Did you want your partner to watch porn?

[Warfman]

I'm not interested in helping you. I don't give a shit about the addicts. You all already got yours. I'm here to support other betrayed, abused, and lied to partners and to let them know they're not crazy and that no, they don't have to believe the shit their SO spouts and they probably also shouldn't believe you. If they can't stay if their worst assumptions are true, they should try to leave if they haven't been trapped by kids yet, because their worst assumption is probably the tip of the iceberg.

Then stay off addicts journals.

 

[CrushedandLeaving]

Then stay off addicts journals.

I'm not in the journal section. There is a whole-ass section for journals that I literally never open. I have learned not to.

 

[Warfman]

I'm not in the journal section. There is a whole-ass section for journals that I literally never open. I have learned not to.

You know specifically what I'm talking about. There are many threads that are journals or threads of the like that are not in the journal section, why post on them? You don't want to help them.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

That was me. I refuse to be cheated on with thousands of women on screen for years and then just.... Put up with it. I can do better than someone who doesn't care about me enough to do the relationship basic of fidelity. It really didn't matter if he never did it again, he already did it. You don't get to just fuck off and forget about your spouse for years and then suddenly decide that you want a happy relationship when you already ruined hers.

The part of me that hurts can relate with this. But. Let me tell you , and I think if you look at your life you might actually agree. My husband had a miserable life. He did not “ get his” so to speak. I’ve been with him 37 years. I could never understand why he was so unhappy, so depressed, so moody. He couldn’t buy enough shit. Was always trying new hobbies. Even really great things in our life couldn’t make him happy. He missed out on so much joy. He missed out on so much life. True joy, true contentment come from our relationships. Thats why the opposite of addiction is connection. I focused on my life, my relationships and I have loved almost everything about my life. I grieved the marriage, and moved on. I have amazing relationships with my kids, my family of origin, my friends. I have a really good relationship with my husband, it’s never been terrible but since recovery it’s been really really good. I do not think he had it better than I did. I know he had it much much worse. It was his own doing, but until you know better you can’t do better.

 

[PixelPrincess]

The part of me that hurts can relate with this. But. Let me tell you , and I think if you look at your life you might actually agree. My husband had a miserable life. He did not “ get his” so to speak. I’ve been with him 37 years. I could never understand why he was so unhappy, so depressed, so moody. He couldn’t buy enough shit. Was always trying new hobbies. Even really great things in our life couldn’t make him happy. He missed out on so much joy. He missed out on so much life. True joy, true contentment come from our relationships. Thats why the opposite of addiction is connection. I focused on my life, my relationships and I have loved almost everything about my life. I grieved the marriage, and moved on. I have amazing relationships with my kids, my family of origin, my friends. I have a really good relationship with my husband, it’s never been terrible but since recovery it’s been really really good. I do not think he had it better than I did. I know he had it much much worse. It was his own doing, but until you know better you can’t do better.

That really helped me too. I’m struggling with anger today and needed this reminder.

 

[Starling]

I think too that reasons for using are different and change over time due to circumstances. Early on for me it was wanting to play catch-up, I felt insecure that my high school gf was more "experienced than I was". So that was a very key motivation for me. My curiosity level was extremely high as well.

I am not trying to brag or anything, so please understand that's not my intent. I've never had trouble getting women interested in me. I think that's played a major factor for me personally on why I haven't struggled with images of P while having sex with anyone. I don't know how to say it to not sound egotistical.. but maybe because I had my choice with real life partners this wasn't an issue? Honestly I don't know.

I'm fortunate that I married the girl I found most attractive in my entire life. I remember the day like it was yesterday, and yes even though we are aging and changing I don't see her any less attractive physically than I did when we were teenagers. Recently we've been going through old pictures and it's been reminding my of this experience.

Because of this I think comparison of beauty just isn't on my radar like it may be others, and honestly that's perfectly ok, each person's struggles are uniquely theirs. My p use was coping with things like, feeling disconnected, my toxic shame, my near death experience, breakups, Insecurity, feeling good enough and what not. It wasn't about comparing the best body parts it was about feeling better about whatever issue I was dealing with. And yes, there's been more than a few times where literally it was simply eye contact... Especially when feeling neglected whether I was justified to feel that way or not.

My husband also used porn to cope with his feelings, whatever they were anxiety, boredom, stress, depression. Meanwhile, I had no idea about what he felt. He didn't come to me to talk, or to cope with the feelings by having sex with me. He went to them instead. Even if it wasn't about lust after the other women, it would hurt a lot. And let's not fool anyone, jacking off to beautiful women, is sexual and full of lust. Whatever the initial feelings that "made" you watch porn were.

 

[Warfman]

My husband also used porn to cope with his feeling, whatever they were anxiety, boredom, stress, depression. Meanwhile, I had no idea aboit what he felt. He didn't come to me to talk, or to cope with the feelings by having sex with me. He went to them instead. Even if it wasn't about lust after the other women, it would hurt a lot. And let's not fool anyone, jacking off to beautiful women, is sexual and full of lust. Whatever the initiql feelings that "made" you watch porn were.

