Divorced, Recovering from porn escalation

[cascadence27]

Hello all. I’m a 31 year old guy who just got divorced after a horrible 2 year marriage with my ex-wife. This post will be a little long and also have some TRIGGERS later on, so I urge you to read with caution.


Getting married to her was the biggest mistake of my life. We got married after just 6 months of courtship and dating. We didn’t even have sex all the way before the marriage. I used to question my attraction towards her too(she was a bit heavy and bigger for me), but I had such low self-esteem that I thought I would never be able to get any other woman better or more attractive than her. She was also the only girl I ever dated. I had been rejected by every girl before her I used to like and never got to experience a serious relationship or at least dating.

I have always had attraction for woman only since puberty. Like most of you all , I Started watching porn at 13, with regular hetero and lesbian. After 8 years , it got escalated to trans and transwoman. 3 years after that , it was gay porn with long haired effeminate looking men. This category of gay porn gave me a big dopamine rush then, which was almost like starting years of straight porn that I have been struggling to quit it completely for 6 years now.

Even though I have never acted the gay porn fantasy in real life , as I have only slept with women only, I get confused about my sexuality from time to time because of this porn escalation. Some days I will watch straight porn and have a fully satisfied O looking at women, but other days , I get aroused looking at gay porn with effeminate men and get off multiple times for 2 days straight. After that , it’s again straight porn and the cycle keeps repeating itself. It’s come to this that I can’t even get hard thinking or looking at a real life attractive woman anymore. It’s only porn on the screen which gets me off.

Also , the straight porn I watch only gets me semi-hard, but I can still O. The gay porn gives me more arousal now whenever i watch it sometimes. It could be possibly due to desensitisation after years of porn use and dopamine rush is stronger in more extreme stuff and regular Herero stuff doesn’t give the same level of arousal , as I’ve gathered reading other posts.
All this has led me to question if I could be bi, but it doesn’t feel right or natural to me , as I don’t want any romantic or sexual relationship with any man in reality.

I am happy after being divorced and I’m very lucky that I got out of it even after great difficulty. Now I’m questioning myself if I’ll ever be able to meet a new woman in the near future who I would really like and possibly start a loving relationship which I never experienced.

I have lost a lot of confidence in myself, and because of this porn escalation, I feel like I don’t deserve a good woman and that she would not want to be with someone like me who has such a crazy history with porn and such little experience with women.Still struggling with low self-esteem.

Marriage was the only relationship with a woman I’ve ever been in and it was the worst one, mainly because it was with the wrong person. I am definitely not in a hurry to be married anytime soon. I just want to meet a girl I would be attracted to and like to spend time with, but I don’t know if that would even happen now.

I know I have no option but to leave porn behind to make my life better. Deep down inside, I know its always girls who I always wanted to be with, but Porn has messed me up in so many levels that I started M and O to some men too. For me it still feels wrong as I’ve only felt Straight all my life. I’m just curious to see if my porn-induced fetishes will fade away and my original sexual preferences to women before porn will return as I start to do NoFap for real this time. I’ve never had streaks for more than 10 days.

I ‘ve wasted many precious years of my life fapping away and I took some bad decisions. But I believe there is still time to get better and keep working on myself.
I know many of you have felt sexual confusion due to porn escalation, but please share about how you deal with it while doing NoFap?
I feel that my life will be much better when I quit all porn and not feel like a victim to this cycle of addiction.

I had the worst sex life during marriage. After having sex only a few times with my ex in the first year of marriage, I lost all attraction for her. She also stopped taking care of herself and gained a lot of pounds. I would watch porn for my sexual gratification and also cheated on her once with a prostitute.

I could go on about how dreadful the marriage was, but I want to completely keep it buried in the past. I just don’t want to have that kind of life again in the future.

I am aching for the real life sexual experiences with a girl I would really want to, but this porn has really messed me up big time , leading to low self-esteem, anxiety and questioning sexual orientation from time to time.

