Disgusted with myself...Deep Thought vs Socializing

Discussion in 'Abstinence, Retention, and Sexual Transmutation' started by 4:30am, May 7, 2021.

  1. 4:30am

    4:30am Fapstronaut

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    Hi guys,

    Sometimes when I am talking to 'normal' people I feel like I am just mirroring them and saying the same shit that I have said before and kind of saying 'what works' in the social interaction, and I feel that I am spouting the same views that I have held for a few years, but I don't really believe is true about me, or is really true politically, and there's a voice in my head that is saying "you don't believe that", "that's not true", "you aren't doing that", "that's not true"

    So part of me just wants to stay quiet and shut up and say nothing. Or to speak rarely, aand only speak about things that I know about and things that I want to do, and with people who 'get it' people who are in my business and who are interested in the lifestyle that I am interested in.

    I feel that if I have these conversations with 'normal' people who are probably PMOings and living in an average and bullshit way, and are themselves talking in circles and all polyannish and agreeing with eachother, that I will become a zombie like them...

    As I have been retaining, and since quitting PMO my mind wants to focus more and has become more critical of myself and my lifestyle...and is feeling disgusted with myself and really DISGUSTED with other people on the street, I mean I have the worst thoughts about people, how they dress themselves, how they talk, how they act, I feel like not going outside so I don't see them.

    Anyone had this feeling of disgust? What does it mean?

    The problem is, I have no one that I can really talk to longform about these kinds of topics that I want to talk about. Maybe I don't have any friends who have the new standards that I have?

    The problem for me is that I also have a need to socialize with people, we are social animals. But I don't want to talk b.s. And I am scared that if I lower my standards to everyone around me I will end up kind of 'hypnotzing myself' into their lifestyle and thoughts and abandoning my deeper thoughts!

    I don't want to lose this inner dialogue that is trying to get me to speak a high level of truth about my life and my self....that wants me to be the best I can be. But I am scared that I will put people off if I am too intense or hard on myself: like I don't want to also be embarrassed if I stop halfway through a sentence....and have to reformulate my thoughts...

    Anyone had this happen to them - where they don't want to talk anymore until they've figured out who they are so they can speak from this new place of being?

    Thanks guys,

    4:30am
     
    eagle rising and Robinthehood like this.
  2. Robinthehood

    Robinthehood Fapstronaut

    On my first long streak I experienced a similar aversion to anything that made me think of sex. Instagram posts, even some posts on here if they were too graphic. I did start feeling angry about it occasionally. I saw how I was angry because I felt it would jeapordise my will power and then make me relapse. I was blaming outside things for my own problem. Its not the things out there, how people dress and so on, it's our response to them.
    In the week or two after my last pmo I experience heavy inner monologue. A very busy mind, arguing and second guessing myself. Questioning everything I do or say or think. This state of mind is not helpful for anything. Meditation, cold shower, exercise are good to quieten the mind.
     
    greenishmoon likes this.
  3. happy camper

    happy camper Fapstronaut

    What you find disgusting in another person is usually a reflection of what disgusts you about yourself. Maybe you were like that in the past and now you find it repulsive that you used to be like that and you are projecting it on the outside world?

    It's not really your place to judge people unless you are willing to be judged in return. What goes around comes around, even if it is in thought form. Thoughts carry vibrations that resonate in reality.

    It will take some time to develop the trust in yourself that you are able to withstand their worldview. Temptation will always be there to drag you down but it's really up to you whether you succumb to it or not. If you prefer, spend some time alone away from these people who do not resonate with your new self. It's rather better to be alone than to spend time with people who you feel are dragging you down or who's worldview doesn't match yours. Your vibe attracts your tribe. If you can be your authentic self then the people who like you for who you truly are will stay in your life. Everyone else will simply move away. You shouldn't have to feel like you need to hide your true self. Not everyone will like you, but it's not your job to get everyone to like you. It's your duty to be you. As long as you are on the right path and express that with humility, all will be well.
     
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  4. eagle rising

    eagle rising Fapstronaut

    First, @4:30am ,what you shared resonates with what I have experienced. Here is my take. It is a spiritual evolution. I don't know if you are spiritual in any way or not, but this is my understanding, in any case I'd like to share my personal view on this. One must take delicate care of "realizations".

    Yes, I have. For me, it is that that activity you experience in others (which causes the disgust) is not sourced (at least enough) from life, life itself. I'm not talking about life as in little pleasurable experiences chained one after the other, that is death to me. I think this is what I experienced when I felt that disgust.

    But, that doesn't mean anything about any particular person or any particular group of people. It just means you don't like that feeling of being chained to a compulsive representation of "life". I had battled the "night scene" for awhile in my early years. I hated it, but I wanted to be like everyone else at the same time. I wanted to fit in. I think I would run away from that feeling by PMOing. The ultimate concentration of "little pleasures".

