Distance in relationship

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Kningb, May 14, 2019.

  1. Kningb

    Kningb Fapstronaut

    I’m a recovering PA and have been sober now for 1 year and I thought by now I’d feel closer to my girlfriend since I have quit this addiction. However I just distant from her and she feels the same.
    Is this a normal aspect of recovery and part of withdrawal to feel distant from your partner ? Will I feel the love and connection I once had with my girlfriend again?
  2. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I think the first thing you should do is ask yourself, "Have I spent the last year being sober, or have I spent the last year focusing on true recovery"? Those things are not the same. A lot of PA's think as long as they abstain from the addictive behavior, they're in recovery, but unfortunately, that isn't true because recovery involves so much has more than just stopping the behavior.

    Have you spent any time digging deep down to figure out what drove you to PMO in the first place? Have you really thought about what your triggers are and what you can do to avoid them? Staying clean for over a year is a great thing, and I'm not trying to minimize that in any way. But, unless you do the work that brings about true recovery, I afraid you'll feel stuck where you are, and the closeness you miss having with your gf will remain elusive. I say all of this as the SO of a long-time PA who has remained stuck in this very place for years.
  3. Kningb

    Kningb Fapstronaut

    Thanks for your reply
    Yes I think you are right with what you’re saying. Perhaps I have just been focusing on staying sober and not full recovery.
    hope4healing likes this.
  4. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    EXAMPLE: My PA has been in “recovery” for about six weeks. Reading literature, going to five SA meetings a week and seeing a therapist once a week.
    He feels he’s in recovery, in actual fact he is going through the motions. He doesn’t remember what he reads, he says he has nothing to share at the meetings, however his therapist does hold him accountable.
    Behaviours/emotions are well...let’s just say they are those of a an 8 yr old child with ODD. not a 50 year old man.
    Mother’s day has come and gone...he did nothing but self serve...between us we have five kids and it has been incredibly challenging at times. He had the opportunity to show appreciation and gratitude, but he chose to work on his truck and didn’t even bother to get a card or wish me happy mother’s day.
    In response I went out on mother’s day to an all mom dinner. I had a wonderful time. My PA stayed home and couldn’t figure out what he could possibly have done wrong. When I told him his response was “Oh” followed by excuses...such as I forgot. Well in 17 yrs of marriage he has never forgotten before.
    So then he asks , “ how can we get closer, I miss sleeping together! Seriously...open your freakin eyes to your behaviour.
    So a person maybe abstaining form PMO...but they are far from enlightened into how their behaviour or lack there of affects others.

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