I ‘m just looking to make my life better now. I know I’m in the right place and I hope to find my real self again while doing this .


I will have to be honest with myself from now and truly commit to this journey now, or I will never be able to find the answers I want and be at peace with myself first.


I will be in this forum and keep sharing my experiences. I hope it all helps people reading it who are going through something similar themselves.

All the best to everyone in their recovery.

 

[Robindale]

Sorry you're going through a tough time. You're right PMO is not good for anyone and your fetish or attraction to gay porn can be explained by that. Don't be too hard on yourself or draw any conclusions about your sexuality while you're still addicted and actively PMOing. The porn brain is foggy and just doesn't fire right to let you make good decisions or draw conclusions. I would suggest you do what we are all doing in here, working on ourselves to try to become the best version of ourselves that we can be. If you can work on defeating this PMO monster, a lot of other things will spring from that. I would likely say that when you get to a healthy place, you will be more confident, more comfortable with yourself and you will be ready to meet that special someone meant for you and be able to form the kind of relationship you want and deserve.

I would also suggest that it is very hard to conquer this on your own. What is working for me to help me break free of this, besides the wonderful people in here who are so supportive, is a therapist, a weekly NoFap group, lots of reading (Patrick Carnes has some great books, and lots of others too), and recently joined an SAA group. That and the NoFap group are very powerful in hearing other's stories of their sex addiction and how they are working to get to recovery, and being able to tell other human beings your story on addiction. There is no judgment, but welcoming and support. And folks in those groups can really relate because they struggle with the same thing. Stopping PMO is hard, but getting to the root of the issue as to what drove you there and kept you there is what we all need to get to and understand. You mentioned issues with self-esteem, anxiety, sexual orientation, etc. A lot of us struggle with those same things. Working with a good therapist can really help with that. I'd encourage you to find one that specifically has experience with sexual addiction.

Lots of suggestions from guys in here on how to work through the urges and distract yourself with positive uses of your time, such as exercise, cold showers, journaling, reading, music or other creative ventures, healthy cooking and eating, etc. Getting into those positive habits are an extreme help for me. And ways you can find to be social with current friends, family or making new friends will help also. Addiction thrives in secrecy and isolation, but dies in honesty and connection.

Please remember that you are worth it, you are special, and you can overcome this with the help of others. Best wishes.

 

[cascadence27]

Sorry you're going through a tough time. You're right PMO is not good for anyone and your fetish or attraction to gay porn can be explained by that. Don't be too hard on yourself or draw any conclusions about your sexuality while you're still addicted and actively PMOing. The porn brain is foggy and just doesn't fire right to let you make good decisions or draw conclusions. I would suggest you do what we are all doing in here, working on ourselves to try to become the best version of ourselves that we can be. If you can work on defeating this PMO monster, a lot of other things will spring from that. I would likely say that when you get to a healthy place, you will be more confident, more comfortable with yourself and you will be ready to meet that special someone meant for you and be able to form the kind of relationship you want and deserve.

I would also suggest that it is very hard to conquer this on your own. What is working for me to help me break free of this, besides the wonderful people in here who are so supportive, is a therapist, a weekly NoFap group, lots of reading (Patrick Carnes has some great books, and lots of others too), and recently joined an SAA group. That and the NoFap group are very powerful in hearing other's stories of their sex addiction and how they are working to get to recovery, and being able to tell other human beings your story on addiction. There is no judgment, but welcoming and support. And folks in those groups can really relate because they struggle with the same thing. Stopping PMO is hard, but getting to the root of the issue as to what drove you there and kept you there is what we all need to get to and understand. You mentioned issues with self-esteem, anxiety, sexual orientation, etc. A lot of us struggle with those same things. Working with a good therapist can really help with that. I'd encourage you to find one that specifically has experience with sexual addiction.

Lots of suggestions from guys in here on how to work through the urges and distract yourself with positive uses of your time, such as exercise, cold showers, journaling, reading, music or other creative ventures, healthy cooking and eating, etc. Getting into those positive habits are an extreme help for me. And ways you can find to be social with current friends, family or making new friends will help also. Addiction thrives in secrecy and isolation, but dies in honesty and connection.

