Do or do not, there is no try

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Bobske, May 24, 2019.

  1. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    She didn't have "the feeling" no more. She hadn't had it and had been doubting for 1,5 years. She was working on herself and wanted to go in a direction where he couldn't follow .
    That's about all I can say without judging and assuming and giving my opinion.
    I think every relation has periods of in love and of friendship.

    My view
    I think they could have grown together (if they started long ago) , she might have taken a less drastic step even now.
    But they have been through a lot together. That might strengthen your band or change you and make you grow apart.
    If you really want to talk about it, we can do it in a private chat

    EDIT: as for myself, they are my best friends, so it is hard to see them both in pain and knowing there is nothing you can do to help, only be there and listen, not judge. It is a proces of grieving, just like the loss of a person. Being divorced and having lost sevral family members myself, it brings back a lot. Like going to a funeral of somebody you haven't know to support a family member. You are still sad for them and cry for all the people you have lost as well. And I'm sensitive so watching myself, and SO watches me not to get carried away, thanks for asking
  2. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    DAY 4 (01-10-2019)
    86 to go.

    Very strange day.
    Woke up together with SO. We cuddled, she rubbed herself against me, I said she had a nice behind, she said I could touch it. One thing led to another and I made love to her. I was totally focused on her and didn't get any touch or anything. We started and stopped several time but SO was to tense to O and we stopped. It was nice and did relax her.

    Weird thing was that when we stopped and I was lying next to her. Penis had gotten hard during because it was exiting and was now half flacid. I was just lying there, no touch, no rubbing against something or anything. I wasn't excited or horny. I relaxed my mind /focus and I came suddenly. Not a full blown orgasm, just some pre-cum but it was there anyway. Totally surprised me. Just my body letting off pressure I guess?
    I'm not counting this one!
    (like I won't count wet dreams, haven't had one, but you cannot help that)

    After that SO started touching me. I said she didn't have to, I didn't need to but she did.
    After a while she stopped, saying she shouldn't have done it. I agreed, told her I said so and I should have stopped her from my viewpoint as well. and it was ok.

    The negative aspect of that was that it got me tense and I stayed that way all day.
    But just wanted my SO, not PMO.
    PMO bad! :mad:;)
  3. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 5 02-10-2019
    85 to go

    SEx, sex, sex was what my mind kept telling me all day yesterday.
    I wasn't doing anything particular that could trigger, just trying to focus on my work.
    Probably chaser effect from Monday.

    SO was gone for a while which is a trigger and made it worse. Watched some Youtube movies about pron addiction.
    But screen time also makes it worse. When it got too bad I resisted temptationa dn went running. Took care to take it easy, exactly 5 km in 30 minutes. That helped.

    Talked to SO about it, that I really wanted to reach 90 days without O now, and needed her help.
    But that she need not miss anything (except my O).
    She agreed to be a more stict mistress from now on. :mad::p

    Expressing my feelings and asking for help really felt good
    Faceplanter likes this.
  4. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 6 03-10-2019
    84 to go

    I had a day off and I wanted to do some things. I had all day, no rush.
    But I had a plan/idea in my mind.
    I had one customer, (I'm Mulligans at ;)
    not a large one but a whole set so a nice sum of money and I had to make a parcel.
    I awoke later than expected, everything went slower, tape ran out when I was making a parcel from the order.
    In short, my plan went awry and although I had all day I got frustrated.

    I got a hug from my SO and got excited.:oops: It hit me once more how childish this is.
    A child runs to its parents when it gets frustrated, stressed.
    It is good to have your partner's support and that you may express yourself.

    But I'm a grown man and it shouldn't be a crutch I lean on.
    An the immediate switch to sex, is just addiction:rolleyes:

    After that I calmed myself down. The rest of the day was quiet with a few itches.
    I was alone so recognized them for what they are, accepted and did not fight it. Did hobby stuff so it went away.

    I researched Love Languages and the first test was:
    8 times Physical Touch
    7 Quality time
    7 Words of Affection
    6 Acts of Service
    2 Receiving Gifts

    Back home late in the evening SO was a bit stressed and tired so somewhat distant. I tried to talk about what I learned from the love languages but she clamped up. I remembered not to stress, we did a meditation together and went to bed. (seprately because after Game Night I toss and turn) Felt a bit stressed, feeling alone, left out, unloved but also knew I was tired from Game Night as usual.
    Away bad thoughts and urges, I just need sleep.

