Do you ever just feel like you're too selfish to have a significant other?

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by MSTie, Dec 26, 2018.

  1. MSTie

    MSTie Fapstronaut

    Kinda need to get all this off my chest.

    I had one of those strange post-relapse moments of clarity yesterday… I think I might be a "nice guy". Those of you who browse reddit are probably familiar with the term. For those who don't nice guy basically refers to a certain class of guy (or girl in the case of nice girls) who, in the broadest sense, have a tendency to expect basic social niceties to be rewarded with romantic love or sex.

    A friend of mine, who I'll willingly admit… I'm quite attracted to, seems to have totally frozen me out recently, and I don't really know why. After snooping around a little, I suspect she may have broken up with her boyfriend and might be seeing an ex -- again, I don't know anything for sure.

    The thing I want to emphasise, though, is how angry I am with her. I'm not sure it's normal. I feel hugely resentful of the fact that she doesn't want to spend any time with me. Yet she's gone back to her hometown for the holidays and seems to have inordinate amounts of time for everyone she knows there… including an ex-partner.

    Is there any way to get out of this stupid mentality? I know it's wrong, which is a start, but nevertheless I feel uncomfortable with having these feelings towards someone that -- at least in the past -- has meant a lot to me. Anyone else feel like this sometimes?
  2. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

    You can be selfish and have a relationship, it just won't last. My ex-girlfriend left me because of how angry, selfish and bitter I became, and didn't realized it until there was nothing else to do. Now that she is gone I am working about my issues, but at the same time, she has been the only woman who has ever shown that kind of interest and love to me, so knowing that she will never return makes me want to just give up about improving, it I must do it not for her but for me I suppose.
  3. CreamyLucious

    CreamyLucious Fapstronaut

    This is a very interesting post!

    Although in my life I currently do not want a relationship, I never looked at it as “being too selfish” to. On the contrary, in relationships, I am very giving.

    But I DO look at it this way- it’s not that I’m too selfish to be in a relationship- it’s that I’m wise enough to understand that I have a lot of work to do on myself before I can share my life with another person.

    If your aim is that you WANT to be alone for a while, you don’t need anyone’s permission but your own.

    The story about your friend struck a chord with me because I experience something similar every day.
    I met a wonderful woman who is a true renaissance girl- she loves art, math, history, the sciences. This woman would legit turn me on by merely speaking to me about the most random topics. She is so smart about EVERYTHING.
    We discovered that we have a lot in common.

    I asked her to go out with me and we hung out like two times (even though we do spend time at work). I eventually told her that I’m into her and that I just want to hang out some more.
    Long story short, she doesn’t feel the same way, and that is ok.

    The thing that bothers me is that all of our mutual friends,who are NOT into the same things we are into and actively make fun of us (good naturedly) for liking “nerdy activities”- NOW I have to sit around and watch her go do those things with those same friends of ours, but not me. Because somewhere in her mind, you can’t hang out with a guy who likes you if you don’t like him back.

    Well, I eventually took to the mentality that if people want to spend time with you, they will MAKE the time. And all I saw was her making time for our other friends.

    Since the last time she allowed me to spend time with her, she’s been to:
    -THREE countries
    -SEVERAL states
    -On a 5 museum tour, three of which she knows I’ve been dying to see my entire life.
    And yet there was always an excuse as to why we can’t make it to the coffee shop down the street together on a break.

    MY solution: As I mentioned above, if people want to make time for you, they can and will.

    I didn’t purposely become distant to her. But I DID accept the fact that I’m not a priority or even being treated like a friend for that matter. So I reciprocated. Again, when I say I reciprocated, I don’t mean that I purposefully ignored her or began to act petty. What I mean is that when I would see her, I just wouldn’t get as excited as I used to because I kept reminding myself “she doesn’t make time for your so you don’t matter to her.” In a short time, we became just two people in the same room. And something about this gravitated her towards me.

    She’s super friendly and always gives me a huge hug. And at times she seeks opportunities to spend time w me/be at my desk etc. But it is me who is now distant towards her. And again- I don’t do it out of a sense of pettiness , but I always secretly ask her in my mind “why did I have to do all of this for a little bit of time?”

    Anyhow, long story short- it hurts to accept it sometimes, but when you matter to someone, they will make time.

    I’m sure you deserve better than this. I wish you much peace.

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