do we need relationships to beat pmo?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by FrequencyLimbos, Sep 19, 2021.

do you think relationships improve chances of beating pmo?

  1. yes

  2. no

  3. it depends on the relationship

Results are only viewable after voting.
  1. FrequencyLimbos

    FrequencyLimbos Fapstronaut

    140
    73
    28
    some people here obviously have relationships, they say stuff along the lines of needing love and support when you're getting down on yourself in your head. I haven't ever had a relationship and i do wonder about "love" and how it would be great to have it. To me as a teenager all my friends were so sex related, having sex was all that mattered. To me this was a waste of time, every woman can give you sex, a meaningful relationship is so much more then that. Someone to cuddle with, to be emotional with, to be told everything will be alright, reassurance, support, understanding.

    i just get jealous and hateful when seeing couples together, i hate that they have something i think is impossible to have myself, i hate that they're so happy and aren't worried 24/7 about life.
    idk if i even want a relationship, i like my routines and doing what i like without much complication but i feel like I'm missing something important to being human, everyone needs love right?
     
    Upwards2020 and black_coyote like this.
  2. JoeinMD

    JoeinMD Fapstronaut

    Just the opposite. It's much better to work on yourself as single, getting rid of all these bad habits and addictions, so that you will be better prepared and founded for a future relationships to come. Those already in relationships with this ongoing addiction are not only damaged but they have damaged their relationships as well. Some still have a chance. Be all that you can be now before you meet your lifetime partner. Be glad you have this "single" time now.
    .
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2021
    HelperX, Upwards2020 and black_coyote like this.
  3. FrequencyLimbos

    FrequencyLimbos Fapstronaut

    140
    73
    28
    i agree with you, just open for discussion.
     
    Upwards2020 and JoeinMD like this.
  4. Buddhism Is True

    Buddhism Is True Fapstronaut

    1,185
    1,681
    143
    You need friendships with other men that make you better and a life you want to live, not a relationship with woman. Women are icing on your cake. You don’t put icing on shit. You need to make your life better to break out of the PMO cycle, not a girlfriend.
     
    black_coyote likes this.
  5. FrequencyLimbos

    FrequencyLimbos Fapstronaut

    140
    73
    28
    i agree i always say to myself "sort yourself out, emotionally, mentally and physically before going into relationships"
     
  6. black_coyote

    black_coyote Fapstronaut

    One of the trap an addict can fall into is the belief that relationship will essentially help you get out of the miseries of life. It may be true that a harmonious relationship can be healing. But whatever it may be, a woman can't help you better your life or beat your addiction. You have to do it for yourself.

    In the fight against addiction, You are a one man army and should take absolute responsibility for yourself.

    Your friends, your partner can walk with you but they never ever can walk for you.. if you enter into a relationship with the expectation that your partner walk for you, you are going to harm yourself and the partner.

    I'd say that work on being a better man. A man has to find himself before he finds a woman.

    Do not feel jealous of other people's life. Firmly believe in your pace of life. Everyone has a pace, a rhythm. Find yours. That's the best gift you can give yourself.

    Take care friend!
     
  7. Upwards2020

    Upwards2020 Fapstronaut

    152
    137
    43
    I think so .
    I think as a male as a sexual being .
    We are biologically driven to have sex , reproduce , and or find an intimate partner.

    We can lie to ourselves and tell ourselves whatever we like but deep down that is what we want that is how our brains and biology operates .

    We can live long-term without and live our lives in a completely different way. Some might consider it a more free and stable way to live some people like there independence just that bit more or have just had shit luck .

    I don't think you need to be on a relationship to quit porn and have a few streaks . But for the overall quality and happiness of your life as a male as a sexual being with desires , needs and urges and to really stop watching porn for good long-term I think relationships are probably necessary

    I've been trying to quit porn for 2 years and honestly I don't think i stand a chance in hell stopping cold turkey apart from that you only gain experience in relationships by being in one . You can't spend your entire life preparing for something life is here and now
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2021
  8. Upwards2020

    Upwards2020 Fapstronaut

    152
    137
    43
    That's were I think your wrong . Maybe when you were a teenager . Most grown men spend there time with there partner or wife and from time to time will see old friends . They've lived together grown together and have a relationship that is more than icing on the cake . Maybe when your a teenager or early to late 20s but older than that most grown men have wives and children and there male network is work colleagues or old friends. But I hear you on how freindships with other men shapes your life . Usually from high school . Same line of work . Or hobbies and interests.

