Do or do not, there is no try

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Bobske, May 24, 2019.

  1. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

    Mine is just about your age. Yeah.. I've always liked older women.

    Back then we knew each other as friends. We fell in love last year

    Thanks. And after what happened to my relationship two weeks ago, I am NEVER going back to PMO ever again!
  2. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    DAY 25 of no O day 1 of no PMO

    1 wet dream

    2 nights ago I had a big wet dream.
    It was like halfway in december, only I was asleep now and woke up. Not touching myself, no thoughts/dreams that I know of.
    I came and came and came. Not fully, just fluid. I tried to relax, tried to tense nothing helped, I kept coming.
    Got musclescramps in my abdomen, in the end I just squeezed my self painfully hard, that stopped it
  3. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    One Year on Nofap

    First streak 65 days
    90 days without (PM)O 47 days and 42 days
    Now 30th day again.

    Last time intercourse 16-10-2019
    Last time making love (handjob both ways) 07-12-2019
    Last time touching and feeling each other a bit 07-02-2020

    Trying to let go of frustration, making my SO feel safe and letting her initiate.
    SO has had some medical and psychological problem these last 4 to 5 months.
    She's working on them and things are better between us but for me real intimacy (not just physical, also platonic) is very, low.

    Letting go, because I know where trying to talk about it or just expressing my feeling, gets me.
  4. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    DAY 31

    pff another weird wet dream day. TRIGGER WARNING
    During the day my SO gave me a hug and she wasn't wearing a bra. I came a little in my pants.
    Without being hard or any other stimulation.
    I had just time to go to the shower and lower my pants and I came, again and again and again.
    Just fluids not a full blown orgasm. My SO followed, touched mt body a little , not my dick. But she is ill and not in the mood for more. Which I did and didn't want. Very confusing.

    When I went to bed. (we sleep apart because she is ill, has a cold and snores. I started coming in the same way.
    Almost asleep, relaxed, limp dick, no touching or thoughts. And I came, came, came about an hour long every time.
    I must have squirted about a 100 times 8(
    I'm not trying to brag, it was nice and relaxing and confusing and all kinds of emotions.

    Anyone with the same experience?

    I'm relaxed now, but as I tried to explain to my SO many a time.
    This, or jerking off, handjob, blowjob, it all isn't the same physically and mentally as making love with intercourse.
    It is a whole different ballgames in relaxation, connection etc.
  5. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    DAY 0 of 90 No PMO

    Trying a new approach.
    I've about given up on getting a satisfying sex life and an intimate relationship.
    But I realise that I cannot judge before I am clean, so I have to make those 90 days no PMO.
    Else addiction colours my point of view.
    Furthermore I've worked on my relationship from the beginning.
    Trying my best to talk, get my SO to talk,show my feelings, take care of things etc.
    Epiphany: I got ot stop trying. Just be me.

    Second star to the right and on till morning
  6. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    DAY 1 of 90 No PMO

    Only positive things from now on because I create my own world.
    Talked to the wife. Realised I need to calm down.
    So going to do that. Having the day off today.
    tout ça pour ça likes this.
  7. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    DAY 2 of 90 No PMO

    I had the day off. Left the house/temptation. Painted my WH40K miniatures at my gaming club for most of the day. Got rested. Few to no itches, urges thoughts
  8. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    DAY 3 of 90 No PMO

    Argument with my SO, don't aske me what about. It is her (monthly) way of relieving stress/tension.
    Being hurtful to me. But we made it up again.
    Later she cried a lot and I supported her.
    But real intimacy is a long way off.
  9. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Good idea, be true to yourself, stay clean, and take another look at your situation at the end of 90 days.

    I would recommend rereading your journal at that time.

