Did I do something wrong?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by OntheSurf4ce, Jan 5, 2018.

  1. OntheSurf4ce

    OntheSurf4ce Fapstronaut

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    Hey All, I'm going to try and keep this as short as possible. I relapsed again this morning at 2:00am and i'm going to tell you why, because I feel like a huge part of this situation was my fault and maybe I overreacted. You may see that my actions may be hypocritical, but i am just looking for advice.

    So, my fiancee and I are getting married in 4 months and i'm trying my damndest to make sure I'm faithful to her by not using P or M to cheat on her.

    Long story short, she bought me a Christmas gift over the holidays from Amazon, and unfortunately it didn't fit, so we had to return it. I was logged into the Amazon account and had to email the shipping labels to her email address and she wasn't available because she was working. So, I guessed her password and got it right, and got the shipping labels. However, when I was in there, I saw an email thread between her and an ex boyfriend of hers. Nothing really major there, but the thread has been going on for a while, so I read through the whole thing. Nothing really stuck out at me except a portion of the thread that took place 3 days before her and I met for the first time. We had been talking for a few weeks before our first date, and that's the most important part. Basically, the email thread was them planning on having sex. And after reading through it all, I saw that they did indeed have sex. They had sex 3 days before our first date. The worst part is that during that time before we met, we had talked on the phone every day for hours, and the worst part is she had mentioned to me she hadn't been seeing anyone for months and months. After reading this yesterday, I felt betrayed and lied to, which is ironic because I also betrayed her trust by reading through her emails.

    So, I told her about what I did and I confronted her about her romp with her ex 3 days before our first date. She got all emotional and basically told me that she was emotionally unstable at that point in her life and she wasn't sure that our relationship was going to blossom as it has. I made the point that she should have been more optimistic and trusting of what I had promised her on the phone when we talked, but instead just decided to have sex w/ her ex just 3 days before we met.

    So, we fought, and i couldn't sleep. Didn't fall asleep until 3am. But before I did, I felt so emotionally distraught that I sought a release. And that led me to PMO again last night. I slept on the couch, and since i couldn't sleep. I PMO'd for a release. Finally moments later, I fell asleep.

    We talked this morning and everything was talked out, but part of me still feels so betrayed. She has every right to be mad at me too as I broke her trust too. I just feel like our relationship started off on a lie. She told me that she promises me that nothing else ever happened between them after our first date. The worst part is that she still talks to him on a friendly basis. (Hi how are you? I'm good! etc...) I told her I wished that she'd stop because i dont' like that. She said that that part of her life is over and she apologized.

    I just dont' know how else to feel. Thoughts? Suggestions? Should i Just leave it alone?
     
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Well, you relapsed.... To get back at her.. Which was wrong.
    And it was wrong because before you declared the boundaries of exclusiveness in relationship Who she talked to or who she slept with is not your business.
    Until that line is drawn, and only then It's After that is where you have absolute say in it because that's the fence of YOUR relationship.
    Before it was her by herself and you Did Not control her life.

    And yes, she lied to you... But your addiction was also a lie.
    This is where boundaries come into play.
    And transparency.
    And defining what both of you wwant.
     
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  3. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    While yes it hurts and you feel betrayed, you can't hold her responsibile for events that happened before you two met. That is simply unfair.

    I am curious what was the fight about really. Was it over her guilt and shame, her breach or trust, defensiveness by her getting caught in a lie or was it because of your emotions, feeling betrayed, your discust over sharing your intimacy with another dude, your insecurities or some other personal issues you both left unsaid.

    I sure hope you can get over the resentment, it is no way to start a marriage.

    Blessed of luck.
     
  4. Rob_B_

    Rob_B_ Fapstronaut

    "Did [you] do something wrong?" (is the title of your thread) - well, let's see...
    • You read your fiancee's private correspondence. :emoji_ballot_box_with_check:
    • You decided that the appropriate response was to PMO (what - as 'revenge'?). :emoji_ballot_box_with_check:
    • You're upset because she had sex with her then-BF before she even met you.:emoji_ballot_box_with_check:

    So yeah, I think you kind of dropped the ball on this one, just a bit.

    The way I see it, even if your fiancee had sex with her then-BF three days after you had first met, in my book that's hardly a capital offence. (My now-wife did exactly that when we first started dating, and I could hardly hold it against her - and I'm a jealous sort of guy.) As long as there was no understanding of mutual exclusivity between you, you can't exactly blame her for it.

    Maybe you didn't want to hear that, but that's how I see it, nevertheless.

