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Disgusted during O while watching P...

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by SundayMorninBoy, Aug 25, 2015.

  1. Aug 25, 2015 #1
    SundayMorninBoy

    SundayMorninBoy Fapstronaut

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    Hello all. I guess ill tell a brief of my story and get to the the point. I apologize for the lengthiness.

    I found Nofap roughly 6 months ago. I started taking it very seriously almost immediately. I didn't masturbate often before I found this community, maybe 2 or 3 times a week. But there were bouts in my life where I have binged and done it everyday or more. I was happy (sexually) with my ex-girlfriend of 6 years as (Ex as of recently. Ironically right when I started taking this seriously, and that was the saddest part because it might have been able to save us)

    But that is besides the point. The point is that I have been doing decently.. and I think I hit a milestone in a way.... I have gone without M and O for as long as three weeks maybe a month at times and then a relapse (Hard mode now that I am single) I was taking little sneak peaks at P and soft core and edging at times. First mistake. I started masturbating with my imagination recently but I still wanted to watch porn. It still has me by the throat. I thought about all my bookmarks which I should have deleted long ago. And I wanted to look at harder stuff for some reason recently. Its like deciding to break away from porn and just masturbate with my imagination made me want porn more and harder porn... Which I have always slightly been into but never really delved to far.

    Gagging. Which is what I was watching when I O'd and felt absolutely horrible...... I have never felt anything like it. I have had dull orgasms. But I felt like I could have puked and there was absolutely no pleasure. I mean none. And I haven't O'd in about 10 days. I closed the tab window before I even finished the O and just sat there with a terrible feeling like I just raped and violated that woman myself. And I might has well have! Just racing in my mind was "How did I like that 10 seconds ago??!!" It was like the second the dopamine was released my brain shifted , back to my sexually calm state before the O was even over! So..... during the O I saw the reality of what was actually happening in that video and didn't feel any pleasure just horror.
    It made me realize how fine the line is. It was the best feeling on earth while I was fapping then BAM......
    "AHHHHHHH what am I doing!!!" spploooooge of hot vile semen burning my hands! No this is not nice at all!!!!....... Sadness.... I have never felt anything in my entire life like it.

    I haven't watched hard stuff or even really much "Porn" since I started this journey. Just pictures and the occasional peak at a lesbian scene I have been watching since I was fucking 15. Which were my triggers which lead me to today. Watching something harder. I was very weak today.
    Which of course neither soft or hard is good for my brain. But the fact that I used to like those hardcore videos disgusts me now and I didn't used to think twice about it. I prayed for that girl and every woman in this industry... Im not even religious. I finally deleted all of my porn stash. I think I am done.... I truly hope that ravenous feeling doesn't come back. But I have a lot more motivation to stop completely now then my after recent relapses.

    The fact that I felt the opposite of pleasure during an orgasm was eye opening. I didn't know that could even happen.... Please tell me your thoughts I hope my story could give some insight to anyone starting this journey.

    There is one straight true path... you can try to take other, seemingly nicer and more pleasing paths but they tread to closely to the dark path and you may be led astray by all of its travelers and minions!
     
    SundayMorninBoy, Aug 25, 2015
    SundayMorninBoy, Aug 25, 2015
    #1
  2. Aug 25, 2015 #2
    JoeinUSA

    JoeinUSA Fapstronaut

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    Great sharing.

    Two important things come to my mind from your vivid and real descriptions:

    1. I am convinced that one cannot overcome PMO addiction unless one comes to realize how disgusting it really is. None of the pious platitudes - "I want to give up PMO so that I can focus better" or "I want to be PMO-free so women will notice me and flirt with me." Not! How about, I want to stop jerking off to porn because I want to stop being that sick, fiendish fuck pulling my pud in front of a cold, uncaring computer screen, half looking over my shoulder to make sure I'm not caught doing something so filthy, like getting off on used and abused woman because that's what I am learning women are for - to be used and cast on the side of the road for all I give a shit, just like I crunch up those used, semen-filled tissues with my life energy, my potential sons and daughter even, and throw them in the trash, where my loved ones in the house might (and do) find then. Don't even have the decency to clean up the mess and remains.

    Dude, you've hit the disgusting addiction spot on - write these things down (and more) and reread them when you are in the forgetfulness of temptations during recovery. Remind yourself how you don't want this sick life anymore.

    2. Your method of inner dialogue, and practically voicing the sick addict into the open, is an invaluable tool in recovery. It's actually called the "dialogue" method. Whenever your true self catches that sick addict self lurking in the shadows of your mind, call him out verbally, tell on him, expose his secret motives, and don't just sit paralyzed, numb, and dumb, as if doing so you might get away with something - some sick pleasure. Bring the demon addict into the light, always - expose him for the sick bastard that he is.

    You're doing excellent, dude. You were right - something in your experience was quite different this time. You have very strong tools here for recovery now!
     
    JoeinUSA, Aug 25, 2015
    JoeinUSA, Aug 25, 2015
    #2
    sp10 and SundayMorninBoy like this.
  3. Aug 25, 2015 #3
    SundayMorninBoy

    SundayMorninBoy Fapstronaut

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    Thank JoeinMD your words truly mean a lot. I think your totally right. Its not about bettering yourself and getting super powers its about destroying the evil which is Pornography and this twisted view on women and sex. They are so much more powerful then we are. My roommate is a very attractive single girl I have known her for 6 years or so. We have fooled around once and cherish our friendship too much to take it into a FWB scenario, because we both know we can't be in a relationship now. If I didn't find this community a few months ago and started this journey I truly believe that would be impossible right now. Our friendship would be over Im sure of it.
    I find when I spend time with some of my female friends like my roommate and truly enjoy and cherish the time. That evil urge goes away. That disgusting feeling in the back of my mind that I want to fuck her brains out every time she opens her mouth is gone. I realize how much more she is than a just sex image in my mind. Its a beautiful feeling.
     
    SundayMorninBoy, Aug 25, 2015
    SundayMorninBoy, Aug 25, 2015
    #3
    sp10 likes this.
  4. Aug 25, 2015 #4
    Handzfree

    Handzfree Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Couldn't agree more.. The battle is fought between the ears. What we think is the key difference. Your brain is screaming "I gotta have it or I'm going to die"... Reality is the addiction is on the one doing the killing..

    I sense your right on track. One suggestion if I may... Your final step is to lock the door-tightly. No soft core, no peeking, no fantasizing. If you can draw that line in the sand and not toe across, I think you'll be surprised at the results.

    Great work identifying your feelings and thoughts. Like Joe said... who do you want to be... Some dude hunched over a screen searching for the perfect video to O to? You've seen that guys and it's sickening. Best wishes. Stay strong
     
    Handzfree, Aug 25, 2015
    Handzfree, Aug 25, 2015
    #4
  5. Aug 29, 2015 #5
    Deleted Account

    Deleted Account Guest

    I would call it rock bottom.... You've reached the point where you are discusted with the Fuck sick sex obsessed alter ego we are all carrying as baggage.

    My rock bottom was a live sexting session last Thursday where she was sendimg nude images and expecting the same in return with orgasm voice recordings.

    Carry on vividly exorcising as you are and boot the sickmess out.

    We're all worth more than that and lets face it who the Fuck would want a relationship with any of us until the sick fucks been exorcised anyway.
     
    Deleted Account, Aug 29, 2015
    Deleted Account, Aug 29, 2015
    #5

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