Disoriented attempt at a Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by AliceIce, Jan 22, 2018.

  1. AliceIce

    AliceIce Fapstronaut

    I'm a little new, I haven't posted much mainly because my brain is spinning so much I don't know how to put sentences together. But I've been told to journal, not really sure how.

    It's been 3 months since our DDAY and I'm desperately finding reasons to keep going. We have recently seperated. He never stopped lying, never stopped PMO, fantasizing. He discovered the reboot and it was his idea. I had always been in full support. Weeks of more and more lies, secrets. The worst was the week he bragged about finally coming clean and how good it felt. When in reality he was just covering his tracks better and milking the sympathy. Why waste all the time in meetings if it's all fake? He spent my birthday in a meeting, it didn't bother me because it's what he needed. The fact he couldnt go a day without P while lying about having progress in hid reboot.

    I've read addicts only have narassistic traits, but I'm struggling to see the good in him. Im not even sure he is an addict or if thats just another diversion. When I look for the man I married all I see is a smoke screen.

    Now I've realized how alone I am. The few friends I've tried to open up to it has just back fired. The only family I really have are my two sons. He hasn't reached out to see if I am okay or if I need anything. I believe I found one of his craigslist ads and he stopped responding when I gave some details about myself. (Why haven't I filed divorce papers yet why am I wasting my time). I'm here alone caring for our kids and picking up the pieces of our shattered home. What kind of person does this to someone they love. Will he ever be capable of love.

    I feel I need his disclousure to make a decision on how to move forward. But is that even realistic?

    I haven't been able to find a support group for spouses that isn't over an hours drive away.

    It's been hard to find a counselor with a 4 month old, and baby's daddy's time is booked in his recovery.

    I want to see light at the end of the tunnel but things are getting hopeless. We meet with a CSAT in a week. Sorry I know this is ramblings.
  2. PaleAle76

    PaleAle76 Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I think you'll find the SO's on here very helpful, and you're definitely not alone!

    Your husband is still in denial. Period. And unfortunately, there isn't a whole lot you can do until he admits to himself that he has a problem… maybe some of the other SO's on here can provide you more advice in that arena. I know for me, I didn't truly admit to myself I had a problem the first time I was caught. I said I would quit, and I truly meant it at the time, but I was still in denial. It sounds like he's been going through the motions to placate you, not because he truly wants to get better. How long have you been married?
  3. AliceIce

    AliceIce Fapstronaut

    We've been together about 5 years, married a year and a half. I'm worried he isn't serious about getting better. His acting out had gotten pretty bad. I want him to recovery but I feel like it's a waste of time to look for him to help me heal. I wish there wasn't kids involved to make this easier.
  4. PaleAle76

    PaleAle76 Fapstronaut

    This has probably been an issue since long before you met. His defensiveness is a sure sign of denial. As far as the Craiglist ad is concerned, I would try and make sure you’re not jumping to conclusions... has he been on there before? Does he have a history of that sort of behavior? All of that being said, if he IS in fact cruising the internet for god knows what, I’m afraid that could be a sign he’s already done with your marriage... and you're desperately trying to hold on to something that is already gone. The first step HAS to be his surrendering to the fact that he has a problem.
  5. I am so sorry that you are going through this @AliceIce .. This is not your fault / you didn't ask for this / it sounds like you are doing what you need to do to protect yourself and your kids --- that is right and good.

    There are many wonderful SO's on NoFap that I am sure will give you tons of advice...everyone has been through a lot and those painful, shared experiences hopefully will provide you with some much needed comfort and direction.

    As for your SO: the ball is completely in his court .. it sounds like he has not fully engaged the recovery process--perhaps he is playing a game with it?? Your patience for not filing for divorce is commendable, although if things don't change I'm sure that day is fast approaching.


    It has "only" been 3 months since DDay--and I am guessing those have been the most difficult 3 months of your life--what I suggest to everyone in this fragile, early season is to wait one full year (unless there is danger) ... see if the PA hits that stage of unmanageability and powerlessness to where he honestly admits that he is a porn addict => then, what does he do?

    Some people never hit that point.