    As always, I am keeping an eye how are you were doing as your situation has one of the closest to mine on this site. Keep up the good work!
    Bobske likes this.
  10. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    DAY 4 of 90 No PMO

    I had the day off from refurbishing my S's House.
    Was very tired (maybe early hayfever because of climate change?) and SO too because she is still recovering from being ill and her period started.
    But we took a walk in the forest, the weather was sunny and cold, much better than lately, grey, warm and wet.
    We walked very slowly like an old couple and just chatted.
    Sat down for a while in the sun. At home we sat on the couch and both fell asleep, old couple indeed.
    In the evening we watched TV (Endeavour) and held hands.

    Very nice and I hope the beginning of more intimacy. I'm trying to do my thing and not focus on SO.)
    (So I cleaned the toilet, vacuumed, did the dishes, because I wanted a clean house)
  11. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Thanks! For a while I have been meaning to read my journal back. But still too much going on in my head.
    My business is doing ok but still not enough to earn a full living. I have to be careful not to keep working. I was assertive to my accountant so he is going to make a lower offer of his costs.
  12. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    DAY 5 of 90 No PMO

    A nice day, a bit confusing.
    SO and me woke together and cuddled a bit. She went to the toilet and when she came back she set on the side of the bed talking. I threw back the blankets to get up and she started touching my dick.
    I was like What? Why? And she was; it looked nice.
    After a while it was I asked her to stop as it was ok.

    Rest of the day was good, both still ill and tired, so a slow day
  13. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    DAY 6 of 90 No PMO

    Another good day. Very little urges, itches and thoughts and only related to my SO.

    Had a small argument with my SO. She is ill and on her period so feeling pretty lousy.
    I was feeling ill too and took a nap. Felt much better after that and was happy and active again.
    SO did the dishes (my job) while I slept so I thanked her for it and made a joke she could do it more often.

    A minute later she yells at me and calls me names. I had just watched a video about confidence so I didn't get angry back at her and didn't become apologetic. I just let her be.
    A quarted of an hour later she apologized and told me she just couldn't handle the strain.
    When I kept lying in bed a few days ago, feeling ill, we also had a fight later and she admitted that that triggered her.

    I had a kind of epiphany and I'll try to put it into words.
    Women here always complain that a woman is expected to do all this at the same time (kids, work, be a good partner etc.) but when a man gets ill he turns into a cry-baby.
    And there are lots of video's about how A Nice Guy (that's me) will never get a girl because women are not wired that way. You do not get respect if you are nice all the time.
    We are a social species and want to be liked by the group but being nice and going with the flow only creates that you are a follower, go with the flow not your own wishes, do not get respect.

    I think that is the whole point of NoFap too.
    You want too belong and be loved.Have sex too. As you are scared of rejection you go PMO, so actually do not do what you want to. As you quit PMO, most people change their behaviour, start being who they want to be, not what they think society thinks they should be. They get more confidence and become more attractive.
    And this isn't the gorilla/macho/aggressive confidence of the bad boy/beta male.
    No it is the calm and assertive energy of an alpha. Who leads by example not by bullying.
    Here is the video.

    Nowadays this might seem harder, because women want men to show emotions too. But showing emotions isn't weakness, but is about the way you show them.
    This was enlightning in a way too

    And that might be the core of being a (gentle)man. You are not a brute or arrogant but polite, respectfuland sure of yourself.

    Time to think about it.
    Faceplanter likes this.
  14. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    DAY 7 & 8 of 90 No PMO

    Not much to tell. Day 8 both still not feeling well.
    Day 9 we spent with my father in law. He had a check up for his chronic Leukemia, all was well luckily.

    SO is distant and emotional because she has been ill for 3,5 weeks.
  15. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    DAY 9 & 10 of 90 No PMO

    Fight, fight fight.
    Another fight and lots of name calling towards me. Did some back.
    SO again threw are whole relation down the drain. That she should never have started a relationship with me,
    that the day we started our relationship she didn't want to. That she wanted to leave when I had a burn-out 14 years ago. etc.etc. All in all; everything has always been wrong, I'm an autistic idiot that never does anything rigth..

