Do or do not, there is no try

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Bobske, May 24, 2019.

  1. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Day 8 of 90 No PMO 15-10-2019
    82 to go 8,88% reached
    +10 days no O

    Day started early, I was awake at 4, backache. Lots of urges, icthing and bad thoughts.
    After 3 hours of back exercises and work I ran 5 K. That always clears the mind and gets me tired enough not to think of sex.
    Home, SO awake, was upset because she was frigthened, lost faith that I was PM-ing by being up so early.
    Comforted her, talked, took a shower and went back to be for an hour.
    Whole day was a bit itchy. Half an hour for dinner, after working for 9,15 hours I was drained and took another nap.
    SO woke me up half an hour later to start cooking. I was groggy and she started stroking my legs for 10 minutes.
    That was very nice and almost orgasmic. ( @Faceplanter thinking of you there, not at that moment, no :p)
    Her showing interest and no PMO for 90 not meaning no touch made it easier.

    Dinner, a walk together a quiet evening and early to bed. Massaged her back and she mine. (always me doing hers a lot longer but I like doing that for her):D
     
  2. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Day 9 of 90 No PMO 16-10-2019
    81 to go 10,00% reached
    +10 days no O

    Yesterday I made a major test <Warning Triggers>.
    Woke up, started hobbying (made my hobby into work, not calling it work anymore) and sorting orders in the storage.
    When I got back in our apartment SO was us. We hugged, she kissed me passionately, grabbed my ass and when I grabbed her back she pulled me to the bedroom. We made love, with penetration but no O for me! Yeah!
    :D:confused:;)

    She was still sensitive form her period so no O for her either but it was great.

    The rest of the day I spent with D.ivorce friend so lots of talking on his part, listening on mine.
    Home it was a bit much so I took a nap. After dinner best friend of SO called, a lot of drama. She is always like that and it was still full in my head so I didn't take it seriously. Spent the evening painting miniature and SO watched TV.
    When we went to bed I noticed something was wrong I asked what is was and she was angry with me.
    Angry for not caring about her best friend, taking my SO's emotions seriously and I had made a sexual remark.
    She was watching, what turned out to be, Lady Chatterly's lover and I walked in on a sexual scene and said "watching dirty movie without me?", as soon as I said it I knew it was way wrong.

    So I let her be angry, said sorry and she was right. After that she laughed that she let it all out and I thanked her for it.
    Did a meditation together and went to bed.

    Good day because of lots of things that made me realize that I really want to do it.
    (friend D.ivorce works with criminal addict so talked to him about this addiction too).
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2019
  3. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Day 10 of 90 No PMO 17-10-2019
    80 to go 11,11% reached
    +10 days no O

    Strange day. Way too tired for urges, itches and thoughts but knowing that tiredness is a mental trap and trigger so tried to stay alert. Noticing my brain in changing, it is like "hey that was sex without O, oh ok" instead of "what no O!, gimme O".
    Feeling more love and appreciating the little things of my SO more and more and telling her.
    This makes me want ot be close to her physicaaly, touch her and kiss her but that feels more romantic and less hot and horny. That feel good, and I know lust may return and that is good and part of me as well.
    SO is opening up too so that feel very well.
     
  4. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Day 11 of 90 No PMO 18-10-2019
    79 to go 12,22% reached
    +10 days no O

    Yesterday was hard. No urges, itches or a hard one but my brain kept telling me, DO IT!
    Very clearly that this is the mental part of the addiction. My brain bringing up all kind of reasons to do it.
    Luckily I am not my thoughts:

    -You have proven you can do not do it, you have willpower, so you can do it now (right like someone who has been an alcoholic for a long time can safely take a just one beer, just this once, or soemone who stopped smoking just one sigarette, or just one draft NOT):p

    -Why are you doing this, there is no reason, it is perfectly natural. (right, consentual sex between 2(or more;))adults is natural, wanting sex is natural, even M now and than might be natural, I don't know. Right now, and maybe forever I'm an addict so that is just my brain trying to get me back to my addiction) GO AWAY!:mad:

    -Your SO is never going to give you enough sex to satisfy your needs! Why not? What are my needs? I don't know because I'm addicted and have never stopped PMO long enough to get to know my natural needs, for
    years! And thus my realtionship with my SO has never been natural. Besides, things change and I cannot see into the future. Why think negative, maybe she wants to jump my bones more often than I want her too in the future :rolleyes:

    -You are not strong enough, if it is difficult after 10 days (or 20 without O) how will 90 be? Impossible?
    Right addicted brain, you are going to calm down and be easier, I've been doing NoFap since 1st of March 2019 and although I have relapsed I have noticed one thing, it gets easier over time, not harder.:cool:

