Did you find your partner less attractive while viewing porn?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by TryingToHeal, Nov 28, 2017.

Did you find your partner less attractive while viewing porn?

  1. Yes, I found my partner less attractive while viewing P.

    21 vote(s)
    48.8%
  2. No, I didn't find my partner less attractive while viewing P.

    17 vote(s)
    39.5%
  3. After rebooting, I now find my partner more attractive than I did while viewing P.

    11 vote(s)
    25.6%
  4. After rebooting, I am attracted to my partner the same as when I was viewing P.

    6 vote(s)
    14.0%
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    Mine definitely did, I’m really curious what the PA’s have to say about it especially in regards to arrogance and entitlement as with my hubby.
    Blurring the lines had spilled over in real life as well for him with women in friendships and coworkers.
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2017
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  2. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    I never found my wife less attractive when viewing porn. It did make me less tolerant of her lack of interest in sex. It numbed that pain briefly, but also kept it in the front of my mind what "it could be like.". So it made me a shittier partner, but one still attracted to her.
     
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  3. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    This might be brilliant I need to think about this some...

    but what does it mean to love yourself? how do you actually do this? I wish I knew how. I'm lost... And I need to understand and learn....
     
  4. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Well I don't have the magic answer for this, but I know what worked for my husband. What it means for him is that he is worthy of being loved. He deserves to be love and he deserves to enjoy his life. That he matters, that he actually has feelings and emotions and that they matter. To get to this point, he figured out the root of where the self-hate came from and figured out that it was BS and untrue. That's the short of it, if you want the long version....

    For him in particular it started with his parents. His dad always told him that he wasn't good enough. Nothing ever satisfied his dad enough. Also, his sister was also treated different than him, definitely favored. That reinforced it. So, he just came to view life in that way. He was a piece of shit that would never amount to anything or be good enough for anyone. That's where it all came from for him. I think this will be different for everyone because everyone is going to have a different reason of why they don't love themselves.

    When we met, the honeymoon phase took him out of that for a bit but it didn't last long. Then when we would get into disagreements or I'd tell him my opinions of just any little thing, it reinforced that he wasn't good enough for me. I was reinforcing that for him even though I didn't mean to. When I wouldn't want sex, it was reinforcing that, that was probably the worst one for him. His love language is physical touch. That one is the lowest on my list. I am not touchy feely and we had a baby right after getting married. I was "touched out" from kids all day long (we had a second one shortly after). Well I guess I should say I wasn't touchy feely for the longest time. I am now in the last 5 months, now that we have the deep emotional connection that was always missing before. It wasn't that I didn't want sex with him, I did, but I'm the type that needs the mental part to be there as well. If that's not there, I'm not into it. I can be for a bit, but it always goes back. I told him I always felt ignored. He just never got that. I just thought he was incapable of giving me that emotional/mental side I needed to be fully into the physical part, but it turns out he isn't.

    Anyway, so when I didn't want to cuddle or have sex or whatever, he took that really hard. I knew it upset him, but I didn't know how deeply it hurt him, how much it made him feel what he had always felt, unloved and not good enough. He didn't feel he deserved it either, so he just stuffed those feelings down. A lot of boys are taught not to feel their emotions, don't cry, etc. so that is what he tried to do, not feel anything, which led to not feeling the good or the bad. This made the dopamine hit from P all that much sweeter, I believe.

    The day I gave him my wedding rings back, he just burst out sobbing. That was his rock bottom. I've never heard him cry like that or anywhere near it. It was like this loud guttural cry and everything just came pouring out. I was more mad and upset with him than I'd ever been, I was ready to leave him, I didn't even want to look at him, but when I saw him hurting like that, I reached out to hug him to comfort him and I think in that very moment, he realized that I really truly loved him deeply. He says that he felt a change, like he physically felt it come over him in that moment (that's a little far out for me but he still maintains that). He finally felt really truly loved, that I would reach out to him in that moment after everything he had put me through. And because of that, he finally felt like he was someone who was deserving of love.

    And it turns out, to his surprise, that he didn't actually want sex for the sake of sex, he wanted a deep intimate connection. That's why P was never fulfilling, it doesn't provide that, it makes it all go in the other direction. He just didn't know how to actually do that, to be emotionally available and open to that connection.

