Disgusted by my past behaviour

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Deleted Account, Apr 24, 2019.

  1. Hi! Sorry if posted in the wrong category, thought this was the most accurate one.

    Im 23, my GF is 22, we have been together for 4 years. We live together and everything is amazing.

    When I was 17 i moved a long way from my parents to start a life of my own, a year after that, my dad got cancer and my mother got another disease making her unable to walk. Both are still alive but im their only ”child” and its hard for me seeing them like that. I never show emotions, i am stupid enough to hold myself back.

    Ive passed school and got myself a job etc all on my own during this, and the stress from it made me addicted to porn. I always liked chubby girls so i was very into BBW and such.

    Time went by and i found my amazing GF, she made my life so much better but my addiction was still strong, 1-2 timmes almost every day, without causing any problems though.
    My GF gained lots of weight during the first 2 years of our relationship, wich I really enjoyed, I was afraid to tell her about my ”fetish” though as I didnt want to sound weirdo.

    A year ago i lost my job and things got worse, my grandma died, and my porn addiction got worse. This addiction turned into me finding a website focusing on this fetish, where I started chatting with others having the same thoughts.
    For about a year I chatted like this, asking for pics of BBW girls etc just to fulfill my addiction and ease the pressure of my fetish, it was never ”sex” just more or less one way communication to get pictures of them.

    It got worse, i even started showing pics of my GF (to delete them after a while) just to hear people say the things i was too afraid to say, commenting her weight, making it into something attractive etc.
    When i was at my worst, i used to take photos of her while she was changing and such, cropped face out and such obviously.

    During january 2019 i suddenly like a strike from a clear sky, realised I really had a problem.

    I decided to tell her, explain how sorry I am, and promise to never do it again.

    Since then I am clean and now have a better job aswell!
    We have talked about it and i told her about my fetish and no longer feel like i have to act it out online, she doesnt consider it cheating and neither do I, as I explained to her that it was never about sex, meetups or her not being good enough etc, and i would NEVER touch another girl. I know lots of people even consider porn to be cheating, but she keeps telling me not to listen.

    Regarding the pics of her, didnt bother her much as i assured her none of the ”nasty” pics showed her face or such.

    We sorted this out, and I even asked her to get engaged with me to prove that I only want her and nobody else, things went great!

    As of today, i am clean, i dont feel any urges AT ALL and i even stopped PMO in general with no struggle just to show myself how im not like that.

    The thing is as you understand, this behaviour haunts me, i feel so disgusting and worthless and like im not worth her love, even though I(!) was the one who brought this all up, and I was the one chosing to stop, and I am the one beating myself up etc. NOT her like in most cases.

    I do and have done everything I can, but i still cant let go of the thoughts, feels like OCD.

    I’d appreciate a little input and help how to leave the past behind me and stop letting the past define me!

    Cheers guys, fuck PMO forever!
    AngeZarate10 likes this.
  2. AngeZarate10

    AngeZarate10 Fapstronaut

    don't worry, I've done worse, luckily I decided to get out of it, because it was also causing me various ocds,
    I also used women's shoes as a fetish to masturbate, with photos of girls to excite me, now I'm not ashamed to say this because I decided to remove everything out of the way.
    I'm 33 and I've been masturbating for over 20 years.
  3. Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing your story.
    I know we all feel this way, self disgust.
    You're not alone brother.
  4. Thank you for your kind words!
    The thing is that I feel like I betrayed the one I love the most, i mean, showing pics of her to get reactions from strangers? I was sure as hell deep down this PMO shithole during those times.

    I try to excuse myself by telling myself that
    1; its the past and had a cause
    2; not cheating to her
    3; those pics cant harm her even if they were to spread.
    And 4; it was an addiction, and not my true self.

    I keep thinking in circles, constantly having to think of these excuses, really messed up but i guess the shame and guilt is a good sign
  5. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

    You have made a fantastic job! Your girlfriend is so lucky to have you. View your history as the guide towards a better life and thank your lucky star that you were fortunate enough to deal with it so early in life, before it would have ruined everything. You have shown that you are a great young man, capable of courage and strength. You have no idea how many girlfriends of PMO addicts that dream every day of a man like you. Hats off to you!
    Deleted Account likes this.
  6. The truth is, it was a betrayal. It's great you are discussing this with her, stay open with her.
    Your focus should be on healing and running in circles while beating yourself up won't help. We do have to get over what we have done so we can heal and grow.
  7. AngeZarate10

    AngeZarate10 Fapstronaut

    i knew that the porn was the real matter of all.
    always i ignored that my taste changed so fast.
    thanks all.

  8. The thing is, she does not feel betrayed at all, and as i said to myself during this period, ”i wouldnt be hurt if she did the same for a similar reason”
    There is no way in hell I am ever falling back too!
  9. Thank you so much! Hearing words like this helps me alot.
    My mind is playing tricks like comparing my behaviour with like pedophiles and such even though i know its very different, just that the fact that my PA made me do things that goes against my moral thinking is haunting me.

    Im so happy she is understanding and im so happy that I managed to quit it after telling her.
    I believe it all started because of underlying stress that i didnt want to face.
    Now i only feel stress and shame due to what ive done, while the very first stress kind of faded away it seems.

    Might be withdrawal symptoms from quitting P & M thats making me extra emotional, but ive been really sad and even crying from all the regret infront of her the last weeks.

    Might try to talk to a therapist about it, as its probably caused by underlying stress as mentioned.
    Here in my country we have a place where people up to the age of 24-25 can go if they have any psychic, physical or sexual issues, so why not heh.

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