    Far be it from me to tell others what to do when I can barely keep my own crap together, but if I were in your shoes, I'd go to her and beg for forgiveness. Put it all out there, your jealousy, your insecurities, your feelings of inadequacy, whatever it might be that led you to behave like this. And then hope that she still loves you despite your shortcomings.
     
  5. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    Hi,
    I’m trying to figure out how to respond to this. This is how I would see it just going from your post.
    From what I gather is you two were not in a relationship at that point and it sounds like she wasn’t “seeing” her ex or anyone. You stated you two hadn’t even met yet and the reality is if she had a one off fix with her ex it wouldn’t even be anyone’s business anyway to me that’s like asking how many people she had been with before you then to get angry if you didn’t like the answer.
    There were no commitments, no relationship and not even dating at that point. My first thought is (forgive me if I’m wrong) you are trying hard to not PM or cheat as you stated so it kinda read like it’s a projection onto her. I felt like you are looking for a reason to be angry at her and to justify your actions.
    What matters is she held true after you two had her first date, when the two of actually started to date and really that’s what matters most. So to be angry at her for anything before your relationship is in my opinion a bit of reach and unfair to her.
    Please let me know if I’m wrong but I would say to let it go and apologize to her. I see it as she doesn’t owe you anything about that as you two were only beginning conversation to see if you even wanted to meet for the first time.
     
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  6. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    I agree with those who've posted above. In all honesty, I am not better than your fiance then. When my husband and I met, it was unexpected, and I was expecting to meet a former one night stand (and if he was single I was hoping we would have sex again, but that was prior to me even meeting my husband) the third day after we'd met. My husband at the time, we ran into each other while I was with this other guy. My husband loved him when we all met up, but once we were together and I was honest about who that person was he was pissed.

    Another incident was that my husband and I were hanging out, a week into meeting each other, I wasn't sure it was going anywhere and I was still thinking I was going to Tampa in the fall. I was planning on staying at a guy friend of mines house as a place to rest since I'd be driving from CT to FL. While my husband and I were hanging out at this club his mom was a member at, and we were hanging out with her playing pool, I was in the middle of a text thread with that friend and he asked if anything was going to happen between us and I said that if I the guy I'd recently met turned into a relationship then no, but if I was single we would see. I can't remember when I told my husband about that conversation, I think when that friend by accidently sent me a pic of him in his boxers flexing. But still my husband felt all, "why didn't you tell me?" my response was "Because we weren't together at that point and I honestly didn't think we would end up in a relationship." Ironic we are married now. My husband was pissed about that too, but, I reminded him we'd just met, we weren't committed to each other, hell we hadn't even been on an official formal date.

    So as other's have said you guys weren't bf/gf so what she was doing with another person wasn't your business. I do understand though the pain of knowing. I know if I reversed roles with my husband I'd be hurt, but again, we weren't committed yet.

    It seems that you felt hurt and betrayed and for some reason used PMO to cope. If I were you I would defintely apologize and I would journal about what happened, as in in a hard journal, write out what the emails made you felt, why you ended up using instead of using other coping mechanisms. Maybe you can see the point in time where you were vulnerable to relapse so that in the future you can identify that key moment and make a different choice. Also, writing out alternate coping skills would be good if you don't have that yet.
     
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  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    In thinking more about this, because I feel like everyone is just reiterating what I said... Which is fine.
    I thought I'd give you some relation.

    But here's a example... Of my own life.

    My SO was seeing a girl or two when we started dating, which was not exclusive.
    Because all dating begins this way.

    And I heard, not from him, but from other mutual friends.
    I was like, well...what can do?
    We aren't exclusive yet.

    But me and one of the girls he had had a date or two with... Had ended up at a wedding me and him were (currently) on a date at.
    She was Shocked he turned up.
    Let alone with a date.
    So in a group setting, she proceeded to try to tell me all about the parties that they had attended... And how they passed out drunk together..
    (They never slept together...she was eluding it)
    But ooh naked.
    I'm listening to this surrounded by their families.
    Grandpa's walking by in the walker...
    And for the first time, his best friend.
    Who I had Just met.
    I was like, "OK."
    His best friend took me aside later and said "holy shit every other chick I've ever met would have flipped her shit hearing a story like that"
    ..... I bet.
    But, we weren't exclusive.
    What can I do?
    I listened to her.
    I told her she was funny.
    For all I know he would leave me at the wedding and go home with the other girl.
    Turns out, she was mad he was ignoring her.

    As long as it's before, it doesn't count.

    Later when we talked about sexual history I learned she wasn't apart of it.
    But that's because of how we wanted our relationship.
    We wanted certain details, on both sides.

    But... I have never given him crap about this.
    Ever.
    Even when we occasionally see her, years later at different events.
    I just never bring it up.
    Why?
    Because it doesn't matter.
    It was before US.
    He after hearing about it from his best friend tho, did delete her number out of respect to me.
     