    Similarly, here. I am like this. One can sort of "tell" when they are speaking to a "dead" life, not being derogatory in any way towards others. On a side note, I think this is where the term "zombie" was originally sourced. The need for expression made it to what it is in movies today. Anyway, I am not speaking against those people. They are just in a different experience, one I know I was a part of before . I don't view myself as better, and I don't look down on them.

    Just be humble about it. You will start to come across people who are in your experience. They may be few, but they will be worth a thousand meaningless conversations.
     
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  5. Hero25

    Hero25 Fapstronaut

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    What kind of conversation? Not all 'normal' conversations are bad, unless they are talking about sex all the time
     
  6. greenishmoon

    greenishmoon Fapstronaut

    Yes. For even months. I don't really know how to stop it, therapists have helped since you can be open to them. Spiritual, mistical or religious people can also help since they are usssualy into similar paths.
    Man what is it about cold showers that people say that work?. I have been meditating some time and it works some days and others I just fall asleep or stay hypnotized off thought.
     
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  7. 4:30am

    4:30am Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the replies gents. I just came home from a girl's place, kind of feeling this disgust. Not exactly at her, or where she is in her life, but maybe more with myself. We didn't end up ruining everything by having sex on the first night. But I guess the feeling I have of self-disgust right now is an amplified feeling of the general 'disgust sensitivity' I have been feeling about the world and the bipeds that walk up and down the streets.

    I think to myself. "I can do better than this" is what I am thinking to myself. Here I am it's fucking 12:39am and I have to get up at 4:30am and my motorcycle gets here at 7am and I wanna go for a ride tomorrow. But I'm going to be fucking tired because I'm up getting yung booty at midnight again.

    The feeling of the higher self saying "you're better than this" is what I feel right now. But a small devilish voice saying "ah, but that was a good night bro - you still got it!" grinning away.

    Earlier this evening I had the feeling of "that's not true" and "you don't believe that" as I was talking to this girl about who I am and what I do. So I kind of felt an unsuredness in my conversation (not that it wasn't confident) but sort of under scrutiny (or self-scrutiny or critical thought) it all fell apart.

    It was as if I was trying to yes, yet again sound 'normal' or say things that more belong to my society, or to a certain group in society to which I pseudo-belong due to work....it's more saying things that "people believe to be good/right" more than what the voice in my head, the critical me knows as truth - So again I found myself saying the same things that sounded good, admirable, respectable, courageous.

    But they are not me, the voice says "you don't believe in that" , "that's not true" to virtually every single damn line at times, whilst the girl is nodding and is impressed, because everything seems normal and rational and logical and fine. But they aren't my thoughts or beliefs, they're just well crafted things that I cannot logical refute. Most of my thoughts I have taken from books.

    I have a feeling that I have not been real. That I am not "there"...

    Does anyone have any similar experiences? Please, I hope you do.

    4:30am
     
    eagle rising likes this.
  8. 4:30am

    4:30am Fapstronaut

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    So here's why don't fuck with hook up that keep you up until fucking 1-2am guys. So I went to bed after making that post, I left her place a midnight after hours of fooling around. Then my alarm goes off at the regular 4:30am and I am up and all is cool, but then I fall asleep.

    Then my mechanic turns up at 7am with my motorcycle to drop it off and I am still fucking asleep. Luckily I wake up just in time before he leaves - but I am totally fucking embarrassed and I am a fucking hour late, and he came out so far to bring me back my motorcycle.

    THIS is exactly how sex-addiction and pmo bullshit and chasing hookups fuckig screws up your obligations and your life and it's just not worth it.

    I can do better.

    Alrighty,

    4:30am
     
    eagle rising likes this.
  9. Bromance

    Bromance Fapstronaut

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    We as humans are not infallible by any means. Just gotta learn from our mistakes and keep going.

    You can do better, and you will.
     
    4:30am likes this.
  10. 4:30am

    4:30am Fapstronaut

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    I think Dating Apps needs to go in the 'porn' catagory. It's constantly novel, dopmine hit, curiosity is endless, reward to talking to girls without any risk, no cold approach, no consequences if you fuck up the approach, and the girls are throwing their tits and asses all over the screen, it's compulsive, instant, impulsive - the girls trying to look more and more like pornstars...
     
    Bromance likes this.
  11. eagle rising

    eagle rising Fapstronaut

    I concur. If there should be a dating site...no pictures whatsoever. Just expressions of people's personalities. It is still made up, but personalities are always made up, even in "real life".
     
    4:30am likes this.
  12. Hero25

    Hero25 Fapstronaut

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    What kind of books you take your thoughts?
     
  13. Hear what their extroverted lifestyle says. You reply with a comment coming from your inner self. If they don't understand, use a simile they can relate to.

    Edit: Don't feel obligated to follow their lifestyle in talking. Your case is an interesting one. It's like you're the only introvert in the community lol.
     
  14. Do you do MBTI? I think you prefer Judging to Perceiving.
     

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