    That is something I do often and what really helps, power naps!
    Frustrated, tired, just close my eyes for a few moments, set an alarm if you want.
    Take some deep breaths. I take a real nap which last 1 hour top but mostly 30-45 minutes.
    Turns out lots of emotion, urges, itches was tiredness.

  5. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 7 04-10-2019
    83 to go

    My best friend who is getting deivorced came by.
    We (mostly he ;) talked from 10.00 to 15:00.

    I tried just to listen and not to judge or analyze too much. Not talk about my experiences etc.
    We took a walk, had a healthy lunch and even laughed a bit in the end
    When he left I was tired, drained but satisfied and energetic at the same time.

    I did notice cravings for fat food, sugary food, touch and sex but could recognize them for what they are and ignore them quite easily. But strange how my brain kept telling me: look at some naked women, it will be good:confused:
    Talked to SO in bits and fits because we both knew it was all very much. Watched a little TV together but not too much, just to take my mind of things. Went to bed early together

    I the middle of last noght I lay awake with a very hard erection.
    Started by trying, to ignore it, deny it, trying to make it go away by meditating.
    Didn't work and I realized denying my body, my sexuality isn't the solution either.
    Focusing on it is the addiction so I tried to relax and accept it.
    Didn't make it go away, but did help and I had a kind of mental O.:eek:

    After 2 hours or so it relaxed and I could sleep again, still tired now.
    SO is going to go away, I'm going to help my other friend with his house again. I know I mustn't sit at home alone.

    Keep Fighting the good fight;)
  6. Stag99

    Stag99 Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    Hey Bobske,

    regarding the random boners in the middle of the night,
    I found a great solution to that problem : reading.
    I keep my kindle ebook reader near my bed and start reading whenever that happens. Usually some porn addiction recovery materials (or i hop on nofap forums for a bit). In 20-30 mins the problem goes away and i go back to sleep.
    mrtumnus likes this.
  7. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 8 05-10-2019
    82 to go

    Thanks! I love to read and always have a book somewhere. Hav eto get up though else I wake my SO.

    Yesterday I went to work in friend S.'s house. It was a slow day and we didn't get much work done, but we had a nice time. I had itches all day long. No urges, I wasn't thinking about sex wasn't feelinh horny or excited. It was just like I was close to O all the time. Very weird again. When I got home I took a shower, and tried to sleep a little.
    When I was almost asleep (again not thinking about sex) I had a kind of mental O again which woke me up.
    Tried to sleep again and the same happened.
    Got up and did some things.

    SO go home, we talked about the day. I cooked and after dinner we had a long conversation about sex, attraction, being horny etc. We stopped when it got too much.
    Both did our own things and went to bed early.

    I awoke after 2 hours with the same mental O, no nocturnal emissions, no wet dream, just a mental O.
    Lay awake a little while.

    I feel frustrated because I once more did most of the talking and opened myself up.
    SO is mostly defensive: I just doný feel it like that, we women might be different, we women talk more about it than men, to a friend. But if I ask details, about what: it is like "what does it matter? why do you want to know?
    I think hugging is more important"

    I get the feeling that my sexuality, and male sexuality in general is not taken seriously. Especially in combination with the P addiction now. I see it a lot here
    Like "men want it all the time". We are just horny.
    Wait since when is one emotion more impotant than another.
    If you are sad you may cry, if you are happy laugh. But if you are a male and want sex, are horny all of a sudden you have to put it away, cannot deal with emotions, intimacy etc.

    People here are saying: you do not need sex, an O.
    No, not to survive I don't. To be a complete and balaced human being, I and I think everyone, definitively do.

