Do women feel pressured in relationships by porn?

[used19]

Ironically, I thought for a long time that if I shaved it all off that I would look like a porn star and I thought that was gross and my husband would think less of me. Oh the irony! Prior to dday, I finally said screw it I prefer things cleaner and did whatever I wanted for my own sake. Then I found out years later. I still struggle between what I prefer and feeling like I’m giving him what he wants. But he now seems to care about how he looks and shaves everywhere but his arms and legs so I guess we’re equal.

 

[used19]

I never wanted kids. 1000% the best thing that ever happened to me. I loved feeling them move inside my belly, I miss that so much. I loved nursing them( before kids that kinda grossed me out, lol). I will never marry again, never get into another romantic relationship, but I’d have more kids in a heartbeat if I could. A dozen more! They are 21,24,25 now and every stage has been a gift. Emergency surgery for my gall bladder did more damage than kids. I didnt get any stretch marks though and no c sections.

My csection did the most damage. Having kids actually helped my body look more curvy in my waist to hips since they widened my hips, so I’m happy that I look more like a real woman and not like the 18 (or not even 18) year olds in porn. I feel like having kids gives me the ultimate one up on all the porn women. I’ve given him something that (assuming we stay together, or I don’t die and he remarries) no other women will ever give him. I don’t hesitate to tell him or use language to open his eyes to the fact that those women (not trying to dehumanize them but rather check the stupid fantasy brain) are nothing that he imagined them to be. It’s all just so gross. But I hate the places my mind goes now that I’m really on the verge of beginning to not look young. It’s a really hard pill to swallow. I’m struggling a lot. I probably would have struggled all along (like you I struggle with the internal desire to be rail thin like a 90s model), but now it’s hard to not compare myself constantly given that they are all just 1 click away and always will be.

 

[Deleted Account]

I'm interested in your difference between not fantasizing about the women, but having a sense of being invited into their private space. My husband has never been able to articulate why he looks at p much beyond it's what he's always done (and masturbated to it). I have think it's his child brain still being dominant, and him seeking the comfort (or excitement) he found as a teenager, again without the risk of any rejection.

I’m not exactly sure what you want me to elaborate on, but I’ll take a stab at it.
I guess my feeling is one of being cared for more than feeling powerful. So most porn didn’t appeal to me. When women look fake like mannequins it isn’t attractive to me. I like something that feels real. Real women with flaws. At the time women in their 30s like I was.
Not with lots of makeup and surgeries. So it looks like a real person you could connect with if that was possible. And if that real person (in my mind) allowed me to see their whole body without holding anything back. It felt connecting. I would get aroused because…nature. But I didn’t take it to the next step of masturbation. I was kind of living vicariously wishing this was the response I could get from my wife. So at some other time I might imagine my wife acting as the person did that I saw. No baggage or emotional disconnection. No resentment. I could be good enough and desired in this fantasy. So I would end up creating a fantasy scenario about my wife and masturbating to that.
When the dopamine wore off, I would feel ashamed and want to hide. I would realize it was all fake and I was back to feeling worthless and unlovable.

Anyway, that was my cycle that I had to break out of. My wife has not said that she cared about this at all. She said she didn’t want to hear about it and it was “my issue”.
The things she is angry about are much more just feeling blamed for our problems early in marriage when I suggested her childhood trauma was a source of our disconnect. I wasn’t wrong and I wish she would address it with a professional. But I was also being selfish and trying to manipulate her into getting “fixed” so I could get the connection I wanted. So she has reason to be angry as well.
But I don’t think she has any issue with thinking I’m fantasizing about 18 year olds in porn snd masturbating. That wasn’t my weakness.

 

[Deleted Account]

Ironically, I thought for a long time that if I shaved it all off that I would look like a porn star and I thought that was gross and my husband would think less of me. Oh the irony! Prior to dday, I finally said screw it I prefer things cleaner and did whatever I wanted for my own sake. Then I found out years later. I still struggle between what I prefer and feeling like I’m giving him what he wants. But he now seems to care about how he looks and shaves everywhere but his arms and legs so I guess we’re equal.

