Hi! Sorry if posted in the wrong category, thought this was the most accurate one. Im 23, my GF is 22, we have been together for 4 years. We live together and everything is amazing. When I was 17 i moved a long way from my parents to start a life of my own, a year after that, my dad got cancer and my mother got another disease making her unable to walk. Both are still alive but im their only ”child” and its hard for me seeing them like that. I never show emotions, i am stupid enough to hold myself back. Ive passed school and got myself a job etc all on my own during this, and the stress from it made me addicted to porn. I always liked chubby girls so i was very into BBW and such. Time went by and i found my amazing GF, she made my life so much better but my addiction was still strong, 1-2 timmes almost every day, without causing any problems though. My GF gained lots of weight during the first 2 years of our relationship, wich I really enjoyed, I was afraid to tell her about my ”fetish” though as I didnt want to sound weirdo. A year ago i lost my job and things got worse, my grandma died, and my porn addiction got worse. This addiction turned into me finding a website focusing on this fetish, where I started chatting with others having the same thoughts. For about a year I chatted like this, asking for pics of BBW girls etc just to fulfill my addiction and ease the pressure of my fetish, it was never ”sex” just more or less one way communication to get pictures of them. It got worse, i even started showing pics of my GF (to delete them after a while) just to hear people say the things i was too afraid to say, commenting her weight, making it into something attractive etc. When i was at my worst, i used to take photos of her while she was changing and such, cropped face out and such obviously. During january 2019 i suddenly like a strike from a clear sky, realised I really had a problem. I decided to tell her, explain how sorry I am, and promise to never do it again. Since then I am clean and now have a better job aswell! We have talked about it and i told her about my fetish and no longer feel like i have to act it out online, she doesnt consider it cheating and neither do I, as I explained to her that it was never about sex, meetups or her not being good enough etc, and i would NEVER touch another girl. I know lots of people even consider porn to be cheating, but she keeps telling me not to listen. Regarding the pics of her, didnt bother her much as i assured her none of the ”nasty” pics showed her face or such. We sorted this out, and I even asked her to get engaged with me to prove that I only want her and nobody else, things went great! As of today, i am clean, i dont feel any urges AT ALL and i even stopped PMO in general with no struggle just to show myself how im not like that. The thing is as you understand, this behaviour haunts me, i feel so disgusting and worthless and like im not worth her love, even though I(!) was the one who brought this all up, and I was the one chosing to stop, and I am the one beating myself up etc. NOT her like in most cases. I do and have done everything I can, but i still cant let go of the thoughts, feels like OCD. I’d appreciate a little input and help how to leave the past behind me and stop letting the past define me! Cheers guys, fuck PMO forever!