    So men and women here
    Beat that addiction, search your feelings but don't push away your sexuality.
    Consentual sex, is good, fun and healthy
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2019
    Faceplanter likes this.
  8. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 9 06-10-2019
    81 to go 10% reached

    Got up, was very hard, touched myself a little without thinking, on autopilot.
    Stopped and went to work. Later friend C. came by and friend S. picked us up to work at his place.
    Work was precision stuff so slow and steady. Asked my friends about their views on sex and it was nice to talk openly about it. No real urges or itches, just busy

    I heard from friend D.ivorce, whatapp. He was feeling bad, this made me feel bad and stressed becaue I'm a caring person and there is nothing I can do but listen and be there for him. Tried to let go.
    Later he asked if he could stay 2 days at our place, he and his wife have a holiday next week and they do not want to be with the kids in the same house all week together.
    SO and I got stressed immediately. We have a very small apartment and are both a bit autistic.
    After a little while I recognised; no more thinking, this does not feel right. He cannot come over and/or sleep here while we are both at home, period.

    Stress did not really go down after that, together with tiredness my brain gave me sex signals. But I was so tired and stressed and recognise the now. They were just signals, no urges or itches.

    Me and SO hugged a lot and talked a lot but in patches so it wouldn't be too much.
    Meditated together before bed and went to sleep.
  9. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 10 07-10-2019
    80 to go 11% reached

    Yesterday I read an porn story and touched myself, so I'm thinking reset?
    But just resetting again and starting over, just saying; "ooops sorry, I'll never do it again/do better this time/ this is so hard/I was under a lot of stress/now it is going to work" etc. etc. is just making excuses and acting like a child.

    So I'm going back to the basics, to better understand myself and the proces:
    Read this again.

    and this

    I had a row with my SO yesterday. The stress of the last week, the divorce of our friends, came out.
    It was very fierce again with both of us leaving the room angry (me first:(
    But we worked it our faster and better than before.

    I want to talk more to my SO, be more honest because why am I doing this:
    To have a better relationship, and a better sex life. To get rid of the urges and thinking about sex all the time.
    To have the confidence and faith that we will be intimate when I open myself up.
    I don't want to have sex whenever I want to or feel the need.
    I want to make love on a semi-regular bases because we are relaxed, like to share feeling, enjoy each others emotions and physicality.
    Still thinking, please do not comment, you should, or you shouldn't. My battle, my choice
  10. The Electric Monk

    The Electric Monk Fapstronaut

    Hey Bobske, I commented a while ago about a couple things you could do to set up a relapse prevention strategy, and I think that the first would still be very be helpful for you:

    Decide on the goals of your recovery, in detail, and write them down. Refer to them whenever you are unsure what to do. Decide what counts as a reset ahead of time, and write it down because in the moment, we as addicts are not good at making logical decisions without cognitive distortions (minimisation, rationalization, externalising and so on).
    ola501 and mrtumnus like this.
  11. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Thanks! Good Tip!

    Writing it down
    O is a reset, except wet dreams, spontaneous emissions.
    M, conscious is a reset
    P in any from is a reset, written, drawn, pictures, movies
    mrtumnus likes this.
  12. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 1 of 90 No PMO 08-10-2019
    89 to go 0,01% reached
    +10 days no O

    Reset my counter yesterday because I read a porn story and touched myself the day before.
    Lots of stress, little fight yesterday
    But talked it over with my SO and talking keeps getting better.
  13. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 2 of 90 No PMO 09-10-2019
    88 to go 2,22% reached
    +10 days no O

    I am reprogramming my brain by immediately thinking of and focussing on something else when sex and sex related things pop in my head. Thniking of various things, else my brain just gets another fixation/addiction.

    I talked with my freind D. who is getting a divorce about balance and roots. To be a balanced person you needs lots of roots to help you stay balanced. Friends, family, work, study, a hobby, exercise, a partner and in his case kids.
    All thse things might overlap but not too much. And all things should be of semi-equal importance, so everything pulls you in another direction, but you stay centered. You stay balanced on the winding path between Chaos and Order.
    And if you depart from that path, something should pull you back and you should pay attention and go back to the path so you stay balanced.

    f.e. I like to read, a lot. 50 to 100 pages a day. I have had a burnout, been stressed out twice. I recognize the symptoms now, and one of my warning bells is, when I notice I haven't read a lot. And I start reading again.
    Same with running, but the other way around. I like to run and if I don't do it once a week I miss it. I can do it 2 times a week as well. When I do it 3 times a week, the balance is gone. Too much time and effort goes into it and it become a chore.

