Do or do not, there is no try

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Bobske, May 24, 2019.

  1. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 26 of 90 No PMO 02-11-2019
    64 to go 28,89% reached
    +10 days no O

    Yesterday was very nice. It started that SO and me woke up together. She asked if I was awake.
    We hugged, talked, I held her, stroked her hair and she shed some tears. We lay liked this quite a while and eventually got up.
    I spent the afternoon with some friends. Got home to cook dinner and the evening was spent with a book and nature programme on TV. We went to bed early, still having trouble with winter time.

    Some thoughts but once more they are far away. SO did say she wanted to lie naked with me today probably, just to be close together (we talked about it in bed in the morning, that she needs that close comfort but is not used to asking for it). Her period started in the vening but she repeated the intent.
    Don't know if it will happen, I'd like it too, but not linking it to sexuality.

    This morning started with some major urges, mostly in my brain. Did some exercises, they are gone now.
    Stag99 likes this.
  2. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 27 of 90 No PMO 03-11-2019
    63 to go 30,00% reached
    +10 days no O

    Good day again. Sunday so just hobby, no work, no appointments. Walked in the forest twice with SO and around the block after dinner. Walking is good for you =)
    When I was getting dressed in the morning SO started stroking my body, telling me I was beautiful. It went on for a while and was very nice and relaxing.
    Later in the afternoon she was rolling around some meditation balls in her hands.
    I said something ordinary like "is that nice and relaxing" and she replied "sure, want me to do yours" o_Oand I was like "sure, if you want to", so she did for a while :D

    Nice thing about those 2 things is that they didn't trigger major urges and itches at that moment or later that day.
    I could just stay in the moment and enjoy it for what it was, not want more, or an O or become all hot, bothered and tightly wound.

    Early in the night SO woke me because she was relving some childhood trauma. I held her, she cried, I told her I always loved her and would always be there.
    Faceplanter and Stag99 like this.
  3. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 28 of 90 No PMO 04-11-2019
    62 to go 31,11% reached
    +10 days no O

    Wow!, I had a NEO. A What? A Non Ejaculatory Orgasm.
    You had an O, you should reset! Well, no as I didn't control this.
    What happened.
    I woke up early yesterday with backache. Did lots of exercises but was still very tired and went back to be after 1,5 hours. SO was awake and gave me a backrub. We talked and lay next to each other. After a while she got up and while she did suddenly, out of nowhere I had an O.
    I was hard, but no touching, not sexual thoughts. I was just completely relaxed and thoughtless. One or two drops of pre-fluid came ou but that's it.
    Weird, but relaxing. The downside was it did activate my brain again and urges and itches felt like being back to square one, or a ton of bricks for a while.
    But I know it will pass and it did.
    Wonderful emotional conversation with SO in the evening. Tried to take a nap but to no avail so felt a bit grumpy.
    Decided not to be, which helped. Just before bed I saw that friend D.ivorce had called and called him back.
    He vented, I only had to listen and it felt good to do this for him.
  4. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 29 of 90 No PMO 05-11-2019
    61 to go 32,22% reached
    +10 days no O

    Nothing to see here, move along.
    I truly cannot remember if I had urges, itches or thoughts yesterday.
    Probably, but not much or many.
    Normal day and normal is good. Normal is nice and how it is supposed to be.
    Took care of mine own borders by sending friend D.ivorce a message. He kept whining and blaming others so I said, get up and go work on yourself. No one can hurt you if you are true to yourself and declare your borders. He replied with just "bullshit".
    Had a nice and grown up Whatsapp conversation with his (soon to be ex) wife.
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2019
  5. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 30 of 90 No PMO 06-11-2019
    60 to go 33,33% reached
    +10 days no O

    Day 30 already or only ?
    It feel kind of both ways.
    Already because it is getting much better. Urges, itches and thoughts are becoming less frequent and less intense all the time. At the same time now and then they return with a vengeance. And is has been a struggle.
    But Hey! : If I can do one hour, I can do 2, 3, 4 half a day, a day, a week etc add infinitum.
    There is no going back in life, No other quarter to put in the slot to play again. Life is first draft.
    Onwards! Alone and together
    One for all. All for One!
    (yes i like quotes;)
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2019
    Stag99 likes this.
  6. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 31 of 90 No PMO 07-11-2019
    59 to go 34,44% reached
    +10 days no O