So you did it for your own comfort and not because society and the media seem to make it required to be attractive?

 

[Warfman]

Just my two cents haven't read every post but I'm about half through the thread. My wife has always shaved, she prefers it that way. She doesn't feel "sexy" without it, even when I tell her that I don't mind it when she doesn't. There's been times where she isn't in the mood because it's not shaved. Then she's shaved and initiated. But that was quite a long time ago.

With that said she "O"s much more intensely when I also shave. It is a different sensation, I like it too, but I don't feel it's something that I need one way or the other.

Being a millennial it was pretty normalized growing up. Many people did. I guess personally I've never looked at it as this "pre pubescent" fetish thing at all. For me it's more just a kind of grooming like shaving my beard. Do what makes you feel good, I don't see the reason to pressure someone to do something that feels uncomfortable.

 

[Warfman]

I’m not exactly sure what you want me to elaborate on, but I’ll take a stab at it.
I guess my feeling is one of being cared for more than feeling powerful. Do most porn didn’t appeal to me. When women look fake like mannequins it isn’t attractive to me. I lije something that feels real. Real women with flaws. At the time women in their 30s like I was.
Not with lots of makeup and surgeries. So it looks like a real person you could connect with if that was possible. And if that real person (in my mind) allowed me to see their whole body without holding anything back. It felt connecting. I would get aroused because nature. But I didn’t take it to the next step of masturbation. I was kind of living vicariously wishing this was the response I could get from my wife. So at some other time I might imagine my wife acting as the person did that I saw. No baggage or emotional disconnection. No resentment. I could be good enough and desired in this fantasy. Do I would end up creating a fantasy scenario about my wife and masturbating to that.
When the dopamine wore off, I would feel ashamed and want to hide. I would realize it was all fake and I was back to feeling worthless and unlovable.

Anyway, that was my cycle that I had to break out of. My wife has not said that she cared about this at all. She said she didn’t want to hear about it and it was “my issue”.
The things she is angry about are much more just feeling blamed for our problems early in marriage when I suggested her childhood trauma was a source of our disconnect. I wasn’t wrong and I wish she would address it with a professional. But I was also being selfish and trying to manipulate her into getting “fixed” so I could get the connection I wanted. So she has reason to be angry as well.
But I don’t think she has any issue with thinking I’m fantasizing about 18 year olds in porn snd masturbating. That wasn’t my weakness.

I relate to almost every part of your post here.

 

[Deleted Account]

Just my two cents haven't read every post but I'm about half through the thread. My wife has always shaved, she prefers it that way. She doesn't feel "sexy" without it, even when I tell her that I don't mind it when she doesn't. There's been times where she isn't in the mood because it's not shaved. Then she's shaved and initiated. But that was quite a long time ago.

With that said she "O"s much more intensely when I also shave. It is a different sensation, I like it too, but I don't feel it's something that I need one way or the other.

Being a millennial it was pretty normalized growing up. Many people did. I guess personally I've never looked at it as this "pre pubescent" fetish thing at all. For me it's more just a kind of grooming like shaving my beard. Do what makes you feel good, I don't see the reason to pressure someone to do something that feels uncomfortable.

I have shaved as well. Wife didn’t like it. I just do trimming now for my own preference. Kind of the same with the beard like you said. Just regular grooming to look the way I want to.
But I won’t say that porn might have affected my view of what I like even on myself.

 

[Warfman]

But I won’t say that porn might have affected my view of what I like even on myself.

It's a tough question. I think it probably did especially when I was younger. But now I feel I trim because it is more comfortable for me. I sure don't worry about it like I did in my 20s! Too busy giving kids baths!

 

[used19]

So you did it for your own comfort and not because society and the media seem to make it required to be attractive?