    Obviously this isn't like a "how to" because that situation won't happen for everyone and everyone's root cause is different. But the key was that he let that long held belief he had that he wasn't good enough go. It was the childhood stuff that was the root of it all. Once he let that all out, and let it go, he was able to see his worth. Now that doesn't mean everything here is roses, it's not. In fact, as he was getting better and loving himself more, all his P use sent me in the other direction questioning all these things about myself, etc. But I see the change in him every day, he is a completely different person. He really enjoys life now, I couldn't say that of him before.

    If you want to PM me or have more questions or whatever @phuck-porn! , feel free. I think everyone's journey will be really individual, but I'm happy to try to help if I can.
     
  5. Re: Loving yourself... has anyone here tried EFT (tapping)?
     
  6. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    @TryingToHeal - thank you soo soo much for the longer story and the details of your lucky husband's journey. I need to read it several more times and process...

    one quick comment - not surprisingly, I have childhood stuff too that communicated to me that I was valuable for what I did, and how I acted, not who is was. I took me some time and effort to understand and uncover all that because it wasn't any obvious trauma or abuse. but here's the deal: I had this goofy notion that when I uncovered it, it would somehow lose it's power and go away. it hasn't. maybe I haven't reached the real root yet? I dunno.

    more later after I think about it some more. again thank you very much :)
     
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  7. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    I looked into it a lot a few years ago, but never jumped in. it's so goofy that it's interesting. if you give it a try please let us know!
     
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  8. My husband LOVES it. A dear friend wrote a book on it and my husband really encourages you to try it. He likes Brad Yates a lot- you can find him on youtube :)
     
  9. It really reminds me of EMDR!
     
  10. I encourage you to continue saying it more often and as much as possible. I personally have gone back and have thanked those who never stopped repeating the message of self-love. The ones that always reminded me I have worth.
    A great question, @phuck-porn! I think a part of you knows how but we tend to over-complicate the process. The best way to love yourself is to do small acts of kindness towards yourself. Another method is to allow the good things people say about you to enter into your heart and mind. I used to shrug off compliments. Then, after getting advice on how to reverence myself from a priest, I created post-it cards with some of the positive things others have said about me. I would put these up on various walls around my room so wherever I turned there would be a positive comment about who I am starring back at me to remind me that I'm not worthless or unlovable. After making progress with these small steps, I decided to take bigger steps and sought the help of a therapist.

    With the help of my therapist I had found that my lack of belief in my self-worth started after being sexually abused by a female family member. The abuse happened during puberty when I was 10 yrs old. I was already curious about girls and I think my abuser noticed this which is why I was targeted. Regardless of the why, the abuse left its wound in the belief that because I had enjoyed the pleasure then I must have deep down wanted to be abused. That belief resulted in me shaming myself and viewing myself as scum, evil, and disgusting.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 6, 2017
  11. Awe @TryingToHeal don’t worry about being a broken record on my page lol..I’m a broken record on there myself..haha! I delete things sometimes too for the same reason or because I am afraid of offering unwanted advice. But either way all comments welcome for me :)
     
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  12. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I am glad it was useful to you, @phuck-porn! . I wasn't sure it would be! I think the journey is really personal but the end result hopefully is the same, self-love!

    As for the childhood stuff, my husband had never really addressed it. Like he acknowledged it, but never recognized it was wrong and shouldn't have happened, that the way it made him feel affected him. His childhood overall was really good compared to a lot of people. There was never any physical abuse, etc., so he never even considered there could be issues from that. I think now he sees that you don't have to have a terrible childhood for things that happened in it to have an impact on you. Mine was pretty decent, but I definitely have had to address some things, too. But your self-esteem is pretty important, so being told you aren't good enough all the time definitely changes who you are (same for you with being valued by what you could do not who you are). So I think he came to terms with how shitty it was, how he was treated, and the big part... how that made him *feel*. And that those feelings didn't make him weak, less of a man, feeling sorry for himself or any of that. That his feelings are valid and good for him to have. That is another thing I should have mentioned more in my last post, I think. He always thought it was strong to be able to shove the bad emotions down and not address them. He thought it was weak to cry or be sad, any of those things. He thought I would think he was weak for having feelings! I told him that no, I find showing emotion, addressing the feelings and honoring them strong, not the other way around. To me ignoring the feelings and shoving them down was the weak part. So yeah he really addressed the fact that those things in his childhood made him sad, made him feel bad, changed the way he felt about himself, really affected him, they were wrong to say, and they were simply untrue. Have you not just uncovered them but really addressed them? If you have, maybe there is more? Maybe those feelings aren't all? I'm not sure, but something to think about. :)
     