    Thank you for reaching out with your post -- I encourage you to write in your journal daily or how ever often you can....process this and everything out loud. This NoFap community is full of supportive people who will offer advice and counsel based on everyone's shared experience going through this painful journal. You are among friends here.
  6. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    @AliceIce welcome, you have come to the right place. There are loads of women here in exactly your position journaling, asking questions, and supporting each other. There's even a newly created area in these forums, called Significant Other Journals. There you'll find journals by @AnonymousAnnaXOXO, @Broken3, @Broken81, @Katrina Rose, @Kenzi, @Sadgirl, @TryingToHeal, @WantsToBelieve, and many more.

    If you do want to talk away from us porn addicts there is also a private group for significant others here, I think it is mostly women (with a few boyfriends / husbands of porn addicts too). Should you want to keep a private journal I think you can do that there (I believe @EyesWideOpen does).
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2018
  7. AliceIce

    AliceIce Fapstronaut

  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    So... He's inventing reboot..
    And lying about it...
    That's really serious.
    I'm so sorry.

    I'm glad you found NoFap
    Welcome to the forums btw!

    I know that you are not alone... Which doesn't always seem like a comfort, but trust me... Knowing that there are others out there who know exactly what you are talking about and feel exactly like you have felt, when your friends do not, is quite a comfort... Indeed.

    It's really tough when the PA lies.
    My PA said we should quit P together... And that was a lie in the beginning...
    I quit and he didn't!
    I know it's not exactly the same.. But I understand that same "he says and then does something completely else while hiding it in new creative ways"

    Like kropo82 said we have our own journal section, I hope you find lots of good resources in reading the stories there.
    Good reading
    Good luck
    And please, let me know if you need anything or have any questions
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  9. AliceIce

    AliceIce Fapstronaut

    Thank you for all the support! It has helped a great deal.
    Day 2:
    My SO, according to him, has come clean with all the lies and other woman. I am not sure if our problem is a porn addiction at all. There was never anything that was just about him and I, he shared our whole life with several other women. So many lies and secrets. When I look at him I don't know who I see. There are so many questions in my head. How is he going to be a good father to our son? How will he address relationship problems? How can he not have any empathy?
    The day we returned from our destination wedding he was sharing our photos and our memories with an affair partner. That had nothing to do with sex, or porn, or I don't even know.
    The pain isn't being intense. The hurt is there but I think I am out of tears. I do have a great deal of anger.
    I spent a lot of time reading up on co dependency to make sure I'm not codependent. I really don't believe so. My children and their stability is more important to me than anything else. I'm trying to give them all they deserve, why am I the only one?
    I had divorce papers drawn up, I agreed to hold off on filing them until we spend some time in therapy. Unless he keeps the lying and behaviors he has been, then they will be filed asap. I want to see how serious he is about his recovery.
    The rest of my focus has been on setting things up to invest more in myself. I don't want to make a major decision until I have had time to heal my self confidence. I've starting working through a betrayal trauma workbook.
    Im desperate for hope or any ounce of positivity to grasp onto....and its just not there. I've always been a "blindly optimistic person", its gotten me in trouble before, but now even that is gone.
    I've never written in a journal before, I'm assuming its a way to get my thoughts out and help process them. I'm going to work better at expressing my feelings and not bottling them up. I typically like to shut down and bury my emotions. Hopefully writing them out daily will help keep my from doing that.
    If I am going to have any chance at rebuilding my marriage, I have to deal with my feelings as well.
    I wish my vows didn't mean so much to me.
  10. Writing in your journal can be very therapeutic...I hope you gain something by putting thoughts into words--and then often times people will chime in with new perspectives that you would have never thought of.

    So keep that up...write daily? Write often--whenever you have time or have the desire to think/process outloud.


    Thank you for taking the time to write out your thoughts..as I just re-read them, it helps me -- I can picture my wife, going through our betrayal trauma, saying and thinking the same things..especially stuff like: "The rest of my focus has been on setting things up to invest more in myself. I don't want to make a major decision until I have had time to heal my self confidence."

    That is really profound...and I think very wise. Early in our situation in June, my wife said very clearly that she was in such a fragile place..she didn't trust herself to make a life-altering decision ... she needed counseling/therapy to get herself to a place where she can then rightly determine if the marriage should continue or not. You sound very similar.

    Hang in there..this journey is long and laborious -- hopefully this NoFap community can be safe place for you to wrestle with your thoughts and emotions and help you get to a place of stability and peace.

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