Did you want your partner to watch porn?

[Deleted Account]

Wondering how a lot of addicts and their partners have felt about porn.
Did you ever try to get your partner to watch porn with you, feeling like sharing this interest would be connecting? Did any of the SOs want to watch but felt betrayed when they weren’t included? Or did everyone just have same boundaries from the beginning. Hiding, lying, and shame?

 

[Meshuga]

Porn was always regarded as bad in my family.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

Wondering how a lot of addicts and their partners have felt about porn.
Did you ever try to get your partner to watch porn with you, feeling like sharing this interest would be connecting? Did any of the SOs want to watch but felt betrayed when they weren’t included? Or did everyone just have so kind boundaries from the beginning. Hiding, lying, and shame?

lol, I brought home vcr tapes hoping it would “ spice” up our sex life. Only when I found out pmo was the reason our sex life sucked did I become enraged about it and felt like he was cheating ( because honestly how is it not cheating if he’s lying, hiding, and doing himself while ignoring me?)

 

[Starling]

When I was dating my husband, he begged me to never ever watch porn. He was so scared it would hurt me/change me/I would lose my innocence or naivity, I don't know. However, x years later, it was him, who showed me the porn, involuntarily. He left it in the history in the pc. I was disgusted, and yes, it changed me, I lost a lot of my innocence and naivity. I was destroyed. I felt like nothing would ever be good again. My husband was addicted to this and it would never change. I can't fight it. I cannot win. How about...I give up and do the same? I had a lot of temptations to watch porn. Few times I gave up. A lot of times, I was the one to ask my husband to watch porn together. I don't know if I really meant it, or if I was just testing him. Maybe it was the lack of connection I felt, that made me ask for watching porn together. It was something so important to him and he kept it away from me for so long, Somehow, I felt like it would connect us, to share it together... Fortunately, he never said yes. I don't have the temptations to watch porn anymore. I know, and I knew it then, too, that it would not help anything. I could see what it did to my husband and it was nothing good. I knew it would make me a much worse person. I just was in such mental state, that I almost didn't mind. I didn't give up just because of my children. They don't deserve that. They need their mum to be sober.

 

[PixelPrincess]

Same story here. I knew it was a thing but felt like maybe it was infrequent. But I also felt like the sex and intimacy was a bit off. So I did what any woman would do. Tried harder, forced diets, obsessing about imperfections, chasing and pushing. I even turned to porn, together and alone, and that was terrifying. He didn’t look at me half as much and I was devastated. How quickly being lonely turned me into accepting the thing I hated. I finally had the courage to say I wasn’t going to do that with him anymore. Then an unfortunate evening happened a few weeks later where my husband wanted to confess it all. Turns out it was a much bigger problem than was presented and had been going on for years. Hiding, but also lying when I asked specifically. It really destroyed my loving feelings to find that out. Children keep me sticking around too. It feels like a tragic loss. I’m not acting out because P and this forum have scared me, and I refuse to be a hypocrite. So there’s no fulfilling sex and I’m really sad about it a lot. I believe he’s working on it but I don’t know how to stop obsessing over this.

 

[Deleted Account]

I wanted my wife to look at porn with me but she didn’t like the idea. I was mostly curious at that point. I was hoping it would provide a basis for conversations about sexual things I was curious about but never felt safe to talk about. A lot of body image issues and curiosity about how what it was like for women in their bodies. So porn never answered my questions and mostly I just needed therapy. After 3 years of therapy I’m not desirous of viewing porn at all. I just find it boring. But if women are talking about their experiences with personal or sexual stuff like on Reddit, I’m still interested in learning.
But I’ve made peace with it. I know who I am and accept my interests and I’m not hiding or lying about it.

 

[CrushedandLeaving]

I grew up with the men in my family all joking about watching porn and doing national-lampoon-style awoooga eyes at women on TV and in real life. As well as men adjacent to my family making crude sexual commentary on me to my family members from about the time I was 13. They would badmouth their wives the moment they got pregnant and it would continue for pretty much forever, making negative body comments and then complaining that their wives weren't hypersexual toward them all the time while being insulted. Their magazines were not well hidden and they were not savvy about hiding their use with the Internet (or through various stealing satellite channels when I was suuuuper young), so I made the connection very young that men who watch porn or make eyes at a bunch of women or the tv are super gross and that I didn't want to be involved in that or exposed to it ever again once I moved out. The women just shrugged or pretended to not care because they're all poor and most have been stay at home moms for at least some time and have nowhere to go.

