Do or do not, there is no try

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Bobske, May 24, 2019.

  1. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    35 days, 840 hours of the rest of my life

    Worked at my friend S.'s house again. Hard labour so to busy and later to tired to think of sex.
    Yoga in the evening was extra relaxing.

    Browser histoty everywhere very clean. No nonsense, this really helps my brain relax.
    In the evening I went on Discord with some friends while hobbying. It was nice to see them again, we painted our models and didn't really chat much. Still not my thing and too much info at the same time, just like looking everything up on the internet. Still the brain looking for a hit.

    Hi, glad to see you are still here. Thanks
    At the Yoga they said: where attention goes, energy flows.
    Triggers or me looking for something, it is a fine line.
    When I look at a woman in the street; is she triggering me or am I lloking to see if she is nice/sexy. In other words is my brain looking for a reward, because when I see a beautiful woman I get happy??

    Same with my SO, a relationship I think. In the beginning everything is new and interesting. You explore each other, and I do not mean just physically. You feel pleasure from each others company and cannot get enough of being together. We call it being in love, falling in love. It is your brain giving you drugs.
    Of course, you get used to those drugs and have to do more and more to get a high.
    So we tell ourselves being in love turns to real love. It becomes too much trouble to keep reaching that high because it become higher to reach.
    Later we have grown apart, or things aren't how they were.
    People try to spice things up with holidays, when all was great again, because your brain gets new signals a new environment. Or sex toys in the bedroom or who knows what.

    What works better I think is start doing your own thing again.
    Less time together, and making the time together really count, focussing on the here and now and reaaly seeing and listening to the other. Let your brain get a rest, give it regular hits, and start missing each other (those hits)again.
    Make yourself happy and your SO will find you more attractive.

    See Nature. Males chase females. Females are uninterested except when in heat. In heat they still have to be courted.
    Except when the male is uninterested (tired;), then females start trying to attract his attention instead of the other way around (lions, deer etc.)

    So I'm stopping in lowering my own (sexual)energy= PMO
    This make me have more energy for other things, expressing myself.
    This make me happier and more interesting for my SO.

    That is the theory. Seems to be working so far.
  2. Stag99

    Stag99 Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    Interesting theory Bobske.
    I must admit i’m a firm believer in doing your own thing.
    If you’re giving your SO too much attention she will get bored and take you for granted.
    But if you do your own thing and give her less attention, as you noted, she will start trying to regain your attention.
    Women have a very odd psychology, quite different from men.
  3. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    This can backfire depending on the woman. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have your own thing, but if quality time is you so’s love language and you spend most of your time at work then doing your own thing, it’s not going to end well. My husband works 60+ hours a week, then goes road biking on the weekends. Fortunately quality time is not my love language. However physical touch and acts of service are, so if he spends one hour helping me fix fencing, cut up firewood, or if he wants sex or wants to hold me then I feel loved and happy. It really depends on the woman.
  4. Stag99

    Stag99 Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    I agree.
    Although i’m not suggesting completely ignoring your SO and spending no time with him/her.
    Just don’t orbit them like they’re your entire universe.
    Being too clingy / always available is not a generally attractive look on a man.
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  5. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Thanks for your thoughts @Stag99 & @Psalm27:1my light
    Always good to have another opinion.

    Considering love languages; I looked it up a while ago. We talked about it.
    My SO's mother died when she was 2, her father raised her pretty unemotional, dominant and rough.
    She was raised on a farm so spent much time alone. So love language?? She does/did not have any.
    Luckily she is finding her own self these days. It is more a question of : If you love something set it free.
    She needs space and time to (learn to) express herself.

    I love her and am willing to give her that.
    I am a helper, so have to learn to keep my distance and just ler her be herself. Really listen.
    Went very well with her fight with her best friend 2 days ago. No judgement, for her or her friend, no affirmation or denial, no discussion, just listening and open questions.

    Mmm, my love languages. SO agrees

    1. Words of Affirmation=> Yup I tell my friends I like them, love them, how great they are. What I like about them.
    SO had to get used to this. Often says she does not need to hear it all the time. Toning it down

    2.Gifts=> I like to give. Been doing it less these last years, because we have enough, safe the planet. But used
    to do it a lot. SO like is but feels the same. She rarely gave/gives me something. Does make it extra special when she does.

    3.Acts of Service=> yup, our household is built around me doing the things she doesn't like. I cook and do the dishes.
    Her, if she doesn't want to do it, she doesn't do it. We have started saying lots of thanks you for the normal things. Shwoing gratitude.

    4.Quality Time => I love spening time with her. Go to a movie she likes. Watch TV together. As we both work at home, we are together a lot, especially with quarantine. It is more a question of really making it quality time. Again the really listening, not on autopilot part. I was raised with two sisters in a very vocal family and am used to lots of people around me. SO is used to being alone, also needs that but finds it difficult that she needs other people too.
    I find it difficult that I need time alone to, to take that.

    5. Physical Touch. I'm definitively a touchy-feely man. Hugging my friends, patting them on the back etc.
    SO had to get used to that. Really likes it but I have to be carefull not to overdo it. Once more, within my own boundaries, not on autopilot. We do a big hug (20 to 30 seconds) most morning now. I let SO decide when she is ready for it.
    SEX, yes definitively. I like it. SO used to love it too. Nowadays it seems to be 100% hormonal for her, once a month.
    Myself, figuring out what my normal level is, right here, by losing this addiction.

    36 days, 864 hours of the rest of my life

  6. Stag99

    Stag99 Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    Thanks for the background on your SO Bobske.
    That does help explain her behavior.
    I’ll be honest when i read some of your posts it sounds like you’re doing everything right, but she keeps pushing you away, which makes me scratch my head.
    But it makes a lot more sense now.
    You’re a good man, keep your chin up and things will work out for the best.
    Bobske likes this.
  7. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    Did she take the test? She may not score high or lean in one direction because she just may not know but a starting point might be whatever scores highest? We took in a homeless girl about 4 years ago, she was trying to finish high school but was told she couldn’t because she was homeless. When she came to live with us, she was such a lost soul.biological mom died in childbirth,dad decided he could raise her twin brother but not her so gave her up. Horrific abuse by adoptive parents in every form. All she knew was to hide, protect herself! I never had her take the test, I just waited and loved her like my own children. It took about 2 years before I could confidently “ know” her love languages. However, you’re wife must feel safe before she will “ show” her love language. Otherwise they are to busy trying not to get hurt,fear abandonment, etc...
    Bobske likes this.
  8. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    37 days, 888 hours of the rest of my life
    38 days, 912 hours of the rest of my life

    I had a (almost) screenless Sunday again, which always feel wonderful.
    Day 37 was working out at friend S.'s house. Wrecking the ceiling :). So busy and tired, no time to think of sex.
    Day 38 was a day of recouperating for me and my SO. We talked a lot about her argument with her best friend, took some walks together and watched TV.
    A couple of almost fights because of all the emotions but we also took a lot of time to let it all sink in and be alone.
    Yoga of course.

    Almost finished the 30 days, but will continue to do Yoga every day.
    The exercise is good for my body and brain. A daily moment ot myself and some rest is what this Duracel Rabbit needs.

    Well, I'm good, but not thát good! ;) I've done lots of things wrong in the past, but I'm learning and trying to do right, for me, now.

    What a hardbreaking story, but wonderful too that you took her in and could help. Thanks for sharing. How is she doing at the moment?
    SO never took the test. We talked about it. Trying to get her to take the test lit up the old: Am I not good enough, Why do you want to know? What difference does it make? argument.
    Nezir likes this.

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