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  8. OntheSurf4ce

    OntheSurf4ce Fapstronaut

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    Hey all. Thanks so much for the responses. I'm going to try and give a little more information. A part that I had left out was that my fiancee and I met on Match.com. We had met in the beginning of October that year and talked for a few weeks via text and phone calls. We laid out what we were both looking for in a relationship and that we were both looking for a committed relationship in hopes of finding love, getting married and having kids. At first it started slow for the first week, but then weeks 2 and 3 we talked non stop on the phone. We had talked on October 18th and set a date to have our first date on October 23rd, which we did. Her and her ex were emailing on October 18th and 19th planning to have sex that night on the 20th, which they did. Now, the part that I guess I don't understand, because I just don't look at life this way is that, if someone is on a dating site looking for a committed relationship and have been talking to one person and only one person and things were going great and planned a date that was set in stone, WHY on earth would you plan a date with a potential boyfriend, and then turn around have sex with your ex 2 days after you had just planned a date? I don't get it. In my opinion, I would have never done that. I was way too excited to go on a date with her to even think about another girl at that moment in time. Now, I can completely understand if we had gone on the first date, and it didn't go well and we never talked again, then why not. The thing I also don't get is why would she have sex with her ex, who she claims to this day treated her like absolute shit for 7 years. Constantly cheated on her, dumped her, got back together with her again, cheated on her again. What if he had given her an STD? He didn't, but that is my mentality. The fact that her and I had sex 2 weeks after our first date, which was only 17 days after they had sex last. I guess my mentality is just a bit different. I guess i see it differently from her. I had been talking to her for weeks and we had a SET date for a first date. I was WAY too excited to meet her to think about anyone else. Another thing is that 2 days AFTER our first date, we had set plans for a second date on that Wednesday. I found an email dated that same day AFTER we had made plans for a second date, where she invited him over again to have another romp. (Luckily he didn't respond to that email until 3 days later after I asked her to be my girlfriend.) But when she talked to me on that tuesday night, she couldn't stop telling me how excited she was to see me again and that our first date was the best date she ever had and could definitely not wait to see me again. That again, to most people may not seem important, because no boundaries were discussed. But boundaries were discussed that tuesday when we planned our second date. That Wednesday after our first date I asked her to be my girlfriend, and she said yes, and luckily there were no more emails between them two discussing sex. Even though her ex had tried to initiate the conversations in that direction via the email thread multiple times. The thing is she still continued to flirt with him 1 month into our relationship and agree to meet up with him for lunch. They never did. After we got engaged she even went as far as saying "should I invite you to the wedding? ;)" Like what the hell is that? I brought that up to her too and she said she was just joking about it to make him feel uncomfortable. What made me the most upset is the fact that she still talks to him on a friendly basis to this day. In my opinion, if you're still talking to an ex, there is huge potential for feelings to linger. And even though she never cheated on me, I don't believe that type of relationship is healthy with an ex.

    @Kenzi - I completely understand where you're coming from. I went behind her back and made her trust lessened in me. My fiancee is aware of my addiction, and I told her about my relapse last night during our conversation this morning. She has been my accountability partner since the beginning of my nofap journey, so honestly there isn't really a lie in that regards. But again there is, because I suffered from PA for the first 5 months of our relationship, so I definitely see your point. I also agree with what you said about what she did before we officially started dating is none of my business. You're right. But my emotions say otherwise unfortunately, and I think that's going to be the hardest part of this is to see that I was more at fault for invading her privacy. I dug down the rabbit hole and I shouldn't have.

    @Rob_B_ - Ouch...it does hurt to hear that, but nevertheless, you're right...i literally have no rebuttal to that. I did drop the ball.

    The fight was probably a mixture of my guilt of invading her privacy and the feeling of hurt feelings. I don't control who she wants to talk to, and i never will, but in this circumstance, I would prefer her to not ever speak to an ex boyfriend of 7 years again, especially when they continued to flirt with each other 1 month into our COMMITTED relationship, where boundaries were discussed. I also got upset because she seems comfortable sending him our engagement pictures and pictures of our pets and stuff. The thing is with me, I don't ever speak to Ex's. And that's probably because my past 2 relationships have ended with me being cheated on, which is where a lot of of these pent up feelings come from. When I saw all of these communications, I just saw red and thought to myself, "i can't have this happen again." She got upset at me because i breached her email, which was 100% wrong of me and i understand that. At first she tried to lie to me and say that it never happened, but once I told her i saw her email, she just pushed everything back on me. Part of me feels betrayed, but I can't say for sure that it's warranted because I definitely betrayed her by looking through her emails. Also, during our relationship, she has never given me one reason to question her faithfulness to me. The thing is, neither did my past 2 ex's. They were great liars and that's what i thought at first when i saw all of these emails. Part of me feels disgusted too because she slept with her ex and then our first date was 2 days later. And then she still emailed him the next day telling him to come over again for more sex, even though her and I had agreed on a second date. a lot of this is probably my own insecurities or PTSD from past relationships. It wouldn't be fair for me to bring those up, but sometimes it's so damn hard to stop emotions. Honestly, our relationship is fantastic. Our sex is great. It wasn't until this fight where i have never felt more hurt in this whole relationship, but then again, I don't know or think I have a reason to judge her for this. It's a very emotional double edged sword for me and my severe anxiety I suffer from.