    It depends really. There are plenty of people who spend all there time with there partner and very rarely see freinds jeez some people live out in the arsehole of nowhere living off there own land together without a single person around for 100s of miles

    I think it's all relavent and where you are in your stage of life
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2021
  9. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    2,298
    3,407
    143
    You need relationships, not sex. Women are sexual beings as well, all humans have some sexual drive. Controlling it is your choice. You have a drive for sex, not a need, you will not die if you don’t orgasm. You can actually live a very fulfilling life without sex and orgasm. You need relationships and connection though, you can die without those. Look at the studies they have done With babies and their care. They need love as much as they need food, shelter, sleep. Look at what happens to prisoners in solitary confinement. When you pmo you are not acting as an adult with sexual urges, you are acting like a child who can’t cope with adult emotions. If having a partner was all that was needed then every person who is in a relationship wound stop pmo, but they don’t. In fact for the majority it gets worse!
     
    TiredOfHurting likes this.
  10. Buddhism Is True

    Buddhism Is True Fapstronaut

    1,185
    1,681
    143
    Well OPs question was about the necessity of a relationship to break the PMO cycle. I'm pretty sure relationships with other men that point you towards worthwhile things are far more helpful than the support of a woman on that front. That at least, is my own personal experience. I spent a lot of time with my last serious partner. We had the same friends. Ate all our meals together. Spent our evenings and weekends together. Did the same things. Slept in the same bed. It was awful. We got so sick of each other. We never had a lot of physical chemistry together so maybe with the right person not so bad. But if that experience taught me anything its that you need your own life apart from your that of your partner and she needs hers. But I am going through a phase in my life where I am very single with very few friends so I may not be the best source of info.
     
  11. modernstore99

    modernstore99 Fapstronaut

    The best way to recover from porn addiction and prevent relapses in the future is to rewire with a partner for significant amount of time. It builds up neural connections in your brain that find relationships and real sex very rewarding, making it harder for your mind to get hooked on porn again. Rewiring is a critical step missed by many rebooters, putting them back at step one when they inevitably relapse (because pretty much everyone does at some point in the future).

    I'm not saying you should be simping for every girl you meet or be dying to get in a relationship. All you gotta do is put yourself on the market, show interest and show why you're interesting, and see where it goes from there. If you feel some chemistry after like 5-6 hangouts and she's down, might as well make it a longish term thing. Don't rush a relationship or stay in one just for rebooting. That is probably even worse because if you don't like a relationship and you're still having sex, you're rewiring your brain to associate real sex with the shitty things you're going through, making you like it less.

    It's also great to have emotional support during a reboot, which partners are ideal for. If you bring a lot of joy and care into their life then they'll love to help you with their problems. It also really helps with urges to kiss and cuddle them, as well as fingering and eating them out.

    In the end though rewiring is critical to recovering from porn. Think of porn addiction like having a plant in a pot, ad throwing bits of plastic metal; the soil gets poisoned, the plant will probably die, and nothing healthy can grow there. Rebooting would be like taking out all the dirt, and rewiring would be like filling the pot with healthy soil with minerals, manure, and plenty of moisture. Rebooting without rewiring is like removing the bad soil from the pot, but not putting anything back in. If you go back to putting shit in there, the plant will eat it up and get sick again. If you've been feeding the plant good soil and it happens across some trash (porn relapse), the plant will stay healthy because it's been eating up good shit for a little while
     
    Rents77 likes this.
  12. FrequencyLimbos

    FrequencyLimbos Fapstronaut

    140
    73
    28
    you're putting too much faith in relationships here, implying that no progress is ever going to be made unless you immediately jump into relationships. I'd rather pace myself and do what's right for me personally.
     
  13. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

    899
    1,102
    123
    You can have love from your friends, family, pets.. etc.
    Having a relationship is another amazing thing to have in life if it's healthy. There a lot of relationships that are totally toxic and it's better to be alone that in that kind of relationship.

