Do or do not, there is no try

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Bobske, May 24, 2019.

  1. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    17 days, 408 hours of the rest of my life

    It was the same old story.
    I wanted to talk about emotions, about why we haven't had sex in 200 days.
    I was horny and grumpy because of it. I didn't want to say anything but addicted brain needed to out.

    I tried starting the conversation differently "Are we going to fight?"
    SO was surprised but it all went downhill immediately.
    SO became angry, clammed shut.

    I tried giving her space. This just means we have no contact at all, until she calms down, about 2 hours later.
    But if I want to continue the conversation I have a fight on my hands again.

    So this was in the morning. For the rest I worked hard.

    In the afternoon we took a walk and I tried to talk again. Asked what she wanted.
    She says, she fine with it as it is, she likes the quiet, doesn't want sex, or intimacy. Just walking together was already intimate she says.

    I told her feelings were ok and let it be. After a while I started talking about my feelings. How I do want intimacy, how I do no know if I can handle a relationship without. That it feel like she wants to be alone and does not want to make the decision to leave so just keeps pushing me away.
    She got angry, walked away, told me to walk home alone.

    Home I prepared dinner for two. She came home a few minutes after me.
    Dinner was quiet.

    Did Yoga again.

    Still had back problems, so asked and got a good back massage.
    Tried talking again. Asked her if she wanted a relationship, she said I do not know
    (the standard answer to almost any question I ask).
    I told her that was clear enough, if she wasn't commited now, after 16 years?!
    She walked away angry, and we got into bed without talking, no kiss holding hands anything.

    I treid once more, nope.
    At first I was upset, angry. I just let go and slept fine.

    I'm tired of being told that wanting intimacy is just lust, addiction that sex is not emotion.
    What am I going to do today?

    I do not know. I'll continue NoFap, no PMO of course, doing that for myself.
    I'll probably treat her the way she treats me; give her the silent treatment.
    It feel childish, immature but we cannot seem to talk and it works most of the time she comes to me, after a while.
  2. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    18 days, 432 hours of the rest of my life

    I tried to talk again yesterdaymorningg. But "can I say something about it" was enough to set SO off.
    So we spent the day barely talking and working in our own rooms.

    It triggered and I had some close calls.
    But the time completely apart was necessary now.
    In the evening we made up. Took a walk and I did the Yoga thing. We massaged each other's back.

    It is about loving yourself and when I had to hug myself I cried a little. Must do that more often.

    In bed we were dead tired *TRIGGER WARNING*
    but we kissed, cuddled, and I could touch SO everywhere for a while.
    It was very nice and although I go rock hard, the horniness was more love than anything else. So stopping (and not being touched myself), was 100% ok.

    SO has yelled several time that she is grossed out by me and any physical touch makes her want to puke.
    Just the fact that she liked and wanted it was very nice.

    Afterwards I asked if she was still grossed out by my penis and she said "Sometimes...I'm sorry"
    I said, don't be, you are good as you are. I'm just sorry you/we let it get this far.

    Had a good night sleep, although back is killing me. Yoga as a substitute for fysiotherapy, good, not there yet.
    Brain is now trying to trick me with SO pictures, feeling from last night
  3. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    19 days, 456 hours of the rest of my life

    Day 19 went ok.
    Just worked, normal day.
    Cuddled, massaged each other. Had some urges and thoughts.Have to watch out for Porn Substitutes (P-Subs), reddit posts on YouTube. And YouTube all together, watching my phone the Brain is still craving stimulans which information is as well. Did my weekly coffee in the morning, just testing, right who am I kidding.
    Was wound up for hours on end, cravings for sex and info were worse. No more sugar or caffeine

    Did Yoga in the evening

    When we went to sleep I made the mistake of saying something about sex. Triggered SO immediately.
    My bad, I know not to talk to her in bed.
  4. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    20 days, 480 hours of the rest of my life

    Yesterday I was away from home and SO the whole day.
    I had given myself a day off and worked on my hobby.
    So kept busy, no urges no thoughts

    When I got home SO was happy to see me, talked about her day.
    We ate and after that problems started.