    @AnonymousAnnaXOXO - I completely understand where you're coming from. I believe it's the pain of knowing. Which is completely my fault for digging down a rabbit whole I had no permission to dig down. I just guess i'm also hurt because she still talks to him on a friendly basis. I am a jealous type, and she knows this, so I don't know why she would continue to do it. Especially since they used to date. The truth is she told me that she still talks to him, and I knew. But when I found out that she slept with him and still flirted w/ him during our initial period, that changed my whole viewpoint. My whole view is that if you are still friends with an ex of long years, feelings can be brought up. Even if you don't want them to. I mentioned this to her and I expressed my whole feeling about it. She told me today that she was going to cease communication with him. Not because I'm "forcing" her, but because she wants to because of how upset it made me.

    @Kenzi - i must give you props. You must be a strong human being to not be able to get a little upset about it. I definitely understand what you mean that it was before YOU AND HIM. However, for a lot of people that's enough to kill it. Honestly, if i had known about her romp with her ex on a few of our first dates, I probably wouldn't be engaged to her today. Call me harsh but again during that first few weeks, you're still feeling each other out. But now, I can't imagine my life without her in it at all, which honestly, is probably what I should be focusing on. Wow...damn...I think you all just gave me a revelation. I'm serious. I'm focusing on something that happened BEFORE we were official, and i'm not focusing on the amazing person she has become in my life. And out of spite I used PMO to get revenge indirectly.

    Thank you all for your eye opening responses. I thank you for your harshness and honesty. It really did just give me a revelation.
     
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  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Just because you were more excited to meet her than she was to meet you, doesn't absolve you.
    It doesn't matter how you the timeline really went before "are we exclusive? Are we done seeing /dating /sleeping with other people?" "yes"
    Until this 'contract' comes up in a dating couple and makes it official and the terms are forthwith set... Its my opinion, and I think the majority will agree, she's absolved.
    I also think if you want to marry her, you should figure out your emotions and decide what boundaries you want together going forward.
    To correct any future mistakes or interests in the matters around sex either one of you may or may not have.
    Good luck
     
  10. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    My husband was exactly like you, all he could think about was me, he told me he couldn't even think or look at another girl after he met me. But for me? I wasn't like that, I was honestly a jaded person when it came to relationships and tried my best not to put hope into meeting someone and clicking.

    But, it's true, like @Kenzi said, did you and her say after that first date that you were exclusive?

    Glad she said she was going to cut off communication. But you know you have the right to set boundaries you know?

    My husband and I have boundaries regarding ex's or anyone we had romantic feelings over. There are certain ppl on the "do not contact" list, and then there are exceptions as long as we let each other know when we talk to those people and what the conversation consisted of (because cheating isn't always physical, it can be emotional).
     
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  11. OntheSurf4ce

    OntheSurf4ce Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Kenzi. Even though it hurts to hear, you're absolutely right. Thank you for taking the time to respond and help me understand.
     
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  12. OntheSurf4ce

    OntheSurf4ce Fapstronaut

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    I can completely understand what you mean. She was jaded too because of past realtionships. We didn't say after the first date that we were exclusive.

    I am very glad too. I did mention to her in the past that i didn't like that she talked to him. But she would always respond "it's nothing. it's just hi how are you?" Still made me upset though

    I believe this is a great example that boundaries are now set. It is sad that it came to this, and i am very at fault too. I caused this to happen. But in a sense i'm glad because now I know she knows how upset it makes me.
     
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  13. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    I can understand your strong feelings about her encounter with her ex and her saying that she hadn’t been involved with anyone at that time. It would have been better to not claim she had no involvements.

    And I’d say that at that time she wasn’t committed to you. The betrayal you feel is about a woman whom you had no claim over at the time. She could have slept with anyone up to the day you both agreed to be exclusive. Anything before that was just dating.