    Work on yourselve, have goals, ambitions, do fun stuff, go out with friends, live an amazing life and woman are going to be attracted to share that amazing life with you. But remember, dating a woman is another amazing thing you do in life, not the center of it.
     
  14. FrequencyLimbos

    FrequencyLimbos Fapstronaut

    140
    73
    28
    you right, besides I'm not ready for a relationship anyway.
     
  15. modernstore99

    modernstore99 Fapstronaut

    That is not what I meant. You should never rush into a relationship unless you just absolutely click with someone and love spending time with them. Even then it's good to take things slow you don't burn out quick.

    What I am saying is that you need to retrain your brain that having sex is very rewarding and feels really good. Years of porn abuse makes your brain "forget" this. A reboot clears out the gunk, but there isn't much left, so you have to replace it with something. Frequent sexual activities after your reboot is critical to enjoying sex more and not falling back into porn. Even if you relapse, your brain has a healthy baseline of regular sex, so porn's hooks don't go in as deep.

    The best way to have frequent sexual activities is having a longterm SO. If you're a Tinder god and can bed a different girl every week then sure have at it, but most cannot do that, it's not sustainable, and it trains your brain to expect novel partners. Getting a long term SO for 8-12 months is the most efficient move. It's also good practice
     
    Marshall 5 and Rents77 like this.
  16. FrequencyLimbos

    FrequencyLimbos Fapstronaut

    140
    73
    28
    i get what you're saying in terms of replacing the addiction with something healthy, I'd just wouldn't feel happy having frequent sex, it's essentially replacing the addiction with sex addiction. A healthy relationship with an SO seems rare in todays day and age, relationships can be superficial, for vanity or egotistical reasons or either parties just don't care that much. I think 150 days of cleaning yourself up should be the minimum before you decide to date, it's a minefield.
     
  17. modernstore99

    modernstore99 Fapstronaut

    If you don't feel healthy having sex "frequently" then don't haha. Do it when you want to. Being in a relationship is about enjoying life with someone else. You have sex when you feel like it. You're not obligated to anything. When rewiring it's important to not have sex or try to cum when it doesn't feel good; that just reinforces negative behavior. Having sex when you're in the mood is the goal, and it turns out it's pretty often when you're dating someone. Sex isn't just about having crazy orgasms, looking really sexy, and doing crazy sex positions. It's about intimacy, connection, and compassion. Sharing frequent intimacy with your partner when you're in the mood is definitely not sex addiction hahaha.

    I get that things are weird with relationships nowadays, but there are women out there who long for the same things you do! You just have to put yourself in the right environments to meet them, be patient, and focus on enjoying yourself and others. I can understand wanting to get out of your porn addiction before dating, but every should always be working on themselves all the time, so women on the right path in life often won't mind that much if you're figuring some issues out. In fact, if you're rebooting and tell a woman you don't want to have sex for the first few weeks/months of a relationship (you don't need to tell them why, just that it's what you want to do), they often are more interested and into you! It's scary putting yourself out there when you feel damaged and vulnerable, but if you're making real steps to change yourself, it's often a big turn on for women.
     
    Rents77 likes this.
  18. FrequencyLimbos

    FrequencyLimbos Fapstronaut

    140
    73
    28
    thanks for the advice, work on yourself is really the key here.
     
  19. Rents77

    Rents77 Fapstronaut

    This, a 100 times this.

    This right here is one of the reasons why I don't like to venture too much on these forums. You ask a question, but you're already biased and only agree with those in favour of you. There's too much people on these forums shoving/promoting total abstinence and with that, total skip on any possible relationships. And I'm on @modernstore99 side here. But you already seem to have decided your way, so no need waste my (keyboard) breath :)
     
    modernstore99 likes this.
  20. FrequencyLimbos

    FrequencyLimbos Fapstronaut

    140
    73
    28
    my question in the title thread wasn't bosses it was essentially up for debate. I personally know I'm not ready for relationships, I have to work on myself first, you say what you like but the quote you took and what I said was because my guy said it was basically "essential" he may not have said exactly that but it was insinuated, can possibly be damaging to those in recovery. People can end up thinking "well if I can't get a relationship I cant quit pmo, mightaswell go back to it right?" Like I said, I'll do what works for me at my own pace, you do you too.
     

Share This Page