    Friend D. was totally fixed on work and family, kids. He sported at home with his wife. He went home early from work parties. When the oldest kid was 5, it was the first time he and his wife did soemthing without the kids!!
    I never saw any other friend at birthday party. Our shared hobby, always took place at their house. I always called hime, he only called me back. And after years, I began calling less frequenly of course.
    Now his wife has had enough and it is over!

    Don't let it get that far people, be your own person, not an extension of your work/children/partner etc.
  14. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 3 of 90 No PMO 10-10-2019
    87 to go 3,33% reached
    +10 days no O

    3 day challenge completed onto 7.
    Yesterday I kept myself busy, some minor urges, no real itches and some thoughts but I keep chasing everything away by focusing on something else.
    Did some hobby-work in the morning and went to the city, said my SO could meet me there for lunch if she wanted, my treat. So she was there and we ate at a cat-café. (a place where they have cats you can pet while having a drink/lunch/ cake) I might have focussed much on playing with the cats:p

    After that I did my other, WH, hobby at my games store. In the evening my friends joined me and we had a great night.
    (Blackstone Fortress and my character killed the Big Boss:D)

    Got home very late because someone forgot his phone and we waited for him to pick it up. Did meditate before sleep.
    So tired today, the Friday usual, have to watch that.
    But keeping busy worked well.
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2019
  15. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

    This was the barrier to me being successful last time . I just couldn't bring myself to communicate frankly and openly on a daily basis with my SO. This time we have a daily diary I write in, and read out to SO every evening. It has been amazing for us. I have discovered so many automatic unhelpful thoughts triggered by different situations. SO says she has a much better understanding of what I am going through now, and actually, so do I.
    Good luck with your journey Bobske.
    Bobske likes this.
  16. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Thanks ma, for the sharing, honesty an wished. Best of luck to you to. It is the journey that counts, not the destination.
    Nicko Stretch likes this.
  17. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 4 of 90 No PMO 11-10-2019
    86 to go 4,44% reached
    +10 days no O

    More of the same, so urges and itches, some bad thoughts but chasing them away by focusing on something else.
    SO has her period which subconsciuouly says no [email protected]# to me so that is easier.
    But we talk a lot more. (at least) 20 second hugs (saw an old couple who had been togther 60 years say that as their secret to a good relationship), really help.
    Other hugs are linger as well.

    Friend D.ivorce called again, I let him talk and tried not to judge or analyze or get worked up myself. Just listening and asking some clarification, about his feelings. Worked very well for him as well, in the end he was a lot calmer.
    Still dreamt about everyone splitting up though:confused:
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2019
  18. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 5 of 90 No PMO 12-10-2019
    85 to go 5,55% reached
    +10 days no O

    Yesterday was fine. Worked hard, really hard at friend S.'s house. Worked togother with his new GF and had nice talks.
    Came home, shower, cooking, dinner and drove to my father in law. Watched some TV and had a slideshow with old (40+ years) slides. To busy and tired for urges etc.
  19. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 6 of 90 No PMO 13-10-2019
    84 to go 6,66% reached
    +10 days no O

    It was OK. Me and my SO were at my father-inl-law's farm.
    SO is always a bit distant, concentrated on spending time with her father there. This triggers a bit but I know that is a bit childish, wanting attention. I was very tired from the day before so late in the afternoon I took a nap.
    Urges and itches and thought but penis is flatlined so that makes it easier.
    The rest seems to be far of, like I'm separating them in my brain.
    But have to watch myself the coming days. Most of the time week 3 is hardest, around day 21 (as I already had 10 days no O befoe starting). I'll see no worrying for tomorrow.
  20. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

    Day 7 of 90 No PMO 14-10-2019
    83 to go 7,77% reached
    +10 days no O

    A day full of urges, itches and thoughts. I tried talking to SO but I clammed up.
    SO gave me space and we talked later.
    I'm afraid of feeling like this forever. The addication really took off/over when my sex life with my SO became less.
    I hope we can make love more often than once in a period again.
    Cannot say much more about it now

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