Do I tell my wife?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Kaput, Mar 24, 2020.

  1. Joe1023

    Joe1023 Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant




    Wow. Okay, so I was trying to keep things respectful, but you clearly don't care about that. So since we're not worrying about being respectful, let me point out a couple of things that you clearly have no idea about:


    1. First off, no one said you were wrong about anything. People are respectfully disagreeing with you and you can’t even respectfully disagree back. You have to start an argument because you think people are trying to call you out or something for lying or just having wrong facts, and again, no one has done that. Stop being so self-righteous and arrogant saying that my list of things isn’t even relevant to bring up! These are opinions, not facts or arguable statements! People are trying to respectfully disagree with you, not prove you wrong or be obnoxious about differing opinions like you are. Learn the difference!!

    2. Sure, let’s get more into this! I’ve been married for over 20 years now, I’ve been an addict for over 30 years, and I’ve been in recovery for about 3 years. How much experience do you have with addiction, recovery, and marriage? (I see your profile states that you’re only 22 years old, by the way. Is this where you tell us that’s a lie to make yourself look more experienced with all of this?)

    3. Gambling addiction risks the income of the family, yes, but have you ever thought that people with porn/sex addictions are spending money as well? There are people who have maxed out entire credit cards taken out just for engaging in a sex/porn addiction.

    4. Drug addiction obviously puts your health at risk, but if you think porn addiction does nothing negative to a person’s brain, you clearly haven’t done any research on this subject. This website will tell you ALL about how porn affects the human brain. Unless, of course, you think you know more than all the people that did all that research and the THOUSANDS of stories found linked at the bottom of the page that are consistent with all the data presented on the page.

    5. Porn addiction may not put an addict at risk to death like an alcohol addiction can, but you obviously have no idea about how unpredictable it can make an addict who doesn’t care about anything and only wants to be alone to get back to porn. And if you think for even half a second that no one has ever been in legal trouble over a sex addiction, you should probably keep your opinion on anything concerning this addiction to yourself until you’ve learned the basics about it.

    6. You obviously have zero clue about eating addictions. https://oa.org/ is a website devoted a 12 step program for people with eating addictions. Just because you’re never heard of something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. That kind of statement is an extreme slap in the face to people who struggle with that addiction.

    7. NO ONE here has said ANYTHING about arranged marriages. I don’t get why you even brought that up. No one is saying anything about not having a choice in marriage.

    8. This brings me to my final point. If a married man occasionally uses porn and it truly isn’t a problem at all for him, then that’s not an addiction, and that’s NOT the person we are talking about when we say he must tell his wife. She needs to know about it because it will drastically affect her.

    Let me try to point this out in a different way. Let’s say you have an extensive collection of some very valuable things. You are also very sentimentally attached to them because some were left to you and you worked hard to find and paid a lot buy others, but don’t think about the collection much because its all buried somewhere deep in a basement that you never go to. If you were married and your wife was pawning things off bit by bit to buy and smoke weed while you were at work everyday, would you want to know?
     
  2. Splashh

    Splashh Fapstronaut

    Well funny enough I really respect and like your reply but I guess we are just different you get upset over little things I was just proving my point no need to take it the wrong way, like a personal attack.


    1. Okay then, what was the power play about? 'majority here disagrees with your version of a lie?' Obviously a few people don't match up to the entire world but anyways so what was your point in saying that statement if not a powerplay?

    I like to get the truth out there if someone brings up a point that is wrong I will tell them. Sorry if it hurts your feelings in the process, am I just supposed to just let you get away with sending the wrong message, what kind of backwards world would we live in then.

    I note your point, I see it a lot in my life people getting upset when I tear down their view, but that's just me if your wong I will tell you, and I prefer the same I only deem it unacceptable if the person doesn't offer an explanation.


    2. A power play again and that's irrelevant to what I asked you to get more specific about. You suggest that I would lie to look like I have more experience.

    Okay, let's get into this, I don't have experience with marriage, I haven't been married but I've been in long relationships, but none of that matters, you think you know better because you know 1 human, the way your wife reacts is different to every other human, you have experience with one person not with the entire world.

    Your petty accusation is nothing more than an insult, it proves nothing, that's the difference between me and you, I will give you an explanation and you will take offense by it but you just insult someone for the sake of insulting. You personally attack people whereas I argue points that are a treat to your views and you get upset by that and deem it out of order and disrespectful.


    3. Well, I guess I am arguing for myself really and my own situation really, I didn't expect other people to be that bad because I consider myself a porn addict but I'm leagues away from becoming unreliable.


    4. Drug addiction causes death and brain damage making you permanently disabled or dead, I'm so sorry but, porn doesn't come close, you can still provide for your family till a natural death after 50-60 years while watching porn. Being a drug addict all it takes is a few seconds to be dead or disabled for the rest of your life, they are not the same.