    Our goverment gave a Corona talk about lowering lockdown slowly.
    It was plan for the next 4 months so a lot of information.
    We both got stressed, SO more than me.
    So we took a walk. Talking was a bit edgy. SO wanted and needed to say here thing but when I contunued I was overanalysing, doing too much, problem solving etc. I want to be a better listener, and calmer so point taken.
    Hard to do.

    Back home I did :

    During a friend called whom I hadn't spoken in months. He is really chatty. I was really relaxed so decided to call him back. I was in the mood for chatty. So told SO and called. It was very nice and when it became too much I told him and finished the call.
    Afterwards it was time for bed. SO was angry, very angry.
    2 things
    Apparantly I talked very loud. I told her sorry, she could have told me (my mistake, No Apologies and No Solutions should have acknowledged her emotions).
    She was fuming and telling me how stupid I was for making that phonecall. That I always do that when I'm stressed I do more. That she couldn't take it any more.
    I didn't know what to do, let her rant. She was stressed and her way is blaming others.
    Still do not know how to handle this without stoking the fire. (yeah, catch emotions, catch Yes or No. I did some callcenter work and had training. Let the emotion balloon empty. I hear You are Angry. Yes. Upset abou the phonecall Yes. or You not happy, are You, NO!)
    Still hard to do with your SO

    We went to bed without holding hands, no kiss. I didn't get a reply from Sleep Well.

    I'll keep an open mind and see what today brings
  5. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    21 days, 504 hours of the rest of my life

    It was a hard day because we made love.
    SO initiated which was nice

    In the morning She was emotional and wanted a hug. After a big hug I saw she needed another so gave it.
    She started kissig, stroking, taking off our lothes and taking me to bed. I returned the favor.
    In bed I gave her one O with my hands and mouth. We tried inercourse but she was too sensitive. No wonder after 200+ days, so I barely penetrated.
    Afterwards we just lay and I tried to talk about how hard it was and that I like being touched as well.
    This triggered SO, she almost got mad and started saying she regretted it already but we turned the conversation around and it was good.

    Horny all day long of course, still am. Had some close calls
    Did Yoga in the evning, Day 11, that helped

    Last edited: May 9, 2020
  6. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    22 days, 528 hours of the rest of my life
    1 week running, 3 times *5 km

    Brain was till wired from thursday.
    I was awake early, ran again (started again this week, slowly adding stuff)
    Had Brainfog from the sex (although I had no O and was barely touched down their) but more likely Hayfever because my eye's were hurting as well and I was very tired (running for the 3rd time might have helped).

    SO was smiley and relaxed, whish she would let me give her an O more often. =) (once a week ;)
    Took a nap and a break from work in the afternoon. That helped.

    Yoga also helps me. I'm a long way from being flexible though, haha

    and still horny now
  7. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    23 days, 552 hours of the rest of my life
    13 days of Yoga
    1 week running, 3 times *5 km

    We went to visit my father in law at his farm (keeping our distance).
    Quiet day, I cooked for the midday meal,we cycled, sat in the garden in the sun. Felt tired, hayfeverish, took a nap.
    Went home later in the evening. Did Yoga just before going to bed.

    Had urges, itches and thoughts (like, Sex was the same again, me satisfying her and getting little to no attetntion in return).
    But replacing them with positive thoughts: I love her, love giving her pleasure, still got a whole life in front of me and 67 days of no O so why worry about it.
    Still hard though.

    I think, yearning for release/a hit/O and P will be replaced/is being replaced (again) by yearning for my SO but in the end that's still wanting that hit.
    And only by resisting that and even letting that go I can come to my natural sex drive.
    And SO as well because I was always needy before that, even this time.

    Second star to the right and on till morning.
  8. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    24 days, 576 hours of the rest of my life
    14 days of Yoga
    1 week running, 3 times *5 km

    I'm adding things to do/addictions to beat.
    Slowly as not to try too much at the same time and fail all.