    -If SO doesn't want to help you with your urges she doesn't love you enough. You help her with her urges once a month, you want an equal relationship right? So she should help you with your urges!
    And equal means completly the same, 50/50 all the way. I think not, I do the things I like more than here or dislkie less (dishes, cooking) and she does it the other way round. You cannot compare 1 time cooking to doing laundty one time. I am not her and she is not me. Whenever I find out what my real urges are and have given her space to find out her urges. Together we'll make this work. Not secretly PMO-ing. Honest and open

    etc. etc.
    I made it, but was tired at the end of the day. Talked to SO of course but also made clear I'm not telling her every thought, all the time. They are thoughts filtered through addcitionand would just be hurtful, make her insecure etc.
    That was fine.:)

    So onwards, more determined than ever.
     
    mrtumnus, Faceplanter and Stag99 like this.
  5. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Day 12 of 90 No PMO 19-10-2019
    78 to go 13,33% reached
    +10 days no O

    Worked at friend S. house. Didn't feel well so took some rest and worked on after that.
    Home, shower, cooking.
    After that took some time to blog, paint WH40K miniatures.
    SO was watching a movie, joined her. Held her hand and cuddled up to her.
    She was unresponsive which triggered a bit.
    Went to bed itchy. Nothing happened
     
  6. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Day 13 of 90 No PMO 20-10-2019
    77 to go 14,44% reached
    +10 days no O

    Yesterday morning SO hugged me intimately. So I asked if she wanted me to make love to her.
    She answered yes some part of me does want to and some part of me doesn't.
    After the hug she went on to clean out the bookcase we had been planning to move, telling me she needed something to do because she needed to go to the bathroom but not just yet. After the bathroom she proceeded to do her exercises, make breakfast etc. leaving me confused.

    After breakfast we moved the bookcase which was tiring for her, not physically, but mentally because it was change. Good change, she agreed but still stress.

    Later on I tried to talk about my feelings which led to an argument, whcih lasted on and off all day.
    Conclusion, no more talk about my feelings, thoughts and NoFap.

    At this point I'm like: I want to reprogamme my brain and finish those 90 days. But I'm scared what to do if after those 90 days my sex life hasn't changed. Making love once a month when her hormones play up, and catering to her needs without getting any, much attention myself, anytime? Sorry, I'll pass.
    I want an equal relationship where we have an ongoing conversation about meeting each others needs.

    But just doing my thing. Now even more, one day at a time. I love her but cannot forget myself
     
  7. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    At the risk of sounding obvious, within a reboot you shouldn't ask about making love as you have taken that option off the table. It will lower your frustration and get you through the 90days....even if that was ok, the chaser urges might be a problem.

    The reboot is a good time to just observe yourself and your SO.....see what you learn, which is different for everyone.
     
  8. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Day 14 of 90 No PMO 21-10-2019
    76 to go 15,56% reached
    +10 days no O

    Thanks for the feedback. I don't think it would be fair on my SO to say: "I'm doing 90 days of no PMO, I have an addiction problem, You cannot have lovemaking and intercourse either"
    I'm not into Monk mode and still like to be touched, hugged, kissed etc. We talked it over and I just told her to be strict and firm in the M,O department.
    And of course this might lead to frustration and the chaser effect, but that's what I'm trying to learn to deal with.

    Yesterday I was up very early (woke up at 4, got up at 4.45). There were urges and itches so at 7 I ran 5 km which helped take my mind off them. Worked for 9 hours, with lots of mini breaks and 3 walks which helped to saty calm and centered.
    Took a nap around 4, Woke up half-orgasming. This happens a lot lately. Just when I wake or getting out of meditative state, my body seems to relax that much that I almost get and spontaneous O. No erection, dreams, thoughts or any kind of excitement, just WHAM. Not complete O, just close.
    Read about it, seems to be normal.

    My SO came to wake me to start cooking just when I woke. Asked me what was the matter and stroked my whole body except the groin department (well twice to tease me). It was somewhere between a massage and eroticism, very, very relaxing. It made me feel loved and attractive and that I do not have to deny my feelings, only not be a slave to them.
    Love not just sex.
    The rest of the evening was normal. After dinner, I took some time to myself and we watched a bit of tv together.
    After working
     
  9. The Electric Monk

    The Electric Monk Fapstronaut

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    Is that because she has expressed that opinion, or is it just your opinion of what’s best for her? Because you seem to complain a lot that your SO is ‘never up for sex’ and doesn’t have the same desires you do; and simultaneously that she (rather than you) can’t go without sex for 90 days.

    I think if you look honestly at yourself, you might find that you’re scared of going without sex for 90 days and you’re projecting that onto your SO. You do a lot of various justifications in your posts as to why that’s reasonable.

