Do I sabotage myself?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Paulie G., Jun 7, 2020.

  1. Paulie G.

    Paulie G. Fapstronaut

    Hi guys,

    I didn't have too many experiences with women in the past, and so i always said to myself i would have to take every "opportunity" that i get in order to get more experienced.
    Because if I am unexperienced i'm unattractive to women and therefore i stay unexperienced, it's a stupid cycle.

    Anyway I got Tinder yesterday and i had a match with a girl who made it pretty clear that she wants a sexdate and she didn't look like a fake either.
    Now that is exactly what i thought i always wanted, but now I don't want it somehow. She's somewhat attractive, a bit crazy maybe haha...

    And now it comes to my mind, that i actually had a few opportunities to get laid, but I didn't take them. Maybe my standards are too high? Or do I have to go through this? I'm pretty sure i would regret it, if i did it. On the other hand i feel that way maybe, because i relapsed and i'm not horny anymore...

    Is it normal to feel like, you would feel bad after sex? That it would have been better to masturbate or even better just not to do it at all? Right now i just wanna stay celibate for the rest of my life, of course in 2 days I'm gonna be horny again and then it looks different, but is this what you feel like after sex?

    I think this is subconsciously what is holding me back, because deep down i don't even really want it...

    Btw what do you think about tinder? It made me relapse yesterday unfortunately... So i think i'm gonna stop it.
  2. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

    Woman are attracted to a confident man. If you act like one it doesn't matter if you don't have experience at all, a woman will think that you have experience.
    It doesn't get easier than that, go and have fun with her. There are a lot of guys here craving for the oportunity to have sex for the first time, don't waste oportunities like this.
    With woman, is better to regret doing something than regreting not doing it at all.
    If you just want a woman to have sex, once you fapped you are not going to be horny at all, so sex with her is not going to be appeling at all. I can assure you that after 1 month in nofap you probably accept the sex invitation rigth away.
    Never, sex is the real thing. It feels great! You are normally going to feel bad after you masturbate.
    This is what you normally think when you are full of porn, your mind told you that you are already having sex with all this models on the screan. Why would you risk or work to get laid with a real person that is not that pritty or sexual?
    I can assure you that sex is the best experience you can have, but porn is making you think that you are better just watching at porn.
    Dating apps, or just dating is not bad at all, but if you are getting triggered because of it to fap then it would be better to avoid it until you have better self control.
    Paulie G. and Kligor like this.
  3. Hello Paulie, I know what you go through. Don't do it. I have been in a similar state of mind once and I am happy nowadays that I didn't do it back then.

    Experience in bed doesn't matter at all. Confidence does! You should know that more sex doesn't make you a better lover. More knowledge doesn't mean that the sex gets better either. It is easy as that. We as a society need to get rid of the thought that sex has to be perfect like in movies. It has not to be like that. Not at all. You can joke during sex, having fun, laugh, make mistakes and even stop if someone feels exhausted. Noone needs to be hurt by feelings - even if your partner has to criticize something. There never should be the feeling of pressure involved! And you should feel comfortable to say anything to your partner. I was very similar to you a few years ago.

    This is one of the most sexist posts ever! Don't even listen to some comment like that. You should treat other people the way you want to be treated!
    If you already feel like you cannot control your porn and masturbation habits what makes you think that this won't jump over your sex behaviour too. I think it is quite risky to start hooking up just for sex with you suffer from such addictions! There could be a shift in your addiction making you want to meet more and more people. Usually people that are addicted to something fall into other addictions quite fast as well.

    The fact that you feel bad about it already before it happened shows that you are not wanting it. I think you should realx more. There is no need to hurry anything. Especially never do something you are not 100% sure about!

    I promise you that you will be horny after sex as well. Probably it won't even take 2 days that you want to get more... ;)

    I was looking around on apps like that too to see if someone would be willing to hook up. I as well got triggered and luckily never met anyone. I think that you are doing the same shows how much your addiction already controls you and your behaviour! At least it did with me. You yourself say you feel you don't want it! You said you had the chance often enough but didn't take it! This is the real you you should listen to!

    Besides don't forget the aspect of STDs my friend! Even when using protection there is always a risk if you mix your partners.
    Paulie G. likes this.
  4. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

    "i had a match with a girl who made it pretty clear that she wants a sexdate" She make it clear that she just wanted sex.. so if he wanted just sex why in the world is he treating her wrong if he meat her just for sex?

    At the end of my post I suggested him the same thing with other words.

