Die alone

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Nan0nymous, Sep 29, 2021.

  1. Nan0nymous

    Nan0nymous Fapstronaut

    I will die alone.
    It's a fact. It's just a hard pill to swallow.
    And I just can't fully accept it. I can't. No matter how hard I try, there always seems to be just enough hope to keep me thinking that maybe the next person is the right one. Maybe that person will take away the loneliness.
    And it's never the one. There is no 'one' and 'true'.
    No matter where I go, how many bars or different places I visit. There is no one out there for me.
    I've been alone for my whole life and nothing will change that.
    Yet I still keep thinking that this friend won't abandon me or that he'll understand me, but they always leave. Or that maybe she will be my girlfriend and my family but she never gives me a chance.
    It's not that I'm ugly, I don't believe I am(right now anyways), it's not that I have a horrible personlaity or some kind of disorder, it's just how it should be I guess. God chose this lonely path for me it seems like.

    I have a friend from college, complete stoner and kind of a fuckup. He got married a month ago. I'm 20 years old and I haven't even held hands with a female in my entire life. How do you think that makes me feel?
    I want to move on from feeling like I'm missing out on something great, I want to move on from this need of a deep connection with someone. And I'm not only talking about female partners, friends in general. I don't want to be in need of a friend.
    I want to just keep my focus on doing my thing and that's it but it just sometimes gets to me. This feeling of complete alienation and loneliness sometimes gets me to do dumb compulsive things. And don't get me wrong, I do interact with people, I do talk to them and hang out but in the end I feel lonelier with some people than if I was by myself.
    Anyways I think most of the people here won't get it, I just wanted to let this all out of my head.
    20 yo khv
    determined99 likes this.
  2. determined99

    determined99 Fapstronaut

    I got it. Bro, you are saying I don't want to be in need for people. It's not a bad thing, but you may think it means 'People actually don't care each other, they can't understand each other.' The latter idea is the horrible and it's the one you are probably can't accept. It's wrong, people have empathy, they can truly care each other.

    'I don't need anyone's care' doesn't mean 'People in fact don't care each other.'

    Right now maybe you don't have friends, people who can understand you. But you can make someone like you feel good showing them there is someone in life they can relate to. Life is only meaningful with compassion.

    Sorry for my poor vocabulary.
    Billybrasco, 88991s and Nan0nymous like this.
  3. I get it. A lot of us feel this way to some degree or another. It reflects a misunderstanding of the extent to which other people have the power to improve how you feel about yourself. People are only interested in what you have to offer them. You are only worth to others what you are worth to yourself.

    Cultivate yourself, big time, all day everyday. Take 90% of the time you spend looking at screens and use it for other things. Here’s a list of things I’ve tried this year:

    1) Soccer (hated it)
    2) Volleyball (loved it)
    3) Metal working (nifty)
    4) 12 Step meetings (I have a history that makes this appropriate)
    5) Exercise classes (this is next)

    Sooner or later you will start to converge your time and attention on to things you like to do. Any and all relationships will arise out of your dedication to living the life that increases your own personal sense of freedom and purpose. This is how you attract people into your life. Don’t put the cart before the horse. It isn’t about the other people. It’s about you living the life you want. The approval and permission of others is not required.

    In general, you are correct. No one else cares about your problems or your feelings because they are too busy with their own. If you can accept and act in accordance with that fact you will find it liberating.
    Nan0nymous likes this.
  4. Nan0nymous

    Nan0nymous Fapstronaut

    It's not that I'm some kind of shut-in with no life. I was for a time but now I'm serving in the army. I like to run, I read some literature, I have my passions and it's all just something I do. It's not like if I run a marathon(which I'm actively working on) people are going to fall from the sky to get to know me. Guess what happens in that perspective? Absolutely nothing. I mean, I do get a lot pleasure from achieving goals that I've set (and I do have a lot of goals) but I don't see how any of them will make me not feel the pain from years of complete alienation and loneliness.
    I don't use my screen that often, it's about half an hour in the morning and before bed and for like 10 minute breaks during the day, I'm pretty serious about my phone usage in that regard. Stopped watching youtube about a year ago, never had any social media (you can guess why).
    I don't know, I think I'm doing alright in my life except having meaningful people that care that's why it feels like I'm meant to be alone. Yeah, when I was jerking off and scrolling 4chan all day I could tell why I have no friends or a girlfriend but now I can't afford that kind of life and still nothing changed in regards to deep connections with people.
  5. Hmm, it’s good to know you’ve got productive ways to spend your time. I can relate to how you feel. What is it that you are wanting out of life and from other people in particular? How many of your hobbies bring you into contact with other people? I only recently (about 5 months ago maybe) stepped out of the 4chan/YouTube/PHub/videogame prison so you might have a tad more insight than I do. Could be that you want something from other people that we don’t have to give. I look at my life and my struggle with the same feelings you are describing and that’s what I see in myself: a want for other people to make me feel okay. It’s embarrassingly childish but if I’m honest that’s what it is. The more I see it the more I work my way out of it.
  6. Nan0nymous

