Do or do not, there is no try

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Bobske, May 24, 2019.

  1. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Day 3 of the rest of my life

    We made up argued some more, made up, argued,made up.
    So the situation is still tense here.

    SO is in the fertile part of her cycle, usually the moment where she is more open, in contact with her feelings.
    And the timetable for making love once every 4 weeks.

    Not expecting it. It is what is causing the fights, she cannot deal with emotions.
    But I will not go back to PMO.
     
  2. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    DAY 0

    That about sums it up.
    93 day until my 46th birthday. Do I want to go on like this...
    no.
    Why did I do it today. Because I am addicted.
    I can sum up reasons (had an intake at the hospital for an colonoscopie, because my dad died of intestinal cancer 20 yeras ago, aged 56, had lots of fights with my SO the last week because she is more hormonal the last couple of months, she is having her period and the last time we had sex is 7 december and that was a bit unemotional hand job both ways, real lovemaking was 22 november)

    But they are all excuses. Time to be strong, find my way again to keep it up. Had a 65 day streak, had a 47 and 46 day streak. I know it gets harder evertime I fail . I keep feeding the addiction mechanism.
    So I have to stop.
    This means telling myself I really want to stop. So going to tell myself, each time I get urges, itches, thoughts and so on.
     
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  3. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    I just read half of your journal. There are a lot of similarities between you and me. I never made it past 21 days though, congratulations! And, sorry about your recent PMO.

    Last time I was on nofap (3 years ago), things seemed to be going well, but my relapses started to be more frequent. I think a few things were causing this...
    1. I was on nofap mostly for my wife, not myself. So, when our relationship would get rocky, most of motivation for nofap would go by the wayside.
    2. I had a bigger underlying anxiety problem. I was not equipped to tackle my PMO addiction while neglecting the bigger underlying issue.

    I am back from the abyss. I have fixed #2, or rather made such an improvement on #2 that I feel comfortable calling it "fixed", I still have my moments though. As for #1, I still want to fix my PMO addiction for my wife, but I also feel better about my daily life because I fixed #2, and this helps me be excited about each day. Which helps a lot.

    Last time I was on nofap, I was aroused all the time. I'd get in a mood where I couldn't stop thinking about sex all day long. The constant arousal has not happened this time around, but I am only at day 11. So, the jury is still out regarding whether or not things will stay that way. I do have a strong suspicion that this new attempt at quitting PMO is very different than all previous attempts.

    Hopefully I gave you some things to meditate on. I liked your Jim Carrey video and your 20 signs you're emotionally mature video. Did you know Jim Carrey is aligned with Eckhart Tolle and his teachings? You might want to check out some Tolle videos or read one of his books.
     
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2020
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  4. Stag99

    Stag99 Fapstronaut
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    I would disagree with this statement a bit.
    You’ve managed to go several long stretches without pmo which has given your brain time to heal. Perhaps not completely, but as long as you get back up and keep fighting after a relapse you are continuing to move in a positive direction.
     
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  5. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    DAY 1

    Wow, thanks for the interest and for sharing. I didn't know that. I read one of his books, a long time ago, time to look it up again. No time like the present ;)
    Have to acknowledge my #2 too and work on it.

    Thanks for cheering me up. I know, but was in a bad mood.


    After the last PMO yesterday I feel ill. Ill from the O. I have experienced brainfog after O before but never like this.
    I couldn't focus, couldn't concentrate, was dizzy, nauseous. Felt weak. I even went to bed but when I closed my eyes a rollercoaster started so I got up again. This lasted for hours and hours, until I went to bed.
    Fixing that in my mind so I remember I do not want to feel like that again.

    Day 1 was good. I was busy but fun busy, not stressed busy. Took my time with things and enough brakes. Was away for most of the day so no emotional triggers or physical ones from my SO. Onwards! For life!
     
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  6. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    DAY 2

    I'm finding it very hard to open up to my wife again.
    She wrote me a nice sweet letter that she loves me and wants us to work things out together.
    I love her too and want to work things out too.

    But at the moments those feelings are buried under a lot of resentment, anger and hurt.
    I told her this and can see this is trigger her anxiousness again. (fear of commitment and fear of being left behind)

    At the moment, I cannot care and I told her it takes time.
    Tomorrow I have some ex-colleagues visiting and SO will be gone and Sunday she will be gone visiting her best friend.
    This might be for the best at the moment.

    Some twinges and urges because of the stress but nothing I cannot handle.
     