    Take a little more time to read about what other people wrote before judging his words.
    Paulie G. likes this.
  5. What bothers me - not about your comment but a general mindset that I found in this forum - is the fact that women are often objectified. Especially for people that are fighting problems attached to sexuality this is kind of dangerous. I will show you what I mean:

    I totally agree with you on this point if you mean it in a context of making friends, asking a girl out, making the first move... but since you said it in the context focused only on sex I completely have to disagree with you! Why would you take the chances to do something that you would regret afterwards - especially if there is something to lose like the progress we made so far?

    The first time should be with someone you can trust and be yourself. Not with some random girl from the internet. This is gonna be as real as the porn you see online. Real, satisfying sex does not only include at least two persons being naked humping each other. There should be a bigger cause for having sex! Otherwise you reduce it to its basic elements and it just turns into a tool like P & M. The goal of sex should not be 'to not feel horny anymore'.

    I never said you were wrong in the other points. I also took your point of view about the fact that women like confidence in men. I guess we both did him a favor helping him out then!

    Don't take my harsh words too personal. Some of the things I wrote for the community and not directly addressed to you! We are all here to help each other and we should be able to speak our mind freely. I am criticizing some of your words but I don't want to attack or even judge you on a personal level. I don't know you and do not know what you have been threw! Sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable though! I just like a good (fighting) discussion. I probably should have joined the debate club in school when I was younger.. ;)

    Take care!
    Paulie G. likes this.
  6. melville

    melville Fapstronaut

    I think the reason you think you might feel bad afterwards is because you do no care for her yet. Then it's just like masturbation. It feels good in the moment but soon afterwards you'll realize you only satisfied your desire momentarily and your cravings will be back
    Paulie G. likes this.
  7. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

    So in your opinion he should never take risks. he should question hymself every decition and if he could regret of it he'd better not do it. Come on man.. that's so weak. Man that have confident in hymself goes out of their confort zone and if that turn out to be a bad call he don't regret about it, he learns about it and keep on pushing to succed.
    This is what you think sex should be, and is totally fine. But there are a lot of ways to enjoy consent sex with another person and have nothing to do with porn. You can enjoy sex with the person you love or with a person you just met. Let him discover his own ways to enjoy it.
    Same here!
    Paulie G. likes this.
  8. Paulie G.

    Paulie G. Fapstronaut

    Well, thanks for your advice @p1n1983 and @tavla

    So i read both of your advice and I wasn't sure what to do, but she started mentioning, that she has mental problems. I started to feel really bad about the thing, so i unmatched her and deleted Tinder. I like to tell myself, that i did it, because she was crazy, but probably me being afraid played an important role as well.

    These things I don't understand. I mean this is what going on a date is all about, right? The woman tries to find out if you go on a lot of dates, if you know what you are doing, if you are successful with women. Short: If other women want you. On a subconscious level of course.

    I know that women call this "confidence". But of course confidence is not something you either have or not. Maybe you are confident on a basketball court, but not confident in math class or the other way around. my point is that people are confident in areas, where they have a lot of experience in and are successful in.

    but the big question is: How do you get started in a field that requiers you to be confident to even get started. It's like you start boxing and you immediately have to fight against someone who has been doing it for years, because most women start going on dates, when they are 14 or so. So girls in my age have already 8 years of experience. While I ask myself questions like "how do you kiss a girl? / what do you do with your lips during a kiss?"

    Is the idea to just "fake it till you make it"? They would see right through it, they have been on hundreds of dates and are used to guys, that have also been on hundreds of dates.

    It seems to me that, if you miss out on this when you are 14-18 years old you are going to have a very hard time, just because everybody else has experience and is "confident"...
  9. Having mental issues does not suggest that someone is immediately crazy. In the end mental illnesses can affect all of us. Nevertheless, I think you chose wisely not to follow this path.

    No, not at all. For some women it can be even a downer if you think you can have every girl. Of course, it depends on the type of woman that she finds attractive and confident. Here is a list to give you a hint what I undestand under confidence:
    • Knowing what you want in life!
    • Being determind and willing to go the extra step.
    • Is being able to lead her and or is able to allow her to lead to.
    • Is great with kids.
    • Is not shy (do not confuse this with being a silent person) with family or friends.
    • Is funny and has a high frustration level.
    • Being direct in communication but not hurtful.
    • Feeling protected when being with you.
    One thing that you for sure can start with is making female friends. You will learn how to talk and treat women the right way. It can be great fun being part being accepted of such a group and give you so much confidence.

