Do nudes/sexting in a committed relationship hinder progress?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by man who wants to be better, Dec 27, 2021.

  1. man who wants to be better

    man who wants to be better New Fapstronaut

    I am in a relationship of almost one year. I am only about a week into my official recovery. I have abstained from porn probably a few days longer than that, but I mark that day as my official starting point.

    I met my girlfriend online and we began dating after a few months of being close friends. We are very long distance and, as of now, have not met in person. We have, however, sent nudes and sexted over the course of our relationship. That was just our alternative to actually being able to have sex.

    At times this has been excessive. We have spent hours sending pictures and videos back and forth. On multiple occasions. We talked about this after she found out about my porn addiction and we both agreed that our sexting was out of hand as well.

    We have plans to meet in a couple months when things are better for both of us. But we probably won't be living together long-term for a few more years. I am including this because intimacy is important of course. We have been having more meaningful conversations instead of just showing each other our bodies. And that is another aspect of intimacy but I believe both are important. You just need the right mixture.

    Anyway, I am just wondering if maybe anyone in their own experience has some advice or insight. I am certain if we sent the occasional pic or two, I wouldn't feel a need to go back to porn or anything. Moreso I am thinking about its likeness to porn and the effect on my brain, especially while I am in the very beginning of my recovery. Is it something to abstain from for now, and try to reintroduce in the future? Or stay away from forever?

    Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated. Thanks
  2. jcl1990

    jcl1990 Fapstronaut

    Just my opinion, but as long as you don’t ejaculate any semen you won’t lose progress. Also, don’t go back and rewatch the videos or look at the pictures again. Just look at them only during the sexting but that’s all.

    why do you have to wait to live together for so long? Why draw out the relationship for so long like this?

    Edit: ah, I see you are only 18. Idk man a lot can happen in a few years. If you think the long distance thing can work for that long, then good luck with it
  3. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

    I would avoid sending nudes because they can act or be used like porn.

    You are in a relationship but until you meet in person and are together for a long time in person, you will never know.

    When I was 17 I met a girl online. I flew and met her several times. We were crazy about each other. I went to college across the country to be with her. My porn addiction hindered our relationship. I was also too emotionally immature to be in a healthy relationship. We lasted two plus years before I left her for a cam girl because I didn’t want to cheat. I regret that part, but I don’t regret the relationship or moving across country or school. It’s part of my life experience. I don’t like to share it with people because it makes me look like a naive foolish child, which I was. But I did chase love and it was amazing. I wasn’t ready in my addiction or me as a person to be in a long in person healthy relationship that can last.

    Sharing my experience. Go live the life that brings you the most joy and health and success.
    AllenJT and hope4healing like this.
  4. man who wants to be better

    man who wants to be better New Fapstronaut

    Thank you if we do I am gonna just keep it during the moment and then move on.
    jcl1990 likes this.
  5. man who wants to be better

    man who wants to be better New Fapstronaut

    Yeah im really young im only 18 and I actually met her when I was 17 too. I have realized that i have been emotionally immature at times as well. that is something i am working on and i feel like quitting will help a lot with that. I agree with the nudes being kinda like porn tho. it is just hard since we are so far from each other. I hope when we are finally able to see each other a lot of that tension will be broken since we will have the opportunity to be physical with each other. I don't want my addiction to get in the way of my relationship or my life.
  6. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

    If you are an addict, it will affect your relationship no matter what you do. Also being together often brings up new pleasures and new challenges. It’s harder in many ways but a necessary for a long term relationship. The most important thing for your life is to quit porn and your addiction. The odds say you’ll have many partners in your life. But while they come and go, you will always be yourself and have to live with yourself. It’s easier to live with yourself if you give up this addiction early.
    TheDude SA likes this.
  7. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    Avoid it, you'll end up relapsing sexting is wasting energy also you need to get erect, for the girl is not a big deal but for a man even if you don't ejaculate that arousal I find it quite disturbing mentally and physically.

    I do it very very rarely like 2 times a year but I avoid it.
  8. Real Jerry Seinfeld

    Real Jerry Seinfeld Fapstronaut

    I think sexting and dirty photos definitely puts temptation in your way. Especially when they're actually trying to get you to jerk it as well obviously. Found it somewhat annoying when I was dating, it's getting teased with no payoff.

    In all honesty though mate, as an older man, buy a plane ticket, go over there and see her face-to-face. A spark online doesn't always translate and some girls will talk a good game then bottle it in person. Focusing on girls who are within an accessible distance is a good strategy generally.
    feedthebear likes this.
  9. feedthebear

    feedthebear Fapstronaut

    I‘ve been married for 12 years. My wife has sent me the occasional risqué photo/video (no nudes, but definitely stimulating). I have them saved, but don’t look at them during this phase in my recovery. I guess I feel like I’m not only quitting porn, but all pixel related sexual activity. Sadly, for now, this includes these photos.

    I don’t know you, and I’m about 15 years older. Dating is a lot different now. However, my 2 cents is this: you and this girl have been raised in the era of high speed internet. Sexual gratification has always been at your fingertips. Even though you both consider this a relationship, I wonder how much of your sexting/nude swapping could be fueled by the amount of time both of you have spent sexually gratifying yourselves through the internet. She could be just as entwined in the porn trap as yourself, but just hasn’t made that self-realization yet. This cyber-sex could just be an extension of her own addiction/adverse sexually focused internet use.

    If it were me, I would abstain from this as much as possible. Additionally, I would follow the previous post’s advice:

    Maybe for now you should focus on real human interaction. Either by visiting this girl in person and continuing your sexual relationship face-to-face, or breaking it off and connecting with people in your immediate area.
  10. Jay.Rhone34

    Jay.Rhone34 Fapstronaut

    I believe it is , I used to do it often to my partner just thinking it’s just a nut, but I was actually cheating engaging In dirty talk, sending pics that should only be sent to my partner. What made me stop was putting myself in my partners shoes and seeing how much I’m loved and appreciated, it would be selfish of me to continue
  11. You mentioned that you haven't met yet. That's the point I want to focus on. I feel like before you have those sexual experiences, it's important to have intimate and emotional moments with her. Meeting the person is very different, and so much better as well. Being long-distance is frustrating and sexting or mutual masturbation on the phone will be satisfying. However, I recommend until you meet in person, just so that when you meet, its not only sexual.

    Now is this similar to porn? I would say no. You're sexting and exchanging photos or videos with a real person. You're not only feeling sexual, but also intimate, even though its virtual. Just don't abuse it I guess.

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