    Nan0nymous Fapstronaut

    I want simple things. I want to belong, I want for someone to ask me what's up when I'm down and actually care for an answer. Whenever I hang out with someone, it's always me who calls it, whenever I text with someone, it always me who starts the conversation and if I stop taking initiative, all people eventually fade away like I never existed for them.
    In regards to youtube and shit like that, I just don't find it interesting anymore. Youtube is ruined basically because there's little authenticity left and the authentic and sincere channels keep getting banned for bullshit reasons. Phub unironically is also dead but also I guess it was never 'alive' or a good place for me anyways. Videogames I'd still play occasionally if I could but only the old ones or indies, I think they can be fun and some of them could be insightful. 4chan I left not long ago and I kinda miss that absolute gutter of the internet cause it's the only place where I felt like I belong, because a lot of people there are also as lonely as I am and it's sincere. It's ruined cause of normalfags but don't wanna talk about that here.
    Getting rid of all that is good for you but I'd advice against completely leaving stuff you like behind, the 'no fun allowed' mindset of the self-improovers crowd is harmful i think.
    E31 likes this.
  7. E31

    E31 Fapstronaut

    I totally get you and the way you feel.
    But I wish you have a long and fullfiling live, and with you being 20 yo the chances are high.
    So for your own sake, don't phrase it like that. It might feel like that right now but there is so much time.
    And it seems that you are using it wisely right now, to achieve what you want for yourself and no one else.
    What can your stoner friend say for himself in terms of achievements and developement? He got high and then married, big deal.
    Do you know if he's happy?
    It's really hard to not get this feeling that people don't want something to do with you, but it gets a self fullfilling prophecy quickly, where you only see it that way and might not even realize all the girls that are looking at you, thinking to themselves " If I only had the courage to get to know him" or "no way this amazing guy would even want to talk to the uninteresting person I am".
    And thats not even some stupid cheer up talk, soooo many people out there are too afraight to connect or feel insufficient.
    You are the sufficient confident guy, lead them ;)
    Buddhism Is True and Nan0nymous like this.
  8. We are in the same boat. The closest friend I have I play Wingspan with on switch once or twice each week on average. We usually chat on the phone during. And that’s it. Everyone else I know I don’t see all the regularly and it’s the same situation, if I don’t reach out I don’t hear from them. My working theory is that if you aren’t a man with a lot to offer and good at offering what you have then you aren’t much of a man at all. That is to say that people don’t know or care about your life. It isn’t any more personal than the lion eating the gazelle, or the gazelle outrunning the lion. It’s just the way things are. It’s incredibly upsetting for those of us who grew up as part of the “self esteem” generation but we can’t change that.

    I still think the answer lays in personal cultivation though that is difficult to do without good examples to follow and some companions to motivate and encourage you.

    If you want to chat more feel free to DM. Maybe we can connect on switch (if you’ve got one) and then I have two friends I can relax and game with for an hour or so each evening.
    Nan0nymous likes this.
  9. Nan0nymous

    Nan0nymous Fapstronaut

    I guess you're right man, it just gets to me sometimes.
    I went down this path cause other ones are not 'me' and loneliness can get painful, i stray from this path because of it sometimes, it gets hard that's all I can say honestly.
    No one told me it would be easy I guess
  10. JoeinUSA

    JoeinUSA Fapstronaut

    You're too young to worry about dying alone. Much can happen between now and then. Or, is your real grief that you think you'll always be and live alone. Again, much can happen in the years ahead. Just work on being the best single man you can be now - adjusted and with all your addictions conquered. Then, you'll be ready for that relationship - you'll even draw such a relationship to yourself. Think of it as a privilege that you have this time now to prepare yourself for a relationship that won't be needy, immature, or codependent, and you'll want to select a partner who is none of these things, too. Best!
    Billybrasco likes this.
  11. jcl1990

    jcl1990 Fapstronaut

    I think people feel this way because we do not properly understand the concept of “time”

    time is passing right now. But we do not properly understand it I do not think. One day we wake up feeling good, another day we wake up with a headache. Why do the days differ so much? What is actually going on?

    there may be many days of nothingness, complete boredom, isolation. But time is just passing in these moments. Maybe these moments of suffering are payment you are making now for a future reward.

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