Did you want your partner to watch porn?

[hope4healing]

The lying is the worst part. “This means more to me than you do” is probably a very unfair way to summarize this but it’s what it feels like. And even if they do deny it’s a problem, the impact of their use on our actual sex life is very noticeable. Is there a partner support group on here? I think I saw something that was inactive.

There is a support group you can join. @hope4healing I’m not sure how she joins? Lol

There is a private group for SO's. @PixelPrincess I'll send you an invitation to join.

 

[KevinesKay]

I’m fine answering that. At first I think I was curious. And very lonely and frustrated myself. I thought hey, if he doesn’t care why should I. It was definitely a moment of weakness that turned into a few weeks of my own misuse. It became a few times a week almost immediately. As someone who has struggled with an addictive personality I just thought, holy shit I better not. Then I kind of mentioned it to him (at this point knowing he did it and wasn’t ready to quit, but unaware of his frequency). Then I suggested it as a couple activity because I thought he’d like it. I wanted his attention and to feel like sex used to feel- he had gotten really disinterested and what was probably PIED was happening. I thought maybe I had turned ugly and he needed help. Sounds dumb but I was horny and desperate for touch. He seemed interested and we did it a few times and I was super uncomfortable. I truly hate P. I think my openness about being uncomfortable kind of helped. And when he did mention it, I have to say I wasn’t surprised at all. I thought he was having an affair so I was pretty relieved. I forgave but immediately said it had to stop and I needed some time to think about a better response. A few days later, I asked him to get an AP and leave me out of it unless I asked. Then I expected complete honesty. I told him I was mostly hurt about the lying and it could not happen anymore. I was clear that I could obviously handle the truth, but the lying was tough. He did all of those things and so far I’ve seen some change. Except my own healing (which I’m keeping to myself since he’s doing his part) but very much struggling so I have been looking for support online.

Long answer. Thanks for asking!

Thank you for sharing. And I have a question for all the women who watched P.
When watching it, were you lusting after the men in the vids, imagining that you were with that person?

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

Thank you for sharing. And I have a question for all the women who watched P.
When watching it, were you lusting after the men in the vids, imagining that you were with that person?

I never did. I imagined I looked as good as the woman and my husband wanted me. It really was a last ditch effort to try and get my husband interested in sex with me. For me, I don’t think the porn would’ve mattered, if our sex life was even somewhat decent. However, my csat said I was unusual in that regard. Most people ( not just women) do not like their partner using porn.

 

[Deleted Account]

I never did. I imagined I looked as good as the woman and my husband wanted me. It really was a last ditch effort to try and get my husband interested in sex with me. For me, I don’t think the porn would’ve mattered, if our sex life was even somewhat decent. However, my csat said I was unusual in that regard. Most people ( not just women) do not like their partner using porn.

Was this when you were watching with him or were you watching alone?

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

Was this when you were watching with him or were you watching alone?

I never watched alone once I married. I felt it was cheating him if I masturbated without him ( my body is his and vice versa per biblical teachings )

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

Thanks for the response.
I think I understand a little better now.
I guess I don’t often think of women having much of an interest in typical porn. I always think they are more inclined toward romance novels and bridgerton

lol because we have all been taught the lie that men are more visual. Women are every bit as visual but we have to be more discriminating. I hated romance novels and Bridgerton ( give me criminal minds and WW2 documentaries!) women are first attracted to looks but won’t put as much importance on just looks. Now that porn is so easily accessible in secret, more and more women are getting addicted. Now they can avoid the stigma society teaches us about our sexuality and be just as sexual as men without consequences ( per se).

 

[Deleted Account]

I never watched alone once I married. I felt it was cheating him if I masturbated without him ( my body is his and vice versa per biblical teachings )

Thanks for clarifying. That totally makes sense.

 

[Deleted Account]

lol because we have all been taught the lie that men are more visual. Women are every bit as visual but we have to be more discriminating.

I only have a real life sample size of one (my wife), but her version of visual is different from mine. I like to see her completely naked but she prefers more subtle things like tight jeans or seeing bulges through clothing or just a little bit of something hanging out somewhere. Especially if I’m making sexy pics for her. She has no interest in seeing images of private parts of anyone else. Basically she thinks the human body is ugly and doesn’t have a desire to look at it. But if she’s in the mood she is slightly more interested. So I guess I’m being unwise to compare every woman’s interests to hers.
I just know her version of turned on through visual is different from mine

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

I only have a real life sample size of one (my wife), but her version of visual is different from mine. I like to see her completely naked but she prefers more subtle things like tight jeans or seeing bulges through clothing or just a little bit of something hanging out somewhere. Especially if I’m making sexy pics for her. She has no interest in seeing images of private parts of anyone else. Basically she thinks the human body is ugly and doesn’t have a desire to look at it. But if she’s in the mood she is slightly more interested. So I guess I’m being unwise to compare every woman’s interests to hers.
I just know her version of turned on through visual is different from mine

Totally agree! I love 501 jeans and either no shirt or white! Lol. Still visual but I like my imagination better than a totally naked man.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

Totally agree! I love 501 jeans and either no shirt or white! Lol. Still visual but I like my imagination better than a totally naked man.