I think I mostly started for my own comfort. Just like I shave my legs because I prefer them to be smooth. It’s a sensory thing, I don’t really care for hair there. I think the other became more important even prior to the discovery of his problem because I worried that I would be unacceptable in some way. Questions of, was I clean enough? Would he feel put off if there was hair there? Etc. Came to mind. MAYBE I was already intuiting a problem BUT maybe also not and it was just how I felt. I know that now, I feel more self conscious. Not because I want to look like anyone else (I’d rather stab my eyes out than try to emulate the very thing that has destroyed me), but because there is a fear in me that the problem he had, whatever it is, will cause him at any moment, for any tiny thing, to just decide that I’m just not worth it. I guess it’s my own self projected perfectionism coupled with how I actually prefer myself that also collides with a skeevy world that I hate. Yay! It’s hard, none of us ever wanted to be *here* at all. Yet here we are.

 

[Deleted Account]

but because there is a fear in me that the problem he had, whatever it is, will cause him at any moment, for any tiny thing, to just decide that I’m just not worth it.

That’s probably one of the saddest sentences I’ve read

 

[used19]

That’s probably one of the saddest sentences I’ve read

I’ve been, sadly, in the situation too many times over the course of my life, of being rejected by friends or family in ways that made me feel so insignificant. I had a friend literally overnight just stop talking to me after we’d been best friends - on phone everyday, sleepovers every weekend, etc. No reason, I asked and asked, nothing. Another cut me out after I wasn’t there at the apartment when we found out another friend had died, even though I had been there for the hours beforehand but I had to go home to finish packing to move back to college. Another spent holidays at our home and was at the birth of our son, but hid she was moving across the country and got mad at me when I was upset that she’d said nothing. Family who berrate me anytime I shared that my feelings were hurt. Family that hid stuff and then was mad that I was upset that they hadn’t told me serious things (I was too sensitive they were worried I couldn’t handle it.). Examples go on and on. My husband knows all of these, he was around for most of them. Knows I don’t do people because I can’t let anyone get close to me again. He also knows that I really struggle with not knowing why those things happened because I could never get closure for healing. So he was what pulled me through, what saved me. I could be okay because I had him. I didn’t need to put myself out to get hurt because I have my best friend. Well that was a giant irony. He went and hurt me worse than anyone else. And the kicker is, he still says he does not remember how it started even though it started while we were engaged. He says he literally has no clue - no idea if he just saw something, no idea if something upset him, no idea if he saw someone, no idea if it was because of a problem with me. I gave him a second chance because he has apologized everyday since dday. None of the other people ever even apologized even once. But I walk around on eggshells, holding my breath, because I need to know why. What is the trigger that started it? What caused him to go from a man of God who prior to me pondered the priesthood, to doing what he did? Why? I know what started the relapse into the second and worse time of his addiction - it was access to a tv show with mature content that everyone at his work was watching, that had graphic enough sex scenes. So I’m walking around feeling like all that has to happen is him seeing something smutty enough and it will happen again. I want to believe there is a greater reason but he can’t tell me one. So it’s really hard feeling like all that I am, all that I’ve given him, this life, all these children, could just not be enough if I don’t look good enough and someone else does.

I hate what this addiction does to both people in the relationship. I just hate it. I’m acutely aware how many issues I’ve got, I just wanted to share how hard the thoughts can be for the SO that I know the addict really didn’t ever intend for us to feel. But things get messy when your worth gets dragged in the muck.

 

[PixelPrincess]

This is a really interesting conversation, and here I come to have an opinion that I doubt anyone else shares!

I know my husbands preferences (bare) and I’ve always shared that preference prior to the relationship. I never felt it was like me trying to look like a porn star or a prepubescent teenager. I don’t even think he did either! That feels like a far reach to me.

I prefer it because it feels more hygienic and comfortable. He prefers it for visual reasons.

I am really sympathetic to the feeling of not wanting to be compared and being uncomfortable with preferences. I struggle with understanding what compromises I’m making and if they’re from a place of desire or from a place of trying to control his experience so he doesn’t relapse and hurt me again. It’s a struggle and I know most partners probably deal with that.