    I agree that it’s better for her to end contact with former lovers. If it’s going to be a bone of contention during your marriage you have to say so now. Make it clear if it’s a deal breaker.

    Using PMO to deal with feelings /stress is going to pull you further into addiction. Seek out help with communication so you don’t have unresolved issues pushing you to act out.
     
  14. Lonewolfpt

    Lonewolfpt Fapstronaut

    I know how jealosy works in relationships.. myself being in an ending 5 years with my first beloved GF, hurts even more.

    Jealousy sucks man. Women usually like to feel free and enabeled to talk everyone they wish too.

    I guess you just have to be lucky to be im a relationship with a woman whos is mature enough to tell the second intentions from men
     
  15. OntheSurf4ce

    OntheSurf4ce Fapstronaut

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    I completely agree with you about all of this. That is exactly where those strong feelings came from. It wasn't as much that she had DONE it as much as it was that she did it and then proceeded to tell me throughout our entire relationship that she hadn't seen him long before her and I met. So, in that regards I felt completely lied to. About 1 month after our relationship started and we became strongly intimate, we, as all couples do, discussed our sexual history with past partners and what not. During that conversation she told me and promised me that she hadn't seen any of her exes for months and months before her and I started dating. I believed her. Fast forward to last week, and basically that whole conversation, I felt was just a massive lie. When we finally talked everything out, she said the reason she didn't tell me was because she liked me so quickly, and fell in love with me so fast, that she didn't want to scare me away and make her think she was some sort of floozy for having a moment of weakness with an ex a few days before our first date. She wasn't aware that mine and her relationship was going to blossom so quickly as it has. Even though I have a different outlook than she did of it and basically thought that if she said she was as excited as she was to meet me and go out with me, then how could you even remotely think about another guy, especially an ex that had abused you so badly in the past? But once again, that's my jealousy talking. I sat down with her a few days ago and just talked it out with her. I let all of my insecurities out there in the open for her and just shared with her why I felt so hurt and apologized to her for breaking her trust and digging down a hole that I had 0 permission to go down. I just asked her, I didn't force or beg or plead, that if she could please cease any sort of contact with him. I said that I didn't care what kind of contact it was, even if it was just "hi, how are you?" or anything else like that. I said that I don't like it, and it makes me upset that you feel that you have to talk to someone who you've had such a history with. I said I can't force you, but I just want you to know that it hurts me deeply that you would still consider him even a friend after everything he's done. She agreed and promised me that she would no longer talk to him any longer. Part of me still feels hurt because she still was talking to him this whole time, but that will fade in time. One last thing that kind of got to me was the way she talked to him via email. Dirty. That's all I can say. Just completely filthy talk and sexual language. And it hurt me. Why do you ask? Because she has never once talked to me that way. Via text, via email, or in person. When I brought that up to her, she said the reason she doesn't talk to me like that is because she knows I respect her and she respects me, and that what we have is so much more special than just a quick fix and just to be used and left. That didn't really make sense to me honestly, like at all. I just didn't understand what she meant. I know plenty of my friends who use filthy talk in the bedroom and they love each other w/ all of their hearts. She said she just doesn't feel like she needs to do that with me because she has no problem with the way I am and she doesn't have to make up for anything by talking dirty to me. I don't know...sometimes I do like a little bit of the dirty talk.

    See, I know that I can't force her to think like me, because we are very different in a lot of aspects. For me, when I met her, I never once talked to any other women outside of work, because I showed her all of my attention, but honestly that is ironic, because then again, I suffer from PA, so I guess it's definitely close to being the same. I don't know...just venting more I guess, but i'm feeling a lot better than I have this past 5 days, and we've talked a lot more about it. She understands that I am hurt, and she feels bad for it. She's never once given me any reason to think she has ever done anything against me, but this situation definitely got close, and a lot of that was from my own insecurities.

    A lot of the stuff that went down the past 4 days have blown over and her and I have talked many times. We let out a lot of our own insecurities and worries. I apologized countless times to her for breaching her trust, and she apologized to me for keeping that from me in the very beginning. I realize that I have complained a lot in this thread, but I want to be the first to admit that I do suffer from extreme anxiety and depression, and although that's no excuse to act a certain way, it is sometimes hard for those of us that suffer from this, mixed with PA, to see clearly. I feel much better about this whole situation and my level of trust hasn't faded from her, and hers hasn't faded from mine. I believe this situation made our bond grow even stronger now that we've laid out our worries and we can continue to grow together on our road towards our marriage.
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2018
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  16. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like you really allowed each other the safety to be emotionally intimate. That’s how you short circuit the addictive cycles. If you can say anything to each other an give and receive the support to do so you’ll find trust and love and respect grow into a very strong bond.
     