    You’ve also said that you’ve ‘handed over control’ of sex and intimacy to your partner a bunch of times in your posts already.
    Stop asking your partner to control your addiction. She doesn’t know what’s best for you, it’s very likely too much pressure on her, and she’s not your accountability partner.
     
  10. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    It is my partner's request.

    Day 15 of 90 No PMO 22-10-2019
    75 to go 16,67% reached
    +10 days no O

    Very emotional day. SO had to go to the doctor for a regular check up, smear test. There were some irregularities so the doctor took an extra sample for extra tests.
    Nothing going on yet but still stressful and emotional. We did a lot of hugging, holding kissing talking and saying we love each other. Good to be together.

    Live each day, one at a time
     
  11. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Day 16 of 90 No PMO 23-10-2019
    74 to go 17,78% reached
    +10 days no O

    More of the same yesterday. So not much to tell. Urges, itches, thoughts but I made a mantra out of the number of days I still have to do. Every time anything came up, I repeated that number over and over again in my head till it went away.
    Worked for me.
    Talking with SO is still going wonderful.
     
  12. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Day 17 of 90 No PMO 24-10-2019
    73 to go 18,89% reached
    +10 days no O


    Well that was an interesting day.
    In the morning there seemed to be the usual routine. I got up, worked, SO got up a little later.
    But after her breakfast <TRIGGER WARNING> SO came to me naked and askes me if I wanted to lay naked tigether in bed. I said sure, when we walked to the bed she started saying she didn't know if she wanted anything else.
    I understood from the beginning so said so and that if she wanted anything else she could say.
    So we just lay for a while, talked a little bit and just looked into each others eyes. After a while she started kissing and some time later she asked me to touch her. Some time later she wanted to me to touch her there, and she had an O.
    We lay together much longer and it was all very nice. She felt my hard wood once, but I was way tense, so told her to stop immediately when she started touching.

    Very nice and rewarding, we both felt very loved. Good to open up like that.

    In the afternoon I called my eldest sister (i have 2 older sisters) who has suicidal tendencies (well that's what she says, to me it is attention seeking). But I spent 2,5 hours just listening to her, no judging, na analasys, noexplaning or comparing it to my own or someone elses problems. In the end I think she felt better. I just felt, meh, same old, ame old that's how this story/relationship goes.

    The evening and rest of the afternoon was spent at my Game Club Hive Novio.
    Picked my SO up from the train station, cycled home together, did a meditation and went to sleep.
    No urges, itches or bad thoughts.
    But today pfff, feels like I'm electrically charged and SO is the lightning rod. Chaser effect!
     
  13. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Day 18 of 90 No PMO 25-10-2019
    72 to go 20,00% reached
    +10 days no O

    Yesterday was a Chaser Effect day as expected.
    Penis was flatlined and no itches or urges down below.
    But clearly this is an addiction of the brain because that kept thinking of sex which made me moody and angry.
    Told the SO that is was not her or us.
    Brain kept it up all day. for the rest, good and quiet day.
     
  14. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Day 19 of 90 No PMO 26-10-2019
    71 to go 21,11% reached
    +10 days no O

    Helped a friend move house yesterday: Old house, 4 flights of stairs, new house 3 flights of stairs.:eek:
    We had a lot of people to help so no problem, but at least 10 times up and down at each house with heavy boxes (lots of books and furniture. I have a bad back so other younger guys did the really heavy lifting:D

    No time for urges, itches and thoughts (even though there were sweaty beautiful women :p).
    In the evening totally tired and still feeling y muscles everywere. Some urges from just sitting on the couch next to my SO.But more wanting to touch and cuddle than anything sexual.

    Edit from the day before: When I started NoFap in th beginning my brain started bombarding me with random tits, ass and pussy pics. Now it did the same but with pics of my SO. I consider that improvement.
     
    Faceplanter likes this.
  15. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Day 20 of 90 No PMO 27-10-2019
    70 to go 22,22% reached
    +10 days no O

    I've read it somewhere on NoFap and it is true for me.
    Missing O, not really a problem.
    Missing P, no Not touching myself is easy.

    But it is the damn P that the addiction is about. And that's not even the P in itself. My brain is adcited to being visually stimulated all the time. If I do not do P, I start looking things up on the Internet, non-P related. About my hobby, movies, facts anything really. Checking my hobby rumour sites multiple times a day, although I know they update onlt once at 17.00, checking my Whatsapp and apping non-sense etc. Even posting and surfing NoFap is part of it.
    And everyone seems to be addicted to that nowadays. We are all addcited to to information. All overstimulating our brains.
    So I'm reducing my internet and phone use. Sunday is going to be screenless day again. Even less or no more TV.
    And less posting on NoFap.
    Blogging can be a help, it shouldn't be a new addiction to replace PMO
     
    mrtumnus, Faceplanter and Stag99 like this.
  16. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Day 21 of 90 No PMO 28-10-2019
    69 to go 23,33% reached
    +10 days no O

    Well three weeks gone and I do not know if it feels like already or only.
    Reached the magic number of days still to go of course, 69 ;):p

    Feelings come and go it fits and starts but overall I think it is getting better.
    Yesterday I was up at 4.34 because the clock was changed. Worked, ran about 6 km in about 30 min.(not counting when it doesn't count anymore).