Yes, that's something that takes time to process and accept. That one can do something and not intend to hurt others. Yet realize that actions can hurt others never the less, and for it to be 100 percent the truth. There's lots of examples of this but it's so very prevalent in the porn topic. I'm not denying that at all. Nothing has set me off more than when my wife told me it wasn't her intention to hurt me in ways she did, and then never apologize for the actions. That phrase in itself feels like an invalidating statement. The " I'm sorry you were hurt" apologies make my skin crawl. So I do get how that can be perceived that way. Please understand that's not what I'm intending to convey.

As I said before, it was losing myself in lustful fantasy. So lust was a major factor. Just so we are on the same page there.

As far as beautiful women in p. I guess each to their own. But IMHO p ruins the beauty of most women in it. I can think of many women that I found attractive that had surgeries and then I didn't anymore. I just don't get why our culture finds that stuff attractive.

As I also said, I think that the reasons for use also can change over time. I think that my use may have had more of the stereotypical lust to it when I was single.

Eventually it developed into a very emotionless place. There was no joy of fantasy, there was no thrill, it was simply escape the depression I was experiencing, escape the side effects of medications, escape the conflict with my wife, etc. It honestly sucked, as they say it often takes an addict to hit rock bottom to pull themselves out of that. I was in that place. I remember really struggling for some time during that phase. There was very little love, joy, or happiness in my life then.

To try and tie that to the subject of this thread. I didn't want anyone with me in that space. I think shame was a big part of not saying anything over my life. But at that point when things were truly bad, I wanted nobody to know what I was going through, so watching p with my partner would have done no good.

 

[Susannah]

This is exactly why I'll never date a man again. I don't actually believe this is naturally how men are. I think this is socially drafted into them, but I want nothing to do with it ever again. It's just women for me now. I wish women all had the ability of a vaguer sexual preference to just cut men who feel that way out and date other women. Send a message that the creepiness and disrespect won't be tolerated anymore and then follow through. God did not make people, men or women, to be the way you describe.

Agree with you on a couple of points here. 1) There is a general tendency to downplay or ignore what I believe are the tremendous social and historical forces that have shaped what gets called "natural behavior". We are very far from a natural state. I'm not saying there are no real differences, but I do think women probably have as much incentive to visually evaluate the physical health of a potential mate as do men, and it seems obvious that it is equally important for us to notice snakes.
2) I too, wish that women would, en masse, send that message and follow through.

 

[legendracer79]

I don't mind him watching porn on its own. The issue is that watching porn is what led to him needing to masturbate always after watching it. He can generally control his urge to masturbate without porn, but as soon as he watched it he got so aroused that he couldn't resist masturbating to an orgasm.

 

[+TenPercent]

What does your partner do to cope with that? How does she go anywhere with you if that risk exists?

How does she cope with my wandering eye? My masturbation addiction?
I think you’re asking about the first. My guess is that it’s not that obvious. Most of what I’m feeling and experiencing is within my body and my head. Most of it is shame for being aroused by other women. Only once has she caught me and called me out on it.
Perhaps she doesn’t have the strongest sixth sense. She’s more grounded while I’m the sensitive one to ‘vibes’ and ‘energy’ including hauntings.
I’m often amazed at how often women sense that I am looking at them. I’ll notice their breasts … and then they cover themselves up. I feel ashamed for that.
I try not to be a creep. I try to focus on my partner or on non-sexual things. But sometimes the stimulus is overwhelming, or I am particularly weak, and the outfits I see can be VERY alluring.

 

[Real Jerry Seinfeld]

How does she cope with my wandering eye? My masturbation addiction?
I think you’re asking about the first. My guess is that it’s not that obvious. Most of what I’m feeling and experiencing is within my body and my head. Most of it is shame for being aroused by other women. Only once has she caught me and called me out on it.
Perhaps she doesn’t have the strongest sixth sense. She’s more grounded while I’m the sensitive one to ‘vibes’ and ‘energy’ including hauntings.
I’m often amazed at how often women sense that I am looking at them. I’ll notice their breasts … and then they cover themselves up. I feel ashamed for that.
I try not to be a creep. I try to focus on my partner or on non-sexual things. But sometimes the stimulus is overwhelming, or I am particularly weak, and the outfits I see can be VERY alluring.

I don't know your situation but maybe she notices and doesn't mind all that much? My missus doesn't care if I look, and I look a lot.

 

[Wuugazi32]

Wondering how a lot of addicts and their partners have felt about porn.
Did you ever try to get your partner to watch porn with you, feeling like sharing this interest would be connecting? Did any of the SOs want to watch but felt betrayed when they weren’t included? Or did everyone just have same boundaries from the beginning. Hiding, lying, and shame?

My wife still watches it, but rarely and not as often as I do.