Please remember that you are worth it, you are special, and you can overcome this with the help of others. Best wishes.

Thanks for replying. I do agree on your points like SAA meetings, NoFap groups and dealing with urges, but there is just no way I’m going for therapy as I have bad experience previously. My ex-wife used to be my therapist when I met her for the first time 4 years ago.

So I guess I have to do everything on my own and taking help of NoFap and all the people over here of course.

I am in a very negative place mentally. I have lost passion for all the things I used to love doing like music, approaching women etc.

I have severe PMO fog and my mind is all over the place now. I’ve also been smoking weed everyday.

I haven’t stopped PMO yet completely and I feel guilty every time I relapse. But as of now, I’ve stopped watching the escalating extreme porn like gay porn. I hope this porn doesn’t haunt me again in a few days which would again lead to questioning my sexuality. But it’s going fine as of now. Just have to fight with my urges of watching any type of porn from now on.

 

[Metis07]

Don't question your sexuality, just let this thoughts come and go now, don't think too much about it. Instead get your shit together - nofap hard mode 90 days (at least, or even aim at 1 year), your hobbies and life goals (it's not so easy to know what you truly want), sports! cold showers! praying, meditation and mindfulness, educate yourself about this addiction. Make this your #1 goal ('getting shit together'), you will meet girls during this way unintentionally don't make them your first priority.
And never tell yourself 'I am not worth a good woman'

 

[theMotivator]

Watch the lectures, that are in my signature, it may help big time. Psychology Of The Mind - Soulmates, Dating & Relationships

 

[phwrancesco]

Marriege before sex is a suicide. You never know how's the chemistry with a girl before having sex: you two could be soul mate but sex may be terrible. In that case, you surely don't want to marry that girl.

Hope you learn for the future

 

[cascadence27]

Marriege before sex is a suicide. You never know how's the chemistry with a girl before having sex: you two could be soul mate but sex may be terrible. In that case, you surely don't want to marry that girl.

Hope you learn for the future

I learnt a lot from my marriage. It wasn’t just bad sex , but a lot more. We were just two very different people with completely different way of thinking and being. Compatibility and anger issues being the core of our problems. I am just glad it didn’t drag on for longer than 2 years.
Now I have a new life to live and look forward too. Plenty of time to keep working on myself and meeting new women along the way , when I feel I’m in a better place.

 

[Freedom_from_PMO]

Escalation completely ignores if we would be comfortable with doing something and new genenre is more exciting, so when we reach the point when it is something that goes against our orientation it is verh confusing. For many people it is the moment when the alarm bells, but experimenting on more mundane porn induced fetishes may lead to disastrous effect. It is hard but we should ignore effects of escalation and wait to eradicate them.

 

[primaljade]

Are you eyeing up guys in public or fantasize picking up men? Have you considered you might be bisexual, this is fine either way. You can't force your sexual orientation, but you can figure out who you are and accept it instead of creating your own anxiety.

 

[Freedom_from_PMO]

Are you eyeing up guys in public or fantasize picking up men?

It is a good test imo. I had hocd and it never happened to me. If something attracts us only in porn and not in real life it is better to drop it.

You can't force your sexual orientation, but you can figure out who you are and accept it instead of creating your own anxiety.

The problem with hocd is that there is nothing to accept because there is nothing there. This is a bullshit attraction created by porn and most people feels that there is something wierd about it. I had a period of time when I decided to accept that I am bisexual for greater peace of mind, but I was still really unsure about it. I switched from feeling that I think I am straight but it feels like lying to claim this to thinking that I am bi but it still felt like lying to me. It was the feeling of questioning that was agonising. I did progress with my reboot and I have realised that I am really straight and it felt wierd to identify as bisexual because I wasn't that. Trying to figure out your orientation if you are addicted to porn is hard if not impossible and it is better to leave this until we are healed from effects of esclation.