    Me and SO were very tired and illish, probably from hayfever yesterday (dry throat, burning eyes, brainfoggy and very, very tired). We just hung out and did our own things, took a small walk together, watched TV together in the evening.
    I took a nap and did yoga.

    Some work, more hobby.
    My Penis has entered flatline I think. :cool:
    Thoughts are still there, not really P thougths more wanting sex with my SO.
    Meaning I don't think of other women or crazy things to do to her. Just want to have sex, and I know that is just O craving, wanting release, a hit.
    Still another day gone, it does get easier
  9. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    25 days, 600 hours of the rest of my life
    15 days of Yoga
    1 week running, 3 times *5 km

    Nothing much yesterday. Some urges, itches and thoughts but little. Dick felt like flatline.
    Ran 5 km (week 2), did yoga (halfway at the 30 day course), felt tired from running and hayfever.

  10. Day Sunshine

    Day Sunshine Fapstronaut

    Great video! Lots of inspiration! Also I can relate to the Pyramid of Maslow, long time ago in college I also analyzed it, good to see it pop up again. Best of luck!
    Bobske likes this.
  11. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Thanks! You too. We can do this.
    Good to read my own post back.

    26 days, 624 hours of the rest of my life

    I read somewhere here on the fora about someone watching his mouseclicks. Every click is one.
    Of course all this information, FOMO, mobile is also addiction.
    As blogging can be(come), and making list.
    So I deleted my Browser History (on phone and computer, You tube)and am going to look at it at the end of the day so I do not watch any more unnecessary (which is all) YouTube, internet, Checking WhatsApp etc.

    Making lists and doing to much is also a thing. So I'm still adding healthy habits to NoFap, Yoga, running but not keeping track anymore.

    Yesterday was ok. At the end of the day I got really tired and emotional. From weepy, to happy, to lets just jump of the balcony. Somewhat better now. Just my brain rewiring I guess.

    Yoga always helps.
  12. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    27 days, 648 hours of the rest of my life

    Yesterday was a quiet day. (after hectic doing groceries in the morning, people seem to be forgetting 1,5 m distance already:(
    Morning Woods are back but during the day it is flatline, which is fine by me.
    Took the day off and said hobbying in the basement of my regular hobby haunt. Working on painting some Necromunda terrain.
    It was nice being on my own the whole day, doing it again today (after a spot of work).
    Made clear to my SO I just needed some time on my own, nothing to do with her.

    Yoga in the evening

    Checked my Browser history this morning
    Laptop: mostly work related, a very few hobby things, not necessary to watch those daily. Good
    Youtube: Yoga and 1 news item, great!
    Phone: mmm, few things but too much news, and hobbying sharing on what'sApp. OK.
  13. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    28 days, 672 hours of the rest of my life

    The day started hard and stayed tough.
    I took a shower in the morning. Dick was hard because I washed it and because the water hit it. Tried to avoid it further.
    When I had finished and wash toweling dry, SO stepped into the bathroom naked because she wanted to shower to.
    She stepped into the shower and only closed the curtains when she was already wet.
    BAM brain triggered and a little pre-cum came out, without any touching . Just the sight of her.
    Brain stayed active all day. pfff.

    Browser history is ok, No surfing, no internet, just too much Whatsapp because it was my hobby night, in lockdown.

    Yoga of course, felt out of balance
    kropo82 and Day Sunshine like this.
  14. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    29 days, 696 hours of the rest of my life

    Ran 5 miles in the morning, new route which went great with the sun just rising
    I was a bit itchy all day. Didn't feel like doing anything but just got to work, that helped.
    Strange thing, I gave my SO a back rub, just with clothes on, the both of us.
    Penis was flacid, she was moaning a bit because her back hurt, I looked down at her behind which she arched a bit and I came a little, out of nowhere again, without stimulation, a bit of pre-cum.
    Well tension is building I guess.?! ;)
    Yoga of course

    Youtube history, perfect
    Browser history, almost perfect.
    Phone: watched too much hobby/what'sapp, not much so good
  15. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    30 days, 720 hours of the rest of my life