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  17. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    When I read your post initially I thought they must have met online. Funny you did. I used to and everyone on there is juggling multiple people, their exes you name it. It’s the game of online dating. You had clearly invested in her before you met her. Most people don’t do that. She was acting as online daters act. She did not know if you were real. You know how many people post fake pictures? So let’s start with you were more invested at that point then you should have been.

    Second she had no obligation to you and it did not mean she was not excited to meet you. Again if you are an online dater and you don’t juggle many people it’s hard to succeed. Until you had an exclusive relationship she didn’t nothing wrong.

    Third I think you are passing judgment on her chastity and trying to push it off as concern about stds or her not being into you. I get there the idea is just icky to you, but men do it all the time. Try to step back and see if the real reason is an archaic way of thinking that she’s slutty. She said she was not in a good place then. She likely made us an excuse as you were implying it was slutty. Women have six just like men, it’s now it is.

    Fourth I think you may be sexually insecure, because of your PMO addiction s did fearful you are bad in bed. So when you hear about her sleeping with another man it makes you more insecure.

    Fifth if you are going to snoop be prepared for what you may find.

    Finally I think it’s fine to be friends with exes so long as it does not cross the line. A tip is to ask to have the man over for dinner and see how he treats you.
     
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  18. OntheSurf4ce

    OntheSurf4ce Fapstronaut

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    Yep, we did meet online, and I can understand that when you're in that beginning phase you may be juggling multiple people at first. But there's a difference between being honest with your potential dates and telling them that you're playing the field, and telling them that you're the only one you're talking to. The thing I don't understand is that even before we physically met we talked about her Ex and how untrustworthy he was, and how much of a jerk he was constantly cheating on her, and this and that, that it just caught me by surprise that she slept with him while we were talking, especially when she said I was her only option. I can understand that if our date didn't work out, and THEN she slept with him, but it's like i just felt she didn't even give me a chance, that's all, but honestly I'm over that now and have been focusing on everything we've done together to grow our relationship, so I've quickly gotten over that, even though I was extremely stressed about it. I will admit I did invest in her quickly because I quickly I had a good feeling about her, and that got me excited. Excited enough to explore our potential with nobody else in mine. I guess not everyone thinks like that.

    You're very right, and it took me a while to realize this. I guess an "excuse" would be that after everything we've been through and since we're getting married, it's hard for me to imagine her with anyone else, which may be selfish, but it is stupid for me to not realize that EVERYONE has a sexual past. Myself included. So it's not fair for me to dismiss hers, especially since we didn't even meet in person at that time.

    The third statement is kind of tricky. At first I thought it was a bit "slutty" but honestly, there are things that I've done sexually in my past that she knows about, so I can't pass judgment on that. You're exactly right. Women do have sex just like men, so it'd be stupid of me to think that she never ever had sex before when i knew that she did lol. She did make it as an excuse though, and the reasoning was so she wouldn't make me flee. She said she fell for me so fast that if she told me what she did at that time, she was afraid that I would think she was not who she said she was and I would leave. I can't say how I would have acted at the time, but it probably would have effected me in a bigger way, but now that we've built this life together, I can't hold that over her head, cuz once again...we didn't even meet yet, let alone become official. I think I just took it as a surprise because it was SO close to our first date. Like 3 days before. I could go all day about why I was upset, but the fact remains...we didn't even meet yet...

    Fourth - nail on the head. I am a bit sexually insecure. I've struggled with PMO for about 13 years, and it's left me at times, sexually frustrated. I've gone from having PE to having DE, to having erectile problems getting hard. I have a bit of a higher libido than her too, so when I get declined when I try to initiate, to this day, it still hurts and I feel like something is wrong with me, even though she has a stressful job and could be tired. I take it to heart too much sometimes and it's a work in progress. Also, we still have sex on average 2 times a week, sometimes even up to 3-4 times and it's wonderful when we make love. It's passionate and it's intense. I've been working hard with her to make it that way. I can last longer and keep her satisfied and she keeps me satisfied constantly, so there's no complaint. I just guess some weeks when we go up to 8 days or so w/o making love, and I try to initiate and she declines, that's when it hurts the most. But in actuality, there are certain things that I could be doing that could be a turn off to her. I do have a problem with complaining and depression too, so when i get into a slump and i don't make an effort to turn my complaining off, it could be unattractive to her. Not emotionally because she's definitely emotionally supportive, but maybe sexually or physically it could be a turn off for a day or two. Sometimes i take it to heart in the fact that for the first 6-9 months of our relationship, she used to dress up for me in Lingerie, and we would have foreplay for a LONG time. But for the past 4-6 months, it hasn't been like that at all. Barely any foreplay, no lingerie. Just missionary position, which is fine with me because i love staring into her eyes, but sometimes I just feel like she feels like it's a chore to her. Maybe i could be thinking too much about it. We've talked about all of this and she always says that I'm thinking too much about it, and then she gets defensive and asks if she's not pleasing me, which isn't the case, but she does, but i just told her that sometimes a little variety never hurts sometimes, like we used to. Wrong thing to say maybe? She's beautiful and I constantly tell her that. I cook, I clean, I do things for her daily. I don't do this in hopes of getting "laid," but rather because I love her and I know she can be stressed so i like to make her day easier for her.