    Fairly uneventful day.
    Some triggers: SO went away to the doctor for a checkup; alone and stress, I was alone in the basement of my hobby store and because SO is away today to visit her dad (brain was triggering tomorrow, tomorrow).
    But these feelings/thought/urges, itches whatever you call them are becoming fainter and fainter.
    Another week gone by and in relation to no PMO the weeks seem to be passing faster.
    Good Things.
  7. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 32 of 90 No PMO 08-11-2019
    58 to go 35,56% reached
    +10 days no O

    Yesterday hit like a ton of bricks.
    My SO was visiting her father, from early morning to later in the evening, and the day before I realised that might be a huge trigger, being alone all day. But this realisation also meant I wasn't in the moment and activated my brain already to be sharp on Thursday, the day before.
    So my brain was sharp and trying to tell me to PMO.

    I kept myself busy, but it took far into the afternoon for my brain to calm down and forget about it.
    But eventually it did, so remember people, just hang in there. Do something else and your brain will lose the PMO focus. Go on.
    Stag99 likes this.
  8. Stag99

    Stag99 Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    Hey Bobske,
    is this you first attempt at 90 days?
    If so, you’re killing it!
  9. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 33 of 90 No PMO 09-11-2019
    57 to go 36,67% reached
    +10 days no PO

    Hi there, thanks. I started 01-03-2019, had 65 days of no PM and only O with my SO.
    After that I relapsed again and again after 1, 2 3 weeks etc.
    So I decided on 90 days. I failed when my SO was touching me after 45 days.
    Started over again, touched myself a little bit after 10 days, so reset the counter and here I am.

    So 33+10=43 only 2 days left to my old record and 22 to the longest streak.
    But going to keep this up, forever.
    Yesterday was fine, working at my friends S. house. Tired in the evening so a quiet evening.
    Stag99 likes this.
  10. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 34 of 90 No PMO 10-11-2019
    56 to go 37,78% reached
    +10 days no PO

    Yesterday morning was strange again. Me and SO had a nice emotional moment and I was completely open to my emotion.
    But this gave me a raging hard on. So hard, there wasn't any skin left. I felt like if I relax more, I'm going to come but if I start fighting and denying it my brain is going to go into addict mode again and keep sending me signals.
    So I walked a fine line between relaxing up tp 99% percent and not tensing up. Eventually my body/brain was like, I've head enough let get this over with and I had a Non Ejaculatory Orgasm again. Without touching, without thinking about sex. Weird and my SO found it confusing. We had a little argument about it and later a big argument.
    Went round in circles again, so stopped it but went to be confused and hurt both.

    Made up this morning. Things have just been very rough the last month, suicidal sister, suicidal divorce friend, cancer inverstigation for my SO. I have been calm and supportive for everyone but unable to let go and be comforted myself.
    Working on that.
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2019
  11. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 35 of 90 No PMO 11-11-2019
    55 to go 38,89% reached
    +10 days no PO

    pfew, another day and passed my previous longest streak of NO PMO. At least including the +10 days I'm at 45 and that's where I O'd with my SO last time. (she did the M, but I asked for it and didn't tell her to stop then).
    It helps me to set minor goals and achieve them f.e. I've done the 3, 7, 14 days challenge and am now doing the 21, after that the 30 and so on. Next goal is 40% of 90 days (tomorrow, but keep your goals achievable) and after that 45 days or 50% and so on.

    Yesterday was good. Almost had a fight with SO but we broke the circle.
    Did make me want to PMO before we broke it, frustration.
    We did some Tai Chi like meditation together, letting energy flow in and out. I was totally relaxed, limp down below. Empty headed and not touching myself. So my brain decided to give me some Non Ejaculatory Orgasms again. Weird
    How many? I lost count, very weird. Nice, relaxing but strange.

    I guess that tention has to go somewhere.
    Right now the days in my SO's cycle where we have sex have started. We have a busy schedule and some things on her mind (check-up at the doctor's) so I wonder. But letting go of expectations and thoughts.....
  12. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 36 of 90 No PMO 12-11-2019
    54 to go 40,00% reached
    +10 days no PO

    Woohoo 40%, celebrate life and small victories.

    Thinking about the counter and counting days yesterday.
    Is see a lot of post about it that it might be counter productive:
    This is a good one @David1221

    and @Homo Deus has a good one in his signature
    This is a very serious addiction and should be treated as such.
    Willpower alone won't do it. Change the way you live. Change the way you think.
    And please, stop making so many posts about porn, cravings, urges, relapsing, erections, 90 days, etc.
    Instead, focus on the most important thing: Your life.

