Did it Again

He isn't ready to change. You can't force him to do it. Your story sounds like mine in some ways. I don't know why but every time he told me it was over this time, he would stop I believed him. But it never changed. And now I can see it in him actions or lack of actions. I don't know how long your relationship has been with him, but for me it took 15 years to get to real change. 15 years of lies, empty promises, pain, heartache and frankly mental abuse. No, he isn't a bad guy, he is a great guy besides the PA. But it is abuse. I was ready to leave and I guess that hit him. He has been clean for a little over 130 days. But it had to be his choice. In the past I had blocked every way I could think of and he always found another way. There is always a way. I am lucky in a way that he never (openly) blamed me, or got angry. Once or twice maybe a little, but it was more defensive.

I hate to say but I don't think you should continue and hope for him to change. You can get accountability software but it won't make him want to stop. He needs to hit rock bottom, he has to want to stop, to change. You need to ask yourself if you can live with the relationship as it is now. I know that I couldn't, but it took me a lot of time and pain to reach that point. All the while hoping that he would change, love me enough to stop hurting me. That my pain that he was causing was enough, to mean something to him.
Things are getting better, but it is still a long painful road to go down. I really do hope that you can work it all out. Has he admitted that it is a problem? Has he done any research on PA?

 

Sounds to me like the small build up of honesty was ruined long ago. My wife was going easy on me at first too...and with me knowing that I couldn’t overcome urges at all. “She understands I’m addicted” I would tell myself. Sometimes you just have to have the “my way or the highway” approach.

 

Meh...never be dependent on anyone. Ultimately you should always do what you think is best for you. In my opinion it sounds like you are more than fully capable of being in a loving relationship...it also sounds like he is not ready for that just yet. Again, this is just me talking and I don’t know either one of you two. Do whatever you feel in your heart is right. But one thing I can say is a lot of addicts will continue to test what they can get away with.

 

Hi. You say "we can work on it" and I'd just like to share my experience with that.

In my household, there is no "we" for my addiction. It is mine. It is my responsibility. I don't want my wife to try to manage it and she does not want to either. I own it and it's my job to work my recovery. I am not perfect and she understands this but she expects honesty and effort on my part. Her ways of supporting me are with understanding that this is important in my life to work on so our schedules are coordinated together so that I can go to meetings or make phone calls or whatever without any resentment. She also treats me with respect and as an equal. She has never once slung an insult or character assassination because of who I am. She does not think less of me as a person because I have the label "addict". However, I'm still expected to be 100% husband and 100% dad, no excuses.

I was 4+ years into recovery when I went on my first date with my wife. Having done both, I will say it is much easier to start a relationship in recovery than it is to start a recovery in a relationship.

So, that's great you may say, your wife is dealing with a person of recovery but what if you're actively being lied to and can't trust your partner.

Boundaries.

I'd like to think I would say something like this:

"You know what. I don't want to see your phone and I don't want the password to your computer. I'm tired of chasing you around to figure out the truth. I just don't give a f*ck. This is your problem, you fix it. I am just going to assume you are lying. If you want back into my life, back into my heart, back into my bed, then YOU prove to ME that you're sober. Until that time....<insert boundaries here>."

Some common boundaries I have seen:
- you can't sleep in our bed
- you have to move into the basement
- you have to move out
- I won't let you touch me
- if you are not X months sober by this time next year, I am divorcing you

etc etc

Rules about boundaries:
- they are meant to keep the person safe. They are not for punishment/reward
- they must be explicit. An addict will find the tiniest bit of wiggle room and exploit it
- they must be firm. If one caves on a boundary, they are all essentially invalidated

Anyways, I guess I went a little overboard on this post, but the general gist is:

If I didn't own my recovery as my own, if I tried to share the problem with my spouse or if she tries to share it with me, my twisted brain would have found ways of making things her fault that aren't. If I was this way, I gotta imagine every addict is. I am no one special. Just some middle-aged guy working his program to be a good father and husband and to live with integrity free from a fatal disease.

Peace,
-Quinn

 

THAT is a great quote.

..

I am so sorry you are going through this..NONE of it is your fault, and you should not have to be the porn police.

..

@TheMightyQuinn said it all so well.

 

Want to say something about "rock bottom" as well. I've seen 1000+ newcomer addicts come through the door. Some get arrested, some loser their jobs. But the ones who hit bottom in their marriage and got really serious about recovery were told "I don't give a f*ck, get out. Come back when you're sober".

Peace,
Quinn

 

I hope two things are apparent to you in this statement:

- his acting out is your fault (says he)
- he manipulated you into backing off

Just to be clear: nothing you do, absolutely nothing, makes you in any way responsible for his behavior. Even when you do something wrong, it doesn't make his behavior right. Never.

So, that's a boundary right there. You are never responsible for his behavior. Never alter your behavior to try to control or assuage his.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope everyone here are living testaments that things will get better for you with help and effort. It may not ultimately be what you picture it to be now, who is to say, but you will get there and you will be happy, dare I even say, grateful for where you have been and who you have become.

I wish you much peace and serenity,
-Quinn

 

Also, don't let him gaslight you into not respecting the boundaries.
Good luck.