I was really transparent about that with my dating potentials. Two men I talked to about it were defensive of the practice and said not all men behave like that in real life after using porn, but at least they were honest and I could just thank them and let them know I just wanted to be friends. They were fooling themselves. Maybe men don't act like that out loud, but it's what's in their heads and their hearts. My ex got the same talk regularly from me. Met my family and witnessed the way they behaved. Saw with his own two eyes why I didn't want it in my life. And still lied to me about it.

 

[PixelPrincess]

The lying is the worst part. “This means more to me than you do” is probably a very unfair way to summarize this but it’s what it feels like. And even if they do deny it’s a problem, the impact of their use on our actual sex life is very noticeable. Is there a partner support group on here? I think I saw something that was inactive.

 

[Deleted Account]

They were fooling themselves. Maybe men don't act like that out loud, but it's what's in their heads and their hearts.

This is very true. Especially on my case. I noticed that my thinking was hijacked a lot of the time. I didn’t ever view a lot of porn, but I did fantasize and masturbate and the way I viewed beautiful women was not what I wanted it to be. I valued their approval more than I should. I felt rejection deeper than was reasonable. Everything was personal.
After almost 10 years since I last masturbated and a lot of continuing personal growth, my thinking is much different. I still have to be aware to not just let it wander. And when I start feeling the need for approval from beautiful women or the desire to objectify them for that imaginary feeling of acceptance, I have to take a minute and see where the feeling is coming from and what I actually need. But the answer is never sex, porn, or masturbation. It’s always attention to some part of me that’s been neglected.

 

[Deleted Account]

I should throw in that it’s been probably 25 years since I wanted my wife to watch porn with me. I was just curious about how common this desire was and how the other side felt. I think that if my wife had been ok with it I would have liked it but it would have gotten old very quickly and I would have wanted something else. It was just one of the things I thought would help create connection. What I wanted was conversation and intimacy about something that was always taboo in my family growing up. But unfortunately I was unhealthy and so was my wife so we picked each other.
I think what would have and still would be what I really wanted is couples therapy. But she’s not willing to.

 

[CrushedandLeaving]

The lying is the worst part. “This means more to me than you do” is probably a very unfair way to summarize this but it’s what it feels like. And even if they do deny it’s a problem, the impact of their use on our actual sex life is very noticeable. Is there a partner support group on here? I think I saw something that was inactive.

The one here is disappointingly inactive. Loveafterporn on reddit is active and supportive.

 

[nmfn]

I used to watch a bit of porn with my wife, back when it was just an enhancement to our sex. Now it's a problem for me, so it's stopped.

 

[Warfman]

Wondering how a lot of addicts and their partners have felt about porn.
Did you ever try to get your partner to watch porn with you, feeling like sharing this interest would be connecting? Did any of the SOs want to watch but felt betrayed when they weren’t included? Or did everyone just have same boundaries from the beginning. Hiding, lying, and shame?

I've never had the inclination to watch P with a partner of mine. I remember some of my friends doing so. But for me I never saw the lure really.

Looking back I'm pretty certain one of my serious ex's probably has/had a p addiction, just based on behavior etc. You're thread has me asking... Had she initiated would I have gone along with it? probably... But I think a lot of that would have been due to nice guy syndrome and going along to get along. If I try to feel what I think I would have felt in those moments I probably would have felt weird about it after.

Many friends I had were the type that joked about it, and loved to joke about catching each other. I never did really joke about it at all, except one dorm roommate who would constantly lock our door... Man the times I caught him were endless... And I did give him a hard time.

I was much more secretive about the whole thing even to close friends/partners that were very open about it I suppose that was a shame based response.

I don't know if this is relevant or not, but in all my relationships my p use would drop to zero. Then I picked it back up usually as a way to cope with the breakup or once things got a little rocky after a honeymoon phase.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

The lying is the worst part. “This means more to me than you do” is probably a very unfair way to summarize this but it’s what it feels like. And even if they do deny it’s a problem, the impact of their use on our actual sex life is very noticeable. Is there a partner support group on here? I think I saw something that was inactive.

There is a support group you can join. @hope4healing I’m not sure how she joins? Lol

 

[+TenPercent]

Did you ever try to get your partner to watch porn with you, feeling like sharing this interest would be connecting?