    And I see lots of people leaving after a while because they say they are healed and NoFap just triggers old behaviours

    Well I agree and disagree with all three. I think it is about finding your balance, recognising when you are out of balance and getting back to the winding path between order and chaos. Too much Order is bad, too much Chaos is bad.

    It's been proven that people become happy by setting goals, not achieving them.
    But never achieving any goals does make unhappy.
    Setting a big goal f.e. losing 20 kg is setting yourself up for failure as it is too much to handle.
    Dividing it up in easy, but not too easily achievable goals makes your brain get a reward every time and keeps you motivated f.e. I want to lose 20kg, I do 1 kg a week, that's 20 weeks, let's say 26, half a year to be lenient to myself.
    1 kg a week, how do I achieve that. Eating less, eating healthier, exercising more, going to see a doctor etc.
    How do I exercise more? Can I run a marathon all in one go, no! Divide it up into smaller achievable goals etc,
    Eating less. I'll only put half of what I normally do on my plate! Wrong? I'm fully, but it is only too more bites on my plate. Leave them there, throw it away. Small steps.

    The same goes for all in life and NoFap. Some people only post about their cravings and urges, other people only about their lives. I have thought both strange.
    You have to get to know your triggers, and incorparate that knowledge in your life. Change your routine etc.
    But if you keep only writing about that, you keep your brain triggered and focused on PMO.

    The other way around, if you are only writing about life, are you really connecting your triggers and urges with your personality and history and changing or are you just putting them away. They hide and come back when you least expect it.

    So counting days, it is a good thing as you set minor goals. But the end goal (at least for me) is never, ever again PMO only O with my SO.
    I still have to get my head around it and I know my brain gives me signals whenever a certain challenge is done: WE CAN DO IT AGAIN. Nope. That seems especially the case in the beginning and might be why I relapsed. Doing 3 days, ah done, I have programmed my brain, you can have a reward now.

    So set new goals, before achieving one, reward yourself with something, but make it healthy and non addictive. Better yet make it a new goal. f.e. now I may run an extra round (but even exercise is addictive and too much is unhealthy).

    And I think I might be less and less on NoFap. I recognise it also triggers. But I'll keep coming and think I'll donate to keep the site going, because I want to keep myself sharp.

    Think of it as computer games. They are designed to keep you playing.
    1. learn the controls
    2. play with them
    3. start playing seriously.
    4. Make it through a level
    5. ENDOFLEVELBOSS!, kills you
    6. Level becomes easy, you hurt the boss a little more each time
    7. You kill the End of Level Boss
    8. next level.
    9. etc till end of game and you are glad and sad that it is over.

    That is life, that is addiction.
    Go on living, keep your balance
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2019
    Stag99 and Homo Deus like this.
  13. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 37 of 90 No PMO 13-11-2019
    53 to go 41,11% reached
    +10 days no PO

    I'm very grateful for yesterday.
    My SO wwnt out and when she had been gone 10 minutes she called me because she was having a panic attack. She has these very rarely but we are talking a lot about traumatic things in our pasts so not really a surprise. I only had to be there for her and she only needed to hear my voice to calm down a lot.

    My youngest sister J. visited which she hasn't done in years. We took al long walk, I made a nice healthy lunch and we talked a lot about everything. Even told her about NoFap. Nice to build trust.

    In the evening a female friend of ours, M. called and talked to my SO. M.'s mother had passed away, she had been ill a long time and we knew things were rapidly going downhill and the end was near. M. cried a little on the phone and we will of course attend the funeral. We never met her mum. It felt really rewarding that someone dares to cry in front of you and that they aske you to be there at such an emotional and important moment in their lives.

    In short a day where I felt loved and could freely give love in return. I ask nothing more in life.
  14. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 38 of 90 No PMO 14-11-2019
    52 to go 42,22% reached
    +10 days no PO

    Good day. Worked some, spent some time with SO, went to the fysiotherapist and treated myself to a good hair/beardcut.
    Ate with my friends and had a good evening at my game club painting miniatures.
    Went home to see SO as I am away the whole weekend
    selfimprovement8008 likes this.
  15. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 39 of 90 No PMO 15-11-2019
    51 to go 43,33% reached
    +10 days no PO

    Made it a good day yesterday. Went to see the doctor to let them check some things heredital that have been in my head for a long while (my dad died of cancer, an ucle and aunt of bad blood vessels), they came to finally fix something in our house, did a lot of work, cooked a good meal and had some good hugs and talks with my SO.

