Do women feel pressured in relationships by porn?

[PixelPrincess]

I 100% know it wasn’t about me. I think because in my relationship I had a very healthy view of sex but my husband did not. So, I was the enthusiastic partner who was always initiating and being rejected. I can relate when the men say ( or believe) they used porn because their partner said no all the time. It’s a different kind of crushing when your spouse doesn’t want sex with you and tries to put it on you as something is wrong with you. I loved sex, I loved everything about it and I could not understand my husband. Add to that everything I ever saw especially in church, told me, men love sex, gotta have it, need, it think about it all the time, women can get it any time they want cuz men won’t say no. My god, the heart break that “ my” man hated sex with me. I thought I’m bad at sex, I’m unattractive, I turn him off no matter what I do. I was relieved when I had dday. Angry as hell, but relieved because I finally knew it wasn’t me! He was screwed up. Because to me , who the hell wants to masturbate when they can have the real thing! I’ve never said no. Not once. This made it really easy for me to see I was not the problem. I’ve also never done anything I wasn’t comfortable with. But I sure pressured him to do things he wasn’t comfortable with ( mostly sex outdoors)

We’re very similar in experience and reasons behind the heartbreak. I can count on one hand the times I’ve said no. I even used to be rejected, and the super painful loss of interest halfway through was pretty frequent.

My husband and I have been doing less at his request because he wanted to kind of reset. Today was one of the first times he directly asked. And I can tell that he’s on the right track because of a few certain things that are a huge noticeable difference in terms of stamina and enthusiasm.

Im under no impression we’ll never experience this addiction flare up again, but I’m enjoying the progress. His faith in God has returned and he is obviously feeling better. I’m encouraged for now.

 

[MintGreen]

I wonder a lot about other SOs and how they continue intimacy with their partners

Up to the first dday I had driven our sex life, and had more or less given up because he never said he liked anything, never instigated anything - I thought he just wasn't interested, so I'd stopped trying.

In the early days after finding out about his use I struggled with images of p while we was being intimate, but this was mainly because prior to discovering his addiction I had no exposure to p, so I looked at his accounts to understand what it was he liked looking at. On the whole I managed to banish most of the intrusive thoughts and our sex life got more adventurous for a time because with the help of therapy he was starting to share what he liked and wanted, and we talked about new things we'd both like to try.
However, there was one thing I couldn't do after finding out about his p use, and that was getting undressed in front of him. So much of what he looked at involved stripping I felt too exposed taking my clothes off - it was too close to the act the sex workers put on. I realise it's not logical, because I had no issue with be naked with him.

Had he managed to avoid lying about his continued use we could have had a bright and sex filled future together. I can't imagine being intimate with anyone else, but wouldn't rule it out.

 

[used19]

I think for me I wonder a lot about other SOs and how they continue intimacy with their partners.

I struggled early on feeling like I had to do things like them. My husband says he never had a problem wanting or being with me, but he did not initiate and he didn’t feel all the way there either. So I felt like I had to be more racy and wanton than I wanted to be, and that’s how we ended up with a pregnancy very soon after our dday. I don’t currently struggle during because I can see that we both wanted things that we were too nervous to express and now that we’ve been to hell and back it’s better. Where I do struggle, is that even though I’m fine during intimacy, I freak out afterwards. The next day he’s all lovey and super attached. Meanwhile I am freaking out. Freaking out that he looked too closely at me and will see that my body isn’t perfect after 5 babies. Freaking out that I didn’t do enough and he’ll start thinking about them. Freaking out that maybe he wasn’t connecting to me but I was just there as a physical prop (he’s never said or done anything to allude to this, but I’m a real woman not some gross woman who is doing it for money). So I’ll admit that I now drag my feet sometimes on being physically intimate because I have so much fear over not being enough. I don’t want to be them, they are gross. But if I can’t be more, if I can’t reclaim what was supposed to only be mine, then how on earth do I do this?

 

[MintGreen]

I was kind of living vicariously wishing this was the response I could get from my wife

Thank you for your reply. I'm still trying to get my head around why my stbx would choose online 'fantasy' over real life, so am interested if anyone with lived experience could articulate it. It seems like your situation is quite different to ours. It is useful for me to see that there are these differences; while there are many similar themes, each persons experience is unique.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

Thank you for your reply. I'm still trying to get my head around why my stbx would choose online 'fantasy' over real life, so am interested if anyone with lived experience could articulate it. It seems like your situation is quite different to ours. It is useful for me to see that there are these differences; while there are many similar themes, each persons experience is unique.