    I'm quite done now. Thank you.
    These last 4 weeks she has been ill and I have taken care of almost everything.
    Cuddled her, let her be. Cleaned, the bed, house, done groceries, got medicine, drove her to the doctor, went to the hospital with her and my father in law. Held her when she was afraid her father was going to die.
    Held her and let her cry when she was totally frustrated with being sick. I massaged her neck and shoulders several times a day when they hurt from hanging around too much.

    What did I get in return? Lots of thank you? Not really, more the ones on autopilot. Hugs; auto ones. Kisses; just pecks. Touching, nope. Holding hands; yes that is what we did.

    I can keep explaining it away as always; it is her anxiety/trauma of binding and of being left behind because of the loss of her mother at 2 and a very dominant, agressive father but I'm tired of making excuses.

    She said I disgusted her, she doesn't even want kisses anymore (like I didn't notice and tried to talk about it). I have a check up of my intestines 1st of April (if Corona doesn't intervene), because my father died of colon cancer at 56, 20 years ago. She said she had hopes that I died during that procedure so she would be rid of me and all the stress easily.

    Yesterday watched a video about Toxic personality, she ticks all the boxes.
    She really screamed at me!

    I stayed calm but tried not to become cool and too rational.

    After a while she kind of acts if nothing happened. Starts sharing funny movies with me.
    Laughing together. Comes sit with me and starts petting me. I ask why: because she doesn't like to see me in pain. Stop hurting me than stupid!
    She asks me if I'm going to cook for us. Right: after you made it abundantly clear there is no us, never has been and never will be. ???

    So I told her I needed some time alone. Went to eat Chinese food. Went for a walk after that and threw up part of it.
    Went back home. We watched some news and our Friday Night regular quiz. Some fistbumps when one of us got questions right. I tried to talk.

    I have told her I love her and if you love something set it free. She wants to be free. She can go, we can break up.
    I asked her things; I do not know, haven't thought about it. I'm tired and going to bed.

    I love her. But I'm at a loss her. Hurt, a bit angry but not really. Sad, yeah somewhat. Mostly numb now.

    In regard to NoFap; yeah this triggers. Makes me want ot give it all up and go back to PMO.
    The easy way out. But I won't. I do not give up on myself, even if we break up.

    The one thing I do not want to do is start over. If after 16 years I have to begin gaining trust again, slowly building it etc. I think it is over.

    Good to get this off my chest, Thanks for reading/listning.
  16. Stag99

    Stag99 Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    Wow, that’s a tough situation Bobske.
    Sorry your relationship is in such bad shape.
    Do you fight like this often ?
    If so, i’m not sure it’s healthy for you to stay in a relationship where the other person keeps on unloading on you.
    Have you tried couples therapy ?
    Bobske likes this.
  17. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Sounds like she is dependent on you rather than grateful for your help.

    Dependant on having you around as a verbal punching bag too. Ironically, if she treated you as a sex object and then ignored you it wouldn't be much different......her needs are just to vent verbally than sexual......your needs aren't really her focus at all.

    And, I don't know that's not normal for most of us most of the time. Us humans can be a selfish bunch. Better to have someone whose selfish needs align well with your own needs than rely on a partner to really remember one's needs.
    Bobske likes this.
  18. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    yes, like ones a month. We are working on it and it is getter better and worse at the same time.
    My has seen the doctor and got a reference to a psychologist.
    It is like she is hitting puberty now at 46, or the tranistion period
    Thanks for asking
  19. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    I agree
    I don't think my need should be her focus and her needs shouldn't be mine.
    As long as we're both acting according to social conventions, how we think we should act, the water will always be muddied and we will never be at peace with ourselves or our relationship.
    Be confident and do your own thing and our needs will align. They use to do in the past
  20. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 10
    Been of the grid for a while. Still working on it.
    New plan which includes less internet.

    Walked around naked this morning with morning wood, SO started touching me and I could not resist after 6 months no intercourse, almost 4 months no touching. So O,d.
    New thing is be very strict so resetting.

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