Probably not the topic of this thread but I’d also be very interested in the same conversation about certain other sexual acts or frequency. I’m not personally bothered by the grooming preference but I’d be equally set off to have the request of certain sexual experiences. If I felt pressured into plastic surgery or something, I’d also be pretty peeved about that too.

 

[Deleted Account]

I’d also be very interested in the same conversation about certain other sexual acts or frequency. I’m not personally bothered by the grooming preference but I’d be equally set off to have the request of certain sexual experiences.

Now I’m curious about what you are asking . The purpose of the thread was just to see how much society, and by extension porn, influences our preferences and feelings about them.
So you’re fine to ask your question if you want.

 

[Deleted Account]

I’ve been, sadly, in the situation too many times over the course of my life, of being rejected by friends or family in ways that made me feel so insignificant. I had a friend literally overnight just stop talking to me after we’d been best friends - on phone everyday, sleepovers every weekend, etc. No reason, I asked and asked, nothing. Another cut me out after I wasn’t there at the apartment when we found out another friend had died, even though I had been there for the hours beforehand but I had to go home to finish packing to move back to college. Another spent holidays at our home and was at the birth of our son, but hid she was moving across the country and got mad at me when I was upset that she’d said nothing. Family who berrate me anytime I shared that my feelings were hurt. Family that hid stuff and then was mad that I was upset that they hadn’t told me serious things (I was too sensitive they were worried I couldn’t handle it.). Examples go on and on. My husband knows all of these, he was around for most of them. Knows I don’t do people because I can’t let anyone get close to me again. He also knows that I really struggle with not knowing why those things happened because I could never get closure for healing. So he was what pulled me through, what saved me. I could be okay because I had him. I didn’t need to put myself out to get hurt because I have my best friend. Well that was a giant irony. He went and hurt me worse than anyone else. And the kicker is, he still says he does not remember how it started even though it started while we were engaged. He says he literally has no clue - no idea if he just saw something, no idea if something upset him, no idea if he saw someone, no idea if it was because of a problem with me. I gave him a second chance because he has apologized everyday since dday. None of the other people ever even apologized even once. But I walk around on eggshells, holding my breath, because I need to know why. What is the trigger that started it? What caused him to go from a man of God who prior to me pondered the priesthood, to doing what he did? Why? I know what started the relapse into the second and worse time of his addiction - it was access to a tv show with mature content that everyone at his work was watching, that had graphic enough sex scenes. So I’m walking around feeling like all that has to happen is him seeing something smutty enough and it will happen again. I want to believe there is a greater reason but he can’t tell me one. So it’s really hard feeling like all that I am, all that I’ve given him, this life, all these children, could just not be enough if I don’t look good enough and someone else does.

I hate what this addiction does to both people in the relationship. I just hate it. I’m acutely aware how many issues I’ve got, I just wanted to share how hard the thoughts can be for the SO that I know the addict really didn’t ever intend for us to feel. But things get messy when your worth gets dragged in the muck.

Sounds like you have a lot of trauma around worthiness. I can relate to that for sure.

 

[used19]

Sounds like you have a lot of trauma around worthiness. I can relate to that for sure.

I think that’s why I felt compelled to share. Just wanted to shed light on the kinds of things that make the trauma worse on the SO end.

 

[PixelPrincess]

I think for me I wonder a lot about other SOs and how they continue intimacy with their partners. I get the sense that a lot don’t and I think that’s valid for many reasons. It’s not something I’ve chosen, or even desired, to do…. Somewhat unfortunately. I admit sometimes I wish I could just cut off my husband and reclaim my individuality and just focus on myself.

For many reasons, that’s not something I’ve been able to do beyond a few days. Definitely a topic for another thread in the partner section honestly.

The issue that makes me feel pressured in response to knowing his porn issue is frequency. I have this weird fear that is always at the back of my mind lately that if I don’t make myself available enough, he’ll go back to fapping it behind my back. Or if I’m not doing more adventurous things then maybe he thinks I’m useless.