If your husband is also IA ( 30% of sex addicts are) they much address that as well. It’s the IA that makes my husband actively avoid sex. He is more comfortable with zero sex and only when he maintains sobriety does it force him to step out of his comfort zone to initiate sex. He gets massive anxiety just from thinking about sex with me. On average when he starts “ wanting” sex it takes him 3-5 days to work up the courage to ask. I know him well enough that I can tell when the “ desire” first hits and I am purposefully difficult to him during that time to force him to confront his anxiety. Lol. Before, when I had a high drive I’d jump him at the slightest indication that he wanted sex. This let him off the hook for actually risking rejection. I no longer do that

 

[Warfman]

If your husband is also IA ( 30% of sex addicts are) they much address that as well. It’s the IA that makes my husband actively avoid sex. He is more comfortable with zero sex and only when he maintains sobriety does it force him to step out of his comfort zone to initiate sex. He gets massive anxiety just from thinking about sex with me. On average when he starts “ wanting” sex it takes him 3-5 days to work up the courage to ask. I know him well enough that I can tell when the “ desire” first hits and I am purposefully difficult to him during that time to force him to confront his anxiety. Lol. Before, when I had a high drive I’d jump him at the slightest indication that he wanted sex. This let him off the hook for actually risking rejection. I no longer do that

Reverse genders and that's how I feel... Ha

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

Reverse genders and that's how I feel... Ha

And that could be what’s going on with your wife! It’s not uncommon for the partners to also be IA.

 

[+TenPercent]

I wax. I started in 2017. It hurt like hell having them rip all that hair out!
They said it would hurt less if I do it every four weeks or so . . . and I have never stopped since. Now I do it on my own. I like the way it feels, clean and smooth. I have a lot of insecurity around the size of my genitals and, ironically, baring all helps me to feel better about myself.
Oh, and it doesn't itch. Not at all.
I continue to do it for myself.
My partner trims, sometimes. I would prefer a full bush, honestly. We've talked about it a little bit, but I just want her to do what feels right for her.
We have to live with our bodies 24/7. I think it's healthiest when we care for our bodies in the way that feels right for us, not for what we think our partners want. And when two people come together who feel good about themselves, the attraction is more . . . wholistic(?), not fixated on one or two specific aspects of the other person's body.

 

[Warfman]

And that could be what’s going on with your wife! It’s not uncommon for the partners to also be IA.

It didn't always seem this way. There was a time where she wanted it often. But that was before children..

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

It didn't always seem this way. There was a time where she wanted it often. But that was before children..

It’s not just sex. It’s avoiding intimacy. The two are not always intertwined with the IA. I just got lucky his is intertwined lol. They avoid intimacy in all areas ( not all avoid sex) and most are very controlling ( my husband would like to be but it backfires when he tries to control me) so, several of the well known traits ie controlling finances, or isolating partner are not traits my husband has.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

It’s not just sex. It’s avoiding intimacy. The two are not always intertwined with the IA. I just got lucky his is intertwined lol. They avoid intimacy in all areas ( not all avoid sex) and most are very controlling ( my husband would like to be but it backfires when he tries to control me) so, several of the well known traits ie controlling finances, or isolating partner are not traits my husband has.

Should say avoid intimacy in different areas not all avoid sex

 

[Warfman]

It’s not just sex. It’s avoiding intimacy. The two are not always intertwined with the IA. I just got lucky his is intertwined lol. They avoid intimacy in all areas ( not all avoid sex) and most are very controlling ( my husband would like to be but it backfires when he tries to control me) so, several of the well known traits ie controlling finances, or isolating partner are not traits my husband has.

Ah yes this rings a bell. Eye contact is another, I can't have a conversation with her where she looks into my eyes. I've pressed that a lot, and she just can't do it.

 

[MintGreen]

If your husband is also IA

Just checking IA = Internet Addiction?
If so, yes I think he is, although during his best time away from p he also massively reduced his access to the internet. I can see that's increased in recent weeks since the breakdown of our relationship.

You also asked if he could be ADHD. I think not, he doesn't show other typical symptoms. In fact I'm more likely ADHD. However, for both of us I think our anxieties and behaviours are pretty well explained by our childhood experiences and families of origin. My childhood was chaotic, traumatic and abusive. At first glance his was stable and loving, but having dug a bit deeper he too experienced prolonged trauma - emotional neglect, rage, furious arguments etc. His fear of rejection and humiliation come from not having parents who provided reliable or meaningful emotional support. His self esteem is zero. These issues are echoed in the p he is drawn to. When I first described what he watches to a new therapist her response was 'Who is he angry with?'

