Didn't want to tell my story

Well....I have only been a registered member of this site for a few days. It was suggested to me that I should share my story with others to perhaps inspire others to try and work things out in their marriages....I said I would share my story soon, but had too fresh of wounds to do it now....

#1 DANG...I have learned to really duck and dodge over the past 22 years, amazing how I can rationalize not sharing my story. So, I got to thinking, why don't I want to share my story? Immediately I think, why do I have to work at ANYTHING anymore with this...this is NOT my problem, what do I owe anyone else.....then I stop and say WOW......there you go again, so busy being the victim that I neglect to see the benefit of the advice I was given.

Ok, so here's my story in a nutshell, cause that is the best I can do right now...stay tuned for updates as I will be sure to use this thread as an ongoing diary of events from the wife of a porn addict's perspective...

My husband and I met in the restaurant industry in 1996......we were both very well liked, both known as the people that got along with everyone and would do anything for anyone. We were both VERY good at our jobs, I was a server, he was a saute chef. The perfect couple right?

A great courtship ensued and everyone at the restaurant were thrilled we were together, the perfect couple. We had both been broken in relationships, and wanted nothing more than to hold on tight to one another. I had NO IDEA about his porn addiction at the time.

Fast forward a move to NY together and over a year in the relationship, I stumbled across his nasty secrets in our internet history. It was addressed and I essentially moved on, including a wedding with him.

Fast forward again and again....it seemed to be an annual event that I found out, yet he was using much more than that. He has told me that the longest he has been clean from PMO is 6 months.

The lies, objectification, and overall manipulation are the worst for me, and how it is so acceptable in today's society. You can't drive down a main highway without seeing an adult store every 10 miles. It isn't just the internet, it is a culture, devoid, of an appreciation for the intimacy of a relationship (heterosexual or otherwise). I mean, porn addicts I believe face the devil at every turn and there are countless ways to rationalize the behavior.

Now with that being said, COME ON PEOPLE GET REAL.........how do NOT see how you hurt your significant other and WHY DO YOU STAY in the relationship AND USE? What causes this need to punish yourselves AND your significant other that wants nothing more than some real intimacy.

So after 22 years what the heck and I still doing here? Well, isn't that the million dollar question......the reasons vary throughout the years...initially it was because I was a massive codependent. I would like to see myself now as a codependent in recovery and have been for at least 10 years. Also, my husband is a beautiful man that has suffered unimaginable harm as a child....(NO EXCUSE BY THE WAY)....H is also my best friend, we share so many things in common and really enjoy spending time together.

So there it is, my root analysis, why do I fight for this relationship? Because I understand, through YEARS of communication through various professional and personal formats, that this disease is NOT a reflection of WHO HE IS...but WHO HE BECAME as a result of many traumatic circumstances.

So...does this mean I can hold on forever and accept the way things are...NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.........inevitably we have to be responsible for OUR OWN ACTIONS...and that includes me staying in this relationship.

There are not great secrets to success here....it is a decision that has unique circumstances for every individual.....the key is being directly tapped into your own emotions and not being afraid to share them with your spouse, regardless of whether it helps them become better manipulators or not, yeah....that is something I learned over the years...the more I shared with him, the better he got a hiding his secrets and manipulating me. Irregardless, sharing your emotions in a respectful way is THE ONLY way you stand a chance.

So...what does the future hold for my husband and I...well, right this second we are still married....and I am praying.....he appears to be working a solid program....

 

I get it, I get why you want to stay, I get why you contemplating leaving. I left. I chose to leave bc I realized that he was not ready, and his underlying issue is about avoiding emotional intimacy. He can't get close, can't open up. And I thought about what a lifetime would be like with him, even if he abstained from his addiction. In my particular situation, I realized that leaving now was better than waiting years and suffering. I left while we were engaged, realizing the time was now. If we had married, I am not sure what I would do. Thank you for posting your story and opening up. It really does help others.

 

Once2Many I really appreciate you sharing your experience. There are many days I play the "shouldda, wouldda, couldda, game with myself." This is dangerous business for me, I made the choice to stay, and continue to do so, and I need to own that, just like you have owned leaving. The circumstances really are truly unique to every individual, I don't think there is right answer here, as long as you are paying attention to your own feelings. My husband has been able to open up emotionally over the years, the question then becomes, is it real or just a manipulation tactic?! Jury is still out on that one Tough stuff here, this disease truly is a beast unlike any I have ever seen, there are no societal consequences, in fact, society by and large encourages porn and the false relationship the addict establishes with it to escape and deal is more powerful than anything I have ever seen. Again, none of these reasons are excuses for his behavior.....