White t shirt!

 

[PixelPrincess]

Romance novels are female porn lol. We get to imagine a perfect man that doesn’t do anything wrong, and when he does it’s totally hot anyway!

And yeah, sad as it is… the passion of the man for the woman was the reason I watched. And it was so sad It felt like if I couldn’t turn him on, maybe someone else could. Now that I’ve been outside of the situation for a bit I can see that my dignity is worth far more and I don’t have to think that way no matter what he does. But I do think I’ve seen signs of change and it makes me feel a lot more safe. I know it’s not a permanent state of being and there may be some hiccups along the way.

 

[Deleted Account]

Now that I’ve been outside of the situation for a bit I can see that my dignity is worth far more and I don’t have to think that way no matter what he does. But I do think I’ve seen signs of change and it makes me feel a lot more safe. I know it’s not a permanent state of being and there may be some hiccups along the way.

All I can say from my own experience and from being on this site and listening to a lot of podcasts is if he wants to change because it’s what he wants for himself, there’s a chance. If he’s changing for you it won’t last. I guess it’s that is true of any change though, not just porn addiction.
I’m glad you are looking for support for your own healing though. Not depending on his progress to heal you.

 

[Meshuga]

Romance novels are female porn lol.

I've been saying this for years.

My passion on this subject might appear disproportionate, but my educational background is heavy in literature and contemporary fiction, with a cross section of deep antipathy for porn. I've heard a lot of pushback on this claim, that romance fiction is analogous with porn, mostly from women. Some are weirdly defensive from a "sex positive" angle, saying porn is porn, erotica is written porn, and women enjoy both separately from romance novels. I already understand these are different genres, and that women are perfectly capable of enjoying visual media, the physical aspects of romantic relationships, and/or straight up lust. I do not claim visual porn is not porn for women, or that romance fiction is the exact same form as erotica and should carry similar stigma. I am claiming romance fiction is the same in too many aspects of function as porn to ignore, and I think if men and women both could recognize how at best, both porn and romance fiction are cringe inducing, and at worst introduce serious problems in real world relationships, that we could understand the other's contempt for our favorite vice-media a little better.

I started to go into a rant but I won't post it. Suffice it to say, I dislike romance fiction, possibly to an irrational degree, and I find it hypocritical of women to defend romance fiction for their own use while RIGHTFULLY condemning porn for themselves and their husbands/boyfriends/men in general. I fully acknowledge written media does not physically exploit real world men in the same way visual porn physically exploits real world girls and women, and for that reason alone it is appropriate to hate visual porn and the people who produce it more than romance fiction and the authors that write it. However, when it comes to heaping contempt on the people who consume either, I find the condemnation lopsided.

I have opinions.

 

[Warfman]

I never did. I imagined I looked as good as the woman and my husband wanted me. It really was a last ditch effort to try and get my husband interested in sex with me. For me, I don’t think the porn would’ve mattered, if our sex life was even somewhat decent. However, my csat said I was unusual in that regard. Most people ( not just women) do not like their partner using porn.

I 100 percent feel as you in two ways. 1. If the sex life is good the issues (we had didn't matter) at least not nearly as much. 2. When I found intimate videos of my wife that she had sent to an ex, and has never wanted to do with me, I felt as you describe. I wanted her to desire me like "THAT". Maybe it was envy with a dash of jealousy. I just know I wanted to feel desired, and that experience told me that I wasn't enough. That was the main emotion I had, and still have at times when thinking of that stuff.

 

[Deleted Account]

Looking back I'm pretty certain one of my serious ex's probably has/had a p addiction, just based on behavior etc. You're thread has me asking... Had she initiated would I have gone along with it? probably... But I think a lot of that would have been due to nice guy syndrome and going along to get along. If I try to feel what I think I would have felt in those moments I probably would have felt weird about it after.

This hit home for me. I had an ex (one of those "it's complicated" relationships) who wanted me to watch P with her. I had told her about my problem with P, but she never cared about it. Even said she thought P use was normal for men. I've never felt that way about P, personally. Deep down in my conscience I always felt this internal judgment that P was disordered. That it was anti-love. When she asked me to watch it with her, I took it as a red-flag that our relationship was headed in a bad direction. Ding ding, I was right.

