

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    I am relieved to know that you are not being domestically abused. I have zero tolerance for that - both physical and psychological.

    I sounds like Snazzy has discovered his inner self and is taking responsibility. Just make sure that in about weeks time, his breakdown is being followed by action, not just rhetoric.

    Remember that the saying "Stand by Your Man" is not all encompassing. Snazzy is very fortunate to have someone who will stand by him and actively help him sort out his issues. If Snazzy is serious with respect to recovery, he should come realize this.
     
    Gamerwife85 likes this.
  9. Trying4love

    Trying4love Fapstronaut

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    Thanks everyone. I am hopeful that Snazzy has turned some sort of corner (down which road remains to be seen)...

    Yesterday he did some research (all of his own accord!) and decided to order a book about overcoming porn addiction. He got us both a copy so we can learn more about this together and hopefully enrich our discussions on the topic.

    He also has begun to question if his drinking habits play a role in with his porn use, his feelings about me, his emotional numbness to some of this situation, or all of the above. I am not sure where his thoughts will ultimately go with this but I am encouraged by the fact that he is being self-reflective enough to even consider a link. As I told him, this is a good step in showing me his commitment and in rebuilding trust. Many more steps lie ahead...but the few we've taken forward over the past few days leaves me cautiously optimistic.
     
    Gamerwife85, Mj1064 and WifeInTheDark like this.
  10. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

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    What's the name of the book?
     
  11. Trying4love

    Trying4love Fapstronaut

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    Porn Nation...I think?

    I didn't look into it much myself- trying to trust his judgement. Just willing to read it with him and working on being supportive.
     
  12. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

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  13. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    That's great. He's really showing that he intends to change. Best of luck. Keep us updated over the next few weeks xx
     
  14. Trying4love

    Trying4love Fapstronaut

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    Sorry I haven't posted much. It has kind of been a confusing, emotional whirlwind over the past 2 weeks and I haven't had much time to sit down and type it all out. I will try to post an update in the next few days....
     
  15. Trying4love

    Trying4love Fapstronaut

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    Before I post anything further (although this may be a clue of what's coming with an update)....is their anyway to block specific members from following this thread (or any others I create)?
     
  16. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

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    Yes, you can block anyone. I think if you go to anyone's profile and click on 'ignore'. I did it by accident once to my husband and I couldn't see his stuff anymore.
     
    WifeInTheDark likes this.
  17. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

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    His drinking habit may play a role. Is he drinking by himself? If so, he's spending some time at the computer, impaired (possibility to lose control)? I know that to stop PMO'ing, you need to work to reach the "flatline land". The interest for the computer should fall a little bit without access to porn. More time with the better half should be spent. More time with better half means less drinking? I think so. The PMO'er trying to quit HAS to spend less time in front of "Pornstargate SG-xxx" (the computer)....spending time with the SO to chat, watch a show together, getting busy...

    I have to monitor my alcohol consumption, because I used to PMO until the early morning in the week-ends, go to bed at 3 am, wake up the next day at noon, hungover, sometimes feeling anxious, but recovering with dopamine! It worked everytime! Watching porn was helping me feeling normal, not guilty of the drinking, not guilty of anything, until I was ready to have a few drinks again. PMO was a complement to my other bad habit, liking to drink.
     
    Gamerwife85 and Rav70 like this.
  18. Trying4love

    Trying4love Fapstronaut

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    I wouldn’t call this an update, but here goes a post none the less….

    I’ve really been wanting to update my post here on nofap…but I can’t. Whenever I think about updating the post… the task feels like too much. I feel too busy. I feel like there is no time to write out my feelings. And yea, I have objectively been busy with work (a welcome distraction) …but I’ve had downtime. I’ve had lunch break or client cancellations.


    Although I’ve been reaching out more to girlfriends recently, I do genuinely feel the pull for the unique support and perspective all of you can provide. But if I am honest with myself, I also feel like updating this post is an obligation. Another to-do list item demanding my attention but part of the frustrating mundane-ness of adulthood. I want to….but I also don’t want to all at the same damn time. Does that even make any sense!??!


    I can’t help but feel like I am just making excuses about sitting down and writing an update posts... but if that is true, I genuinely don’t know what it is that I am actually avoiding by making excuses!


    So…. yea. A whole lot of words that don’t really say much other than I’m confused, struggling, and really in my own head right now. o_O
     
    WifeInTheDark and TheWife like this.
  19. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Sometimes I find writing here helps me work through the thoughts in my head. I can process them and it leaves me feeling a bit better. It is also great to have the insights from the kind folk here. They can help provide feedback and support.

    Stop giving yourself a hard time. It is okay to be confused or to make excuses not to write here. We're not going to ground you for not updating. ;)

    Take care and if you need to ramble at anytime, we're here.
     
  20. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

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    My husband is almost at 90 days PMO-free. But I also don't feel like I want to update our progress much on here. The whole process is so emotionally draining. I also kinda don't want to jinx it. I'm happy with the progress we've made in our relationship but we still have so very far to go. I don't want to appear to be the poster child for 'success' when behind the scenes we still struggle in a lot of areas.

    This process has been so much harder than I anticipated. But we've both grown a lot because of it.

    I don't know what the future holds for us. All I know is that it's better than it was. I really hope that it's going to keep improving.
     
    Rav70, Gamerwife85 and Trying4love like this.

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