    I vaguely remember one urge. For the rest, good day. Sat on the couch watching TV with my SO and actively enjoyed myself without sexual thoughts. :cool:
     
    Stag99 likes this.
  17. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Day 22 of 90 No PMO 29-10-2019
    68 to go 24,44% reached
    +10 days no O

    Yesterday I watched a video about How to make a woman want you sexually?
    It was by a female psychologist and expressively NOT to get laid.
    Not to trigger myself but because I was remembering; where did it go wrong, what did I do wrong, where did I loose myself. Where did I become less attractive for my partner?

    As written earlier my sex life was perfect in the beginning of our relationship.
    It changed the first half year we went to live together.
    That is when I panicked, resisted the change, went unbalanced. I kept trying to talk about it, trying to have sex. Intimating that I wanted, needed it. And I kept that up for years, being unbalanced, talking talking, going to PMO.

    I started NoFap 8 months ago, took me this long to really realise and accept my own responsibility. To feel it and let the coin drop, not just know it.

    So last night I had a strange epiphany after we meditated and went to bed. I do not want sex anymore.
    Seems like my brain has been stressing long enough.
    If it happens, it happens. No expectations, no urges, itches, maybe's, perhapses. No focus anymore.
    I feel centred again, balanced. I am calm and relaxed and have faith in the future, me, my SO and our relationship. It keep getting better and better.

    I can let go.

    Will keep blogging, will keep on NoFap. I have confidence this will go on
     
  18. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Day 23 of 90 No PMO 30-10-2019
    67 to go 25,56% reached
    +10 days no O

    Yesterday.
    A bit of an emotional flatline now. Body/Brain tried some tricks to get me back to old beahviour but I couldn't care less.
    Painfully hard dick, it is just a hard dick. But you are doing well, you can resist P now, watch it. Nope, go away addict brain.
    That is nice but at the same time I'm knida numb towards my SO and relationship as well now. A bit of why bother, about sex, getting excited but all other stuff too.
    Only strong reaction was when I was sitting down, SO gave me a hug and put my head to her chest, between her breasts and she wasn't wearing a bra underneath. That was like OH, yes I'm still alive down there and in the feelings department.
    Comes with the territory I guess, 1 quarter finished, onwards.
     
  19. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Day 24 of 90 No PMO 31-10-2019
    66 to go 26,67% reached
    +10 days no O

    The days are starting to blur a little, at least on the PMO part, which is a good thing.
    So few thoughts, urges and itches. Went to buy clothes with my SO.
    I'm not manly in the way that I'm not interested in cars, computers, sports but buying clothes I do once a year when it is absolutely necessary. But had fun with the SO, took the clothes she found more sexy. We were a bit teasing/frisky in the fitting room (nothing kinky get your thoughts back to normal!) and I got told I looked nice, sexy, had a good body a couple of times. My SO almost never says that by herself, only "but you know I love you/like your body" etc.
    That was very good to hear. We had a nice lunch, I took care to be confident and pay extra attention to her, be a bit flirty.
    Good day!
    Challenge 14 days completed onto 21 days, feels good to make these smaller goals, try it.
     
  20. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Day 25 of 90 No PMO 01-11-2019
    65 to go 27,78% reached
    +10 days no O

    Like I said about the day before yesterday, the days are beginning to blur a little. What happened yesterday?
    Not much, brain sends signals sometimes but they are becoming weaker, they seem to be coming from further away.
    Some workman came into our house to place some windows inside. This was stressfull and as it was my eldest suicidal-sisters 50th birthday and she was going out with my other sister, I was tense about the whole situation.
    The eldest sister is quite hurtful towards are mum, so had an e-mail discourse with mum.
    In the evening I felt the stress and this led to sexual tension. Especially since SO was tene to and locking me out a bit.
    This triggers my fears and want for attention (even fights because negative attention is also attention, I dread silence).
    But knowing all this made it a lot easier to calm down and resist following old neural pathways.
    I took some time to myself, during the day I took some walks and after dinner I read a book in our spare room.
    Before bed, we did a meditation. Slept well, woke up next to SO and she lay in my arms for a while. Perfect!
     
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