 

[Warfman]

This hit home for me. I had an ex (one of those "it's complicated" relationships) who wanted me to watch P with her. I had told her about my problem with P, but she never cared about it. Even said she thought P use was normal for men. I've never felt that way about P, personally. Deep down in my conscience I always felt this internal judgment that P was disordered. That it was anti-love. When she asked me to watch it with her, I took it as a red-flag that our relationship was headed in a bad direction. Ding ding, I was right.

At least back at that time.. my use was very much a "looking forward" to a sexual intimacy with a single partner. That was my fantasy, unlike many of my friends I didn't want lots of notches on my belt. Though I do think culture and p use altered how I lived my life. But for me, I didn't want the p, I wanted the passion with a real woman, one woman, the one I married. P was a cheap substitute, that I used rather than wait and value the real thing. That's my big mistake, fell for the same lie that most do. That I could stop whenever I wanted.

 

[Deleted Account]

At least back at that time.. my use was very much a "looking forward" to a sexual intimacy with a single partner. That was my fantasy, unlike many of my friends I didn't want lots of notches on my belt. Though I do think culture and p use altered how I lived my life. But for me, I didn't want the p, I wanted the passion with a real woman, one woman, the one I married. P was a cheap substitute, that I used rather than wait and value the real thing. That's my big mistake, fell for the same lie that most do. That I could stop whenever I wanted.

You touch on a lot of things that are common to me as well. All I've ever wanted is one woman to love and cherish for my entire life. I credit this view to the example my grandparents gave me when I was child growing up under their roof. They lived during a time prior to the 60's "sexual revolution" and were each others first and only. You could say I grew up seeing the power of that type of love and commitment, so I've always held it as the gold standard.

 

[PixelPrincess]

Yes, romcoms are a stain just like porn. I agree actually. I notice myself getting wrapped up into things like Bridgerton and making these comparisons. Like how the men are sooooo romantic and masculine and always know the right thing to do blah blah. And so lusty and handsome too! Then I find myself getting upset that MY man isn’t like that. Then I get grumpy!! It’s the most ridiculous feeling. I try to stay away from stuff like that now, especially when I’m having a rough day or something. I see women on social media (in book lit posts) who openly lust after fictional characters or spend more time in this fictional world than the real word. How is that not destructive? Are there not jobs and kids and health and self improvement goals and positive relaxation to put that time into?

P makes women seem (and feel) less than. The fairy tale crap women latch on to make men seem (and feel) less than. Obviously P is a billion dollar industry with vicious intentions, but other industries are made to attack men as well. I mean look at how divorces impact men… surely it’s not hard to see how unrealistic expectations from fairy tales lead to wives being disillusioned and thinking there’s better options elsewhere. Hot take, but men are disproportionately screwed when they get divorced, way more often than we talk about as a society.

I seriously don’t understand why people can’t see that there is a large scale war on the family. We’re all so caught up in “men are this” and “women are that” to realize that we’re all hurt and we just want to connect with the people we love.

 

[Deleted Account]

Yes, romcoms are a stain just like porn. I agree actually. I notice myself getting wrapped up into things like Bridgerton and making these comparisons. Like how the men are sooooo romantic and masculine and always know the right thing to do blah blah. And so lusty and handsome too! Then I find myself getting upset that MY man isn’t like that. Then I get grumpy!! It’s the most ridiculous feeling. I try to stay away from stuff like that now, especially when I’m having a rough day or something. I see women on social media (in book lit posts) who openly lust after fictional characters or spend more time in this fictional world than the real word. How is that not destructive? Are there not jobs and kids and health and self improvement goals and positive relaxation to put that time into?

P makes women seem (and feel) less than. The fairy tale crap women latch on to make men seem (and feel) less than. Obviously P is a billion dollar industry with vicious intentions, but other industries are made to attack men as well. I mean look at how divorces impact men… surely it’s not hard to see how unrealistic expectations from fairy tales lead to wives being disillusioned and thinking there’s better options elsewhere. Hot take, but men are disproportionately screwed when they get divorced, way more often than we talk about as a society.

I seriously don’t understand why people can’t see that there is a large scale war on the family. We’re all so caught up in “men are this” and “women are that” to realize that we’re all hurt and we just want to connect with the people we love.

It is true that women have been and still are horribly abused. And men don’t have it easy either.

 

[PixelPrincess]

It is true that women have been and still are horribly abused. And men don’t have it easy either.

wish I could like this twice. A good man is a gift and I wish you guys had that encouragement from society and women more often.