Devastated...can this be saved?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Trying4love, Mar 1, 2016.

  1. Trying4love

    Trying4love Fapstronaut

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    Well now I guess an update doesn't really matter. The answer to the thread topic is a resounding NO!

    We ended our relationship tonight after deciding to take a month long break with no contact between us. Despite my feelings on the subject, @snazzy refused to abstain from sleeping with prostitutes and exploring some sick objectification ideas around women/money power. He was expected to remain emotionally monogamous but apparently that was controlling of me to ask and (supposedly) starting to date girls from his work (mind you- ones he's mocked for hitting on him in the past)

    Honestly- this is the BEST thing that could have happened to me! I wasted so much time and energy trying to be supportive and the kind of partner I felt I should be. It's nice to think I can start devoting that to someone who actually deserves and appreciates it! Just grateful I dodged a bullet before it got so much worse. Thank god we never set up legal or financial ties to each other! Could you imagine?!?

    Sadly, Snazzy is in full blown denial. Seems to have forgotten everything in his original thread but that's not my problem anymore. He spent the past month watching porn, sleeping with hookers, and breaking the few simple rules of fidelity we had established for the break. And apparently since he was able to PMO and O from sex with these women he's now convinced the porn addiction isn't a real issue for him and some version of me trying to control his life. *eye roll*

    It's sad. Heartbreaking really. So much potential wasted by the sinister and conniving grip of addiction. Clearly he hasn't hit his rock bottom, but considering he just lost the one women he himself said was the only one he ever believed truly loved him, I'd say he's on the road to nowhere fast. I'm just relieved I was able to get out before he dragged me down with him. His plummeting course to the bottom is now some other girl's problem!

    I want to thank each of you for your support at a time I really needed it. I should have kept up with this thread more but can't change the past. I sincerely wish you all the best of luck with your own struggles and addiction impacted relationships. I think because you all show motivation and acceptance of your personal/partner's struggles you will do just fine! So I guess we can consider this a cautionary tale of the dangers of denial and wavering commitment to recovery.
     
  2. On one side I feel sorry for you, on the other one I know some girls that have poor tastes for men(I wish that there were less than I think there are), and from what you wrote and what happened you may be one of them(no offence really). You have to look at what happened with different eyes, you may think that you are the victim here, but the victim of who? We control our destiny and we choose who to meet and who to love, the real challenge is to deeply understand a person. I do not have that much experience and so I think that to have a relationship like that is not easy, and probably you make more mystakes than you want to admit, but we have to improve ourself and control our emotions aswell. I hope that this will be an useful experience for your future, and that you will try to evaluate the next possible partner better. I think that you have to work on your self-esteem, because this man did some very bad and wrong things to you, and I am sure that you do not want this to happen again(fuck people that treat you bad, you do not deserve that). Goodluck with your future and I hope that you improve yourself(because I think that everyone should do it, not because only you should do it) and meet the one that really deserves your love(there are so many good single guys out there). Peace.
    AVE
     
  3. Trying4love

    Trying4love Fapstronaut

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    I honestly don't disagree with you. Snazzy was brought into my life and while it may be for lessons other than what I had thought- he and our relationship will help me grow. I will not only be a better woman but a better partner for the next man who I chose to give my heart to. I will just be much more discerning about what it takes to deserve that honor in the future.

    I'd like to hope this is a growth opportunity for Snazzy as well- since I don't hold (much) ill will towards him. But sadly, I am not optimistic he will seize this opportunity since that has never been a strength of his. But thanks for reminding me that I too have areas to grow and examine...rest assured I will continue to do the work I need to do to move on and thrive.
     
  4. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I wish you all the best. You deserve love and happiness. Go find it...
     
  5. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

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    Good for you!
    Snazzy is an addicted fux. He can have his hoes, but you deserve much better. Screw him. He's living his coolidge effect with real women. Much worse than wanking to P.
     
  6. Trying4love

    Trying4love Fapstronaut

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    Sorry forgive my ignorance but Coolidge Effect?
     
  7. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    Always wanting different and more...
    He doesn't understand the reason he can o is because it's new and exciting. If he started a relationship with one of those women he'd be back in the same boat.
    Hope Snazzy enjoys his meaningful relationships with hookers.
    You go live a good life and be happy.
     
  8. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

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  9. Trying4love

    Trying4love Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for clarifying! As soon as I read your explanations it was like "duh!"...I think in my training and research in the field of sexuality this was a familiar topic but wasn't always referred to by that name. I think it's a biological studies term that is now starting to permeate the world of psychology/sex science more.

    Kinda ironic (in a cruelty of the universe kinda way) that during my education, for several years I did porn-related research and used porn in various studies of human sexuality. Worked at the infamous Kinsey Institute and everything! For example, we looked at the impact of recreational "little blue pill" use on fertility as well as risk taking by hooking men to machines and exposing them to variety of porn clips. God- If only I/we knew then what we know about it now!

    Part of me can't help but wonder if going through all this is somehow karmically linked to that time in my life....
     
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  10. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    You should learn all you can and be a PIED therapist. There's a lack of knowledge out there.
     
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  11. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

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    I'm curious about the bolded part of your speech. Without the triggers, what was the goal of that experiment and also the conclusions?
     
  12. Trying4love

    Trying4love Fapstronaut

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    Well HOPEFULLY none of what is below is triggers (not been on this site enough to feel like i know all the boundaries....:()...I'll try to be as science-y as possible though! :p
    ---
    Well this is actually more of a methodology of studying the psychophysiology of sexuality/attraction/arousal than it is a specific experiment. Essentially, you measure blood flow and....penile excitement...based on a variety of stimuli. In our case, porn was used strategically based on whatever the specific study being conducted was about. The specific name of this technology is called a "Penile Plethysmograph" and there is a comparable (but differently structured) female version as well; in case anyone is particularly nerdy and interested lol

    A good example of the kinda of study conducted with this technology: Hooked up people to the machines and showed a variety of short P clips intentionally selected to range from very tame "vanilla" and/or "soft" stuff to much harder and even some that cross VERY taboo or even illegal lines. Then we would have people rate their level of "sexual arousal" and "interest" in the topic using a participant controlled graphing device during the viewing. Next they'd have to answer face to face interviewer questions about these things following the viewing. We'd also obviously have their biological data during viewing. Essentially the goal of the study was to look at all of this data (and some other collected in more neutral settings) to formulate some conclusions about self-reported interest and arousal vs. actual levels and the role of social stigma/societal norms on these correlations. If that makes any sense...

    It's been a while and this particular one wasn't my study specifically (though I was on the research team), so i don't remember all the conclusions. However, I think as you might expect, I recall finding that social pressure/norms and impression management played a big role in self-report info. Also, we had very clear evidence that regardless of the social stuff, people were often VERY inaccurate in rating their own subjective experience of arousal. Men were somewhat better than women, but not by as much as you might think.
     
  13. Trying4love

    Trying4love Fapstronaut

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    Not a bad idea...once the whole subject isn't such a triggering/sore spot for me of course :(
     
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  14. Nom De Plume

    Nom De Plume Fapstronaut

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    I just read through your thread. I know it's hard but I'm glad you got out of that relationship. Much better to have some pain now but be free than to suffer in a relationship like that for years to come. I'm happy for you, you seem pretty together and I bet you'll do great.
    Nom
     

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