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  13. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    It wasn't that I thought I'd be a broken record on your page but more like... all over NoFap I feel like I keep saying that! haha Yours was just the last one of before that post that I had deleted and decided not to post. I figured people are going to be like yeah there is that girl again, talking about loving yourself. Eyeroll. So yeah, I delete, a lot. ;) Thank you, though about welcoming all comments! Same here. :)
     
  14. Lol that’s cute! And you have a beautiful story so share away!
     
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  15. TheLoneDanger

    TheLoneDanger Fapstronaut

    **WARNING: POSSIBLE TRIGGERS**

    I never saw my wife as less attractive. I don’t know, sometimes I feel like I can’t relate to a lot of people when it comes to this. Mine wasn’t your typical case where one becomes addicted to porn and it takes place of sex itself, then by the Coolidge effect, one takes his habit to more extreme genres. No, I was already broken before I had access to porn on a regular basis. By the time the internet came along, I was already entrenched in kink-centric fantasy. Porn was merely my vehicle to explore those fantasies.

    What I was going through when it comes to my wife felt much deeper than a mere physical attraction issue. What porn did to me was make sex itself less intense. The things about which I fantasized made sex so dull that, when the time finally came for me to experience sex, I felt it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be by seemingly everyone. But my mind became even more confused when I met this woman who was extremely attractive, very compatible, and somebody I couldn’t let get away. That woman would become my wife. I was now living with a dark secret that I thought some normalcy could cure. I never had any trouble being sexually ready for my wife as she was always attractive to me. But the intensity of my fetishes was a high I couldn’t replicate.

    The only way to combat this double life that was forming between the fantasy world and my relationship was to try and combine the two. As I did so, I began to fetishize my wife’s attractiveness. This was, in essence, objectifying her beauty to satisfy my own sense of sexual fulfillment. I was sick, but it worked for awhile. That is, until it became too much for my wife to handle.

    So maybe I’m not qualified to participate in this poll. But for some reason I wanted to give my take to show that sometimes it’s not so simple as the poll suggests. There can be some dark demons working underneath it all.
     
  16. Many many years ago I took my future wife to a porn movie theatre, she was.17.Of courses we got turned on and had sex.Fast forward 35 years, we a few to to times would watch porn while having sex.She then told me she didn't want to do it any longer as she felt intimidated by the young women on screen. I understood since I couldn't compare to the young guys anymore either.
     
  17. My reaction was mixed .... Yes, I found my wife less attractive, but mostly noticing how her body was different than the porn stars I was whackin' to.
    So, Id search for older, middle weight porn ... didnt really change my views of her.
    I would transfer some of my porn desires on her and we'd have some sex, but then I was released and done.
    Funny thing tho ... my wife modeled a little bit when she was younger, so when I'd find her images, it was like finding a sweet ass new hottie in porn and I'd whack my lil guy raw.
    My brain is messed up.
    ( 3 days - NoFap )
     
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  18. Rob_B_

    Rob_B_ Fapstronaut

    I have always found my wife very attractive (in every respect), and still do. My PM habit did nothing to change that - if anything, over the last few years when my PM'ing got really out of control, I've found myself more and more attracted to my wife. On some level, it was her I was searching for in P (may sound crazy, but it's true).
     
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  19. Well I'll tell you guys something I would never say to anyone else. My late was was always in good shape up until she passed away at 55 yo . She was 5'1" and the most she weighed was 120lb. After a few years alone I met a lady 60yo, a few years younger then me. She is somewhat plump and of course older looking then my late wife was. Beside all the regular porn I watched I would at time go to BBW and granny porn.Maybe to let me think it's ok to like older bigger women. I know some of these weight issues are do to the fact I used to at time hassle my wife about working out and the way she looked when she passed away weighing 80 lbs.
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2018
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