    One third already.
    Worked at my friends' S. DIY house again after 8 week break.
    Hard construction work so very tiring. (but with BBQ-ed meat =) No time or energy for urges, itches or thoughts.
    Evening in front of TV with SO

    and Yoga, day 20 already

    Browser, youtube, phone history, very good!
    No time for distraction.
    (almost) Screenless Sunday today, so bye
  16. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    31 days, 744 hours of the rest of my life

    Yesterday was good and hard.
    Woke up early, stayed in bed. SO woke, we talked and cuddled and she started stroking my body.
    Very nice, I got very hard, she stroked my cock and balls a bit too.
    After a while it was enough and we got up.

    It was very nice but got me tense all day.
    Made it Screenless Sunday again which worked very well, but also made clear how addictive that is.

    Yoga in the evening.

    Watched tv together and suddenly it was all too much and I broke down crying.
    SO held me, really helped. I ask too much of myself all the time and never relax/take it easy.
    And this makes me stressed, want to relax, so want to PMO.

    But PMO just feeds this circle of anxiety as we all know. Time to start loving myself, be easy on myself and deal with my problems
  17. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    32 days, 768 hours of the rest of my life

    I beat my last long streak, 31 day as of 02-03-2020. =)
    Next milestone 42 days, "only"10 days to go.

    It is getting easier, fine day yesterday. Some thoughts, few urges and itches.
  18. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    33 days, 792 hours of the rest of my life

    A tiring day. Hayfever was bothering me again (maybe I should get meds, but I'm rather against taking drugs if it is not really necessary). So I worked slow, took a nap in the afternoon.
    Corona update in the evening. Lockdown lessens even more, if everything keeps going ok.
    It is always a lot of information and afterwards me and my SO, we are left with a lot of questions.
    Totally unnecessary question, just our brains being activated, so we agitate ourselves. Bit like PMO
    Wet to pick up some hobby=work material at a friends (at a distance).
    And did Yoga late.

    Couldn't sleep because of an itchy throat and took my matress to the other room.
    Yoga asked to remember WHY? you were doing this, had started the Yoga.

    So Why NoFap, why no PMO?
    Because I noticed it was warping my thoughts.
    I love my SO and she is a wonderful person. We fit together really well.
    But like everything this takes effort. And movies, books, commercials have created the Myth that love and a good relationship, even life should be effortless and that brings happiness.
    That is complete bullocks and (neuro)science agrees.

    But my mind, being warped by this addiction keeps saying; I'm not getting my hit, this is not good. It is HER fault.
    No it is MY own actions that determine my life.

    I like sex. I do not need it to survive but it is very nice so I choose to want and have it.
    It is best with an emotional connection. So I'd like to have sex in my relationship.
    Nothing wrong with that. Only this PMO addiction has warped this want/need completely.
    Time to fight! Get rid of it mostly.
  19. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    34 days, 816 hours of the rest of my life

    I'm getting tired of blogging. Or at least of using it as a diary.
    I'll focus more on the PMO part.

    So yesterday..
    -Was hard because I go several enormous, iron hard erections and they rub against my tight jeans.
    When they subsided there was some pre-cum leakage and when I tried to go to the toilet once I came a little from trying to pee.
    -Had a long walk in the forest with SO which helped me relax. Suceeded in staying quiet.
    -SO had a (long overdue) fight with her best friend of 25! years. SO was really angry and hurt but stood up for herself. We talked about it for the whole evening. It was stressful so I wanted to have sex/release. It was very emotional and we were very close, so I wanted intimacy. SO was not in the mood of course and on her period but I did not try anything or hint at anything. Just helde her and listened.
    Yoga helped relax too of course, but it was just before her phonecall with her friend.

    No more hints, or stroking SO, or talking about sex/NoFap, it is all p-sub to me.
    Day 1 of that, went well
  20. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    I hope those aren't all Psubs, but triggers I can see. Good luck, just saying hi more than anything, you are doing well.

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