In hindsight this sounds like trying to get your partner to smoke so that you could connect more if you both have bad breath. Or, it makes me think of when Lois Wilson got inebriated to show Bill W. just how awful his behaviour was only to find out that he thought it was a hoot. Or, it simply sounds like asking our partners to co-sign our bullshit.
That said, my addict mind thought about it and can totally relate to the idea that it might be connecting. For some people it probably has been - allowing them to communicate and explore sexual fantasies that they might not have been able to express otherwise.
And . . . I did watch porn, fairly vanilla stuff, with one girlfriend. How was I too explain that watching gorgeous people having sex in a "pirate" fantasy video was just barely scratching the surface of the stuff that I had fallen into?

Thanks to recovering Fapstronauts and the amazing SO's on here I am free from porn. I don't want choose to watch it myself and would never want to purposefully introduce any porn to my partner. Women, too can get addicted to porn and fantasy and I wouldn't wish this addiction on anyone. Its hard enough to navigate all the sexual content that shows up in mainstream movies and TV.

 

[Real Jerry Seinfeld]

I've never wanted to go there, I think it'd probably be quite awkward. To me, porn is literally just content for fapping, I would never sit and watch it or think about it during sex. I don't know if that's common or uncommon, but unless my hand is in my pants I basically don't think about it at all.

 

[Warfman]

I've never wanted to go there, I think it'd probably be quite awkward. To me, porn is literally just content for fapping, I would never sit and watch it or think about it during sex. I don't know if that's common or uncommon, but unless my hand is in my pants I basically don't think about it at all.

Same here. I know some struggle with images of P while having sex. That's something that has never crossed my mind.

 

[Deleted Account]

I even turned to porn, together and alone, and that was terrifying.

Please don’t feel pressure to answer anything you are not comfortable with, but I was curious about this statement. Was this because it was something he asked you to do or was it other reasons that you turned to porn?

 

[PixelPrincess]

I’m fine answering that. At first I think I was curious. And very lonely and frustrated myself. I thought hey, if he doesn’t care why should I. It was definitely a moment of weakness that turned into a few weeks of my own misuse. It became a few times a week almost immediately. As someone who has struggled with an addictive personality I just thought, holy shit I better not. Then I kind of mentioned it to him (at this point knowing he did it and wasn’t ready to quit, but unaware of his frequency). Then I suggested it as a couple activity because I thought he’d like it. I wanted his attention and to feel like sex used to feel- he had gotten really disinterested and what was probably PIED was happening. I thought maybe I had turned ugly and he needed help. Sounds dumb but I was horny and desperate for touch. He seemed interested and we did it a few times and I was super uncomfortable. I truly hate P. I think my openness about being uncomfortable kind of helped. And when he did mention it, I have to say I wasn’t surprised at all. I thought he was having an affair so I was pretty relieved. I forgave but immediately said it had to stop and I needed some time to think about a better response. A few days later, I asked him to get an AP and leave me out of it unless I asked. Then I expected complete honesty. I told him I was mostly hurt about the lying and it could not happen anymore. I was clear that I could obviously handle the truth, but the lying was tough. He did all of those things and so far I’ve seen some change. Except my own healing (which I’m keeping to myself since he’s doing his part) but very much struggling so I have been looking for support online.

Long answer. Thanks for asking!

 

[Deleted Account]

I’m fine answering that. At first I think I was curious. And very lonely and frustrated myself. I thought hey, if he doesn’t care why should I. It was definitely a moment of weakness that turned into a few weeks of my own misuse. It became a few times a week almost immediately. As someone who has struggled with an addictive personality I just thought, holy shit I better not. Then I kind of mentioned it to him (at this point knowing he did it and wasn’t ready to quit, but unaware of his frequency). Then I suggested it as a couple activity because I thought he’d like it. I wanted his attention and to feel like sex used to feel- he had gotten really disinterested and what was probably PIED was happening. I thought maybe I had turned ugly and he needed help. Sounds dumb but I was horny and desperate for touch. He seemed interested and we did it a few times and I was super uncomfortable. I truly hate P. I think my openness about being uncomfortable kind of helped. And when he did mention it, I have to say I wasn’t surprised at all. I thought he was having an affair so I was pretty relieved. I forgave but immediately said it had to stop and I needed some time to think about a better response. A few days later, I asked him to get an AP and leave me out of it unless I asked. Then I expected complete honesty. I told him I was mostly hurt about the lying and it could not happen anymore. I was clear that I could obviously handle the truth, but the lying was tough. He did all of those things and so far I’ve seen some change. Except my own healing (which I’m keeping to myself since he’s doing his part) but very much struggling so I have been looking for support online.

Long answer. Thanks for asking!

Thanks for the response.
I think I understand a little better now.
I guess I don’t often think of women having much of an interest in typical porn. I always think they are more inclined toward romance novels and bridgerton