I know from reading this forum that neither frequency nor type of position will have any impact on his addiction. It’s literally not about me, but that’s really hard to understand too. But I get scared and sad and think maybe I need to do it like a porn star or be available when I’m not turned on.

I’d love to hear other people’s thoughts on how they maintain intimacy without the self pressure to do things they’re uncomfortable with.

 

[Deleted Account]

I think for me I wonder a lot about other SOs and how they continue intimacy with their partners. I get the sense that a lot don’t and I think that’s valid for many reasons. It’s not something I’ve chosen, or even desired, to do…. Somewhat unfortunately. I admit sometimes I wish I could just cut off my husband and reclaim my individuality and just focus on myself.

For many reasons, that’s not something I’ve been able to do beyond a few days. Definitely a topic for another thread in the partner section honestly.

The issue that makes me feel pressured in response to knowing his porn issue is frequency. I have this weird fear that is always at the back of my mind lately that if I don’t make myself available enough, he’ll go back to fapping it behind my back. Or if I’m not doing more adventurous things then maybe he thinks I’m useless.

I know from reading this forum that neither frequency nor type of position will have any impact on his addiction. It’s literally not about me, but that’s really hard to understand too. But I get scared and sad and think maybe I need to do it like a porn star or be available when I’m not turned on.

I’d love to hear other people’s thoughts on how they maintain intimacy without the self pressure to do things they’re uncomfortable with.

Oh, I get what you’re saying. Yeah I’ve been on the other side of that.
You’re right. It doesn’t make any difference. 100 times a day or completely cut off should have no affect on his recovery if he’s actually working it.
But you already knew that. if he needs you to do something for him to maintain sobriety then it’s not real recovery.
My wife initiates when she wants to, but I never do. We are not a healthy example. In a healthy relationship I would be able to initiate but even though she says that I can as long as I don’t pout if she says no, I don’t really believe her. The reason is that she will say yes and then be resentful that she did.
I only want it if she actually wants it. I don’t want it if she is just doing it for me and resenting it.
So as menopause has taken a toll on her desire, we go quite some time in between.

 

[Warfman]

Probably not the topic of this thread but I’d also be very interested in the same conversation about certain other sexual acts or frequency.

Frequency has been a big problem for me personally. Other than maybe before kids, I always want more. Before I think things were pretty good. Maybe I would have wanted more, but I don't remember it being an issue that consumed me like it does now.

As far as positions, I'm going to try and tread lightly, because this can get misconstrued without careful wording... But yes, this is the closest thing to this "comparison" of beauty that gets talked about a lot on this site for me personally. I find my wife physically more attractive than any person in porn or in person. I wouldn't want her to ever get plastic surgery. I don't even like it when she pulls out a grey hair! Time and time again, when a "P star" got something surgically changed I found them less attractive than before.

Back to positions, this is tricky to express, but there are times, (like after a big fight where my wife yells a lot, and berates me). I would turn all that inward and looked for a substitute for what I would describe as feeling "loved". I guess it's probably a wishing for something one doesn't have. Essentially, I long to be loved a certain way, and that's where things get tricky, I want a raw passion where we run toward one anothers embrace rather than away from one another. For instance I really desire my wife to be enthusiastic, which isn't common unless she's the one who wants sex. When she doesn't, I get eye rolls, mumbles, and "oh good grief" I'm such a pain in the ass comments. This also happens with positions, doggy for instance, is one favorite of mine, if I request it, I will always get an eye roll. So often I'm stuck in this mental battle of what I desire, and feeling rejection, and how to deal with that. Feeling rejection doesn't make me feel loved, so I then long for the marriage I've dreamed of. One where even even there's conflict we can go to the bedroom peel wallpaper off the walls if that's what the mood strikes. There are aspects of p, where I think and crave to be loved "like that!" Or that much!

What is really hard for me is several of my ex's had this style of love in language. So I'm often trying to repress how I feel in my marriage since this is lacking. It's not easy, I hate feeling that way, but there's times where I wish I had that part of my ex's relationship back.