    5. Again the unpredictability of alcohol is in every user that drinks it, however in a porn addict... yes I don't doubt there is a small minority of people with very high unpredictability, that do match the severity of alcohol but the number is very low, it's not equal, not even close.


    6. Okay, so I didn't think eating addiction should be something you must tell your wife, how is that even a slap in the face let alone an extreme slap in the face?


    7. Okay, I get your worried about what else I would think is okay in marriage but that's none of your business, it's between my future wife and me, it's her place to worry, and my future wife wouldn't be concerned in the same way you are because if she were we wouldn't match ( its not like an arranged marriage where you don't know exactly who your getting involved with ) therefore I wouldn't have a wife like you so you've nothing to worry about because she would be fine with me and I'd be fine with her.
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2020
  3. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    It took my sex life away and reprogrammed his brain to just hard and off. So barely no sex, no foreplay no nothing but some humping till cum and then say ahh that felt so good.
     
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  4. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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  5. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    How do you “know” exactly who you are marrying if they think it’s ok to keep hidden certain aspects of their life? No, I did not know I was marrying a porn addict. He kept it very well hidden. By your definition if I keep the fact that I have hiv a secret u less asked, that’s ok. If I keep secret that I had 3 pregnancies that I put up for adoption, that’s ok. If I’m a cam girl, or escort, he doesn’t need to know I’m not a waitress, right?
     
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  6. WolfHound 獣

    WolfHound 獣 Fapstronaut

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    First of all, I wanna state my age is between 20-24 , so you are encourage to throw stones at me as much as you like for that reason .

    Second, Miss Bible quote, your comparisons are not adequate.

    And most important, guys, you are arguing like females do .
     
  7. WolfHound 獣

    WolfHound 獣 Fapstronaut

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    And in case you missed my position : Tell no one, but escape as fast as you can .

    To the people believe in fairy tails like the perfect marriage. Is it better to tell you everything, but do nothing to change? Or is it better to hide some things, yet change them !

    Are you people telling everything? All the time ?
    If yes . You have my admiration, but if not.. Put that emphasis on escaping, not on telling others you are making wrong moves . Make right moves .
     
  8. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I don’t think anyone believes in a perfect marriage. Everyone makes mistakes. We may be arguing like “ women” but you guys are most definitely arguing like addicts! Lol. So, being a cam girl is different than paying to view one? Being a stripper is different than paying to view one? A lie is a lie. Addicts lie to themselves and others all the time. They just justify why it’s ok.
     
  9. Splashh

    Splashh Fapstronaut

    Did I say that! You taking literal text and twisting and coming up with a different meaning. your reply is ridiculous you already know from an earlier reply with you what I think you should and should say to your wife so you can read over them because you should know your reply right now is ridiculous.
     
  10. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I love reading "marriage advice" from an active addict that has not only never been married but has also been on this Earth for less time than my own marriage has been. It gives real creedence to everything they say.
     
  11. Splashh

    Splashh Fapstronaut

    I'm pretty the most of people with internet access watch porn regularly, but let's use the dramatic media word, I won't listen to advise from an addict LOL. no matter who you listen to you make your own choice.
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2020
  12. Splashh

    Splashh Fapstronaut

    exactly why show off parts of you that you hate, don't tell the wife if you don't have to but get out as fast as you can. somethings are better left it the dark.
     
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  13. WolfHound 獣

    WolfHound 獣 Fapstronaut

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    See you don't pay attention .
    I wrote men argue like females , not you .
    It's not the same having sex with someone who is p addict and in contrary with someone who have sexually transmitted disease . If you did three aborts prolly you cannot have babies no more , which is not same as someone who just watch content. Being a stripper and someone who just watch is different . Esp if stripper do more than just that which they so. You better than that reasoning ... I am sure ..

    And yet thank you for your view. I appreciate it.
     
  14. WolfHound 獣

    WolfHound 獣 Fapstronaut

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    Let them stones coming . Yet my advice is better . Prove me wrong . Age is not an argument . Being honest . If it is about being honest this guy should not have lied for so long. Funny , and you are addict in a marriage too . And act so tough. Appreciate a good advice from a young bull. Don't be so .. distant .
     
  15. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I didn’t say abortion... I said adoption, so who isn’t paying attention? I’m not sure why you think a stripper or cam girl keeping that part of their life secret is any different than keeping your viewing them a secret?
     
  16. WolfHound 獣

    WolfHound 獣 Fapstronaut

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    Excuse me , English is not my mother tongue and I mixed words .

    Being a stripper is more aggressive , more developed form . It is expressive.

    Basically, is not the same thing . Watching vs doing.
     
  17. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Ah... fair enough. That would be where the misunderstanding came from earlier then too. I misunderstood you’re use of “ you guys “ which generally means everyone in the conversation not just the men. I make mistakes when speaking Spanish as it’s not my first language! I guess on the stripper we will have to agree to disagree... I see absolutely no difference between the stripper and the person paying as both are active participants in my opinion. Just understand, that most ( not all) women will not respond well to being lied to about your porn use. They will not view it as a “ personal problem” that you protected them from.
     