    Next 2 days Alliance Open WH40K Grand Tournament :cool::D
    So no posts until monday
  16. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 40 +41 of 90 No PMO 16+17-11-2019
    49 to go 45,56% reached
    +10 days no PO

    2 days of hobbying were great. Fun and relaxation.
    It was good to be away from home and SO a while. Clear the mind.
  17. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 42 of 90 No PMO 16+17-11-2019
    48 to go 46,67% reached
    +10 days no PO

    One of the weirdest days in my sexual life
    I had 15 tot 20 O in as many minutes!:confused:

    What happened and why don't I reset my counter? <TRIGGER WARNING>

    SO had to go to the hospital for an Echo of her abdomen, early in the morning. She has been having some problems and this was the one but last check. Neither of us ever had an echo and SO is never comfortable around hospitable so both a bit nervous. Everything was ok and the staff was very friendly. pfew.

    So when we came home we lay on the bed to talk and cuddle. After a while SO went for a walk, because that helps her empty her head and relax. I'm better with powernaps so took one.:)

    When she came back I woke up and she crawled into bed to cuddle. Me naked, she in her underwear.
    We kissed and cuddled a bit and she rubbed my body a bit, not below, just saying she liked it. Nothing sexual.
    I was sensitive and totally relaxed physically and emotionally. So when we were just laying there I got a Non Ejaculatory Orgasm (NEO) or close to it with a few drops of fluid. SO said, let me help you with that, I'm not going to touch you, and she got out of bed and undressed.:D
    I came, not completely but with some fluid. SO got a towel and came back to bed.
    From that moment I just kept on coming every few minutes with one, two, three or more squirts.
    I couldn't stop it; tried to relax, more O.
    Tried to hold tight more O.
    SO was impressed, got another towel. We giggled and laughed about it. More O.
    SO's emotions came out so she cried and I held her and stroked her hair . But when she was OK again, and we relaxed, more O. I squirted and squirted.

    It was very nice and relaxing but no full O release and just seminal fluid. Never knew you could produce so much.
    After a long timee, I just got up and went to the shower trying to hold it in and not cover the floor.
    All this time, no touching, no thinking about sex or talking about it.
    I just made it to the shower and there I came so hard and long a couple of times that I covered the shower floor completely. SO was like What! even more, so much.
    Luckily that was the end of it and I showered and we had a normal day.

    No resetting because it was like a wet dream, I had no control whatsoever, there was no touching or thoughts. I tried to close my eyes, think of other things etc.

    The rest of the day I was totally relaxed and not tired like after an O.
    My Addicted Brain was triggered though and tried to throw up old thoughts and PMO behaviour.

    But I'm never going back there. (especially after this experience:cool::p:confused:)
  18. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    DAY 0

    Counting days in challenges one after another, posting every day, seeing and responding other messages.
    It all triggers and keeps my mind occupied with sex.

    So it is time for a personal goal. No PMO nevermore. And 90 days of not thinking about sex, not talking about it unless initiated by someone else. No sexual touch, remarks etc. towards my SO. No daily blogging and counters in my head.
    Just living in the moment and letting go.
    I'll blog sometime, when??
  19. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    DAY 0

    Damned relapsed again.

    I want to get this under control. What was the trigger this time.

    -I was tired, worked hard tearing down walls at friend S. place.
    -Wife's period so no change of sex and little intimacy
    -21 days ago that we made love, 3 weeks is always a max for me
    - 2 months since intercourse.
    -I "worked" at my hobby in the evening. Want to relax more

    I try my best and see improvement in my relationship but very little in physical intimacy.
    I try not to initatiate but this just leads to frustration, feelings of rejection :(

    Time to do some running
    Black fog likes this.
  20. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 1
    It's the middle of the night.
    I had a big fight with my SO, again.
    I was just trying to talk about how we were going to spend 2020.
    Tried to get her to talk, she got mad. Yelled and called me names. I let her cool down.
    We spent some time together on a jigsaw, I asked het some innoncent questions but got the cold shoulder.
    I had enough so in bed I said I was leaving in the morning. Only silence, so I go my stuff and passport and went, intending to go to a hotel, even looked up prices.

    Cycled somes, ate soemthing, cycled some more. Home again now.
    Do not know what tot do, do not want to go to the bedroom.
    But I will not PMO, anymore. Enough!

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