 

[cascadence27]

Are you eyeing up guys in public or fantasize picking up men? Have you considered you might be bisexual, this is fine either way. You can't force your sexual orientation, but you can figure out who you are and accept it instead of creating your own anxiety.

Not at all. I never fantasized about dating or doing anything sexual for real with a guy other than porn. The type of men I have watched in porn were very specific and only feminine types, with long hair, not hairy manly muscular men.

I only think about dating and doing anything sexual with women only.

The longer I stay away from porn, I feel straight only. It’s only when those escalated porn urges hit after abstaining for a few weeks that checking to such porn and then relapse happens.

I’m trying my best to avoid all types of porn , even vanilla and straight porn.

I’m taking my recovery very seriously from now on.

What I really hope to get out of all this is to get my true sexuality back , which I believe is straight as it always was before porn and many years into porn as well.

 

[Freedom_from_PMO]

The longer I stay away from porn, I feel straight only. It’s only when those escalated porn urges hit after abstaining for a few weeks that checking to such porn and then relapse happens.

That's good for you. You will make it!

 

[phwrancesco]

I learnt a lot from my marriage. It wasn’t just bad sex , but a lot more. We were just two very different people with completely different way of thinking and being. Compatibility and anger issues being the core of our problems. I am just glad it didn’t drag on for longer than 2 years.
Now I have a new life to live and look forward too. Plenty of time to keep working on myself and meeting new women along the way , when I feel I’m in a better place.

I'm sure about that, but you could have avoided a lot of sufferings and saved a lot of energy by doing things in the correct order

 

[cascadence27]

Escalation completely ignores if we would be comfortable with doing something and new genenre is more exciting, so when we reach the point when it is something that goes against our orientation it is verh confusing. For many people it is the moment when the alarm bells, but experimenting on more mundane porn induced fetishes may lead to disastrous effect. It is hard but we should ignore effects of escalation and wait to eradicate them.

I just never imagined my whole life that someday I would watch escalated P genres. It started with trans women at first.
At least the good thing is that I never went all the way to actually sleep with a trans or a man.

I have actually heard from a few gay guys that they too have been aroused by, and some have even slept with women. They too have watched straight porn but it didn’t change the fact that they were gay.

It has been a big journey with porn leading to all sorts of negative feelings, confusion and doubts about oneself.

You are right. We should just give it time I guess. A long break to heal from the damage caused by watching too much P. Just don’t want to look back anymore and live life in reality to enjoy it, not watching P on the screen , questioning oneself and wasting time.

 

[cascadence27]

I'm sure about that, but you could have avoided a lot of sufferings and saved a lot of energy by doing things in the correct order

Doing what things exactly? One thing I know is that I never should have married in the first place. But I can’t change the past now can I ?

Only the future to look forward to and make something of it now.

 

[Freedom_from_PMO]

I just never imagined my whole life that someday I would watch escalated P genres. It started with trans women at first.

I think that escalation is such a new phenomenon that most people are unaware of that and just assumethat if you watch some kind of porn you have to be into it irl. I escalated to generally bdsm and submission related fetishes and gay porn was at the extreme end of this in a way. My natural kink that I developed in early childhood (furries) feels very random like most of natural kinks but when it comes to escalation there is a "logic" to it. For example femdom->trans->femboys->regular gay porn. There is usually some direction to it.

I have actually heard from a few gay guys that they too have been aroused by, and some have even slept with women. They too have watched straight porn but it didn’t change the fact that they were gay.

For some gay men it is just uncomfortable, but for some it is disgusting and almost a treason. You had sex with a woman? Are you perverted or what? I have seen some such discussions on the internet.

It has been a big journey with porn leading to all sorts of negative feelings, confusion and doubts about oneself.

You are right. We should just give it time I guess. A long break to heal from the damage caused by watching too much P. Just don’t want to look back anymore and live life in reality to enjoy it, not watching P on the screen , questioning

I think that you will be fine, it just takes time.