    I can guarantee you that there a lots of girls/women who think different. They may be not so visible since they are having problably the same thoughts as you right now but they do exist to thousands. ;)

    I promise you it is not like that. It took myself also very very long time but I had many many chances later on. I had my first time with 24 but had many chances after that without even trying. The sentence "nice guys finish last" is not reflecting on the reality. As soon as girls know you are a nice guy and that you won't simply exploit them they are actually very attracted to you. Also being nice has nothing to do with being a strong partner too.

    What are you looking for? A girlfriend or an adventure?
    Paulie G. likes this.
  10. OhWhenThe

    OhWhenThe Fapstronaut

    It's impressive that after just one day you had a girl offering sex to you on a plate.

    I've never used a dating app before but the impression I get from most guys is that they're a waste of time and a complete confidence killer. Maybe you're just very good looking though, I'm sure that helps :D
    tavla likes this.
  11. Paulie G.

    Paulie G. Fapstronaut

    thanks for your quick answer :)

    Okay maybe i used the wrong word (not a native speaker). I just had the impression, that she is very negative, because she wrote, that she cancelled her apprenticeship, because her life was shitty etc. That was a bit strange so i wasn't really into it anymore.

    Hm, I don't really no what to believe anymore, because for every person, that writes something, there is someone that writes the opposite. And I feel like i have all this knowledge, from so many pick up videos or reading in forums about this, but i actually never applied anything, because i can't do it. Funny thing is, that i was in quarantine for like 3 months now and left the house maybe 4 times and didn't even notice any difference to my normal life...

    And making friends with girls is a good idea, but i still need to interact with them somehow, which idk how to start. Really i think you overestimate me. If you would add all the things up i ever said to women in my life (outside of family) you would be under 10 minutes for sure lol. But thanks for that tip i think with this idea in the back of my mind i will be more relaxed.

    what do you mean by this? I don't think women think about this like that. I don't even think they think about it at all, for them it's the most natural thing to have a boyfriend or lovers, like having friends or parents, it just happens to them, they just pick one. My sister is 16 and has a boyfriend and she is more shy than me by a factor 10'000. Or maybe you mean very very unattractive women, but i'm not interested in that, maybe i sound like an asshole, but i couldn't be with someone i don't find attractive, i'm rather alone then.

    A girlfriend would be nice, but i'm not willing to take anything that comes my way, so my standards are a too high maybe idk.
  12. Paulie G.

    Paulie G. Fapstronaut

    Hm idk, as i said she didn't look and act like a fake at all, but i guess you never know.

    I hope i look good, man. you have to have at least one thing going for you, right? hahah
    but seriously idk anymore if i look good or if i'm ugly. Some people say i look good on the other hand pretty women tend to ignore me, but i recently found out that nothing ever happens with women if you don't start it, which i haven't until now, so who knows...
  13. Well of course there are many many many ways that work because everybody has different expectations and needs. What may work for one woman will not work for another.

    Did you ever think to travel alone? This can give you a huge boost in self esteem. You will get to know many nice open minded people on the road and will be forced to get out of your shell. By traveling I gained so much confidence in myself.

    I have met plenty nice girls, good looking who simply didn't find a boyfriend even though they wanted one. Girls go threw the same life experiences as boys. That is out of question! You are sure not alone with your situation.

    I have seen my share of them but have decided for myself that I reject them. Often I think they use prejudices about women and work with quite manipulative methods. Being yourself is the best you can be. You may can succeed with women by impressing them with special technics but sooner or later your real face will show anyways. So why even bother trying to be someone else. If you want substainable relationships and success work on yourself, gain some more confidence and leave your comfort zone!
    Paulie G. likes this.
  14. Paulie G.

    Paulie G. Fapstronaut

    thanks @tavla for your advice!

    I will consider to travel alone in the future, depending on how this lockdown thing goes. Sounds like a good idea. Were you "shy" and went to travel alone?

    Ok that's interesting. I guess that's my problem. That i don't have real life experience, overthink everything and therefore drift away from reality further and further. I have to somehow take action once this lockdown is over. I hope having a decent streak will help me too.

    Btw i read your journal and it was interesting, i am glad you found a great girlfriend! We started our streak at a similar time, so let's make it to a month :)
  15. At a certain point in my life I was as shy as I could get. Nevertheless, I was always a communicative person but didn't know how to start a conversation. It was just hard for me to open up because of the fear of judgement and denial. In the friend circle I always was the quite one. When I started to travel alone I still would consider myself to be shy but already had jumped over my shadow already a few times. Besides that, I always had a contact where I went to. They were not friends but people where I could sleep at or that would show me around. Couchsurfing was quite helpful to find someone. Did you ever saw Yes Theroy on YouTube? Maybe that will give you a taste of "seeking discomfort" as they say. :)

    Thank you! I gladly would do that!

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