  7. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Day 3
    It was a good day. Some visitors so SO was gone aand I was busy entertaining people. In the evening we were both tired from a day of impressions. SO lay down on the cough unto me and I stroked her hair and gave her a kiss. Later I put my head in her lap and she stroked my hair. Quiet evening all good.
    Today is more difficult (day 3/5 always are somewhere),. SO was supposed to be away and I was about to have time to myself. But the friend she was going out withis sick.
    And I have itches and urges, we had a nice walk together in the morning, I gave her some kisses on the couch, but this all makes it worse. Well concentrating on hobbying now.
     
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  8. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    DAY 4

    Pfff, very horny today. So is cuddly and kissy but I've told her any other interaction should be initiated by her.
    But it is hard not to start petting and stroking her or kissing more passionately etc. etc.
    This to shall pass ;)
     
  9. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    DAY 5

    Body and mind are trying to trick me gain.
    Blue balls, almost O feelings, flashes in my mind of P material.

    Not...giving...in. I am better than that. I deserve better. I am worth it
     
  10. Stag99

    Stag99 Fapstronaut
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    Hey Bobske,

    i don’t remember if you mentioned it in your journal or not,
    but meditation helps me big time with the porn flashbacks and urges in general.
    Also distracting myself when i get hit with a long urge - i just pick up a book and read for 20 mins until it goes away. Works for those late night boners too :)
     
  11. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, good tip. I did some meditation but have let it slide. Talked to my SO a few days ago about startingit again.
    So time to do it.

    Day 6
    Same story as day 5, but joined by bad thoughts about my relationship.
    Situation still feels a bit tense about the house. For me there is too little communication, verbally and physically.
    But letting that go now and doing it this way.
     
  12. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    DAY 7
    One week gone, my mind seems to be calming down a bit.
    There were less, maybe afew urges itches and bad thoughts (bad thoughts about ny relationship because I'm not getting any, I do not think thinking about sex is bad, in principle;)

    NEXT!
     
  13. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    DAY 8

    Had a funeral (old aunt 92,5, had a good life)
    And in the evening my gaming club.
    Too busy and emotional to think of sex
     
  14. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    DAY 21 of no O

    Don't know what to say. I want to go 90 days without O
    I want to go without P and M and it is getting better but still I have watched P, did M and edged.

    It is hard for me to find inner motivation.
    I want to act like a grown up, not like a child.
    I see all the addicts around me (to coffee, alcohol, smoking, food, buying stuff) and think I do not want to be like that.
    Time for control

     
  15. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

    Dude, you're very lucky that your girl's still there for you. Unlike mine, whom I've lost after telling her about my pmo addiction with honesty :( I wish she could come back to me and forgive me. I miss her.
     
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  16. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Part of what I'm about to write is simply seeing the similarities between what you write about and my life.

    Unlike some users here, although not everyone, you have a reason to use PMO that is more than just an excuse. Your partner isn't sexually available to you as much as you'd like, and receives your interest in unpredictable ways. porn, of course, is the opposite of both of those, always available and predictable.

    So while some people can make a rational case that they've damaged their relationship through porn and they'd be better off without porn and only having real sex, for you the rational case is to accept your spouse's faults and make do with images instead.

    Again, this is very similar to my situation, and perhaps I am reading in too much.

    But, if I'm not, then do you have to just come to grips with the fact that porn is a rational response to your situation but that you choose a different path. Yes, I guess all I'm describing is self control, but it's self control that also doesn't quite make sense.

    The only way that I have been able to reconcile this is to know that I am better off without porn long-term. And, that might mean with another partner if my frustrations in my marriage continue long-term. Which is to say that if I take away the sexual difficulties in my current relationship the reasons that porn use might be a good thing, a rational response, go away.
     
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  17. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, I have read a lot of your journal too, because of the similarities.
    And you are right. It is all about self control and how much you/I want to exercise it.

    I
     
  18. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man.
    And I'm sorry for you. Wish you all the best.
    I'm 45, so is my SO and we've been together for almost 16 years and have known eacht other for several more.
    Our (Dutch) culture is very open about sex. She knew about me watching porn (the all men watch porn thing), even agreed with it somewhat if it meant me getting less stressed (and not bothering her)
    But like myself she didn't know I was addicted until I found out about NoFap.

    I see you knew your GF for 10 years, that is a long time.
    So good luck and whatever you do, don't go back to PMO
    You can do this
     
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  19. ahighertruth

    ahighertruth Fapstronaut

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    day 0 was just sad and pathetic i hope you're doing a lot better now.
     
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  20. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    thanks I've been meaning to read myself back
     

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