    As far as your last statement, i'd have to agree and disagree at the same time. She talks to another ex of hers, whom she broke up with 2 years before we met. They dated for less than 9 months off and on. He's the nicest guy in the world. He's a pastor in Ohio now, and is an awesome and giving man. She remained friends with him, but broke up with him because she couldn't see herself being a pastors wife, and his lifestyle was not for her. However, the part i disagree with is the part that I do not think it's appropriate to talk to an ex whom you have an extensive sexual history with. Especially if that history is 7 years old. She lost her virginity to him at 15 and dated him until she was 22, and then still had a sexual history with him from 25 years old to 26. I do not think it's appropriate to talk to him, even if she hasn't done anything wrong since we've started dating, which she hasn't. My whole point about that is, that he has a history of cheating. Even though he's with a girl now, the fact that my fiance still talks to him may give him the idea that he is somehow still relevant in her life. She said she doesn't see it this way and only thinks of him as an acquaintance, not even a friend. She said that he just likes to "check in" from time to time. My thought process is...why? If he's so happy, why does he feel the need to check in? I can understand that she was very close with his family too, especially his mother, so why doesn't she just E-mail her mother? Me personally, have an ex that i've had an extensive sexual history with, and even though we ended on "good" terms, I still have no desire to talk to her, and wouldn't respond if she emailed me. Maybe i think differently than her, and she's just trying to be nice, but still it hurts a little bit to know that she still was talking to him, even though she was never disrespectful towards me, and told him right away after her and I became official that she was with me. I just feel there's a certain level of comfortability that you shouldn't have with a past ex. If he was such a bad person to her and a shitty boyfriend, why still have contact? She said that I taught her that forgiveness is a great way to live, and that she forgave him for everything because she doesn't even consider him part of her past and that she doesn't consider anything that happened in past relationships as "Real" because I showed her what real love is.

    Regardless, I've been trying my best to just move on and not worry about any of this. I'm over the whole "sex 3 days before our first date" event, but i'm trying to win back her trust because I was at fault and did break it by snooping where I shouldn't have been.

    Thank you for your insight, and eye opening reality checks. It really is helpful, and even though the truth hurts, it is still important for us all to realize when we're acting like a complete jack hole.
     
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  19. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Have you been diagnosed with anxiety? Are you taking meds for it? My ex pmo addict had serious anxiety which he medicated with pmo. Once he stopped it got really bad. But as a non anxious thinker you are WAY over thinking things. You also are reading into things what you think may Be there. You can’t change the past and worrying won’t change the future. Enjoy what you have right now. And know that people with non anxious minds like me and probably her struggle when people overthink things like this. Often we do not tell you the truth or we bend it a little because the consequences of dealing with your response are far too great. We don’t want to deal with days and days of what if and why. You need to create a place where she can tell you the truth and you not have these types of reactions. I think a little bit of jealousy is good but when you take it too far it reads as insecure and most women find that unattractive. Tell yourself if someone has a mind to cheat on you there is very little you can do to stop them and that’s absolutely true. So worrying and questioning her about her exes won’t stop her from cheating nor will cutting off communication with them. In fact it may push her further away.

    You certainly have a right to set boundaries with exes. The one I said is I think the best one. He needs to be your friend as well. If she’s unwilling to introduce him to you and facilitate that personally I would be suspicious of things. I understand you don’t think people can or should be friends with exes, but she does. So your choices are reach a compromise like the boundary above or leave. Don’t ask her to not talk to her exes. That likely will result in her doing it and not telling you.

    You were clearly way more into things before the two of you met than she was, that’s okay. And everyone on online dating is juggling men and women. It does not diminish her relationship with you after the fact. She clearly DID give you a chance as you are engaged. I picture the conversation going something like this “so do you talk to a lot of guys in here.” Her no not many just you. This conversation happened on every date I went on. I mean what’s not many? And maybe at the time she said that it was in fact true. Did she have a duty to call you up and say hey wait I slept with my ex I need to tell you? Heck no. You are placing too much on her. When I did online dating I would have to put the men’s names on my calendar so I did not mix them up! You have the right to be hurt because you are I can’t tell you not to be. But you need to move past it.

