I'm a little new, I haven't posted much mainly because my brain is spinning so much I don't know how to put sentences together. But I've been told to journal, not really sure how. It's been 3 months since our DDAY and I'm desperately finding reasons to keep going. We have recently seperated. He never stopped lying, never stopped PMO, fantasizing. He discovered the reboot and it was his idea. I had always been in full support. Weeks of more and more lies, secrets. The worst was the week he bragged about finally coming clean and how good it felt. When in reality he was just covering his tracks better and milking the sympathy. Why waste all the time in meetings if it's all fake? He spent my birthday in a meeting, it didn't bother me because it's what he needed. The fact he couldnt go a day without P while lying about having progress in hid reboot. I've read addicts only have narassistic traits, but I'm struggling to see the good in him. Im not even sure he is an addict or if thats just another diversion. When I look for the man I married all I see is a smoke screen. Now I've realized how alone I am. The few friends I've tried to open up to it has just back fired. The only family I really have are my two sons. He hasn't reached out to see if I am okay or if I need anything. I believe I found one of his craigslist ads and he stopped responding when I gave some details about myself. (Why haven't I filed divorce papers yet why am I wasting my time). I'm here alone caring for our kids and picking up the pieces of our shattered home. What kind of person does this to someone they love. Will he ever be capable of love. I feel I need his disclousure to make a decision on how to move forward. But is that even realistic? I haven't been able to find a support group for spouses that isn't over an hours drive away. It's been hard to find a counselor with a 4 month old, and baby's daddy's time is booked in his recovery. I want to see light at the end of the tunnel but things are getting hopeless. We meet with a CSAT in a week. Sorry I know this is ramblings.