 

A lot of good things....not that there hasn't been in the past, but notable good things. He pushes to express himself, he does not cower in shame, he recognizes my pain in a more intense way than I have seen in years. Can I "buy in" so to speak, no. Does that mean I dismiss his actions, NO. My prayers continue to get more specific as times goes on. His reboot started long before I knew "officially", yeah I decided long ago if I didn't have specific proof I was not making any assumptions, regardless of what I felt. So I am officially two weeks into having official proof he was using again. Right now my biggest fear.....I KNOW I am NOT going to be ready to be intimate with him when his 90 day is complete. I have stated that we need to "start over", with date nights and getting to know each other, on a real level. Guess at the end of the day, if his recovery is real, he will certainly understand.

 

I wish you all the best. I hope he can continue to dedicate himself to recovery and to you

 

Thank you Once2Many...I also pray he chooses the right path. At the end of the day, I realize, I am NOT responsible for his behavior, I can only offer support in the ways I am able. I really can't say what I would do if he relapses, I am so far beyond giving ultimatums.

 

Had some heavy conversation tonight. Amazing how I see clearly now. I recognize the "stinking thinking" and it gives me anxiety that he will never change because of it. Then I take a breath, say a prayer, and realize he didn't get this way overnight, he certainly isn't going to change overnight. It is going to be a long process, and his elimination of "stinking thinking" is going to take time. On the up side, I called him to the table on it and he appeared to be receptive, recognizing what he was doing. Either way, I am feeling stronger and stronger every day.

 

[QUOTEI agree with the post above. Just reading your story and wishing the best for you both. I think your attitude and approach is solid. I know it is terribly difficult emotionally, but you are at least approaching a resolution one way or the other. Much love for you from the NoFap community.[/QUOTE]

Thank you so much Strength And Light, it is so affirming to hear that. Much love from myself to you and the NoFap community! So blessed!

 

Another step in the process complete....had a GREAT job interview with a new organization. The current company I work for, my SIL does as well, and this not an ideal situation for me considering the circumstances and fact my husband's family is NOT supportive at all, they feel has no problem what so ever. So, to be able to detach from this situation would be very beneficial for me. I realize I have had, and continue to have to, make very difficult decisions as a result of this circumstance. No regrets, I need to very selfish about my recovery, as does my husband. For me, that is detaching from all things that do not support our mission of recovery. It is also about establishing my career, FOR ME, and that means taking on a larger role for a different organization. Ahhhh, my war room is FILLED with prayers, and God is good, I am getting exactly what I need, exactly when I need it.

 

GOD IS GOOD! Testing and second round of interviewing scheduled for this exciting new job opportunity for me. Continuing my war room prayers and basking in God's peace. Told my husband tonight, "no more rolling around in the mud for me....seeing very clear.....he agreed and said "it is a waste of time"......seems like progress to me

 

I think you're saying all the right things in your journal, from the SO's perspective. You're acknowledging that this is a disease that he's struggling with, yet you're not letting that be an excuse or a crutch. You say that you need to take care of yourself at the same time, and you see the futility of issuing ultimatums. You're also admitting how hard it is to tell your story but you still have the guts to go it anyway I'm rooting for you guys and I'm looking forward to following along with you as you make this journey.

 

[QUOTE="Jen@8675309 I'm looking forward to following along with you as you make this journey.[/QUOTE]

I sincerely appreciate the support Jen@8675309, really means a lot! Affirmation is also a necessary part of the journey and you are helping me, so thank you!

 

Humble...grateful....peaceful......It is really so magnificent how untouchable my moods are getting, how much space is freeing up in my thinking, despite what is going on around me. Noticing this at work, in EVERYTHING I do.....thank you God for bestowing Your grace upon me!

 

I'm glad that you're finding some peace as you deal with this process

 

[QUOTE I'm glad that you're finding some peace as you deal with this process [/QUOTE]

Thank you Jen@8675309, it only took me 22 years to get to this place too

 

I realize I have my triggers too. That is the really difficult part of this process, determining what is a legitimate feeling (they say trust your gut), and what is a feeling generated by a trigger. My husband's family is up to their typical tricks. Passive aggressively reaching out to him, trying to feel out where he and I are. His sister is the one to usually do this (and was the one to do this today), although it has also been done by his aunt and uncle as well and many other family members throughout the years. He reached out to me and asked me how he should handle it, I told him he should keep our personal life out of the conversation and simply stick to telling her to tell the person she saw that knew him (she sees this person every month so why this month is so different...well you know it isn't about that anyways) hi. So that, and some aloof behavior from my husband, has my brain reeling. So, I excused myself to my War Room and I prayed. I am back to feeling grounded again, but am not real enthusiastic about talking to my husband on any level right now. I expressed my feelings to him, and of course, got the same "I'm sorry" and nothing more. This only makes matters worse for me, so I realize I would have been better off not saying anything and just kept it to prayer. God is good!