    As for sex you are having plenty of it so I would not be too concerned this is the normal course of things as it progresses. Don’t put so much value on the sex part of things. Same goes with the lingerie. Just ask any married couple. But you have to recognize that the PIED can be a problem. You say you can go for a long time as if that’s a good thing! DE is not a good thing. I remember not initiating as much because I did not have an hour to kill. It hurt I was tired and I was done. So yes I had a very high sex drive but being with a guy with DE reduced it.

    Finally read the four launguages of Love. My ex used to clean and cook and do dishes and was angry I was not as appreciative as he thought I should be. Here’s the thing I never asked him to do those things and could care less if he did. To him if someone did things like that it showed love to me it did not. I mean I just thought he liked to do it and why was he getting mad at me for doing things I did not ask of him? Check that out.
     
  20. OntheSurf4ce

    OntheSurf4ce Fapstronaut

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    I have been officially diagnosed with anxiety and i do take meds for it. She does not have anxiety and does not require any special medication for any issues of that sort, so I can see where her thinking is probably a little bit more clear headed than mine is. Well, I never told her she couldn't talk to them. I just told her that i necessarily didn't like it that she talked to that one ex of hers whom she's had an extensive sexual history with. I would never force her to stop talking to anyone, but all i did was explain my frustration about it, that's all. As far as my reactions to things, I must admit i definitely do worry for days about certain things that I or her have no control over, so maybe by taking a step back and realizing my feelings before I react would be better and allow her to create a space where she can tell me everything. As far as our relationship goes, she does tell me pretty much EVERYTHING, so there's no complaints there. As I said in a previous post, I knew she was talking to that ex the whole time we dated, but the reason it caused me to freak out recently because i was a tad hurt that she never told me she had sex with him so recently before we dated. I thought in my head..."if she had sex with him so recently before we met, how do i know that she still wasn't doing something since they had sex so close to when we started seeing each other." As far as our relationship goes, I'm not worried about pushing her away, because we do have very good communication, even though it may not seem like i'm describing it that way right now, but in fact, we really do. We always talk about everything and our concerns and we do have a lot of space for each other to vent and/or stress out. Not to say we don't disagreements because we do, but she's definitely a bit better at handling it than I am sometimes. She knows I'm a bit jealous, but one thing i'm not is controlling. I've never forced her to do anything she wouldn't want to do just to get my own way. I just voice my opinion, and leave it up to her to make her own decision. I'm also not worried about her cheating at all. Not to sound smug, but i know just how much she loves me, and she knows just how much i love her. She's had a long history of her past exes cheating constantly on her, and she knows I never would, and I haven't. Except with P, which she knows about and has helped me constantly break the vicious cycle.

    As far as the ex thing. Sorry...there's no way in hell that he's becoming my friend, let alone stepping foot in my house. That is a boundary that I just won't cross. Maybe her Pastor Ex boyfriend, because i've met him and he's really nice, but not her most recent ex boyfriend. And honestly, I couldn't give 2 craps from sunday if he liked me. I dont' want, or need his approval and I certainly dont' want him to be a part of my life let alone hers. As I said, I'm not controlling, but i am very straight to the point and blunt with people whom I don't like one bit. I'm not afraid to be blunt to people's face.

    As far as in the beginning, as I said before...you are right. Maybe because for the first couple of months of online dating, I had disappointment after disappointment with several girls. One date, and then done. With her, she actually took time BEFORE our first date to get to know me, call me on the phone, text me, facetimed. She was cautious, and we built a bond before we even met in person. I took to that very quickly because it seemed as though she was doing her do diligence to make sure she found the right one. I guess the whole thought of her doing all of that to get to know me, and then slept with her ex just kind of ruined it for a couple of days for me. Now as I said though, I'm over that and can't and am no longer worrying about it and holding it over her head.

    I've had DE, but over the past couple of weeks it's been just right. Our love making has been fantastic. I think the stress of this whole situation and my anxiety had been effecting me in mental ways. PIED is not really a problem for me any longer. I used to have PE and then DE, but now when i say "i can go a long time" i mean I can go the JUST right amount of time so it's pleasurable for us. After starting nofap, my reboot is going better with each streak, and my reboot time in the bedroom has been on record times. I used to not be able to get hard again after 1 round, but now, i can get hard again for round 2.

    All in all, I have an appointment with my therapist today to discuss these thought processes and he's been such a wonderful help since the beginning. I know I can beat this mentality. Thank you for your eye opening insight. Even though, as I said before, it hurts to know the truth, it is helping me very much
     
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