Did I fuck up?

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From my journal:
"(...)But, yesterday was a really nice day.
We played Truth or Dare, and I really fucked up ashdusahudas. But it was nice anyway, I felt the closest to people I ever felt in a really long time. So, I was challenged to kiss a girl, and, yeah, I denied. In reality, the challenger didn't said where should I kiss, so I accomplished the challenge anyway. I could have kissed for the first time there, but I wasn't comfortable. Maybe this is because the relapse, I just didn't feel like I should. I have felt just like she would hate it, and everyone would hate me also. I know that was only in my mind, but I really didn't want."
 
JeeGus said:
From my journal:
"(...)But, yesterday was a really nice day.
We played Truth or Dare, and I really fucked up ashdusahudas. But it was nice anyway, I felt the closest to people I ever felt in a really long time. So, I was challenged to kiss a girl, and, yeah, I denied. In reality, the challenger didn't said where should I kiss, so I accomplished the challenge anyway. I could have kissed for the first time there, but I wasn't comfortable. Maybe this is because the relapse, I just didn't feel like I should. I have felt just like she would hate it, and everyone would hate me also. I know that was only in my mind, but I really didn't want."
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I believe this is part of the shame that comes with pmo. Self defeating mental chatter like this is integral part of this addiction. Did she seem like she would be disgusted by kissing you ?
 
It does sound like self doubt due to the relapse symptom. She probably would of liked a good smack on the lips from you.
 
Kman20 said:
I believe this is part of the shame that comes with pmo. Self defeating mental chatter like this is integral part of this addiction. Did she seem like she would be disgusted by kissing you ?
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No, I don't think so
Knight81 said:
It does sound like self doubt due to the relapse symptom. She probably would of liked a good smack on the lips from you.
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Yeah, I think this was because of the relapse as well.
If this had any good in it, it made me see how PMO is destroying me.
 
JeeGus said:
No, I don't think so

Yeah, I think this was because of the relapse as well.
If this had any good in it, it made me see how PMO is destroying me.
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Well then my friend I think in this case you were your own worst enemy. Your mind became self conscious instead of going off of the facts. There were so many occasions where I believed a girl was uninterested in me and so I backed away but in retrospect she wanted me to make advances.

This is for sure thinking brought on from your relapse because once you get a good streak going and naturally grow more confident, you wouldn’t have thought she would have hated it.
 
Kman20 said:
Well then my friend I think in this case you were your own worst enemy. Your mind became self conscious instead of going off of the facts. There were so many occasions where I believed a girl was uninterested in me and so I backed away but in retrospect she wanted me to make advances.

This is for sure thinking brought on from your relapse because once you get a good streak going and naturally grow more confident, you wouldn’t have thought she would have hated it.
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Yeah, today was my third day on the streak, and I was already really better. But that day, I was feeling like crap. Maybe that was for better
 
JeeGus said:
Yeah, today was my third day on the streak, and I was already really better. But that day, I was feeling like crap. Maybe that was for better
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Good job on three days man (: pmo only breeds self defeating thoughts because it’s such an atrocious act we feel guilty about it. It’s literally a self esteem destroyer. If you get the chance next time try thinking realistic for once. From the little that you’ve told me so far I don’t think it would have been bad if you kissed her at all.
 
Kman20 said:
Good job on three days man :) pmo only breeds self defeating thoughts because it’s such an atrocious act we feel guilty about it. It’s literally a self esteem destroyer. If you get the chance next time try thinking realistic for once. From the little that you’ve told me so far I don’t think it would have been bad if you kissed her at all.
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Man, you really helped me, thank you :)
Next time I'll think about this, thnks ;)
 
JeeGus said:
If this had any good in it, it made me see how PMO is destroying me.
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This is no little advance. You now know and faced the consequences, that's a huge step toward progress because you know you could have done better, and what happens when you don't.

That inner voice telling you that you'll gain the hate of the group is your mind telling you to play the safest it cans, but in the end that will not bring you the joy you're seeking, because it will not let you dare to go for what you want. I'm not talking about doing whatever you want and screw the others, I'm saying that no one could have blamed you for kissing the girl, but your mind is telling you they would, and that that would have been a disaster of some sort (much bigger issue than what I assume it was). Meditate about what happened, and the next time something alike happens, you'll be in a better place to act (I'm assuming you did wanted to kiss her, otherwhise you wouln't post this, right?).
 
greenishmoon said:
This is no little advance. You now know and faced the consequences, that's a huge step toward progress because you know you could have done better, and what happens when you don't.

That inner voice telling you that you'll gain the hate of the group is your mind telling you to play the safest it cans, but in the end that will not bring you the joy you're seeking, because it will not let you dare to go for what you want. I'm not talking about doing whatever you want and screw the others, I'm saying that no one could have blamed you for kissing the girl, but your mind is telling you they would, and that that would have been a disaster of some sort (much bigger issue than what I assume it was). Meditate about what happened, and the next time something alike happens, you'll be in a better place to act (I'm assuming you did wanted to kiss her, otherwhise you wouln't post this, right?).
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Yes, I think that event motivates me a lot. Well, today I relapsed again, but I think I'm only feeling motivated enough to restart because of this and other alike events that occur very often with me. Maybe that was for better.
I can see the light in the end of tunnel, I just don't know if I can arrive there :/
 
JeeGus said:
Just a whatever chick
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Might of been a factor for your hesitation too. I don't blame you at all for it. I think anyone would have done the same in your situation. The funny part is, the whatever kind of chicks, are the ones that would let you without any refusal.
 
Knight81 said:
Might of been a factor for your hesitation too. I don't blame you at all for it. I think anyone would have done the same in your situation. The funny part is, the whatever kind of chicks, are the ones that would let you without any refusal.
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Well, that makes me feel better, thnks ;)
 
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