 

[Do all to the glory of God]

Marriege before sex is a suicide. You never know how's the chemistry with a girl before having sex: you two could be soul mate but sex may be terrible. In that case, you surely don't want to marry that girl.

Hope you learn for the future

I would strongly disagree with this. I have never had sex outside of marriage, and am still married to my first girlfriend.

#1: When you, as a couple, wait until marriage, your communication is not limited to the universal physical language that subverts true mental connections--you can actually talk to communicate. Regardless of whom you might marry, most of your relationship involves talking. Only a small percentage of your communication/connection will involve the physical intercourse. If the two people in the relationship do not connect at a mental/intellectual level, there's no point trying the physical to see if it will keep you connected. It won't. That's about like having a baby to keep you together--a huge fail for many couples.

#2: When you know, and your partner knows, that neither of you has waited until marriage to enter the sexual relationship, you know that your "significant other" does not regard the marriage relationship as sacred and inviolable. That means that he or she might be finding someone else on the side just as easily as how he or she consented for you. This means you have lost TRUST in the relationship. That trust can never be truly regained. You only had one chance to show the strength of your fidelity, and you blew it already. You cannot, while married, cease having sexual relations for awhile to show him or her your change of heart--it would do the opposite, and he or she would most certainly be suspicious that you had found some other outlet. Why should your words be trusted either at this point?

This is part of the reason that divorces have become so commonplace. The happiest marriages will be among those who waited for their wedding day to know their partners fully.

Before marriage, talk. Ask questions. Spend time together in a variety of situations: shopping, babysitting, at work, camping with friends (group setting), taking walks together, going on a picnic, cooking, housecleaning, taking the car in for repairs--or fixing it together, if you have the skill, playing music together, etc. Avoid going to the movies, because everyone is just supposed to sit quietly without talking or making noise. Anyplace where you're not getting to know each other via communication is a waste of time. Once married, will you still have enough in common to keep up the mutual interest?

Building a marriage might be compared to building a house. You don't just walk up to any house and expect it to be your dream house. Neither would you just ask your friend to build you one, giving him no directions as to how to do it. You would communicate extensively with the builders, making sure each part was just how you liked it, before settling on it. It takes planning and work. In similar manner, a good marriage doesn't just happen by chance. With planning for the future, working on it together, it can be a very satisfying relationship.

 

[Freedom_from_PMO]

We didn’t even have sex all the way before the marriage.

This is not a problem.

I used to question my attraction towards her too(she was a bit heavy and bigger for me), but I had such low self-esteem that I thought I would never be able to get any other woman better or more attractive than her.

This however is. Especially if there are no other factors to compensate that.

Marriege before sex is a suicide. You never know how's the chemistry with a girl before having sex: you two could be soul mate but sex may be terrible. In that case, you surely don't want to marry that girl.

Hope you learn for the future

I'm sure about that, but you could have avoided a lot of sufferings and saved a lot of energy by doing things in the correct order

OP and his wife were never "soul mates" in the first place. Maybe I am wierd but I believe that if you are soul mates with someone and mutually attracted to each other sex isn't that hard to figure out.

 

[modern milarepa]

Well cascadence27 you learned about female nature by getting married and that's a great teaching you win already, you are very young and didnt get her pregnant I hope.
So remember always that experience even if you find the "right girl" and you overcome your sexual problems women are very difficult to deal with no matter how "special" they look and act.

 

[Beekind]

i feel your pain mate.
It is a self-esteem issue.
Start working on it straight away.
Don't fight your addiction yet, start slowly and as you grow in confidence start stretch your streaks.

Your story is the norm and not the exception.

How do u work on your self-esteem?
Write down every day 15 times or so:
I have healthy self-esteem or healthier self-esteem.
i am a confident man. or my confidence is always growing.

It will take a bit of time but your brain will change and so will your behavior. ( expect few months to few years)
Don't think there is something wrong with you, the governments around the world failing to protect their citizens from this evil industry.