Years ago, I did force my wife to do a specific position I saw in p. I was met with so much rejection and unwillingness to try something new that I've never tried forcing something ever again.

Basically I just want my wife to want to, I don't think I'm one to want the extreme stuff. But I wish she was more enthusiastic instead of being so apathetic. I wish she wanted to give me an enthusiastic BJ, just because she loves me, and appreciated me. Heck I even wish she'd give me a back rub. My appetite for p was mostly focused on that, and even if it's acting, I could find enough to fantasize about that in real life.

What I see now is how tricky that is, and how that does escalate. For instance certain positions that many women would find appalling can look "enjoyable" because it's fake, so I have to be careful what I think is a natural desire and what may be induced by P. Just as this thread is asking about shaving. It's not easy working through all this. What I see now, I think... Is that the willingness to do a certain position is more about feeling accepted than trying to recreate some fantasy. So there's lots of things I've seen in p that I'm ok not ever doing even if my wife has and I haven't. (Though that can be a ego struggle at times). Mostly though I want my wife to want to want to, and want to mix it up a little because she enjoys experiencing that with me.

I feel I have to put a disclaimer at the bottom here and say that this is just a single issue of my addiction. And I'm not saying that this is wholly my wife's fault. There are many factors to my addictive cycles and this is just focused on the sexual aspect of my marriage, it's not a full representation of my addiction or my addictive cycles.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

I think for me I wonder a lot about other SOs and how they continue intimacy with their partners. I get the sense that a lot don’t and I think that’s valid for many reasons. It’s not something I’ve chosen, or even desired, to do…. Somewhat unfortunately. I admit sometimes I wish I could just cut off my husband and reclaim my individuality and just focus on myself.

For many reasons, that’s not something I’ve been able to do beyond a few days. Definitely a topic for another thread in the partner section honestly.

The issue that makes me feel pressured in response to knowing his porn issue is frequency. I have this weird fear that is always at the back of my mind lately that if I don’t make myself available enough, he’ll go back to fapping it behind my back. Or if I’m not doing more adventurous things then maybe he thinks I’m useless.

I know from reading this forum that neither frequency nor type of position will have any impact on his addiction. It’s literally not about me, but that’s really hard to understand too. But I get scared and sad and think maybe I need to do it like a porn star or be available when I’m not turned on.

I’d love to hear other people’s thoughts on how they maintain intimacy without the self pressure to do things they’re uncomfortable with.

I 100% know it wasn’t about me. I think because in my relationship I had a very healthy view of sex but my husband did not. So, I was the enthusiastic partner who was always initiating and being rejected. I can relate when the men say ( or believe) they used porn because their partner said no all the time. It’s a different kind of crushing when your spouse doesn’t want sex with you and tries to put it on you as something is wrong with you. I loved sex, I loved everything about it and I could not understand my husband. Add to that everything I ever saw especially in church, told me, men love sex, gotta have it, need, it think about it all the time, women can get it any time they want cuz men won’t say no. My god, the heart break that “ my” man hated sex with me. I thought I’m bad at sex, I’m unattractive, I turn him off no matter what I do. I was relieved when I had dday. Angry as hell, but relieved because I finally knew it wasn’t me! He was screwed up. Because to me , who the hell wants to masturbate when they can have the real thing! I’ve never said no. Not once. This made it really easy for me to see I was not the problem. I’ve also never done anything I wasn’t comfortable with. But I sure pressured him to do things he wasn’t comfortable with ( mostly sex outdoors)

 

[nomo]

I can't believe that I'm the 40th poster about shaving pubes, I never knew it was this big of a deal! Personally, when I had a wild and crazy sex life with my wife, she enjoyed shaving for her and me. Now that we are much older, she doesn't shave and it never bothered me one way or another. But variety and doing something different is fun, so maybe I'll ask her to trim it again soon.
Being a pre-pubic fetish thing may be what it's about for some people, but it's not what turned us on about it or the great majority that do it.