Disappinted by my AP, dont know what to do

Discussion in 'Accountability Partners' started by whitelion41, Aug 15, 2021.

  1. whitelion41

    whitelion41 Fapstronaut

    Its 0400 I cant sleep, I dont know what to do except using this forum.
    Its going to be a sad post but what can I do, I prefer to be honest than to start using again. And sure I am very close to it now, as I feel depressed and lonely in this struggle.

    I joined this forum, 10 days ago. In the last few days I felt in a sort of a HIGH which I new its fake or at least that its temporary. I started writing here a lot and even got people replaying to my request for AP - but both of them are gone now, and at least with one of them, I still have hope.
    Yes, I might be overdramatic but that is how I feel.

    The first guy met me in one of my regular chat rooms. As usual I was looking for my daily 'catch' of perverts and twisted guys for an endless tiring edging session. Suddenly, i see this guy writing: "contact me if you are interested to quit porn addiction". It was the right time, I was excatly at a 48 hors binge of complete misery: can of beers all on the table, ciggarets, weed, TV open at a random show while I was bussy in chat rooms looking to perv. Heaven in the eyes of the addict, hell in the eyes of myself.

    This guy helped me a lot!! we started talking and messaging and n a few days I started quiting my porn and my weed. We were wrting to one another constantloy until 4 days ago. He disappeared completely. I tried to write to him good messages, encouraging - but no sign whats so ever. I thought maybe he us back to wrong and its hard for him to say so i kept on writing to him but with no reply. Today at 04oo when I woke up from anxiety and not smoking weed - I saw he deleted his account. He is no longer available. So I feeel so bad about it, I opened up and now this guy is gone. I know I shouldnt be angry at him. On the contary, I should be greatful. And yet, I feel betrayed, lonely.

    Then a few days ago I met a guy here who sent me a message saying he wants to AP. Once again we had this really great call, I shared my story and felt I might have met 'the one'. And then as I wake up in the morning I see he isnt replying to my messages. Maybe, again, im over reacting. He might send me a message late4re today.

    But maybe I just have to much expectations from an AP. Truth is I just feel sad and lonely. I feel I have no one to talk to. All my happiness taht I felt till yestuday is gone. I dont really want to go back to my old habiits because Im horny, rather, I want to do it to hurt myself. I want to inflict pain on me so I know Ive made a mess of my life and no one can really help me. I want o go back to my old habbits to prove to myself I am fucked up, so i can hate myself a bit more. I want to go back to perving for this 1, 3, 4 hours of quiet in my mind. I want to go back to bad porn so I can exused myself and go to sleep.

    I dont know what to do. I know this journey is difficult. I know its hard. I just feel so lonely and tied. Thank god in 15 minutess my personal trainer is arriving so I have to get ready for some training and I hope I will feel better. I hope ill feel beter.

    I know I cant have expectations from other AP's, i know it on my own that I can sometimes be so obssed with my addiction I cant answer any calls or massages. I know I can block myself from the world. I know I can put my pocker face and nobody eben not my closesed friend can know I am bindging and doinfg hard to myself.

    Thaks for just being able to share i suppose, ok, putting my running shoes now.
    tout ça pour ça likes this.
  2. whitelion41

    whitelion41 Fapstronaut

    Oh well...just finished my workout. Feeling a bit better. Hoping fir a good day.
  3. I'm sorry that your AP's let you down. But maybe you are searching people in the wrong place. Maybe you should start trusting in people who can actually be loyal. Maybe a friend who knows how damaging porn is, maybe the pastor of a local church, or even someone from this page, who you see its midly active, and who commits to staying in touch.
    I don't think your mistake was trusting people, just trusting people who didn't were up to the commitment that trust means.
    yousuff and whitelion41 like this.
  4. whitelion41

    whitelion41 Fapstronaut

    You are right and thanks for it.
    The truth is im not blaming anyone I know how difficult it is.
    Im a very serious person in my vocation, but I am like a 2 year old baby when it comes to my acting-out.

    Thank you wise man
    Red Riot likes this.
  5. Foxhole

    Foxhole Fapstronaut

    Hey man. Just don't give up. I know what you're talking about. I "lost" many APs this way. And sometimes it was me, who bailed on them, because urges hit, or I just forgot to check my phone. Everyone is alone in this fight, but still it's a great oportunity to share it with someone and encourage each other.
    But it's just a bonus, and in no sense our right.

    Hope you're doing well.

    Stay strong man.
    +TenPercent likes this.
  6. whitelion41

    whitelion41 Fapstronaut

    Im trying really.
    its difficult.
    I do have a good AP with years of experience that has been writing to me - he is good. to me.

    You say "everybody is alone in this fight" and I know what you mean. It is so hard and I am so ashamed of myself that I cant hold it. I am such a talented person , but im like a 5 year old when it comes to it. for 20 years I have "trained my dragon" to think only about srlf indulgence and striving to become a perv.

    for me, chat rooms have become like my partners. I see them before I go to sleep nearlly every night. They have been my twisted solace. I want a fu*** divorce!! I dont want tehm in my life. I want a partneer to sleep beside my, not a fu*** cellphone.

    Its difficult today
  7. We all have our own fight, but we are not alone in it.
  8. whitelion41

    whitelion41 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for all your comments
    I survived today
    Thanks to you all

    Luckily my family came for a visit so they will be in my house for the next few days...soess time to mack around.

    Sometimes ots just pure luck :)

    I'm so happy I didn't go to the disgusting porn.

    So happy I didn't loom for solace I'm the arms of perversion

    So happy I don't have to be disgusted from myself

    Just for today
    Thanks you for this day
  9. Steamboat Mickey

    Steamboat Mickey Fapstronaut

    If you are still looking, I am available. Have been where you are on multiple levels.

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