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  18. WolfHound 獣

    WolfHound 獣 Fapstronaut

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    Appreciated .
     
  19. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    So we are in agreement that not telling her is lying.


    I am not an addict, my husband is. He lied, hid, and betrayed me for 20 years with his addiction. He never came to me with the truth, he was caught. Then he lied, hid, and betrayed me some more. He is now in recovery.

    For the record, my comment was directed at @Splashh .

    I'm not sure why any of us are still arguing about this anyway. The OP already told his wife and she is supporting him. That should be the end of this thread.
     
  20. Joe1023

    Joe1023 Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Okay, I’ll address your last post bit by bit. First off, let’s start with

    Not sure why you think I’m getting upset. I didn’t take anything the wrong way. You, a 22 year old with zero experience with marriage, are telling a porn addict that he should keep his porn addiction a secret from his wife, which is a stupid thing to say. Not upset, just pointing out a stupid statement.



    What do you mean, powerplay? I never said the majority of the people on Earth disagree with you. I said the majority HERE, as in on this forum. How many people have agreed with your point and how may have disagreed with you on this? My point in saying that was that you have zero experience with marriage, yet you somehow thought it was necessary to give advice to the OP…. advice that most people on this forum disagree with.




    So you’re saying that people who state their OPINION, are wrong if the opinion is different from yours? You’re talking about right and wrong in a thread that asked for people’s opinion. So are you saying that your opinion is the only correct one?




    Again with the whole “your opinion is wrong” thing from you. Why is it that if people have opinions that aren’t yours, they’re wrong? And while we’re on the subject, why is your opinion about marriage (AGAIN, something you have NO experience with) the only correct one???




    I figured that’s something you might do, yes. And I thought that because you seem to have a very self-righteous opinion about marriage. You obviously think lying is okay too. So you’ll have to pardon me if I thought lying wasn’t beneath you about this.



    You’ve been in long relationships, huh? How long? Were you two committed to each other? As in legally? No. Then you still have no experience with marriage. Yes, I’ve known one woman, in marriage, who is my wife, for over 20 years now, something you clearly know nothing about. And yes, people react differently to different things. So why are you so adamant that your opinion is correct? (Especially when you know nothing about the OP’s wife OR marriage.)



    Wow, that’s actually pretty funny. So what exactly was my accusation? It’s a FACT that you have no experience with marriage, yet decided to weigh in on this. You said I personally attack people. How did I do that? You say that you argue points that are a treat to our views. That’s the part I laughed at. That’s like saying my advice on this corona virus is a treat to the world health organization. And I take zero offense to you or your ignorant ramblings here. The only reason I even considered commenting to your post is that I hope no one is foolish enough to take your advice.





    I don’t even understand what you meant by this. Did someone call you unreliable? Are you saying that because you don’t THINK you’re that bad in your addiction, that the OP probably isn’t either, and should therefore keep his addiction secret and hidden from his wife? I sure hope not.




    There is literally no one here who said they are the same. I have no idea where you’re getting that from. I made a comparison between the two, but I never said they were the same. If you knew anything about genuine recovery, you’d know that one of the most basic principles is bringing things into the light. Exposing all the things done is secret. No one is saying that porn/sex addiction is as dangerous or more dangerous to a person’s health than drug addiction. All I’m saying is that sex addiction has health risks, just like most addictions. So to say that a person addicted to porn is no different, health-wise and mentally, than a person who doesn’t struggle with porn, is just false, plain and simple.





    Wow. AGAIN, no one said they are the exact same. Where are you getting this from?!?! In 2016, I was severely into my porn addiction, and my wife and kids all said that I was a ticking time bomb. I would go off on the littlest things, while bigger things didn’t seem like much of a problem. And you say that the number of people with very high unpredictability is very low? I’d LOVE to know where you got that information from. (You didn’t just pull that out of thin air, did ya???)





    I brought up eating addiction as another example of something people shouldn’t keep from their spouses and you replied with, “I dont know what your problem here i think you just wanted to add another thing?” Saying that made it sound like you don’t believe its an actual thing, but that I just brought it up for some fake ammo for my argument. And if that was the case, I simply wanted to point out to you that it is a real thing that a LOT of people struggle with.



    Actually it is my business. When you start spewing garbage advice to addicts looking for some help, as an addict myself, and as a mod assistant on this site, it is absolutely my business to bring up the right thing to do, as well as point out what senseless advice was that was given, if any.


    I’m going to take this opportunity to not comment on what kind of woman would marry you. But I will say that if/when you do get married, I hope you tell her right up front about your addiction, and I hope you both get therapy and counseling to work with each other daily.


    This was fun.
     
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