Do I tell her...again?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by newbeginnings97, Nov 26, 2018.

  1. newbeginnings97

    newbeginnings97 New Fapstronaut

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    Long story short, my addiction slowly moved towards escorts until I actually saw one. I felt so guilty I seriously considered suicide. After a few months I told my girlfriend, the day we got engaged. She was supportive and helped me begin the process of overcoming my addiction. Since then I have slipped back into my addiction, and we have gotten married. We are long distance and I basically end up binging during the work week then recovering when I see her on the weekend. Last night in a drunken stupor I saw an escort again and I am so disgusted with myself. On top of things, her father passed away recently and she is very emotionally unstable. I don't know if I should tell her again, and if so how and when. My gut says that it is right to tell her, but that I should wait until things settle down for her and we can be together full time. I hate myself so much that I just cannot think straight and I want to hear what people here think.
     
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  2. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    I would suggest that you tell her. I would also point out that there is a difference between recovery and abstinence. You may be abstaining from PMO (and related behaviours) while with your wife, but that is not recovery. Sharing that you acted out and confessing to your wife seems more like recovery. Your wife's emotional state is something to take into account, but should not be an excuse for keeping your behaviour a secret. There are members of this site with more experience than me with this kind of disclosure, and I would suggest talking to them and asking for their advice on how to disclose, but I would suggest that you make sure that you do disclose this. Self-disgust and destructive behaviours can be overcome, but dishonesty is going to protect them and invite them to continue destroying your life. Even if this disclosure leads to your wife leaving you, forever or temporarily while she recovers from the trauma and you progress in some actual recovery, this is a better outcome than continuing along this path, secretively sabotaging your relationship, your self-image and your mental health. Recovery is worth the loss of your partner's love, but it could well earn it. What you have engaged in recently does not deserve love. You can do better. Good luck.
     
  3. Atomicflea

    Atomicflea Fapstronaut

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    I completely agree with @samnf1990 but also take into consideration you’re risking the health of your wife (and yourself) with potential STDs. She needs and deserves to know the truth and get herself checked the sooner the better. You need to take responsibility for your actions and face the consequences. I know it’s tough and scary but you need to overcome your feelings of fear and shame but by not being honest with your wife you are being selfish and recovery won’t begin for either of you. I’m a wife of a PA and the lies hurt me more than the acting out. The majority of other SOs feel the same way. I expect my husband to relapse (he’s only human and he’s been addicted since he was a pre-teen) but by being honest with me we can then work together as a team to make sure it doesn’t happen again. You can’t do this alone and ‘whitekuckle’ it. You need the support from therapists, group sessions, online community, accountability partners, but most importantly, from trusted family and friends including your wife, if she is willing. You can do this @newbeginnings97. We have your back. X
     
  4. Telling her will help but won't solve your problems. You likely need big changes and upheaval in your daily routine. You may need Covenant Eyes to keep your internet activity open and honest. You may need multiple accountability partners, and a men's group, to keep you focused, especially while you are away from home. Maybe you need a new job so you can BE home more. Write down a plan of life, tear your old life down and build the new one. There are many programs and sites online, and in person, to help!
     
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  5. Joe1023

    Joe1023 Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    This is really extreme and there are so many more risks than simple porn addiction. I am absolutely not judging you in any way here, I just think that this addiction is so dangerous in so many more ways than simple porn addiction, I really think you need to tell your wife. There could be a possible STD, the escort might become obsessed with you, her "management" may not be happy with you for some reason, etc. The list goes on and on. It will obviously suck to have to tell her, but it will ALWAYS (NO exceptions!) be better to hear it from you than from someone else, or worst of all, to catch you herself.
     

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