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

Just checking IA = Internet Addiction?
If so, yes I think he is, although during his best time away from p he also massively reduced his access to the internet. I can see that's increased in recent weeks since the breakdown of our relationship.

You also asked if he could be ADHD. I think not, he doesn't show other typical symptoms. In fact I'm more likely ADHD. However, for both of us I think our anxieties and behaviours are pretty well explained by our childhood experiences and families of origin. My childhood was chaotic, traumatic and abusive. At first glance his was stable and loving, but having dug a bit deeper he too experienced prolonged trauma - emotional neglect, rage, furious arguments etc. His fear of rejection and humiliation come from not having parents who provided reliable or meaningful emotional support. His self esteem is zero. These issues are echoed in the p he is drawn to. When I first described what he watches to a new therapist her response was 'Who is he angry with?'

Intimacy Anorexia. Doug Weiss has an ok workbook on it. They say about 30% of sex addicts are IA. I believe it’s probably more but people don’t recognize it. My husband didn’t think he was one. He literally skipped that part in Carnes workbook. I was going through the work book one night and asked him why he skipped that section. lol. He said it didn’t apply to him. I laughed. I said “ it absolutely does, describes you almost to a t”. The I A was and is incredibly damaging to a relationship every bit as much as addiction is.

 

[MintGreen]

Intimacy Anorexia

Ah, thanks - that's not a term I have heard before. Something new to learn!
No, I don't think he has this.
He is emotionally immature, and he has an avoidant attachment style (I have a mix of both anxious and avoidant). He is happy with the 'room-mate' type relationship now because he's scared of losing me completely - he'd rather have a relationship as friends than no relationship at all. But he loves intimacy, he's just too scared to ever initiate it for fear of being seen as 'pushy' (his word), or of being rejected. This comes from him needing to be good, no trouble and in effect invisible as a child. It has been suggested he has dissociative disorder.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

Ah, thanks - that's not a term I have heard before. Something new to learn!
No, I don't think he has this.
He is emotionally immature, and he has an avoidant attachment style (I have a mix of both anxious and avoidant). He is happy with the 'room-mate' type relationship now because he's scared of losing me completely - he'd rather have a relationship as friends than no relationship at all. But he loves intimacy, he's just too scared to ever initiate it for fear of being seen as 'pushy' (his word), or of being rejected. This comes from him needing to be good, no trouble and in effect invisible as a child. It has been suggested he has dissociative disorder.

Most avoidant attachments are IA. My husband would also rather a friend or roommate than no relationship. One of the more common traits is the need to control which manifest in many ways but lying is the most pervasive: it’s very hard for them to give this up as it’s a form of controlling you. One of the most common indicators though is work a holics. This was my husband! He worked a ton because it was a legitimate, good way to avoid being home without actually confronting why he didn’t want to be home. Since I was detached, this worked well for us. He made a crap ton of money, was there for holiday and kid events,but worked far more than the average person. That was my first clue he might have it/be one. Once I read more I knew he was, even though he does not try and control me ( exception lying) or our money which is another trait.

 

[Warfman]

Intimacy Anorexia. Doug Weiss has an ok workbook on it. They say about 30% of sex addicts are IA. I believe it’s probably more but people don’t recognize it. My husband didn’t think he was one. He literally skipped that part in Carnes workbook. I was going through the work book one night and asked him why he skipped that section. lol. He said it didn’t apply to him. I laughed. I said “ it absolutely does, describes you almost to a t”. The I A was and is incredibly damaging to a relationship every bit as much as addiction is.

I bet there's a huge correlation between IA and severe avoidant attachment as well.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

I bet there's a huge correlation between IA and severe avoidant attachment as well.

I agree. I think the controlling trait is interesting, they avoid but want complete control lol.

 

[Warfman]

I agree. I think the controlling trait is interesting, they avoid but want complete control lol.

I'm convinced it's a self protection mechanism. Control makes them feel safe. What's so aggravating about it for me is they want control but also are really bad at making big decisions, thus avoid making them. Drives me crazy. And they'll be damned if they are going to let their guards down enough to facilitate healthy intimacy,

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

I'm convinced it's a self protection mechanism. Control makes them feel safe. What's so aggravating about it for me is they want control but also are really bad at making big decisions, thus avoid making them. Drives me crazy. And they'll be damned if they are going to let their guards down enough to facilitate healthy intimacy,

Yes! Part of needing control is being afraid of making wrong decisions!! So they avoid. With all the work and counseling my husband has done he isn’t like this nearly as much. Where he isn’t obstructing my decisions and is actually weighing in on what he thinks.